our story

Your Past Could Save Someone's Future

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Immediately following sharing my own personal story at our church service recently, I was browsing Pinterest and saw this quote:

“Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past, so it doesn’t become their future.” -John Acuff

WHOA, I thought. That’s DEEP.

I am hoping to share here soon what I talked about to our church, but I am still praying about the right timing. Nonetheless, prior to me getting on stage with my husband, I was pretty nervous that there would be no way I would have the words to say in front of a BUNCH of people sitting silently, especially because the lights at our church are SUPER bright and it feels like a total spotlight. Asa and I prayed beforehand that it would be the Lord’s words, not our own, that came to surface. Needless to say I was completely in awe that I did just fine. I was a little nervous? But not too bad deep down. I didn’t stutter, choke, or even tear up; the words just flowed. After it ended, a gal holding her baby approached me with tears in her eyes. “Thank you,” she said. “I can’t say more than thank you because I’ll just cry harder. So thank you.” I got her name and told her to please find me and talk with me if she felt she could. Then a few more women hugged me and encouraged me. One said, “I felt this was your first time sharing your story but I need to tell you that it shouldn’t be your last.”

So the thing is, with that quote above, we all have a story. Yours might not be that you had an affair, or were an alcoholic, or that you’re addicted to porn. But it’s still important! When a friend told me that she was currently dealing with what I did in my past, I almost started to cry.

“RUN!!!!!” is what I wanted to yell. But we were actually IN church when she told me and well, that would have been weird. If there is ANY way at all that I can spare another woman going through what I did; what I put my FAMILY through, oh friends I would. Do you have something that you wish could help someone be free? It took five years for me to fully heal. To feel okay with friends and family knowing some of my dirty laundry. The fact I was able to share openly in a congregation is 1000% because of the Lord and His healing. You might be thinking, “Ashley, I am not sharing my baggage, in a CHURCH…” But you don’t have to. I am just asking you to be open—if you have a friend or even acquaintance who you think NEEDS to hear your story? Be open to it.

And if you’re NOT there yet, trust the wait. Never in a thousand years did I think I would share the way that I have. Asa’s MOM, his sister, and his brother’s wife all sat in the front row. Stories are hard. Pain, suffering, guilt, shame—all very real things that make us want to be quiet and hush.

Brené Brown said it like this: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do,” and I agree SO much! Your worst chapters might be someone else's freedom. Twenty-year old Ashley got married QUICK and never thought she would really stumble. But twenty-five year old Ashley took a swing and a giant miss at that naive assumption. I don’t have it all figured out now, and you know what, sharing my story is still scary. To me there are a lot of factors; things that can go right and lots of people I can help with it, but there’s also things that can go wrong I am sure. I know that you give Satan an inch and he’s gonna take a mile—but I also know that stories where it is proof that we are HUMAN, are most often the very ones apt to change someone else’s life.

Quote by: author John Acuff

Quote by: author John Acuff


Chapter Five: I Want to Fall With You

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I was inspired to write this post quite a while ago,  yet I have been sitting on it, waiting for the right words and thoughts to flow. I may or may not have been inspired for this title by the Greatest Showman and the one scene where Zac Efron and Zendaya are singing 'Rewrite the Stars.' As I listened (and that song and soundtrack has been on repeat for daysss, Y'all), those lyrics stood out and I knew I had to turn them into something: 

"All I want is to fly with you
All I want is to fall with you
So just give me all of you"

I'll be real honest with you and say that at the moment, my husband and I are in an argument. It was a late night last night, feelings were hurt, and I ended up sleeping in my son's twin sized bunk bed (the kids were sharing the Queen in Reese's room). The last thing I said to him this morning was that I needed space to think and process and since then, complete silence. It's what I asked for though, right? I decided this is a perfect time to write about the notion of flying with your partner, and yes, even falling. We all go through it, so why not talk about it? 

Fighting is the worst. If you are aware enough in the moment to think clearly, even for just a moment, you realize you aren’t going anywhere, and that you have to work all this out. The trouble is, clarity in the moment is often very hard to come by, and you might as well have a back-hoe for how quickly you can dig that hole with your words. When she asked for space to process, I finally had that moment of clarity, only after I had created what felt like the grand canyon before that moment. Everything still had to be worked out, I was coming home to her tonight, how deep had I made my hole. 

It has been a week since my horse accident. While the title "I want to fall with you" kind of makes me cringe thinking just how far I LITERALLY fell from my precious horse, I think this phrase in a marriage is gold. In December, Asa and I will reach our ten year wedding anniversary. If you had told me when I was twenty all the numerous things and life events that would happen ten years later, there's no way I would have believed you. First of all, that young twenty-year-old who walked down the aisle was incredibly naive. She knew that bad things could happen, and that sure, there would probably be some tears and fighting, and she didn't have a clue what the vows would actually mean. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...? 

Watching Ash fall from the horse, and the moments that followed were some of the scariest of my life. Helpless and terrified were the feelings I could best describe. There was so much blood, she couldn’t move her hands, like at all. We had a very real fear that she was paralyzed. Terrified. Not at all like our wedding day. I felt calm, collected, ready. I kept waiting for fear and butterflies to come, for my feet to get cold…but they stayed warm, even in the snow and we were married. We made vows to each other, vows that we didn’t quite grasp then, and likely barely grasp now. But we made vows. Timothy Keller says when marriage gets hard we need to cling to the vows we made, vows we’re still learning to understand. 

Our first year of marriage looked like cheap Chinese takeout and Asa mowing our tiny patch of grass of a yard to knock off some money off our rent. We later stumbled through things like medical bills (did you know having babies is SO expensive????) Every year, God has been good to us and we haven't had to live in fear of not being able to pay our bills; but we definitely know what it feels like to scrap and scrounge for income. And it wasn't the first year of marriage that was the hardest (why do people even say that?!) It was the sixth. The year our sweet baby girl was born. Postpartum and Thyroiditis Ashley began to doubt everything--why did I get married so young? What if I wasn't cut out for this? Am I allowed to walk away? Imagine your husband sitting on the porch with you, dialoguing about all these questions WITH you. Processing WITH you. Standing firm and saying, "I will be here in the morning." That year ultimately ended with us getting I Choose You tattoos (our mantra for each other), and our marriage has since flourished. (Except when I sleep in a bunk bed because I am too stubborn to go back to bed with him...) Side note: get this resolved asap...

The first year was a breeze. We had no money, but we never had any before. So at least now we were broke together! It’s way more fun to be grateful for bad Chinese takeout with someone, that sit alone on the couch alone eating the same bad takeout. Money has always been an issue, and always been a means for God to show up. When I became a teacher I literally got the flu the same week. It also happened to run right into Christmas break from school. We were missing 3 weeks pay from me, and had no money for bills, food, anything. And this was after I got this salary job that was going to change our Chinese takeout status to actual date night in a restaurant status. God is funny like that, in my moment of financial achievement he reminds me how much we need him. People from our church provided for us in a way that I’m still humbled by. The real trouble came shortly after Reese was born. I’ll never presume to know how the mind of a woman works. But night after night, Ashley felt like running. She wanted to leave, or stay, or start over, or give up. Internally I was going through emotional hell, but I also knew the truth. I wasn’t going anywhere. And however this played out, I was going to have to dig out of this hole. So as hard as it was, I chose patience, I chose to sit and talk. We talked about our vows, our children, our life, the what if’s of lots of different questions. I think it was a season that brought us closer together. Somehow in the midst of this crisis, Christ shone in, and Love won.

I can remember Asa being really sick only one time so far. It was when he had the flu shortly after he was hired as a teacher. We hadn't yet begun planning or thinking about kids, and we lived in our second street apartment. I believe it was our second year of marriage? He had incredibly high fevers, a wretched and painful cough, and I've never seen him so miserable. I did my best to love and care for him, but honestly Guys, all of my memories are of sicknesses are the times he's cared for me. In sickness, and in health. He has nursed me back to health numerous times, as I am clearly the more sickly one in the relationship. I've had strep, the flu, random viruses, two babies and going through the postpartum recovery process, and now--NOW, a horse fall. I have a busted lip and a broken lady part and he has sat with me through it all. Fun fact: I recently broke down ugly girl crying after simply going pee, and then as I sobbed, told him I couldn't remember if I had taken my medications. My mind + my body have equaled one GIANT mess, and I just keep hearing those lyrics. 

I don’t get sick. I don’t mean that arrogantly. It’s just true. I was a healthy kid, and healthy still. I joke with Ashley that it’s because I drink 100+ ounces of water daily, and exercise 5 or more times a week, but I don’t really know what the reason. I do know I’m blessed to be healthy, and I don’t take that for granted. My poor wife on the other hand…when one kid sneeze I go by cold and sinus meds for Ash, because I know she’s next. The summer of 2016 was the most epically sick my family has ever been. From the moment school let out for the summer we battled Strep, stomach bugs, flu bugs, rashes, more strep, and a GI bug. When I went back to work in August I joked with my coworkers, that it was a vacation to be at school. Jokes aside, isn’t it wonderful to be needed? Not superficially, but actually physically needed. I “slept” next to my daughter and every 5-10 minutes I held her hair back with one hand and a puke pan with another. She survived the night because I made vows to my wife that carry over to my kids. And honestly, being needed is an incredible feeling. Exhaustingly incredible, but incredible none the less. 

Marriage. It definitely is not always sunshine and roses and unicorns. I'm not sure that he would picture unicorns in the equation of a happy marriage? But I'll roll the dice on that. Sometimes, we fight. We say hurful things, get a little too loud, feel all sorts of anger and resentment boil over in our insides, and coming back together unified can take a little while. There have been quite a few 'for worse' moments and memories in these nine years, but there have also been 'FOR BETTER' ones too: 
Our vacations together and the slow, quiet moments during them. Dancing in the living room, standing on the top of his feet. Laughing hysterically at quite literally the dumbest things. Building homes together, not literally building THE home, but making where we live home. Each one, each time, they've all been home. Having kids together. Watching him be a father. Praying together. Dreaming together. And even though he doesn't love to do this because he's such a hot sleeper, my husband is definitely the best Big Spoon on the planet. I never feel safer than when I am inside his arms, his arms wrapped around me--he makes me feel so small and yet so empowered when he holds me. 

Walking our dogs around St. James court, binge watching anything next to her, climbing mountains and waterfalls. Getting excited to buy a spatula in our first home. Building nurseries and filling them with babies and memories. Back porch sitting, practicing hospitality with her. Getting lost in neighborhoods, and coming up with cover stories about looking for our lost sister. Coffee and pasta. Goat cheese and sushi. Building dreams from conversations, and watching conversations come to life. Praying together. Splash parks, hikes, gardens, horses, open spaces, anywhere she's near. The quiet we can sit in, and have learned to appreciate. Sometimes the still moments near her, and the most valuable in my day.

The moral of my story? Fly with your spouse. But don't forget that while you're flying, there is going to come a moment that you are going to fall--how do you want to do that? Completely alone? Or wrapped in the arms of the one who loves and chose you?

 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’  and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:4-6

 

Do You Blog the Bad Days?

Recently I had the GREAT honor of speaking to my dear friend (Tim Burri's) 5th grade writing classes. As our state's BIG standardized test approaches, in preparation he saw that the students may have 'blog' come up as one of their options for an on-demand writing piece. Because he is the best at tooting my horn, Tim asked if I would come present to his classes and give them some more information on what blogging is, and how voice specifically is important while writing. I had the BEST time with those kids, I'll actually write a full post about my experience there later. One of the questions in particular fits my day today JUST perfectly: "What about when you have a bad day?" a boy in the very front row asked. "Do you blog about it?" Several students actually said super quickly, "No!!!" and I kind of laughed.  

"You know what, Buddy?" I replied. "The BAD days are sometimes the best TO write about." 

So here I am, on a Friday afternoon, my head actually splitting, wishing that our morning had been easier than it was. I am not sure what it is about my son being 'almost five' that seems to have changed his disposition so greatly, but oh mercy has it ever changed. Why is it always something? [I know the answer to that: this is life with little kids, period. But still.] Two was pretty much magical for both of our kids [terrible two's was NOT a thing here,] but both sets of THREE had extreme difficulties. My husband and I have always said that four is the magic number, but some days? I'm not so sure. 

This isn't meant to be a "you-know-what-fest," because my son is wonderful. And I think 95% of the time, he is the sweetest soul. He is considerate, gentle, sensitive, thoughtful, funny, loving, creative, intelligent, he is everything good. But lately, many of his moments are spent being argumentative with me. I feel like I am constantly trying to help him re-word his phrases, to ask for things in a kinder way, and to explain to him when he asks, "why?" that it's BECAUSE I SAID SO! 

Didn't you hate that phrase?! Yet, it seriously comes out of my mouth more times than I care to admit. There is only SO long that you can try to have a rational conversation with a four-year old. Or three-year old. And I'm guessing with a ten, eleven, thirteen, sixteen, eighteen-year old? [Parents of older children, feel free to fill me in in the comments below. Mom, I'm guessing you have a thing or two to say here? Ha ha.] The other thing that has been challenging is that he wants me to force my daughter Reese, to play with him, ALL the time. And Reese will happily play with him for 10-15 minutes [is that short? It feels like a decade....] when suddenly she'll change her mind and say, "I don't want to play with you!" and leaves the room. Even if it's her room. And he SCREAMS for me, "MOM!!! REESE SAID SHE DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY WITH ME!!!!!!!" 

Well, now I'm teaching the 3-year old how to politely express that she may want to play alone, and then the 4-year old that it's OKAY if his sister doesn't want to play. It's just felt like a lot....and tomorrow he'll be super obedient, sweet as pie, and I'll want to eat his face off with kisses. And as I'm sitting here typing, I'm realizing that I don't really like the word 'bad.' Today wasn't bad. It was just hard. It was a lot of saying their names, sitting them down, mediating, teaching, discipling, and mothering. But that's what I want to do. Is to mother. And to teach them, and help them, and be here for them...so really what I'm realizing, is that days like today ultimately just teach ME something, the mom, the grownup, the adult in the room. 

I learned that even in the bad, there's nowhere I'd rather be. 

But now I want to hear from you: 

-What ages and stages were the most challenging for you as a mom? The two's, three's, four's, teen's, twenties....HA! 
-Specifically, do you remember when your kids were three and four? Did your kid have a "threenager" stage? What do you remember about four? 
-What do we have to look forward to about five? Because I'm literally depressed over the fact that my first BABY is turning FIVE in just two months. And he reminds me daily. It's good, right? 
-What have been your FAVORITE stages of your kids' childhood? If you say ALL of it, I may slap you. 
-Next, share ANY single thing you want to share: the good days, the bad, the funniest most recent memory, the most horrific...I want to hear them! Comment below or contact me via the contact page! 

 

 

 

Playing Catch Up [and a FUN Surprise!]

I didn't post in this series last week, so this is a combination of last + this week's photos. I've had a lot of people ask what I'm doing now that I'm home, if I'm ready to go back to the classroom, and just generic "how's it going?" questions. These pictures are a really good look at what many of our days look like, and here's my answers: no I'm not ready to go back, it's exhausting; and I love every second. Maybe not every second, because that would make me a legit Supermom, but I honest to God couldn't be more grateful for these days and months with Pierson and Reese. 

I want them to know their names when they start school, so we focus each week on a letter. Last week Reese learned how to SPELL her name aloud, which just amazed me! She's the busy bee--a very typical three year old probably? So she's not super in to the "school lessons" we do, but I put her name to a song and she GOT IT. Ask her how to spell her name, she'll recite it loud and proud! That's what the "R" is for in all of these photos [it supposed to be a R for rainbow and we attached some cotton ball clouds for fun] ;) Pierson gets really into these crafts and does such a great job! And Alfie is almost always with us, as you can see. The dining room has turned into my office AND classroom; last night at dinner I told Asa, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss bulletin boards!!" [I think 90% of teachers don't ENJOY putting up bulletin boards, ha! But I miss having a giant place dedicated to showing student work!]

With Valentine's Day being last week, we made Daddy some more Pretzel Bites to take to his his class party. We spend a lot of time drawing, coloring, painting, and listening to playlists on Pandora. I'm always making 'to do' lists to try and stay organized, and having that quiet time while they nap/rest is something I definitely treasure! 

Here's when they opened their Valentine's Day gifts. They were so excited to see bags sitting on the dining room table when they woke up. [Moment of truth: Asa bought the gifts the night prior because we completely forgot!! He did a good job!] An Ariel Barbie for Reese because she and I were going to the Broadway show of Little Mermaid; and Pierson put together and painted a bird house, as well as some fun Legos. And Pierson and Asa went on a boy date to see Lego Batman and get Mexican food while Reese and I saw Little Mermaid w/ the girls!

AND my exciting surprise this week!!! American Girl gifted us with their first ever BOY doll, Logan. He is Tenney's [another new AG doll!] band mate and drummer, is 18 inches tall, and is seriously the most handsome doll ever. Pierson was SO excited to add a boy to the mix because whenever Reese wants him to play with her dolls, his only options are girls! I think it's safe to say BOTH kids were thrilled with this awesome surprise, and I'm excited to watch them play together. (Thanks, American Girl, we love y'all!)

We had a great couple of weeks. Yesterday, we went to the Zoo with my friend Lauren [their former sitter] and "baby Jadon," and TODAY they joined us in the park for our picnic too! Her husband Josh came and the kids LOVED having him there to be all rough and tumble on the playground (and I loved having the extra set of hands.) So now it's time to finish my coffee and take some deep breaths because Reese definitely only slept an hour and I can hear her upstairs yelling at her brother ;)

Have a blessed weekend, everyone! And thanks for joining me here!