No More When/Then: Finding Contentment in the Here and Now

Have you ever thought, "When I do _________ then I'll be truly happy." Or if you've probably heard, "You know, when I reached thirty I really figured myself out." And, "When I turned forty, I completely stopped caring what other people thought; I became more secure in who I was." 

Currently, the sun is setting, the breeze is blowing, our globe lights are lit on the deck, my sleeping grey cat is nestled next to me, and I just took a deep breathe.

In.

And out. 

I'm working through the marvelous book Wild and Free by two dear, Christian sisters. I've never been fond at writing in books because I've always thought, "What if I re-sell these or give them to someone else?" but recently I decided to highlight the ish out of whatever speaks to my heart. Talk about self-therapy! It's helped me process words and thoughts SO much more effectively. So on page 132 it says, "We weren't living our dream life, and we certainly weren't living anyone else's dream. But we were alive by the skin of our teeth. We were still together, still standing, and still calling on the name of the Lord." [highlight, highlight, highlight!!!]

Coming from someone who has always had the mindset: When and Then, that paragraph was a major conviction. I mean seriously, for the past few years while I've struggled immensely with finding contentment, my life kind of flashed before my eyes. Here I am, twenty-eight years old, a wife of almost eight years, a mother of two children and I have to stop and remind myself: "We are still together, we are still here, and we daily call on the Lord." 

Not too long ago I wrote an article called, "Why I Stopped Telling My Son to be Big and Strong." There I shared a tidbit of how I've literally wished my entire life away and how I am trying to teach him how to be present. I always wanted a boyfriend and longed for independence; then I moved six hours away and now desperately miss my Michigan home. I dated and longed for marriage (well, only when I had met my husband because prior to him I didn't think I'd GET married.) Then babies. Then a teaching degree. Then a Masters. Then photography. And more photography. And to quit my day job and to stay home with my babies. I've wished for my dream home--ya'll know which one: the white farmhouse with the wrap around porch (that doesn't yet exist or in the very least, we can't find it...)--it has chickens and horses and barn cats and gorgeous green grass for miles on end. 

But wait. 

My happiness can't, or shouldn't, depend on my circumstances. My life is not awaiting peace and complete astounding joy only WHEN I sit on that future (completely hypothetical) front porch. I don't want to "find myself" in two years when I turn thirty (omg..) I don't want to live in the When/Then state of mind anymore.

Sometimes I'm an emotional wreck over the fact that my kids are getting bigger. Newborns, a year, the two's and three's; all these years have been indescribable; they're wrapped in pure chaos but contagious laughter and sweet memories. I fear them getting older--will life be as sweet when they're five, six, ten, fifteen, thirty-five, fifty? All of you experienced moms to older children are reading this and saying, "Duh, Ashley. Don't be dumb." But this is only to show you that seriously, finding and resting in contentment is for ME, continuously challenging. 

I hope that wherever you are in life, you can take a moment as you read and breathe deeply.

In. 

And out. 

Do you have people in your life who love you? Do you KNOW that you are loved? That wherever you are, whatever you've done, you've accomplished some pretty great things? Life might not be going "as you planned." Your heart may long for something deeply; pregnancy, a baby, lots of babies, marriage, to be more fit, to be more secure, to find THE right guy or gal...

I don't know what you long for. But I have absolute faith that God does. 

If you have Wild and Free, will you please turn to pages 135-139? I won't sit here and type out word for word what these ladies say, but there is something here that really meant a lot to me and that I think YOU too will benefit from hearing:

"Wild women are secure in their identity because their eyes are on the Lord...Wild women live at ease with all their weaknesses and strengths, sin and spiritual gifts, because they are inextricably rooted in a God who covers and uses it all...A wild woman doesn't have time or space to feel insecure, because her thoughts and affections are for Him and for how immeasurably great He is" (135). 

Ya'll... I am a blessed woman. But I think you are too. As I sit out back, my kids are pulled up on the monitor via my phone and they are sound asleep. Crickets are chirping, birds are saying their good-nights. Tree frogs are croaking, my cat ditched me but my massive dogs lay beside me, helping me feel safe and protected. Right now there is no When/Then even remotely crossing my mind. Because for right now, God has met me here. 

"For I know the plans I have for you...Plans to prosper you, not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future"-Jeremiah 29:11

Hugs, Sisters and Friends. I love you all. 

Joy in the Mundane

Headband by: The Sassy Olive

Routines: we all start getting into a rhythm of them as kids, right? I still remember my middle and high school 'getting ready' routine, which all began with my dad turning on the night light in my fish tank. I would hear the 'click,' and immediately open my eyes. That routine changed and shifted as I graduated, went to college, and now as a full-time mom and teacher. Life looks a lot different then it did when I was I was younger, but my new daily routines pretty much stay the same, day after day, month after month.

During the week, I have two alarms set on my phone. I press snooze on them both, staying in bed way too long. I go into our bathroom, our black cat follows, I close the door, and I do all my 'getting ready' steps. In my classroom, my students repeat the same norms and procedures every single morning. We stand behind our chairs, fix our posture and recite:

Be respectful.
Ignore negative behavior.
Follow directions the first time asked....

My toddlers too, have a pretty standard rhythm of life--breakfast, play time, snack, more play time, lunch, nap... Their bedtime routines are the same; they always want their favorite blankets, Lion and baby doll. They know the schedule and that's what they thrive on. I know you have your own rhythms of life too. Maybe you're a morning person (uggg) and you wake at the same time each day; drink your coffee and catch up on the news (or get in the Word!) Perhaps you prefer to get a workout in before your job begins. Or maybe you come home straight from work, change clothes and head to the gym? Whatever it is, however your average day appears, does it ever get boring?  

Lara Casey said, "When we work heartily for the Lord, the mundane becomes meaningful, and the bigger tasks are given greater energy and focus.” Lately, I have been struggling with sorting my thoughts and organizing them into creating purpose. I know God has gifted me with several attributes, but where does He want me to START? Lara also said, "“Do one thing at a time. Do it well. Or just get it done. Done is better than perfect, and doing one thing well is better than doing a thousand mediocre things.” 

I tend to get wrapped up in my head (and heart). I feel things deeply: words, emotions, thoughts, comments, conversations. A few days ago I visited the gym and as I was stretching, I caught my own eye in the full-length mirror. I was in a complete and utter haze. I didn't know what I was thinking, I felt sad and blue and blah and then I thought, "Ashley, just pray." I headed to the treadmill where I ran a very slow two miles, and began:

Jesus, I don't even know what I'm thinking. I feel so disorganized, so muddled. Please give me peace, help me to find joy that only You can bring. Give me the strength to keep putting my feet forward, help me to radiate You, wherever I go.  

And then throughout the weekend, I continued that prayer. Our weekend consisted of our normal routines and followed the same structure as it normally does. As much as I love my children, I deeply cherish their nap and bedtimes. During their rest, I painted a desk, read more of Make it Happen, journaled, and just prayed. Here I am, at the beginning of my work week, and I promise myself today to find joy in the mundane. There is purpose in even the smallest tasks, and I am confident that the Lord will be at work through them. I don't even think twice when I wash my hands throughout the day, but for my daughter, it's one of her biggest delights! 

 What type of energy are you going to radiate today? My Monday will be a fairly typical one. Our kids will eat dinner around six-thirty, have their baths, and be in their beds around 7:30pm. At the end of the day, I won't have climbed a mountain or watched a beautiful sunset from the white sands of a beach. I won't have published a book or produced a record smashing album. But I'll have taught and loved my students well. I will have hugged my children tightly and have tried to encourage the adults in my life in any ways that I can.

I'll still have lots of thoughts in my head, but I pray that I will continue giving them to the God who made me. One step at a time, day by day, and I think He'll make it more and more clear the radical that He has planned for my life. Not that being mom, teacher, wife, (insert a hundred more titles here) are small tasks--they're not. And yours aren't either. Instead of getting caught up in the haze of each one, I encourage you to fulfill your duties with zeal and heart.

How are you today, friends? What are the first five things that pop into your head as you've finished reading this? What is on your to-do list today or for this week? Are there tasks in your life that are starting to feel mundane or ordinary? Send me an e-mail, comment below and let me know how I can pray for you this week!