Hurry Up to Wait

"Hurry UP!" I'll often say as I backseat drive with Asa (my husband). "You could have made it through that light," I've sighed. The cars in front of us are at a stand-still behind a train. "You want me to hurry up just to wait?" he'll respond.

I do this ALL. THE. TIME. Hurry up to wait. I'm impatient! I know it is obnoxious and far from righteous! I try to be a good listener, and most of the time I think my friends would vouch that I am; but when it comes to actions and time on the clock, I hurry. I'll catch myself on walks with the kids, "Hurry up, Reese," I'll rush my two-year old on our way to the playground. Why am I hurrying her? She's a 'stop and smell the roses' kinda girl, but what's wrong with that when we just have time to kill before Dad is home? Climbing in and out of the car, "Hurry up!" I'll exclaim to my still small toddlers. I know they're doing their best, that their tiny legs can only move so fast. I know I need to chill OUT.

And now I am at a point in my life where what I hear God say is this: just wait and just LISTEN.

Okay, God, I'll wait. And I'll listen. But then I forgot to adhere to that promise.

Do you want in on a little secret? Okay it's not little--it's actually huge. And I've been trying to contain my excitement but it's time to just let that loose: next school year, I get to just be Mom. Yup! Next school year I am taking some time off from teaching to focus first on my kids + in the midst of it, I'll get to dig deeper into photography + writing. There are still some kinks to work out, but for the most part, it is looking like after September I'll be able to take some time off to focus on these things. And I know I have heard God's voice in this direction. My husband has heard God's voice in this direction; and together we've decided, this just makes sense! Will it be breezy? Not at all! And our bank account will obviously be the deciding factor of when I need to return to the classroom... but this is the first time in a VERY long time that I have heard His voice say, 'Go ahead and jump. You can't see the future, but I can. And I'll walk with you every step of the way in figuring it out.'

But beyond this, which mind you is HUGE... I'm waiting to hear His voice. Let's be real--being honest is difficult. It's awkward, it kind of makes us want to gag, and social media for the most part, portrays the opposite of authenticity. But in this space, I promised to strive to be real and raw. I would write my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts and then I would take a leap by sharing it with YOU. So honestly? I'm at a weird time in my life. My friendships feel weird, our church situation is weird, my goals and hopes, it all just feels out of sorts.

Let's start with friendships:
I grew up with the best friends EVER. A group of girls and I have known each other since we were teeny, tiny four-year-olds. We went to church together, school together, lived at each others houses and then when eighteen hit, we all moved away. Different colleges, states, phases of life... some have kids, others don't. Some are married while others remain single. Though we're all the same age, we are all in a different phase of life. We keep in touch; texts, e-mails, sporadic phone calls, but obviously, it's different. I've written before about seasons of friendships--God has blessed me generously with women throughout time, that were all there at the right time. When I entered my first pregnancy, I had women within the church who were having babies at the same time. There were hundreds of middle of the night texts, sob-fests to each other, venting speals and at the end of the day, I knew they were by my side and could understand when it felt no one else could. The same went for my second pregnancy, a couple women who were always just there. But now I'm in a different stage; two toddlers, our church family has drastically changed, we are busy working parents and I have been missing so badly, having a close-knit group of girlfriends. I know I can call, text, comment on Instagram to ANY of the sweet women in my life, but my heart longs for that one girl. Have you ever watched Grey's Anatomy? Please say yes... Meredith calls Christina Yang, 'her person.' That's their theme, their friendship, how we as viewers refer to them. Maybe it's not practical for an almost twenty-eight-year old married woman/mom of two kids, but I want it--the type of friendship that knows when to bring a pint of ice cream over to empathize or the bottle of champagne to celebrate. I long for this, but a friendship like that takes TIME. It take lots of pursuing, lots of patience and lots of grace. Friendships are NOT to be hurried because if they become that way, usually they fizzle out. So: I've been asking the Lord to steer my heart, give me peace in my current relationships, and to just help me wait. ("Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act."- Psalm 37:7)

And now, Church:
Years ago, Asa and I left the Church he was raised in for twenty + years. There was a LOT that went into that deciding factor and for the first year of our marriage, we argued a LOT over theology, scripture, and how we understood these things. We walked in to a college church plant back in 2010 and after hearing the pastor speak, we both knew we had heard God say, "This is your new home." It was during that year that we also heard Him tell us that buying our first home in one of the worst zip codes in the nation, was His will. After our first walk-through in the house (which I knew I wanted just from the photos), we walked around the park. We watched a teenage girl get tackled by her mom and seconds later, police officers were crowded around. Tears streamed down my face not because I was scared, but because my heart was screaming, "You are needed HERE." Shortly after we purchased it, a prostitute broke into our home as I nursed my newborn son. My husband was getting groceries, she was strung out on drugs and as one arm shielded Pierson (my son), the other pointed her to the back door. Instead of feeling like it was time to look elsewhere for home-sweet-home, both Asa and I heard our Lord say, "I am here." Back to what this means for me church wise--I love our church. I love the people who call it home and our pastors have started an incredible mission. Recently though, we went through a merger and while I understand why it was necessary, my heart has been grieving the surplus of friends and families who have left. Before the merger, my heart had already experienced this; as lots of our friends made the decision to find somewhere else that had larger kids' ministries. I got it, we were still largely a College Church at this time, but our kids were young enough where they were still doing okay and loving where we were at. Zero for Two: that's how I have been feeling. I've said so many goodbyes and I have lost contact with so many people who were dear to my heart. I'm just at a weird place figuring out where God has ME in all of this. Where do I fit in? Where is my calling? Where am I needed? Regardless, this is not a decision to be rushed--church seeking or deciding. It's a matter that needs to be prayed upon, continuously; it is something that requires a ton of discussion and then honestly, a period of waiting. So: I have been asking Him to be my voice, to guide my spirit and that he will fulfill the immense void that I feel. ("I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for he has promised."-Psalm 105:5)

The In Between's:
How often have you heard me joke that all I want for Christmas is a horse? Except that it's not a joke... my heart beats everything horse! If you have ever been to the Kentucky Derby Museum with me, then you've actually witnessed me tear up in their wrap-around movie theater, where they play the movie The Greatest Race. Horses are the reason I moved from Michigan to Kentucky and they've always been my happy place. My heart longs for open fields, an old barn and a horse or two to house inside it. I want my kids to grow up opening their back door without worrying about a car flying past them. For barn kittens to be loved on, chickens to gather eggs from and a front porch worth sitting on as we sip coffee and overlook the pastures. As I approach my tenth year in this city (WHOA!) none of that is yet feasible. We've looked endlessly at properties on 1+ acre but every single thing has been unrealistic and out of our price range. Sometimes I get so down in the dumps, and I fear that my dream will never be a reality...This passion doesn't go away, it has not yet been stifled and honestly, over the years it's a fire that has burned even hotter inside my heart. But it is not something that I can rush. With our family practically going to one income next year, I know that this dream probably needs to be put on hold even longer. Maybe God will totally surprise us, but waiting for answers is a necessary step. Time, money, location... all such huge factors that at times, have me so restless. ("Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take courage, yes, wait for Him."-Psalm 27:14)

Chapter Two: Wanna Tag Along?

Photo by: Aubrey Renee

Morning came, my eyes were pretty swollen from a good night's cry and like most college students, the first thing I did was check Facebook. 1 new message. From Asa Glass: "Well, it was my feeble attempt to help you do better with your tests...You really should ask Jill (roommate) for that back rub if you have no one else to do it. How were the tests anyway?"  I smiled. My heart and soul were so not interested in a relationship, or so I had been telling myself, but this guy was super sweet. I responded with a little longer message; friendly and casual, I continued about my day.

I wanted to respond to Ashley’s email in a friendly way that invited her to respond to me. It’s not my style to be patient, or to be “breezy,” as Monica Geller would say. I cannonball into love, make a splash, and usually scare everyone out of the pool. To this day, I’m not entirely sure how I managed to keep my cool in the early going with Ashley. We were exchanging messages regularly but I made a very conscience decision not to “friend” her on Facebook (we live in a weird time people) until she friended me. Each time she sent me a message, I made sure to send one back in similar length. I matched her tone with mine. I felt like I was actually pulling off “breezy!"  Inwardly though, I was losing my cool every time I got a notification from her. I checked my phone every ten minutes (okay, way more). I was going to reach a breaking point in my breezy so I made a move.

Sending and receiving messages from Asa was starting to become a normal part of my day that I sincerely looked forward to. His name came up way more in my phone conversations with Mom and I actually began to wonder if we would cross paths again. Surely we would right, I loved that coffee shop and we were messaging one another multiple times a day. I was still working through a lot of my grief at this time, allowing my heart to mend from the hurt it had endured my freshman year. It soon dawned on me, that with every note I received from Asa, my heart felt less burdened, less broken. He asked me inquisitive questions, and I loved writing thoughtful responses. He made me think, question and help me understand myself a little more each day. One morning, the sun and birds woke me earlier than normal and I hopped out of bed. I opened my laptop and logged into Facebook, 1 new message. I read the first two lines and in between the panic of my hair being scraggly and in need of a wash, I jumped for joy.

 “I’m going to the park to take my dog for a long walk. Want to tag along?” I wrote. And then I waited. I waited for what felt like an eternity. I had asked her to actually see me, spend time with me. I wouldn’t have to option of the backspace button to change something I had said. I was nervous and anxious, assuming all the excuses she would give me about why she couldn’t and then…she said yes.

There was something about that message that told me I was going to marry this man. That's insane, I completely agree. But it's like there was some hidden message in his question, "Want to tag along?" that said, "You're going to be the one I will marry." I hurried to get dressed and threw on comfortable jeans and applied minimum makeup. I felt like I was meeting an old friend, regardless of the fact that I had known him less than a week. My heart was pounding loudly, my hands felt a little shaky, but it all felt familiar; there was a lack of fear, which was extremely unusual for my scared-of-relationships-self.

We met at Sunergos that morning before going to the park. True to form, my idiot Chocolate Lab, all 100 lbs of energetic puppy, bounded right at her and practically knocked her to the ground, all before I could say hello. True to Ashley’s form, she smiled through the gut check from Humphrey, walked to me and gave me a big hug. Our first. A moment I pray I never forget. We then went to Cherokee Park and walked for hours. We talked about everything and nothing. We laughed and day dreamed. She told me about her family, her life, her walk with God. I noticed about half way through our walk that I had butterflies, but no anxiety. I could feel my blood racing and my heart pounding, but there was no fear. This girl was different.

There are only so many hours you can walk at a park before you have to admit you are no longer walking the dog, but on a date. After probably three full hours, we decided we needed food. We headed to Qdoba because they had outdoor seating and Humphrey could join us. She only agreed if I let her pay for her own meal. I didn’t. I paid. I wasn’t going to let this day be anything less than a date with this gorgeous, interesting, funny blonde that I was falling for. She could be mad later, today we were on a date.

Part of my whole "this will be the year I'm going to be single" was enforcing the rule: no dates. I wouldn't allow a guy to pay for my meal, at all. So I told Asa, "Sure, I'll go to Qdoba, but I have to pay for mine." We went through the line, I'm sure I ordered some vegetarian burrito with a diet coke, and started to pull out my bank card but I was two seconds two slow; he was already ahead of me and paying for both our meals. Oh crud, I thought. But a smile began to form and my heart said, "He is different." We sat in the sunshine, his insanely hyper dog was meanwhile drooling all over me and couldn't take his eyes off my meal. Asa commanded Humphrey to be still and to sit and he listened. I could read the love between them, it was obvious that Humphrey's entire heart beat for this man. Little did I know that very soon, so would mine.

After nearly six hours together, I started the slow drive back to Sunergos. We pulled in to the back of the coffee shop and she thanked me for perhaps the strangest thing I’ve ever been thanked for: “Thank you for not asking for my number. For allowing this to go slow.” I think I responded with, “I figure you’ll give it to me when you want me to have it.” What I actually wanted to say was, “I desperately want your number, but I am terrified that I will run you away. And I can’t run you away. I can’t. I have to be breezy at least this once because I can’t take a broken heart again.”

When I got out of his car, I looked at the clock. We had just spent an entire day together and it flew by. If I hadn't had deadlines to meet and exams to study for, I would have probably found some other excuse to lengthen our time together. I opened the back door of my house and walking to my bedroom in a daze. I remember opening the windows and flopping on to my bed, re-capping the day in full. He asked me to go for a walk with his dog, we got lunch, he paid, we talked and talked for hours on end... it was a date. And I was feeling okay with it. I opened Facebook and opened our message history. I read and re-read. I prayed for a few minutes and before starting a new line, I hit the button, "Request Friend." Then I sent him something short and sweet; at the very end, including my number. I couldn't really think straight, there was something about Asa. He was so calm, level-headed, rational, kind, passionate and absolutely, 100%, a complete and Godly gentleman. My heart wasn't ready for this but it also didn't ask. Love is funny like that--it doesn't check with you first, it doesn't follow rules or regulations. Love just leaps. And I was diving head first.

She hugged me goodbye, I’m sure I said something like, “I’ll see you soon” and she said, “I’ll message you later”.  After six hours, she still had more to say, and wanted more from me. I drove away thanking God for her, asking for patience and to trust His timing. Later that night I got two things from Ashley: A Facebook friend request and a message with her number. And just like that, I was done being breezy. I was done playing it cool. Love isn’t a game; it isn’t about playing it safe. Love is real and raw. Love shouldn’t be tamed. Turns out, we both felt the same way.

True Beauty

I was recently asked a question that I have since, pondered a lot: "If you could give your daughter one beauty tip, what would it be?"

Well, before I could answer this, I had to first decide, what IS beauty? The answer ranges so diversely for all of us. And with social media so prevalent, we have the ability to control how we want ourselves to be portrayed. What you think is beautiful, I might not. But I think even in our differences, we can come to a common ground: beauty is the heart. What's your day-to-day look like? Do you love others well? Do you treat those around you with love and respect? What is your heart thinking? If there was a way we could see it outside your chest, what are the types of things it would be filled with? Jealousy, anger, resentment, conceit, lust, selfishness, pride... I think we all agree that those are not beautiful characteristics. 

So then, what do I want to teach my children about beauty? I have two toddlers and I want to teach them both very similar things, but I have to say that there is definitely more of an emphasis on how my daughter will learn this concept and that she will learn much of it from me. This makes sense, not because my husband is absent or hands-off (he is such the opposite of that!) but because every single day she watches me very intently. At two-and-a-half, she watches me put on makeup and mimics everything I do. She uses the powder brush across her cheeks, she pretends to put on mascara and to straighten or curl her hair. She is observing every single thing I do to get ready. As she grows older, my intent is to teach her that beauty is not the products she puts on--these things are okay; clearly, I enjoy wearing makeup, but they do not define her. I want her to find beauty in her strength, her laughter, her joy, her adventurous soul. Because if at the end of the day, she grows up and only thinks she is beautiful by the worlds' definition, I have failed.

I want my daughter to know that over the years, she will endure many changes. Whether she has children of her own or not, her body will go through so many transformations. She never knew the Ashley before babies. She doesn't yet notice my stretch marks, nor does she know that they are a part of me that didn't used to be. Will she fear marks of her own? Or will she see that her mom can love herself in spite of them, so she then can too...At two-and-a-half, she doesn't see fault. She doesn't know about numbers on a scale and she isn't yet insecure how clothes fit. As she grows, I want to help her embrace the fact that though her opinion of those things may change, her heart holds the most beauty.

As a toddler, her heart is so sweet. She is sensitive and right now, has many fears that she is working bravely to overcome (like her paranoia of bugs!) She has a servant's heart, replying with, "Sure!" and "Okay!" when asked to do a chore. She has the desire to make people happy, to love us and her brother well. She adores to be held and to cuddle- last night as we rocked, she stroked the sides of my cheek so softly as I sang her nightly lullaby. What will her heart be when she is five? What will she be as a teenager? Outward beauty is subjective; the texture of our skin, it changes. Some of us get stretch marks, others don't. The composure of our hair, that changes too. Our body types--all so different, so unique. But our inward beauty, I pray that still shines. I hope that even when she questions the body she is given, that she will thank her Creator for giving her such a beautiful and strong heart and soul.

It is no small task, raising a daughter. She will forever look to me, with her inquisitive hazel eyes; and when she does, I pray she sees a woman who encouraged her to pursue her passion, who helped her use her voice in times of weakness and who loved the heck out of her every step of the way. My one beauty tip that I give to my daughter then, is to start with simply seeking a beautiful heart.

No More Apologies

If you are someone who apologizes incessantly, for the tiniest fraction of an instance that doesn't even require an apology; well, you are not alone.

I'm sorry you screwed up my order.
I'm sorry you're not happy.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't available immediately .
I'm sorry you said something hurtful to me.
I'm sorry.

My birthday is in a couple of weeks and there's finally something I am figuring out the older that I get: "I'm sorry" is a phrase that I need to rid from my vocabulary. It wasn't too long ago though that I was apologizing for SO MUCH. If I didn't respond to a text message immediately, I later apologized to the person who sent it. If I wrote something that convicted someone or shed some uncomfortable light to their eyes, I apologized for writing it. If I felt insecure, I apologized. How about at a restaurant when my order was wrong? I ordered a vegetarian dish and was given one filled with chicken instead. "I'm sorry," I sheepishly said to the waiter.

I think that often it is women who feel more of a need to apologize. I'm not trying to be gender-selective, I have just noticed this more in the communities and groups that I am a part of. I don't know if this can be chalked up to maternal instincts? We tend to want to be polite and soft-spoken; we don't want to risk offending anyone with our words or thoughts, even if they desperately need to be heard.  "I'm sorry, but are all done making noise yet?!" I called to my neighbors who were revving motorcycle engines at two in the morning. I wasn't SORRY, I was ticked off! So why did I start with an apology?

I also think that we live in a society where we are constantly trying to please the people surrounding us. "I'm sorry I have to call out of work and that my kids are sick..." What?! I'm not sorry! I'm sorry that my kids ARE sick, but I'm not sorry that I have to be Mom. "I'm sorry I'm feeling sad, I don't know why I'm so down..." Since when do we have to be sorry for feeling a certain emotion? It wasn't until my kids got a little older and I started recognizing the most repeated phrase in their current toddler dictionary: I'm sorry.

When Reese was learning how to walk and babbling up a storm, I sorry, was the first from her mouth when she fell down. If they bumped into me turning a corner, "I'm sorry!" Or when they had a poopy diaper, "I'm sorry, Mom!" I am NOT the mom who yells at her kids for petty things--definitely not for learning how to walk or dirtying their diapers. But I was the mom who said, "I'm sorry," way too much. 

Hurting someone's feelings--sure, apologize if you're in the wrong. Losing your temper with your spouse or children, definitely. But there are so many things I am working on NOT feeling guilty for:

I won't be sorry for being too busy or spending intentional time with my children or husband. I won't be sorry when I am too tired to complete my ridiculously long to-do list. I won't be sorry for not responding to a text message immediately or waiting a few hours to shoot back an e-mail. I won't be sorry when I have kindly and respectfully stood up for what I believe. I won't apologize for using my voice for good.

Are you doing your best? Are you working hard to be successful in your career, home life, relationships? Are you loving yourself well? Then stop apologizing. You do not need to be sorry for existing, you shouldn't feel guilt for being the kick-ass person you are, regardless of how and where. Love others, love you, and then own it!