What Motherhood is Teaching Me

Do you remember being little?

Do you remember wondering what your life would be when you grew up?

Did you ever think you’d be a mom? I can vaguely remember picturing that I would have a boy and a girl (ha!) and I LOVED the name Elizabeth, so I would say I wanted a daughter named that. (Ha again; we have a Reese EliSabeth!) But much beyond that, I don’t remember too much I suppose… I didn’t really know how to dream for my adulthood I don’t think, other than hoping horses were in my future.

There are SOME things I remember though about being a KID, and one is that I thought my mom had all the answers. And then I remember being annoyed and frustrated when she was ‘right’ or if she knew ‘too much.’ I can remember being angry with her (sorry, Mom) and having way too many hormonal emotions throughout the years; but I also remember always NEEDING her. I wanted her back tickles, no matter how old I got. I wanted her to listen, even if I’d get annoyed at times when she would weigh in. I wanted her approval, even though I didn’t. I wanted her appraisal, even when it looked more like tough love.

As we have come full circle, and I have that boy and girl God knew I would have…there are a lot of things that I am feeling. I feel as if the little years painfully went too quickly. I went from pregnant to delivering healthy, beautiful babies, to chasing toddlers, to now raising a seven and eight year old. Sometimes I forget that I used to be a child. I used to poo poo my mother. I used to brush her off. I used to roll my eyes and give her the side eye. I loved her so dearly, but I know there were moments I didn’t show it. (Sorry again, Mom).

My own kids are at interesting stages and seasons of life. I feel in a way as if my little boy has left me…he was a babbling toddler and such a chatter box, and I remember his tiny voice so clearly. Now he plays basketball around the clock and geeks out over Minecraft. He can be so QUIET. Quiet isn’t bad, but I feel how much less he needs me. He’s too big for me to hold and carry (I remember blog posts I wrote dreading that…..) and more times than not I can feel his annoyance. I see the heavy sighs and eye rolls when asked to clean his room or if I ask to walk the dogs. I often feel like the ‘annoying mom,’ and then I remember…I went through that too.

And I still need and love my mom.

He still wants me to lie with him every single night. He lifts his shirt so I can gently tickle his back and belly. He still loves ‘Magic Sleepy Glasses,’ and he still wraps his arms around me to give me sweet hugs. (No more kisses on the lips though…I’m sad to type that I think those days may be gone.) He’s still my little boy, my forever first baby, and I just PRAY—when he grows up, he will remember how very much I have always loved him.

My daughter too, loves me differently these days. PS: I know all of this is very normal. It’s part of ‘growing up,’ right? But I don’t know that I have sat to intentionally process it in a very long time. Reese is the extrovert; the chatter box, the girl who talks a mile a minute and will tell you any and every thing. For her, it’s a little different. She has always clung to me (sometimes too much) so I can still stay that 90% of the time, she just wants Mama. She wants time with me—to walk and talk and laugh and be silly. And I can see a lot of myself in her (as I can see SO much of Asa in Pierson’s disposition.) Reese is feisty and sassy and sometimes equally as salty as sweet. She can be the BEST at eye rolling, at moaning and groaning when asked to do something she may not want to do, and I sometimes wonder how in the world will I survive teenage years with this girl?!

So right now, in this phase and season of life, I am working harder to embrace when she does cling to me. When she asks, “Can we cuddle and watch Heartland?” or when she wants “one more minute” as I tuck her in. I remember teenage me quite well, and I was NOT an easy teen…

Becoming a mom has taught me so much about sacrifice. About selfless love. About doing your best, even when life is hard. About showing up for your kids, even when you are tired. About harnessing anger (especially when those eye rolls and fussiness comes) and biting my tongue. It has taught me that MY mom, did the best SHE could. She was tired (as all moms are), but that didn’t stop her from being selfless. She was sacrificial. She was patient. And even on little to no sleep, she’d crawl in bed with me to tickle my back and I remember always knowing when she was drifting off to sleep as her hand would slow and then completely stop mid-back. It’s exactly what happens with me and my kids. MANY nights, I am so tired, and mid back tickle I doze and fall asleep. (I wonder if my kids think the same thing I did those nights, “Noooo, just a little longer!” Ha!)

Being a mom, has given me a new love for my mom. I can see her better. I understand better. I can FEEL her emotions deeper. She taught me how to be a mother, and if my kids ever get married and have their own kids, I pray I am also teaching THEM to parent well.

Mother’s Day is a few days away. I know that not every woman WANTS to be a mom, and that is okay! I know that many women who want to be a mom, cannot be. I know that this weekend may be painful to so many women, so I also want to take the space to say remember ALL women, everywhere. Be kind. Be careful what you say. Love the women in your circles well. Check on them. Pray for them. And never, ever take the role of being Mom, if you are one, for granted.

How Do You Prepare for Goodbye?

In January our 12 year old Golden Retriever Elsa, went in for an ultrasound. Her numbers were funky in a recent blood draw and something was just off. Lo and behold, the doctors found a large mass inside of her liver…and my heart sank. I felt somewhat hopeful though, as we discussed ‘plans’ and she was put on a liver medication. Her spirits actually seemed to improve, and every day the past couple of months when I’ve came home, she has hopped up wagging her tail and bringing me a toy… We actually began to think that maybe the mass was benign, and we would find out that she was okay!

The past few weeks though, I began to notice how hard it was for her to get up from a laying position, or when using the bathroom outside… and then she even began to collapse and fall all the way down. It was getting hard, and I didn’t understand why. This past Sunday the weather finally turned nice, I’m talking 60 degrees with sunshine nice, and we all wanted to go for a hike. I was hesitant to bring her…she just seemed a little off to me and pretty weak. I knew she had an ultrasound recheck the next day (Monday, March 2nd) so that brought me some peace of mind; and when she hopped up from our bedroom floor and came to the laundry room (where her leash is) I could tell she wanted to go. She has always known when we are leaving and I am certain she even knows when we are leaving to do things that SHE may be allowed to do too. I smiled and her and said, “Okay, Elsa, let’s go for a hike.”

We arrived at Creasy Mahan Nature Preserve in Goshen, KY (20 minutes away) and boy was it beautiful. Woods and open fields surrounded us, and Elsa had SUCH a pep in her step upon leaving the car. She trotted down the flat trails, and even got super excited about a giant stick. When she spotted some water, that was game on for her, so I let her wade slowly in and sure enough, she happily laid down, as she always has in open bodies of water, looking so so happy and in her element.

We did a casual mile loop, nothing too strenuous or high impact, but I knew as the night went on that something was drastically wrong with Elsa. She slept for a good long while, which was to be expected, but whenever it was time for her to get up and go outside to potty…she just couldn’t do it. In a tizzy I texted my mom, as I always do when I need help or prayer.. and she prayed me through the night. When 6 o’clock this morning came around, she hadn’t budged from where she started her night’s sleep. I tried to get her up to go outside and she collapsed. I managed to somehow get her to the back deck, (in the pouring rain) and she collapsed again. This time, with her head hung low and panting profusely. I ran inside to wake Asa and my poor husband came sprinting out in his boxer shorts (in the pouring rain!) to carry her to the grass….

The vet appointment this afternoon came and went… Before going I texted Dr. Thompson a video of her on our bedroom floor with the words, “This isn’t good, Matt…” “She looks tired,” he replied. “Yes..she is,” I said. My husband and the kids were there with me at the appointment and we waited quietly for the doctor doing the ultrasound to tell us what she saw. Sure enough, her cancer has spread—spleen, lymph nodes, more in the liver, and most likely to the chest and lungs. Her breathing is so labored and she has quite a bit of fluid in her stomach/abdomen. She went from 0-100 health wise in less than 24 hours and I just cannot believe it.

It happened so fast.

My family, Elsa and I went into a room and tears streamed down my face as I listened to our vet. I knew before we got there that this was going to be “it” for her. I could see it in her eyes, succumbing to the cancer, to the fatigue we never even knew she had (that perhaps she also didn’t realize was there?) “24-48 hours max is what I would give this,” he quietly said. I of course had the option to say goodbye then and there, but he knew that’s not me. He told us his schedule and we agreed that we wanted him to come to the house Tuesday evening….for her to be at home, like her brother Humphrey was (almost exactly a year ago…..) When grief hits and I am supposed to mourn, I go into overdrive instead. I clean the house and focus on other things, almost like a machine not knowing how to program off. I know when he walks through our front door that I am going to lose it……………it will be then, that it hits me.

It’ll all come crashing down that I am losing MY best friend. The girl who has been by my side for twelve long (and too short) years. I chose her from a gigantic litter of Goldens and the whole way home, she rode on my lap in silence. She went everywhere with me… last minute trips to Michigan, 6 hours in the car, never making a peep. She’s been THE best trail dog, sprinting ahead and always coming back. She has swam in so many lakes, and rivers, and ponds…and that is how I will always remember her—skimming the water, gracefully, eloquently, so beautifully. She stayed by Humphrey’s side the entire time he was passing… she never budged, not even once; and she was never the cuddly type with him. She knew he was leaving her…and now I just pray she can feel us do the same (and that Emma will help HER.)

(Oh Lord, please help Emma. We’ve never had only ONE dog. She has felt our sadness today and our high emotions…I feel so bad for her and so thankful at the same time. She is our Healer, and I am praying she can remain strong during this incredibly difficult, almost impossible, time.)

I wish I had more of a positive post to write, but this is my reality. ‘Here we go again,’ is pretty much how I am feeling. It just doesn’t feel right that we lost our beloved Humphrey one year ago, and now we are losing his sister too. The only thing giving me an ounce of hope is the fact that I DO believe that all dogs DO go to Heaven, and that Humphrey will be the FIRST one greeting her at the gates. I am positive they will do warp mode together, running and sprinting and tumbling until they’re ready for a nap at our family’s future Heavenly home. I think it will have a large front porch, where Humphrey can sun bathe (his happy place) and there will be a crystal clear lake real close by for Elsa to swim in all day if she wants.

I may not feel ready, but Elsa girl I think you are. You have given us the MOST incredible and blessed twelve years with you…never once doing ANYTHING wrong. It is because of you that I will forever have a Golden Retriever, and I thank you for loving my second one… our Emma Rose. My how she loves and adores you too. Thank you for your patience, grace, gentle spirit, and love. All of these years…I have felt SO loved by YOU.

Update: Elsa passed on her own Tuesday morning March 3rd, some time between 6:30 and 7am. I had kissed her at 6:30 and noticed her breathing had slowed tremendously. I had a feeling it was time. Within a half hour, she was gone. I am thankful the Lord took her quietly and I didn’t have to make that decision for her. Our sweet, wonderful Elsa. I pray you felt how loved you are.

Below is a slideshow of recent pictures of our Elsa Girl…mostly from October through current. Thank you for being with us on this journey.

5 Habits to Ensure a Clean House

I will always be thankful for books that I read that whisper their quotes into my ears long after I have turned their pages. It’s been a while since I’ve read Of Mess and Moxie by Jen Hatmaker, however, this quote will always be one of my favorites. It is something that I live by and stand for, and I think it will probably resonate with many of you as well:

“Dear one, may I say something? It is not shallow or empty or frivolous to create a beautiful space to live in. It is not silly, not vainglorious, not a waste of time and energy. It doesn’t make you superficial nor slides you down the godly scale. We spend the majority of our hours in our homes with our people. Creating beauty and nurture under your roof with colors that soothe, art that inspires, furniture that invites, and textures that thrill is a wonderful use of your small space on the planet” (67).

I take a lot of pride in striving to keep our house clean. Some days we may find more clutter or pet hair than others (we do after all now have SIX pets living inside our humble abode…) However, there are some pretty basic steps that we do that guarantees pretty well for our house to be clean and put together. If you’re anything like me, you want something that you feel good about for your family, but you need something that works and won’t let you down. Do you agree?

Habit #1: Keeping an EMPTY Sink

I am ALL about products that take care of our essential needs, while doing the job they are designed to do…even and especially when it comes to dirty dishes. After every single meal, my family and I make sure that dishes are loaded INTO the dishwasher, and that they don’t simply pile up. Truthfully, my husband and I don’t even sit down for the night until this step has been made because doing so takes off stress and pressure in our busy mornings. With 1/3 bio based and other thoughtfully selected ingredients, New Cascade Pure Essentials is free of phosphates and chlorine but also FULL of power needed to get our dishes and silverware sparkling clean. I grew up in a household with a mom who always ran the dishwasher, regardless of how full it was. Every morning one of my chores was to empty the dishwasher and still to this day, it’s actually a task I kind of enjoy doing. Using a product such as Cascade makes this ‘chore’ even easier for us in the long run, because it cleans even baked-on foods and is tough on stuck-on messes. An added bonus, perfumes in the formula are infused with essential oils that offer a light citrus aroma (Lemon Essence and Orange Blossom). I really can’t stress enough how much we love using Cascade Pure Essentials. These are available at Target stores nationwide. Through March 30, save $1 off Cascade Pure Essentials (30 count or larger) using Cartwheel in the Target App here.

Habit #2: Having a Trusty Vacuum

“I know that Goldens shed…but do they shed a LOT?” I’m asked that question ALL the time, and my answer is always this: “Sure they shed a lot, but they’re more than worth it.” If I didn't have a trusty and reliable vacuum though, I may be swayed on that belief—however, we use a great cordless vacuum, and daily (or a couple times a day) we are able to pretty effortlessly clean our first floor with it. Yes, animals shed and kids track in dirt, but if you can get used to doing this in your daily grind, I really believe your stress will be lighter.

Habit #3: A Laundry Routine

What is your LEAST favorite adulting job…? Without a doubt, mine is laundry. Gone are the days of living at home, where your laundry was magically out of your hamper one day, then folded and ready to be put away the next. (Unless you’re MY kids…because that’s the story of their current life, ha ha). My husband and I try to do ONE load of laundry a day. And not just throwing it in the washer to let it sit and get covered with mildew…no, actually complete the laundry process: wash, dry, fold, put away. When the weekends come, we can breathe easier and we aren’t struggling with a multitude of laundry to contend with. This chore doesn’t come so effortlessly for me (or either of us), but when we follow through and make it happen, our life feels a LOT lighter.

Habit #4: Put It Away!

Every single night, our kids know they are supposed to pick up EVERYTHING off of their floors and put said things away in their proper places. And me, Mom, does this too in my own bedroom. Dirty socks, shirts, a random shoe, or whatever object that isn’t in its’ proper home—I put it away. This is another area in life that we don’t easily rest UNTIL the job is done? So we make sure to do it. A helpful idea is to set a timer for 20 minutes, and go crazy getting rid of/picking up clutter. I don’t know if you have kids or how old they are, but they need responsibilities. Ours are 5 and 6 years old, which is plenty old enough to carry up toys from the steps, and to make sure dirty or clean clothes are in their proper storage areas.

Habit #5: A Room a Day

Instead of trying to tackle our entire house (we have a two story house with an unfinished basement and with three bathrooms..) it makes more sense to clean one room in entirety, a day. I mean beyond the daily vacuuming and de-cluttering. Whichever room is scheduled for that day, clean it and clean it WELL. If it’s the bathroom, remove wastebaskets, scrub out the shower or bathtub, clean the sinks, wipe the mirror, and wash the floor with a cleaning solution. We have found that cleaning one room a day helps our weekends to be more restful, and often times, the kids ENJOY helping. Our daughter Reese LOVES to scrub toilets and to clean our basement steps. So vccc random and kind of funny, but she does a good job and at just five years old, she is learning what it means to create and KEEP a beautiful home.

I know this sounds like a lot. But honestly with the help of my husband and kids this is 30 minutes a day worth of habits that really have changed the way we keep a clean house! What are some must haves in your household for creating a clean space? What daily habits to you already use? What would you add to this list? I would love to hear your thoughts, please comment below and fill me in on all your hacks! :) Happy Cleaning, Friends!

Daughters & Dance

I'm experiencing all the Mom emotions over here as I sort through these images and work through what exactly brings me to tears and what is making me jump for joy with my 4-year old daughter starting ballet. She begins classes tomorrow and this is the most excited I've ever seen her. 

When we bought the black leotard, pink tights, and ballet shoes, it first brought me back to MY ballet classes. I don't remember them super well, but I can see myself running through the large studio, practicing simple plies, and the first [and only] recital I did. I don't recall why I didn't want to continue with classes, other than maybe I was more into horses and was trying a LOT of different sports at the time. Reese right now, has it made up in her mind that she will be a dancer and perform on stage, and hey, maybe she will! 

Before taking these photos, I opened Spotify and put in "ballet music." Reese immediately began to twirl and spin and attempt her own versions of plies and grand jetés. She was so serious and yet having so much FUN all in one. 

I feel so much pride in her, and as her mom, am so excited to see how this helps her grow and change. At the same time, I see a little girl who IS going to struggle with failure, difficulties, and perhaps even have her feelings hurt within the sport. I know, I know, she's FOUR. The other little girls in her class will be so sweet and having so much fun, but as a woman who participated in sports, starting at very young ages, it's hard to accept the hurt that eventually, my baby WILL walk through. 

If you ever did sports, do you remember the times you felt insecure? Not good enough? Ashamed? I started volleyball in the fourth grade, and it wasn't too many years later that my uniform was skin tight miniature spandex shorts. In high school, I was a tanning bed babe, obsessed with getting golden brown for those fluorescent gym lights, and I was always insecure about my thighs touching. So yes, I realize that Reese is four. But it won't be too much longer before she's fourteen, and I know that insecurities and feelings of doubt begin MUCH before then.

I took these photos of my beautiful baby girl dancing and LOVING being in her ballerina outfit because I wanted to remember this moment. This season of life she is in, where she doesn't know where insecurities are, what shame looks or feels like, and while she believes she IS beautiful because she is. 

I so hope that I can instill in her courage, bravery, and the strength to put aside negative feelings and hurtful people. My high school insecurities didn't last forever, but they were still there, and those years weren't exactly easy. Maybe Reese will experience them, maybe she won't, and maybe I need to also pray that I am strong enough to guide her regardless. 

Reese Elisabeth-Morgan, OH how I love you! What a magical season of life you are in right now. I cannot wait to watch you dance and make new friends. You are a light and a bundle of strength and laughter. If you want to dance throughout your years, I will be so elated to watch you. Smile, always, because Daughter, you are radiant and you are so loved. 

PS: Yes, I know her strings need to be cut on her ballet shoes. I'm totally going to let her teacher help me tighten them and fit them accordingly. Also, here's a photo of me in my dance years, or should I say YEAR. Thanks, Mom for sending it!