Expect Something Different: First Year of Marriage

Aahh the Newlywed stage. Have people ever told you, “Your first year will be the hardest!” When Asa and I got engaged, it was mind blowing just how many outright negative comments we received. The one common thread everyone said we would fight over, was money. They also said that we would be having sex, all the time. Guess right, they were WRONG.

Whenever we have friends in our life get married we alway ask them these questions:

-What is the best part about being married?
-What is the one thing you can’t believe nobody told you about?
-What is the hardest part about being married?

About 99% of the time we get these answers: “The best part is learning to do life together, making our home, nesting essentially. The part nobody warned us about is how fiercely independent we’ve been for so many years and how hard that would be to shake off as we become dependent on each other. And the hardest part is sex. Expectations were weird, physically it’s not what we expected… and not to say it’s “bad”, (though sometimes it is) it’s certainly not the movies either.

Truthfully this is the reality for so many newlyweds, regardless we’ve found of age or how long they’ve been together. Of course unpacking and arranging furniture is fun. Cuddling with your spouse, having morning coffee, sneaking into each others’ shower are all just awesome fun things. It’s LIFE. This is why we chose to get married, to do life with each other.

The trouble comes that we seem to not realize that sharing our life, really means SHARING OUR LIVES. We share finances and we share time. We share spaces and objects. Learning that I have to communicate my schedule, my desires for OUR money, and being upfront about my expectations is challenging. Somehow though we forget in the engagement stage of the relationship that we are independent people agreeing to intertwine everything in life.

And then yes, there is sex. Your predisposed notion is PROBABLY: “It’s going to be magical, it’s going to be often, and I’m going to be really good at it.” But the truth is, unless you are both quite versed in sex prior to your wedding night, (we weren’t), its going to be awkward. It might even be hard. Yes, it will definitely be fun. But you don’t necessarily think about prior to the marriage, that you will have to find a way to be as sexy as you can, and care as little as possible about the outcome. That’s difficult, right? Things just aren’t the movies, where everything has perfect candle lit angles, and its all extremely satisfying. But you know what it is? It is intimate, it is fun, it does feel good, and it will get better. Practice makes perfect. Stick with it slugger.

We recently saw this quote that resonated well:

“The devil will do anything to get you in bed before your marriage and everything after your wedding night to keep you out of it.”

Believe it or not, this is 1000% TRUE.

Our first year of marriage, we didn’t stress about money. We were poor. Plain and simple! We budgeted extremely well and looked forward to our Thursday night cheap Chinese takeout and Grey’s Anatomy. We didn’t overspend or even want to spend. We had each other, and we lived in the heart of the city of Old Louisville. We had our dogs, our love, and Chinese…what more could we ask for?

But the truth is, as the years went on, we quickly discovered that we didn’t have it all together. Our love, as strong as it was, wasn’t solely butterflies and roses. We struggled finding the time to pursue one another, to learn what the other needed: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intimately. The newly wed stage is magical for all the right reasons, but it’s just a phase. What we hope and pray you are creating is a healthy foundation of LOVE for all of the phases still yet to come. Each phase is beautifully tough. No phase is perfect, but ALL phases you get to face together.

Love,

Let's Get Real

Hey everyone, so moment of truth, how many people here enjoy working? Is it like, 10% or 90% of you reading who say, "I do! I love getting up in the morning and going to work all day!" Because I'll just be real with you: I want to stay home with my babies all day everyday, as exhausting and infuriating as they can be, and write and take pretty pictures on my terms. Can anyone else relate?

Do not get me wrong here or twist these words--I love teaching, and I love the relationships that I build with students. However, now that I've had a taste of stay at home life, well, it's that much harder to go back. My son starts kindergarten next Wednesday and my daughter starts preschool in TWO days. Bless their hearts but good LORD, could someone just heal MY broken heart?! There are some moms who are great with their kids growing up and getting older and get super thrilled about all the milestones. I have loved every stage and every single year, but let's also be real; when Pierson was three months old, you would have found me in his nursery crying, flat on my face, simply because he had changed so much. (Okay, at that time I had a serious thyroid disorder that made my hormones ALL out whack, but still!!) Most months when I feel extra emotional, it kind of spirals when I think about all the memories or moments of recent days. It's like, in SPITE of how frustrated (downright angry) I get with their bickering, tattling, and constant messes, I simultaneously want to scoop them up and hold them on my lap and squeeze them forever. 

Let's get real. I just signed up to a part of my son's PTA. I smiled and gave my email address and sat through his orientation with many other parents in the room; meanwhile, I felt like I was having the wind knocked out of me over, and over, and over again. There's a difference in losing your breath when you see your baby for the first time after hours of a strenuous labor and then losing it because you've realized that baby is FIVE freeking years old and he's his own miniature person. And the same goes for my baby girl, who is SO excited to start school because her brother is, and who talks constantly about picking her outfit for the first day, making friends, and listening to her teacher. Y'all, these are GREAT THINGS! I just need to be 100% honest in admitting that they also are making me feel physically ILL at the moment. 

You know those moments as a mom when you're utterly exhausted and you're sitting on the toilet, and you think, "This moment of peace will last a maximum of 2.3 seconds...." and then you're spot on, because the kids barge in and are either running from each other or one asks to literally see what progress you've made on said toilet? I literally shut my bathroom door today, for the FIRST TIME EVER, because we have never had an en suite. And we now have THREE bathrooms in this house [hello heaven!!!!!] so I thought, "Surely I can just pee, and close the door so that I don't hear their noise." Lo and behold Reese storms through the door: "MOM! WHY did you close the door?! That's so MEAN!!" It was a rare moment where I had my patience under control, and I said, "Reese, let's try that again. I closed the door because I can. I am a grownup and grownups can close doors, children should not. I closed the door because I wanted a minute of quiet. Why don't you try knocking on the door and asking if it's okay to come in?" "Okay, Mommy!!" she responded. And she practiced. "That's a very big girl thing to do, Reese," I praised. And then I almost laughed out loud because the entire exchange took way too long and let's face it, I had finished peeing LONG ago, I was just merely scrolling my phone at the point that she had rudely entered. However, I digress. There's going to come a day in the very near future that my daughter does not WANT to come in the bathroom with me. Let's get real. She is going to want her privacy, and respect mine, and the days of her constantly wanting me will be no more. 

Our son just recently started going into a stall at the gym to change into his swimsuit and HE has been closing the door when he uses the bathroom here at home. I don't even know when or how this happened, is that just like, an innate thing that kids do? Because Lord knows I didn't prompt that. I guess I just feel like at this moment, in this season, my kids are giants. And it's barely just begun. So here, let's look at some sappy photos and all cry together, want to? 

From none to one to five, I'm just not sure where the years went.....and here's some of Reesie Cup:

I've read many a blog post where moms write about the woes and heartache of their children growing bigger. The posts about how important it is for self-care as a mom [and it is] and how we should also not care so much about the messes and finger printed glass doors; we all experience it. We blink and they are starting school. We wake up and they are four and five. While I used to never understand phrases like, "Just you wait, tomorrow they'll be driving themselves!" I do now. I remember carrying two car seats very uncomfortably on my arms, balancing them up multiple staircases to get into our home; and now both of my kids can buckle themselves in. 

Let's get real. Life is fleeting, and I am holding on for dear life.