2023, Here We Go!

2022 started with Asa testing positive for Covid. His Facebook status (which he rarely EVER updates), read this:

For the new year, I thought I’d do something I’ve never done. Tested positive for COVID today. Is it 2023 yet?

To which I responded: 

Hey, don’t wish away our year. 2022 is gonna have crisis, heartache, drama, stress, tears and more. But it’s ALSO going to have laughter, hugs, newness, excitement, and JOY. I love you!!!! I am sooooooo sorry you are so sick and that this break has been prettyyyyyyy miserable. You and we’ve got this!

He responded, “Ashley, it better be good!” and I said (yes, this is a lot of back and forth)... “It might not be? But we can handle anything together.” 

Today was the memory of that status. He scoffingly said, “Boy were you right, Ash!” I remember how I felt this time last year. That 2022 was a new year, I was excited about it, but knew that like all years, there would be challenges that came our way. Did I ever guess that would include being diagnosed with a severe autoimmune disease? Of course not. But NONE of us know the ‘hand we will be dealt,’ right? I feel like every single year for the rest of our forever (here on Earth anyway), is going to guarantee these things: 

Heartache. Laughter. Hope. Despair. Grief. Love. Friendships. Loss. Challenges. Accomplishments. Failure. Achievements. Smiles. Tears. And maybe it’ll all repeat, maybe not? 

And I also know this: If we stay united with Christ, and with each other, it will ALL be okay. So how about 2023? What’s next?

This year I didn’t set any MASSIVE goals. I don’t need to run a certain or set number of miles, I simply want to ‘increase my miles.’ Would I love to run 10-13 miles again without stopping? Sure! Right now I can do a solid 3-4 and I’m happy to maintain that for a little bit, and then I want to pick it up. Since finding out I HAVE MS, that alone has made my workouts way more doable and enjoyable. I find myself thanking God that I CAN do them, whereas before, I took a lot of runs and lifting workouts for granted. 

I also want to make more friends at our church (and really just in general, with Christ loving people.) We’ve attended our church a few years, since the Pandemic really, and while we know a handful of people, we aren’t fully plugged IN, if that makes sense. I am craving deep and meaningful friendship. I was never in a sorority, I don’t live in the same state I grew up in, and frankly since having to move churches several times throughout our marriage, that has made friendship hard! Oh and the fact that I got married as a sophomore in college / 20-year old…ha. Today a neighbor of ours texted, “I know it’s last minute but we are making a charcuterie board and some simple pasta. Would you guys want to come over for dinner?” and I died inside. Kidding–but I was so sad we couldn’t make it! I told my husband this was my dream friendship right in front of me. A charcuterie board, pasta, and amazing people!? YES, PLEASE! PS: Motherhood / Adulting / Friends = tricky to maintain and manage, at least for ME. 

My other hopes for this year are that I will read more, and that I will grow significantly in my walk with God. I want to read more books about Him, learning about His character and who HE is. I want to decrease screen time, and believe we should ALL be doing that. Today our pastor encouraged us that as a congregation, our goals should have rhythms AND restrictions, and I couldn’t agree more. For instance:

*Rhythms: daily prayerful engagement with Scripture 

*Restrictions: limit quality and quantity of screen intake 

Nothing was huge or out of the norm as far as setting my goals for 2023. I have seen how EASY it is to walk away, and I do not want to do that. I long for our family to be so deeply rooted in Christ loving friendships and community, and that together we will be rooted in Him. No one said the year will be easy, and it won’t be. But as I said above, if we stay united with Christ, and with each other, it will ALL be okay. (My dad loves to say, “It’ll all be good,” and it makes me smile.)

(Does this feel like a big, giant spoken ‘prove me wrong’ God, to anyone else?? I tend to be on the superstitious side sometimes, where I am scared to say things aloud because then they so freakishly HAPPEN?? That I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t kinda freaked myself out with this post.) 

What about you, Friend? Wanna share your 2023 goals with me? Feel free to email me or find me on Insta to connect and say hello! Whatever your aspirations are, I pray you well and thank you for sticking around in my little corner of the internet!

A Birthday Tribute to My Brother Nathan, and Asking for YOUR Help

I used to wonder if one day my brother would wake up and miraculously start talking. If he wouldn’t have any challenges walking or moving. If he would wake up one day and be a brand new person. As I take a moment to reflect on those wonders, it brings numerous different feelings up on the horizon of my sometimes fragile emotions.

Early on in dating, Asa once asked me what I thought about Heaven and what I looked forward to about it. I don’t remember word for word what I replied with, but I know I said something along the lines that I couldn’t wait to watch my brother run wild and free on the streets of gold. I can’t fathom, really. I can’t fathom my brother not being in pain, not having challenges, not having struggle after struggle health wise. But do you know what else I can’t fathom…? The amount of strength, grit, determination, will and JOY that he continues to have on a DAILY basis.

“How are you, Nate?” you can ask.

“Goo,” he will without a doubt respond, which is GOOD.

Since this is a place of transparency and because I haven’t shared much as a young woman of a special needs sibling, I also find it necessary to be real with you. When I was in the fourth grade, I remember going to bed angry. About what, I can’t remember—but I definitely was having lots of mixed emotions. I remember very, very vividly, imagining a world where Nathan didn’t exist. “I wonder what it would be like if he wasn’t here anymore,” I thought. I went to bed that way, and some time early in the morning, I heard my mom’s blood curdling scream. I heard her yelling, “SEAN!!!!!!" SEAN!!!!!!” at the top of her lungs. It was still dark out, I was SO confused, and I remember racing to the sound of her voice. I can remember seeing her on the phone, crying, speaking loudly and urgently, and Nathan on his bed, unresponsive. I didn’t know it at the time, but he had just had a Grand Mal Seizure.

I sprinted out of the room and basically ran psychotically around, and ended up in my mom’s room alone. I was sobbing. My brother Sean must have came in as I do remember him telling me to get it together. That may sound harsh, but I know that he was kind of being tugged too; as the middle child, he had different responsibilities. He needed to be strong for my parents and he needed to be strong for me, his baby sister. “I KILLED HIM!” I yelled at Sean. “I killed Nathan.”

That one memory seems to be eternally engrained in my mind and on my heart… I felt so strongly that it was my fault for picturing a life without Nathan! As my relationship with God grew and as I matured in my faith and as a person, I know that’s not how life works. It was a very horrendous, ironic incident that I had absolutely zero control over. But it still hurts to type out and also is humiliating admitting any of it.

You see, I CANNOT picture a life without my oldest brother, nor do I ever want to.

Nathan is who we have called our Energizer Bunny, forever. He has survived countless medical emergencies. He has beaten the odds time after time after time. “He won’t live past 18,” my parents have heard from doctors. “He has 1% chance of surviving this,” they’ve said. And here we are. Today he turns 38 years old. THIRTY-EIGHT. I and we don’t take his birthdays for granted. While Nathan is strong, he is also incredibly fragile. His bones don’t work they way they once did (and even then, they didn’t work great!!) He is battling several different health issues right now with insulin and glucose; he is scheduled to have oral surgery at the end of this month. There is so much more but I’d do a horrible job explaining it all so I don’t think I’ll try.

I write this to share a piece of my heart as his little kid sister…the baby of the family. Who couldn’t quite comprehend everything in my growing up years, and who may have struggled and battled trying to…but who as an adult and now mom myself…can’t really find the right words to use to describe just how MUCH I love him. Nathan is largely the reason for my faith in God. I believe he is the reason our family has stayed together. He is the reason Sean and I can dream BIG, GIANT dreams and why we keep fighting for them. He is why we all love each other SO much. He’s the reason for a lot of things and I just feel really, really blessed to be his sister.

One thing our family needs (and has needed for a long time now!) is an in home elevator for Nathan. Sean and I created a GoFundMe account for him over Thanksgiving and are pushing hard to reach this goal. Nathan’s mobility and health decreases every SINGLE year. My parents are in their sixties and take full care of him, but they have health challenges of their own. In order to safely use both floors in their home with Nathan, he sincerely needs this elevator. We are a little more than half way there, so I’m asking YOU, whoever you are and wherever you are reading this from: would you consider donating even $5? And would you please share his GoFundMe page on your social channels? You never know who will see it and be touched to give! Today is Nathan’s birthday—what an incredible gift to tell him that YOU helped!

I appreciate every single one of you who is reading this. Thank you for helping this blog be a safe space for me to write to you, and a place where I can share my heart. I feel very undeserving of my brother’s love, but gosh I am so thankful for it.

Happy birthday, Nathan Wayne! I and we love you SO incredibly much. We pray you have lots of energy today and that above all, you know how LOVED and inspirational you are!

I'll Keep Climbing Anyway

The last few years I haven’t made resolutions as much as I have prayed about a WORD for the year. This year as I was browsing Pinterest, I came to a quote that had CLIMB at the top of it, and this as the text:

“You are exactly where you are meant to be right now. Do not compare your journey to anyone else’s; yours is a WILDLY different journey up an entirely different mountain. If you were meant to be higher up your mountain, you would be. There might be more you need to learn from this spot before you can keep climbing. There might be something you need to see HERE before you continue forward. Maybe you are simply meant to REST before the journey ahead. Regardless of where you are on your path, know that the rest of your story will unfold when it is time. Until then, enjoy your beautifully unique CLIMB.

-Walk the Earth

This quote spoke to me on such a real level. So much so, that I shared with my high school students and several asked me for a print out of it; I think the words are so raw and relatable to SO many. As a full time teacher and small business(es) owner, I tend to easily become fairly (very) overwhelmed and stressed. As an entrepreneur I am always striving for ways to bring in extra income, and for my side jobs to be successful. As the New Year approached, I thought about having ‘grow’ or ‘succeed’ be my words for the upcoming year…and then I realized that felt like WAY too much pressure. My husband thought that I really needed to pray on the notion of ‘rest…’ I am pretty constantly go, go, going in my mind and with my work. And while I do agree with that, I DO need to rest more and be able to shut off my work mode; I think that can apply to the above quote. “Maybe you are simply meant to rest before the journey ahead…” Instead of comparing my journey to others’ this year I am really going to strive to simply embrace the climb, and that goes for ALL areas of my life.

Speaking of the Climb and Life Lately…

You know we basically have a zoo: two dogs, three cats, two horses, and two kids…(do kids count?) Therefore, there will literally ALWAYS be something going on, good and bad. In the past few months, our Golden Retriever started having some urine issues. She is a dog who never had more than two accidents in all of her life, so it was pretty concerning…More than a handful of UTI laters, we decided to have her blood work checked, and God bless our veterinarian, (shout out to Dr. Matt Thompson) for sitting down with me (and calling my husband) to explain his thoughts and what the numbers showed. Ultimately we all concluded that an ultrasound was the safest route to go so that we could see the big picture. I knew before going into the appointment, we would SEE something. I just knew in my heart, maybe because I’m often a ‘worst case scenario’ girl, that there would be. As Elsa lay on her back, acting like an angel per usual, I prayed I would be able to handle the outcome. They looked at her spleen, bladder, kidneys, and then they got to the liver—I heard the word ‘mass’ and tears instantly quietly started to stream. I stroked Elsa’s face and told her over and over what a good and wonderful girl she is. When it was all said and done, Dr. Thompson and I went to the office and talked. He knows me so well that he came up with a plan, and I was fully confident in everything that he said. Our Chocolate Lab Humphrey was diagnosed last Valentine’s Day and I sobbed on the floor of the vet clinic. This year I sat silently, petting Elsa’s head, feeling as though for whatever reason, I needed to be strong for her. The tears will come. Lord help me, I know that they will come.

SO…
In a few weeks, we will do another ultrasound of Elsa’s liver. It could be benign (you know I doubt that…) or it will have grown, and possibly even spread. I am praying that I can handle all of this in stride. “There might be more you need to learn from this spot before you can keep climbing…” I’m not sure what I’m supposed to learn in this season, but I will continue to pray about it and trust that though the tears may be plentiful, the joy will also abound. Elsa isn’t gone yet. I will love her every single second of every single day; I plan on kissing her goodnight every night, and thanking her for being strong.

What does ‘climb’ mean to you? What journey are you currently embarking on? Are you in a season of rest and quiet right now…? Not really sure where 2020 will take you? Have you heard of Christian author Lara Casey? She wrote a new book titled Cultivate and I absolutely love what she wrote here:

…as I’ve observed my garden over the years, I have noticed something. In the seasons, we find balance. The seasons allow my garden to rest and grow at just the right time, and it’s the same with our lives. The seasons teach us how to do life well, revealing a life-giving rhythm; we flourish through intentional periods of STILLNESS, growth, hard work, AND REST. We need this rhythm in our days, in our weeks, and in our everything.”

Climbing can look different to all of us. But to me, it means trusting where my feet go. If some days my feet are absolutely still and firmly going nowhere, I can lift my arms and ask Him to carry me. I don’t need to skip steps because there truly is a process; God designed my climb with extreme wisdom and absolute care. Even though many days will undoubtedly be tough, I know that I NEED to trust His process.

Thirty Things to be Inspired By: Practicing Mindfulness

In 2016 I launched this blog and when I did, I had zero expectations. But the more traction the blog got, the more views, the more followers it led to on Instagram, the more I was inspired by it. I was inspired to create more and do more and make more and be more.

Recently while I was doing my early morning walk with my Golden Girls (our dogs), I looked around listened. It was pitch dark except for the glow of a full moon, and the neighborhood was completely still. I listened to my breaths and inhaled and exhaled deeply, paying close attention to the rhythm and release of tension. Life is more than a screen. It is more than numbers on Instagram; than likes, followers, engagement, and data. It is more than hustling, than always being busy. Life is so much more, and maybe you could use that reminder too. I’ve forgotten to be inspired by the things that matter. This is a simple little post reminding myself of some things I love so much:

-The first sip of coffee in the morning
-Quiet morning walks with my Golden Retrievers
-A purring cat sleeping on my chest
-Scented candles, specifically seasonal ones: pumpkin in Autumn, gingerbread in Winter, lemon and clean scents in Summer, and all things floral in Spring
-Fuzzy socks, all the sweatpants, and baggy sweatshirts (oh, and after work when the bra comes off) ;)
-Cuddling our puppy Emma, or really any and all Golden Retrievers
-Sleepytime Tea or Lavender blends
-The biggest and thickets blankets you can find
-Being held by my husband to fall asleep at night. He doesn’t like my cold feet but he takes one for the team and big spoons me anyway
-Currently binge watching: Veronica Mars
-Riding my horses through open fields being completely quiet; remembering how blessed I am to have the things that I used to pray the most for
-Journaling when I make that happen
-Reading a good book, when I can make that happen
-My kids’ laughter, their giant hugs, when they call me Mama
-Walking with my husband and the dogs
-Watching our kids ride their bikes and feeling my heart swell with SUCH pride
-Holidays: Christmas and Halloween are my current favorites with the kids
-Fall, and the beauty and crispness that makes it such a nostalgic season
-Our wood fireplace
-Warm chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies
-Peanut Butter Pie
-All things Italian
-Fancy cheeses and charcuterie boards (clearly I’m hungry….)
-Dreaming of our future, even though I have no clue what it looks like or entails
-2 story farmhouses, and how I won’t ever stop dreaming for one of my own
-Front porches, I miss ours
-Porch swings, I miss ours
-Hand written letters and cards
-Kind words
-Bedtime with my kids; tickling backs and listening to quiet lullaby music
-Praying with my kids
-Going on dates with my husband
-Printed photographs and reminiscing days gone by
-Taking photos of other people and helping families/individuals freeze memories
-Loving women and connecting with women around the world
-Friends who stay (the ones that pursue even in the busy seasons, the ones that love you in spite of everything they know about you)
-God, even if I can’t grasp just how big and good He truly is (Psalm 147:5 “Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure..”)

What about for you? What do you need to reflect on and remember that you love? Y ’all, the days are busy and they are also fleeting. I can be frustrated about many things, but I’m going to blink and wonder where the days went because I already do that—how were my kids ever babies, how are we where we are in life? There is so much goodness surrounding all of us, even amongst a lot of difficulties. I encourage you to take some time to write down or mentally reflect on the things that make you smile, of the reasons that you too, are blessed.

Happy new week, Friends. Send me a message if you want to connect, you always have a friend here!