A Mama's Feelings About The Pandemic

“Dad, I’m sorry I made new friends and wanted to play with them.”

-Reese Elisabeth. January 19, 2021

Unprovoked, not guilted, not shamed, not scolded. Just a girl who felt badly today when she rode her bike in the neighborhood and excitedly saw some girls close to her age.

F THIS PANDEMIC.

That’s how I feel. That’s how we feel. And I would bet it’s how YOU feel too.

How old are your kids? Reese is seven years old, Pierson is eight. And this is their childhood. When every day, we are reminded that the world around us is CRUMBLING, still, with the global pandemic. It’s been no one’s FAULT. A LOT of people have gotten sick, are sick, I will never poo poo that.

But right now, my heart hurts for kids. Asa grew up in a subdivision type neighborhood and remembers riding his bike ALL day with friends from all over it. Being outside for hours on end, running and playing….and since I grew up in the country and NOT in a neighborhood, I just remember playing with the cows next door and having ZERO issues. I’m kiddingggggg, I remember going to church every Sunday and playing with my best friends, and I have all the best memories of playing Barbie dolls, going for walks and just enjoying being a GIRL.

The past year? My kids were robbed of that. Will there be other times and moments for them to make friends? Sure. But read the quote at the start of this post again. “I’m sorry I made new friends and wanted to play with them.”

There’s really nothing I can do to FIX this. Both Asa and I are getting the covid vaccine soon (Asa on FRIDAY of this week); as teachers in a huge district and the need for these kids to GO back to in person classes, we believe it’s what is best. And you know what? I hope and pray that the ‘right amount’ of people will GET vaccinated, and that the spread will lessen insanely. I hope and pray my kids can run and play and be wild and crazy and play tag and hide and seek and ride bikes and go IN the houses of FRIENDS.

My sweet girl. The one I was so shocked and frankly upset to be pregnant with EIGHT years ago this week. She’s my warrior. My spitfire. My Spunky Brewster.

When Asa Glass kissed my forehead that day and said, “We’re going to have a baby,” little did he or WE know…how stinking BLESSED we would be. Oh how I remember those thoughts: I wasn’t ready to be pregnant AGAIN, or to have a baby AGAIN. And look at her now. Reese has big feelings (like her mama) and she has a huge heart. She’s an extrovert at large and thrives on relationships. Friends are her love language (like her daddy.)

Our kids, Y’all. They’re not perfect but man do they have hearts of gold! If you’re hurting for your kids lately, will you comment on this post? We are in this together, mamas (and daddies) and friends and family. Asa shared to his Twitter account how he was sad for Reese with her statement and he had two friends immediately respond: “It’s hard for a 39 year old.” “And a 37…”

It’s HARD! And I’m giving you a big, giant, smothered HUG right now!

“Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, and whose hope is the LORD.” -Jeremiah 17:7

xx

beloved allison

It's been a while since I've written for this series and having launched it in December, it seems surreal to somehow now be in the month of May! Loving and celebrating women is something that I am extremely passionate about, largely because I've realized that with social media especially, we {women} have a tendency to slip quietly behind the scenes and watch what everyone else is doing. We often feel not as important, or less than the world around us. That's why I started this series: The Beloved Woman. Because I want you to read the words of your sisters and know that even though you may not personally know these women, they are with you. They have been through so much of what you have; this is a place to share your voice. Here is where I want my friends and readers to know YOU. Where you are front and center, no longer behind the scenes. Here is where I want you to feel appreciated, noticed, deeply loved: beloved.

I am excited to share a dear friend of mine with you today, Allison Grubbs. I have known her amazing photographer husband, Billy, through word of mouth in Louisville and through Facebook. A while ago I decided that I also needed to know his wife. I had seen some of her posts because Billy would be tagged in them. I saw right away that she was such a strong woman, and that she had a story and testimony that needed to be shared. Allison, now 27, was diagnosed with endometriosis at the age of 22, and it is with such eagerness that I introduce you to this brave sister of mine. 

A little bit about Allison: 

"I am originally from Pennsylvania, but moved to Louisville KY at a young age. Now I live in a quirky 100+ year old home in the Highlands with my husband and our crazy Goldendoodle, Sunday. My husband, Billy Grubbs, is a film photographer and owner of State Film Lab. As for me, I have worked as a hairstylist for 8 years and I just completed my first year of nursing school at Spalding University. I’ll be spending my summer working as a Women’s Health Nurse Extern at Baptist Health Louisville. It’s been a long time coming (like seriously, I’ve been working on my Bachelor’s degree off and on for 6+ years!), but the plan is to graduate in June 2018 with a Bachelor’s in Science and Nursing degree. Upon graduation, I will be continuing on with Baptist Health as an RN, and the goal is to specialize in Women’s Health nursing.

I asked Allison, "When do feel the most beautiful?" I think this can be a challenging question for us ladies to answer, because we fear of coming across vain or narcissistic. But when I ask my sisters this, I mean feeling beautiful inside AND out. I love asking them to figure out when they feel beautiful, without necessarily a reason. It's not always when our hair and makeup is done or we are dressed all fancy for a date, and I loved her response. Allison said,  

"I have come to learn that a person finds their true beauty when they are doing whatever it is that fills them up to their core. So at the risk of sounding complete cliché, I feel most beautiful when I am serving and taking care of others. This was instilled in me at a young age being that my grandmother and great aunt both had Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy. Taking care of someone is all that I have ever know, and it’s the one thing that comes to me so naturally. It’s the thing that fills me up to my core."

Allison has an incredibly humbling story about her journey with endometriosis, and she has such a heart for women and couples who struggle with this. I asked what her heart beats for; her biggest passions and dreams and she said:

"After being diagnosed with Endometriosis at the age of 22 and watching the disease strip me of my own fertility, one of my greatest passions in life is to educate and encourage other women who are silently suffering with diseases like endometriosis and infertility. Since our failed IVF treatment last March, I have been on a year long “break” from trying to conceive, and have been able to redirect my attention away from fertility to instead focus more on my nursing career. If I’m being honest, it has been so nice to step away from it all because it consumed my every thought for years. Of course, Billy and I long for a family. We can envision what our life would look like with a baby, and even though we have had 4 ½ years to process it, I’m sure we will still be totally unprepared, but our hearts will be so, so full."

In one of her recent Instagram posts, Allison shared a piece of heart with one of her miscarriages: 

"04.25.17 marked 3 years since our first miscarriage. 
This locket holds one out of the three mere moments in my life that my body has sustained a life other than my own. That pitiful little sprout that's barely hanging on is from a Forget-Me-Not seed that I planted in remembrance of that tiny soul that left all too quickly. 
I can remember that day so vividly. Every painful contraction, every tear shed. It's a grief stricken memory that I never want to watch fade, because it's likely the most raw and pure emotion-filled moment I will live to see. But now I don't only look back and see my deep chest-caving-in sadness that I griped tightly onto for so long. Instead I see a messy start to a beautifully knitted testimony, one that God intricately pieced together, specifically for me. So for you my little one, I am endlessly thankful."

I have not personally gone through anything like what Allison and Billy have endured, however I am sure many of you reading this have, or know someone who has. I asked her what she would like to encourage you with and she replied: 

"I would tell them that they are not alone in their sufferings. Infertility is the loneliest of places, and it’s so incredibly easy to get wrapped up in your own sadness. You have to sit back and watch everyone around you get what you have been fighting like hell for. You become desperate, frustrated, obsessive, bitter, jealous, and just plain sad. These emotions are completely normal, you have to grieve the fact that you may never be able to conceive the baby that you have spent years longing for, the one who has mommy’s eyes and daddy’s nose. So take time to throw yourself a little pity party, replenish those empty spaces, and move on knowing that God is working tirelessly during your waiting. Let your struggles drive and motivate you, and empower other women to do the same by being brave enough to share your story, and do this utterly unashamed. Stick with it so that you have a story to tell, one about how you managed to overcome your adversities, and how somewhere in between the spaces, you found your full potential to be the beautifully strong woman that God intricately designed you to be."

On Father's Day of last year, Allison had shared this little blurb about Billy, and it just absolutely made me tear up thinking of my own husband, who is a dad of two littles. The strength in her words, and the faith that she holds for her Creator is just really humbling. I'd like to think that I would be as faithful and trusting as she is, and at the same time, I'm a little ashamed to think that I might not be.

"Celebrating this guy on Father's Day and every day! He is beyond supportive in every aspect of my life. He has been there since the beginning...from my endometriosis diagnosis, multiple surgeries and scares, negative tests month after month, heartbreak when we lost our babies, each painful injection for IVF, and the list goes on. He continues to be strong and encouraging for us, and our future family. I am not in this journey alone...he goes through the motions of infertility just like me, and stands tall by my side. Some of the most special fathers are the ones who have to endure losing their babies before they ever get to meet them. He is, and will be, the best father in the world..." 

Sisters and friends, wherever you are reading from, please know that I appreciate you. The love and support you've given towards this blog and my writing, this series, and my work--I am so grateful. If you would like to follow along with Allison's journey, you can find her Instagram account here. She and Billy are in continuous prayer, and I know YOUR prayers and encouragement would mean the world to them. 

Please take a few seconds to comment below and give Allison some love! This woman holds so much love in her heart for SO many people, I really am blessed to know and call her friend. 

Cried Out Eyes + Living Loved

It's late. My eyes are swollen and tired from not one, but two evenings spent crying. Not gonna lie, being a female doesn't particularly help this time of the month [I literally will sob over spilled milk], but you know what? I'm just tired. Tired of living unloved. Of not believing the Truth, of not claiming it. Of not living it. 

Have you been there? 

I have the very best women surrounding me in this season. I inherited sisters eight years ago and a sister was never something I had growing up. I have supportive parents. A prayer warrior of a mom. A loving husband. I even have a very large community of women here in this space, within Instagram and this blog, that I absolutely love and adore. So why then is my immediate reaction to conclude, "She doesn't love me." 

This afternoon I took a chance to share something vulnerable and immediately walked away from the computer in tears. I put words in their mouth, that never came from the person I contacted. I was convinced that I had made a mistake, that they thought I was silly or immature, and that surely they wouldn't love me as much after reading what I had to say. And then I was reminded of Lysa TerKeurst's words in Uninvited regarding the woman at the gym, "...obviously I don't know what went through her head, but it has me thinking about all the many times I assign thoughts to others that they never actually think. I hold them accountable to harsh judgements they never make. And I own a rejection from them they never gave me" (29). 

There were a few moments of silence, of no response, and suddenly a, 'Hey let me get back to you later!' and I was ready to hit the ground running. Except not really running. I sat. And cried. And felt panicked and at a loss. I hugged my husband as I choked on words, "I still can't handle some of my friendships losses, I can't believe that we don't hang out anymore. Why doesn't she want to be closer friends?!" And how all THAT baggage related to what I was presently going through--I have NO idea. Except that I do this often. It's a BIG reason I started seeing a counselor months ago, because deep down in my heart I knew that I was loved, and yet, I couldn't stop these negative thoughts. 

These negative thoughts should have zero place in my mind or heart. None. "You are a dearly loved sister, a dearly loved daughter to the mighty and kind KING," my brother's wife texted me recently. Is that hard for any of you to fully grasp, like it is for me? My counselor did some exercises with me and one of the methods we did was visually decorating a giant sign that said STOP. And any time I started to feel myself turn negative, or go down the irrational rabbit trail, I would say, "STOP, Ashley! This is NOT helping!" Sometimes, if I'm like really on it mentally and emotionally, that helps. But 75% of the time, truthfully it doesn't. 

Lysa said, "Live from abundant place that you are LOVED and you won't find yourself begging others for scraps of love." Ouch. (There's a reason I'm hosting a book talk for this book!) With every chapter I've been convicted and reminded of God's saving grace. Of how He loves me, calls me, encourages me to sit quietly at His feet. Or crying at His feet. However I am, He'll take me.

I, like you, live in a day and age where life is just hectic. Either we have kids to care for, rooms to pick up, meals to prep, exercise to be had, pictures to be posted, e-mails to respond to, stories to share, friends to hang out with, families to love on. Which all means, just how easily distracted are we? I want to be better at living more securely. I want to be able to do all of the above, but also when it gets hard and I'm sitting in my daughter's bedroom crying, of silencing myself at His feet. At feeling His love. I want to hear the words coming from the women in my life; from my parents, my husband, my own children, and to walk and LIVE that way:

Cherished.
Appreciated.
Valued. 
Loved.

Do you long for this too? Of dwelling in His trust that life doesn't have to be perfect; there can and will be conflict, moments of pause, friends who need to wait to respond. And that none of that means you are loved ANY less? I'm not sure how to help one another, other than maybe being one giant support group, but heck, maybe that's what we need? Anyone want to create a Facebook group for living loved? Ha. If you do, add me to it! But regardless, let's pray for one another, cheer each other on, and walk through this life together. Sister, you may be hundreds or thousands of miles away but I'm right here holding your hand.. Comment, e-mail, share with someone who needs this reminder today and please know; you are loved. 

ps: I was reminded after a *very* long phone call (aka cry fest) with my mom yesterday: the job will never be done. It will never be over. There will be days that we feel like we're put back together, our pieces picked up, like we're doing GREAT; and then we'll be left feeling unloved all over again and we will HAVE to remind ourself of the Truths from our Creator. Thanks, Mom. For always loving me, counseling me, and sharing a heart with me.

beloved danielle // the face behind lou what wear

Hey y'all! and welcome to the Beloved Woman series! Whoever you are, and wherever you are reading from, I hope you'll grab a cup of coffee and snuggle up to read about my friend here Danielle. First though, let me back track just a little in case you don't yet know what this series is about.

I launched this blog a year ago, and it's been an incredibly badass year. I've met a ton of women, worked with some amazing companies, made new friends, and have talked with a lot of YOU via e-mail and other social media platforms. I've been praying a lot about what's next, and heavy on my heart has been this: celebrating + loving the heck out of the women around me. Now, this doesn't just mean Louisville, Kentucky, where I am based--but obviously I'm starting here. Over the course of 2017 I pray that I will have traveled far and wide to meet women around the world, so that I can not only photograph you, [because that's one of my greatest passions!] but to hug you, hear your story, and then to SHARE with the world your greatness. Because sisters? YOU ARE GREAT. Not just great; you are BELOVED.

Welcome Danielle with me, won't you?

Danielle was born in Louisville but moved to Miami, Florida when she was three years old, so her growing up years were spent there. She then made her way back to the Bluegrass where she attended the University of Kentucky, and she moved back to Louisville upon finishing her degree.

Danielle works full-time at Boxcar Public Relations, where she does a mixture of account
management, marketing, PR and tons of social media on a variety of clients. She also blogs over at Lou What Wear, a life and style blog that she started in 2011.

"My husband Drew and I have three kids - Drew (6), Reese (2) and Blake (7 mo). We met 10 years ago (when did we get so old!) through my best friend Kelly. They worked together and we met at one of their happy hours. We¹ve been together ever since."

Since becoming a mother, and photographing many a boudoir sessions in my master bedroom, I've began to notice how hard it is for women to feel beautiful and to know deep in their core that they are loved. This has just really struck me over the last several years and honestly, brings me back to why I wanted to start THIS. So I asked Danielle when she feels the most loved, and this was her response:

"...When I'm getting a big hug from one of my kiddos or when we're all snuggled up on the couch as a family. Is it bad to say that it's probably when my kids are sick and they want to just cuddle up with me? That's probably a mean mom thing to say...but hey, it's true. I of course never want my kids to be sick but those snuggles are definitely the best."

[and I can completely relate to this, Danielle!! There is something about being MOM when your kids are sick. Sometimes I doubt my ability as a mom, all of us who are DO, but I know that I'm a darn good nurse Mom!]

I then asked her what she wishes she could encourage other women with, that she wished they knew.

"I wish all women would stop being so damn hard on themselves AND each other. Everyone is running their own race, and there's no medal at the end. If we all just gave ourselves and each other a little slack, it would be a much less stressful world."

Last year I had the privilege of being interviewed by several different publications and one of the questions that still stands out the most for me was this one: "What do you hope to teach your daughter and what do you hope she believes about herself as she gets older?" For me personally, I never want my daughter to think that beauty is it; that that's all she needs to strive for, that that's the best adjective to describe her. So hearing from other women what THEY want their daughter(s) to learn is something that you'll see a lot here. Danielle, who is raising TWO daughters, says this,
 

"I really think confidence is such an important key. Having confidence in yourself and the decisions you make, that's going to make everything easier."  Do y'all find yourselves hoping the same? Wanting to teach our daughters to find their own self-worth and to BELIEVE in themselves? My hand is held HIGH on this one!

Danielle told me that her heart is the happiest and most content when she is in the moment with her family. Her time with her three kids and husband keep her going strong, and she says, "truly, everything else just melts away. And when I asked what a big dream of hers is, she said,

"In some fantasy world, I¹d LOVE to pack up and just move to Key West. I'd live a much simpler life, work a much simpler job and spend every single day in my favorite place in the world. It's definitely a dream. Not sure though that we¹ll ever make that happen...at least not until we're retired!"

When I first met Danielle, I was immediately blown away by her ease. She always makes me laugh, and I of course adore the fact that we both have a daughter named Reese. (Mine thinks her name is Reesie Cup and hers thinks it is Reesie Piece.) Danielle is strong, brave, and determined in all that she sets out to accomplish. She knows how to talk fashion among the best of them (and a gazillion times better than myself because me, fashionable? Mmmm, not my strongest suit!) and amidst ALL that she does, she is loved by three amazing (and hilarious) children, and one heck of a husband (who was cooking the kiddos homemade french toast when I arrived!) Danielle has many roles and wears MANY hats, but one that I hope she will hold dearest to her heart is this one: beloved.