When You Doubt Yourself, Read This

One of those days I guess. Where my mind spins and I think 150 different and unique thoughts, most of them not really connected or intertwined with one another…if you’ve had a day like that, and you can maybe relate, read on, friend. You may want a cup of tea or coffee though, because it’s been a minute since I’ve written like this and it may be a while…

The summer is winding down. Well, not the heat, but the days until school is back in session. Trust me, its been over 100-degrees heat index wise for days and there’s not really an end in sight with that. But I can feel the end of our season drawing near.

I find myself wondering,

“Have I done enough?” “Were my kids happy?” “Will they remember this summer as a memorable one?” “Was I patient enough?” “Loving enough?” “Silly enough?” “Bold enough?”

Was I enough?

And then I shifted to wondering about former students. A giant chapter of my life is coming to a close, or has closed rather I suppose, as I accepted a brand new job in my teaching position for the coming school year. I worked with psychiatric and troubled youth for TEN years…it feels like so long, yet not long enough. Every year it never failed that I had repeat students. Sometimes I had them in their elementary years when I taught K-5th grades, and then they would come back to me as middle or high schoolers. Those were the really tough ones emotionally for me…

One in particular, a boy, I had in both fourth and fifth grade. I remember how much he made me LAUGH and how he helped around the classroom. He was so bright and really intelligent academically. Socially too—witty, charming, just an all around great kid. Flash forward to him entering the halls and bumping into me as a then 8th grader. I exclaimed his name with a giant smile and bear hugged him. [Bear hugs are frowned upon I guess in the teaching world, especially in a psychiatric facility, boundaries ya know?] But when you have my [then] job and a familiar face shows back up, one who made YOUR days brighter and happier, you kind of sigh a sigh of relief knowing (or hoping) that student will be similar even though he’s older now.

He remembered my name and smiled and I was bummed he wouldn’t be in my classroom because I didn’t teach middle school, I had been teaching high school the past three years. Then he showed up on my roster and BAM, there he was, at my doorway, in a class with high schoolers, and I shook my head in disbelief. Where I worked made changes, OFTEN. You HAD to go with the flow, practice extreme flexibility, and be able to just roll with the punches. So the whole last half of the school year I DID teach middle school, AND high school. And it was fine and I loved it and I maintained great classroom management and behavior…and yet I left wondering…

Did I do enough?

I watched that child go through a Richter scale of emotions. I watched him find hope and comfort, and I watched his talents SOAR. Then I watched as his world fell apart. The goofy, class clown boy I knew and loved did a 180 and began to doubt the whole world around him. Several nights I found myself crying, wishing and praying that I could do MORE. I wanted to be able to scoop him up [okay yes, he’s bigger than me now, that wouldn’t be possible AND it would be weird], but I wanted to be able to show him normalcy and kindness and take him to basketball games and show him how a loving family COULD be. How a family COULD protect and love and walk WITH him through the hardships. He was able to leave, I said my goodbyes, told him about my new job, and I prayed to God I would maybe see him on the outside one day.

Did I do enough?

That’s one of the reasons I decided to take a leap and part ways with that job placement. It was so hard to be able to foster impacting relationships with kids. Once they left the program, that was it. And I get it—that’s the job and I knew that. My heart has been longing for more, to be able to build relationships not strictly within the classroom, but out as well. With students’ families and their communities, to be able to walk with them longer than a few days or weeks, or in that students’s case, months…

See? There’s my brain tonight. I typically feel like I want to save the world: kids’ lives, everywhere, MY kids’ lives, and often that feels like a very big task. On the flip side, I know the answer to these questions. I hope you don’t read this thinking that I honestly doubt myself THAT much, or that I have felt inferior. I know my own children are happy. In between their bickering there are so many moments and memories FULL of love and laughter. And I know that in the classrooms that I taught in, I was often the reason students also laughed and felt loved. I very rarely forgot students names with their faces. Even when it had been years between seeing them, I remembered. Most of their lives are very hard, very broken, and for some I fear what the years ahead will do to them…but I pray I left an impact on them deep down.

For now? I have 16 days left of summer break. Sixteen days left to invest wholeheartedly every day, ALL day, with our children. I’ll have a fourth and fifth grader come this school year and that BAFFLES me. After this summer, I’ll be working in a program (school) for teen mamas and pregnant teens and while I’m very nervous for change, I am also very excited to invest in these young women. If you too, have been wondering, “Am I enough? Did I DO enough?” I guarantee your answer is yes.

Sometimes it takes some time to sit back and reflect on what YOUR life has looked like. If you’re a verbal or anecdotal processor like me, jot some things down in a notebook or journal. Think about this summer, and instead of dwelling just about the times you lost your patience and snapped at your kids [trust me, it HAS happened a LOT over here….] try to remember the surprise snow cone trips you’ve made, the sleepovers you’ve let your kids have, the late night movies, the extra treats and bags of popcorn, the fireflies caught in the backyard, the time spent with family.

You were enough.
You have done enough.
You ARE enough.

The Summer We Didn't Set Out to Have

There was no beach trip. No walking the shore at sunrise or sunset. No white sand or avoiding jellyfish. There wasn’t a single day spent where we asked, ‘pool or beach?’ This year, our slow days looked different. The outings looked different. This was, after all, the summer that was different.

And then it dawned on me…maybe this was the perfect summer after all?

My kids fought…a LOT. I think it is literally safe to say that a day did not go by that they did NOT fight? They are fifteen months apart, and they are basically day and night different from one another. Recently my sister in law asked how I was doing, and in that exact moment, I was SO tired and SO overwhelmed. I said, “Jae, I am SO tired of my KIDS. I know that is SO incredibly terrible to say….” but it was the truth. I’m sure I had been picking up clutter or cleaning or vacuuming for the gazillionth time, and I was having a tired Mom moment. And then I heard them laughing—cracking up actually. They had been wrestling (their new favorite past time) and something clearly became funny and they were so happy. Their laugh was contagious and I started smiling, then chuckling, then I had to go find them and I started laughing too.

ALL of this time, together. Just us. Our family. Four very imperfect people. Within these walls you’ll find our three cats, one precious angel of a dog, and the four of us humans, clearly.

We have gone on a LOT of walks. We’ve been on a lot of trails. We’ve caught fish (by we there I mean my husband and son…) We’ve caught snakes (by we I mean ME on that one…) We’ve gone boating and floating in a local lake, we’ve gone horseback riding, and exploring. We’ve worked out together, ran together, learned more about God together, and really, we’ve loved one another.

These photos are from a random day we decided to wade at a nearby creek…they remind me of the summer that we didn’t necessarily set out to have, but the one that we will never, ever forget.

I realize it is not necessarily the norm for kids to have both parents who are teachers…and that summer vacations look very different for a lot of the city, state, and even world. I don’t take it lightly that we are incredibly blessed, and every single day I thank God that while I have had my moments of being tired and/or fed-up as their mom…I would not trade it for anything. Our son Pierson turned eight this summer…which theoretically means he has what, ten more summers under our roof? Sure, he can choose to stay well after he’s eighteen…but you know what I mean. The days may be long but the years are literally soaring. I thank God for photos, for these moments, and by golly dare I say it, yes, I thank Him for this summer.

Life Lately as a Horsewoman: Still Trusting

I’M IN A FUNK.

You’ve been there I’m sure. When you have a lot of things going on mentally and it’s all filling up your head space, and you are consumed by what ifs, questions, and the worry of unknowns?

I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety or anything for that matter, but I know for a fact I struggle with anxiety—especially when circumstances arise that are out of my control. This week I have worried about our dog’s toenail healing properly, personal family matters, and my horse, Paddy. Lately what I think about 90% of the time, is worrying about and for Paddy. (I also realize that my largest concerns are with our animals, so actually having a ZOO may not be the BEST for my life? Buuuuut that’s my reality, so on we go.)

I started a blog post LAST August that I actually never published. In that post I was so worried because Paddy at that point was exhibiting stallion like behavior (I.e. charging at us and kicking my husband), and we knew we were going to have to move him to my trainer’s farm. I remember last summer worrying that I wouldn’t ever be able to ride him without fear, and it absolutely amazes me that this summer is completely different. Not to mention he is back to his normal self at my trainer’s, happy as a clam with other geldings, and he’s had ZERO behavior issues! I hopped on him the other day and rode him down the long driveway; no other horse to accompany him, and NO fear was to be had on my end. Once I got him in the arena though, I tried to trot him and realized something ELSE: he just isn’t fun for me to ride.

I feel so cold saying that out loud, but it’s the truth. There is something wrong in his hind end, and there are a ton of things that it “could” be. He has been working with my trainer for over a year now, and he just isn’t making any improvement as far as moving forward and using his body. EPM is the first worry, and there are SO many expenses to consider when diagnosing and treating. Maybe he needs a chiropractor and there’s something slipped in regards to a disc or something (completely a GUESS). Maybe he’s hurting and I don’t know it and he needs injections somewhere like hocks or stifles. (MORE MONEY.) There’s a lot. When he trots he feels like his backend is left 50 feet behind, and it is so hard to get into a smooth posting trot; it’s just not fun. He does fine at the walk, and yesterday when riding with a friend, she said, “He would make a great trail horse!” And maybe he would?! We’ve never tried him on trails, but maybe that’s actually something he would enjoy. Maybe I’ve had it all wrong from the beginning and my expectations have just been too high. And maybe somehow and some way, the Vet who is coming out on Thursday can help me find actual SOLID answers, and he WILL become a comfortable mount to ride. But maybe not.

All the while, expenses add up, and we continue to do the guessing game. I often wonder, “Will I be able to afford board this month” and spending money monthly on a horse to ride who I don’t really enjoy riding; does that even make sense? I LOVE Paddy. Genuinely I have more of an emotional connection with Paddy than I probably will ANY horse, because he is my first horse. I wanted one since I was in kindergarten and well, he just happened! From that unpublished blog post, I had written this:

As I have written, I've hesitated to be honest. You see, I am very much a people pleaser and I have always cared (too much) about what others are thinking--especially the ones I look up to. My wonderful friend Lauren recently said this: "Ashley, there is NO point in even allowing yourself to think that Paddy should have gone to someone more experienced, or that you should have gotten an older/more experienced horse. That is pointless, because it is what it is. You have Paddy, and he is part of your story." He has been with us for almost five months, and a LOT has happened in such a short amount of time. Paddy is my heart, and he always will be. And I am praying that instead of claiming this as a failure, I can continue to peacefully turn the pages of our book and patiently await the ones to come.

It’s now been a year and three months and while it is upsetting to me that I still don’t KNOW, it’s clear to me that God is STILL saying, “Just trust.” The biggest thing I have struggled with on this journey has been patience, trust, and faith. I’m 99% sure it’s not horses that stress you out, but if you ARE a horse person reading this, you may have been there and can relate. And if you’re not, I’m sure there are other areas that you struggle with, and relinquishing control of the unknown is equally as trying.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

“Be still and know that I am God.” -Psalm 46:10

My prayer? My prayer is that if I am not Paddy’s forever person, the Lord Himself would bring him or her to my attention. Ultimately, His will be done; that goes for our future as a whole. Maybe God wants us to have land and our own horses on our hypothetical someday land, and maybe He doesn’t? Maybe I’ll be a teacher for thirty years and retire as one, maybe I won’t? I can try to line up all my ducks in a row and try to live my life exactly as I personally think it should be, but at the end of the day, my Creator knows.

How to Create and Enjoy Your Outdoor Space

I don't know about you, but I basically live for all things outdoor. I thoroughly embrace each season (okay, that's a lie...I think I hate winter!!) so when they shift and each one makes room for more opportunities spent outside, I take every chance! When we moved into our new house last summer, the first thing we noticed was how empty the back deck felt. We already had a gazebo with globe lighting, but I dreamt of outdoor furnituture; preferably some that I could comftorably lounge and get sleepy on. We knew that realistically we couldn't afford to buy anything (buying a brand new house is *kinda* pricey all on its' own.....) so we waited until the time was right. 

See this sectional? You better believe this is where I do the majority of my ME time. Sometimes I let my husband join me... kidding, kidding, kidding! We spend a LOT of time talking and cuddling right there. I remember the first night he set this all up. It was still cool and crisp outside (not 103 degrees as it CURRENTLY is) and we completely dozed off under that Opalhouse blanket. Thank you, Target, for generating a brand new line that basically resembles Anthro, but is way more affordable, am I right, Girls?! 

All of the pillows can be found yet this season at Target. The long rectangular one is not technically an 'outdoor pillow,' nor is the throw, but I decided to risk it anyway. They didn't have many options that I loved that are considered 'outdoors,' so when it rains I just do my best to grab them and put them on our living room couch. 

The sectional is an amazing Amazon find! It is seriously SO comfortable and very easily washable. It IS considered an outdoor couch, so yay. It came with the table, and we went with the Nature Brown option. Honestly the table came broken, with a piece of wood split open on the side. We decided to fix it ourselves instead of shipping it back, and Amazon was great to refund us $100 for the trouble. 

The two side chairs were also purchased on Amazon, but are technically Walker Edison Furniture pieces. They came in a set of two, and while the wood doesn't match 100%, it's very, very close and looks great with the sectional. We love that we can host 6+ people easily on this patio, because one of our biggest passions is gathering and fellowshiping with our friends and family. It's not just us who love lounging in this space, clearly our pets spend a lot of time here as well. Our grey cat, Manny, starts to howl around 6 in the morning to be let out and when I actually get UP for the day, I always smile when I see him curled up in a ball either on the couch or in the circular tray on the table.

My biggest advice for designing your outdoor space, is to create it around your family's needs. Sure, cute things are great, but they're not always functional. We made sure that we had a couch large enough that we could host, but made sure to choose one that could be cleaned and would [hopefully] last a long time. The outdoor rug is also easily sprayed off, and can still be found at Target.  

Pops of color are always great in a neutral space, which is why I went with the Opalhouse line of products that I did. I am obsessed with those salmon, and light pinks, and they look great on that cream colored sectional! And lastly, I am a firm believer that fresh flowers make *every* space better and more appealing. So at least whenever we host or plan to spend a few hours on the deck, I like to buy some and fill a vase. 

I would love to know what your dream deck looks like! Or what projects you're currently working on! I am so grateful to have this space and look forward to many cozy nights spent outside because of it.