I used to wonder if one day my brother would wake up and miraculously start talking. If he wouldn’t have any challenges walking or moving. If he would wake up one day and be a brand new person. As I take a moment to reflect on those wonders, it brings numerous different feelings up on the horizon of my sometimes fragile emotions.
Early on in dating, Asa once asked me what I thought about Heaven and what I looked forward to about it. I don’t remember word for word what I replied with, but I know I said something along the lines that I couldn’t wait to watch my brother run wild and free on the streets of gold. I can’t fathom, really. I can’t fathom my brother not being in pain, not having challenges, not having struggle after struggle health wise. But do you know what else I can’t fathom…? The amount of strength, grit, determination, will and JOY that he continues to have on a DAILY basis.
“How are you, Nate?” you can ask.
“Goo,” he will without a doubt respond, which is GOOD.
Since this is a place of transparency and because I haven’t shared much as a young woman of a special needs sibling, I also find it necessary to be real with you. When I was in the fourth grade, I remember going to bed angry. About what, I can’t remember—but I definitely was having lots of mixed emotions. I remember very, very vividly, imagining a world where Nathan didn’t exist. “I wonder what it would be like if he wasn’t here anymore,” I thought. I went to bed that way, and some time early in the morning, I heard my mom’s blood curdling scream. I heard her yelling, “SEAN!!!!!!" SEAN!!!!!!” at the top of her lungs. It was still dark out, I was SO confused, and I remember racing to the sound of her voice. I can remember seeing her on the phone, crying, speaking loudly and urgently, and Nathan on his bed, unresponsive. I didn’t know it at the time, but he had just had a Grand Mal Seizure.
I sprinted out of the room and basically ran psychotically around, and ended up in my mom’s room alone. I was sobbing. My brother Sean must have came in as I do remember him telling me to get it together. That may sound harsh, but I know that he was kind of being tugged too; as the middle child, he had different responsibilities. He needed to be strong for my parents and he needed to be strong for me, his baby sister. “I KILLED HIM!” I yelled at Sean. “I killed Nathan.”
That one memory seems to be eternally engrained in my mind and on my heart… I felt so strongly that it was my fault for picturing a life without Nathan! As my relationship with God grew and as I matured in my faith and as a person, I know that’s not how life works. It was a very horrendous, ironic incident that I had absolutely zero control over. But it still hurts to type out and also is humiliating admitting any of it.
You see, I CANNOT picture a life without my oldest brother, nor do I ever want to.
Nathan is who we have called our Energizer Bunny, forever. He has survived countless medical emergencies. He has beaten the odds time after time after time. “He won’t live past 18,” my parents have heard from doctors. “He has 1% chance of surviving this,” they’ve said. And here we are. Today he turns 38 years old. THIRTY-EIGHT. I and we don’t take his birthdays for granted. While Nathan is strong, he is also incredibly fragile. His bones don’t work they way they once did (and even then, they didn’t work great!!) He is battling several different health issues right now with insulin and glucose; he is scheduled to have oral surgery at the end of this month. There is so much more but I’d do a horrible job explaining it all so I don’t think I’ll try.
I write this to share a piece of my heart as his little kid sister…the baby of the family. Who couldn’t quite comprehend everything in my growing up years, and who may have struggled and battled trying to…but who as an adult and now mom myself…can’t really find the right words to use to describe just how MUCH I love him. Nathan is largely the reason for my faith in God. I believe he is the reason our family has stayed together. He is the reason Sean and I can dream BIG, GIANT dreams and why we keep fighting for them. He is why we all love each other SO much. He’s the reason for a lot of things and I just feel really, really blessed to be his sister.
One thing our family needs (and has needed for a long time now!) is an in home elevator for Nathan. Sean and I created a GoFundMe account for him over Thanksgiving and are pushing hard to reach this goal. Nathan’s mobility and health decreases every SINGLE year. My parents are in their sixties and take full care of him, but they have health challenges of their own. In order to safely use both floors in their home with Nathan, he sincerely needs this elevator. We are a little more than half way there, so I’m asking YOU, whoever you are and wherever you are reading this from: would you consider donating even $5? And would you please share his GoFundMe page on your social channels? You never know who will see it and be touched to give! Today is Nathan’s birthday—what an incredible gift to tell him that YOU helped!
I appreciate every single one of you who is reading this. Thank you for helping this blog be a safe space for me to write to you, and a place where I can share my heart. I feel very undeserving of my brother’s love, but gosh I am so thankful for it.
Happy birthday, Nathan Wayne! I and we love you SO incredibly much. We pray you have lots of energy today and that above all, you know how LOVED and inspirational you are!
