How Do You Prepare for Goodbye?

In January our 12 year old Golden Retriever Elsa, went in for an ultrasound. Her numbers were funky in a recent blood draw and something was just off. Lo and behold, the doctors found a large mass inside of her liver…and my heart sank. I felt somewhat hopeful though, as we discussed ‘plans’ and she was put on a liver medication. Her spirits actually seemed to improve, and every day the past couple of months when I’ve came home, she has hopped up wagging her tail and bringing me a toy… We actually began to think that maybe the mass was benign, and we would find out that she was okay!

The past few weeks though, I began to notice how hard it was for her to get up from a laying position, or when using the bathroom outside… and then she even began to collapse and fall all the way down. It was getting hard, and I didn’t understand why. This past Sunday the weather finally turned nice, I’m talking 60 degrees with sunshine nice, and we all wanted to go for a hike. I was hesitant to bring her…she just seemed a little off to me and pretty weak. I knew she had an ultrasound recheck the next day (Monday, March 2nd) so that brought me some peace of mind; and when she hopped up from our bedroom floor and came to the laundry room (where her leash is) I could tell she wanted to go. She has always known when we are leaving and I am certain she even knows when we are leaving to do things that SHE may be allowed to do too. I smiled and her and said, “Okay, Elsa, let’s go for a hike.”

We arrived at Creasy Mahan Nature Preserve in Goshen, KY (20 minutes away) and boy was it beautiful. Woods and open fields surrounded us, and Elsa had SUCH a pep in her step upon leaving the car. She trotted down the flat trails, and even got super excited about a giant stick. When she spotted some water, that was game on for her, so I let her wade slowly in and sure enough, she happily laid down, as she always has in open bodies of water, looking so so happy and in her element.

We did a casual mile loop, nothing too strenuous or high impact, but I knew as the night went on that something was drastically wrong with Elsa. She slept for a good long while, which was to be expected, but whenever it was time for her to get up and go outside to potty…she just couldn’t do it. In a tizzy I texted my mom, as I always do when I need help or prayer.. and she prayed me through the night. When 6 o’clock this morning came around, she hadn’t budged from where she started her night’s sleep. I tried to get her up to go outside and she collapsed. I managed to somehow get her to the back deck, (in the pouring rain) and she collapsed again. This time, with her head hung low and panting profusely. I ran inside to wake Asa and my poor husband came sprinting out in his boxer shorts (in the pouring rain!) to carry her to the grass….

The vet appointment this afternoon came and went… Before going I texted Dr. Thompson a video of her on our bedroom floor with the words, “This isn’t good, Matt…” “She looks tired,” he replied. “Yes..she is,” I said. My husband and the kids were there with me at the appointment and we waited quietly for the doctor doing the ultrasound to tell us what she saw. Sure enough, her cancer has spread—spleen, lymph nodes, more in the liver, and most likely to the chest and lungs. Her breathing is so labored and she has quite a bit of fluid in her stomach/abdomen. She went from 0-100 health wise in less than 24 hours and I just cannot believe it.

It happened so fast.

My family, Elsa and I went into a room and tears streamed down my face as I listened to our vet. I knew before we got there that this was going to be “it” for her. I could see it in her eyes, succumbing to the cancer, to the fatigue we never even knew she had (that perhaps she also didn’t realize was there?) “24-48 hours max is what I would give this,” he quietly said. I of course had the option to say goodbye then and there, but he knew that’s not me. He told us his schedule and we agreed that we wanted him to come to the house Tuesday evening….for her to be at home, like her brother Humphrey was (almost exactly a year ago…..) When grief hits and I am supposed to mourn, I go into overdrive instead. I clean the house and focus on other things, almost like a machine not knowing how to program off. I know when he walks through our front door that I am going to lose it……………it will be then, that it hits me.

It’ll all come crashing down that I am losing MY best friend. The girl who has been by my side for twelve long (and too short) years. I chose her from a gigantic litter of Goldens and the whole way home, she rode on my lap in silence. She went everywhere with me… last minute trips to Michigan, 6 hours in the car, never making a peep. She’s been THE best trail dog, sprinting ahead and always coming back. She has swam in so many lakes, and rivers, and ponds…and that is how I will always remember her—skimming the water, gracefully, eloquently, so beautifully. She stayed by Humphrey’s side the entire time he was passing… she never budged, not even once; and she was never the cuddly type with him. She knew he was leaving her…and now I just pray she can feel us do the same (and that Emma will help HER.)

(Oh Lord, please help Emma. We’ve never had only ONE dog. She has felt our sadness today and our high emotions…I feel so bad for her and so thankful at the same time. She is our Healer, and I am praying she can remain strong during this incredibly difficult, almost impossible, time.)

I wish I had more of a positive post to write, but this is my reality. ‘Here we go again,’ is pretty much how I am feeling. It just doesn’t feel right that we lost our beloved Humphrey one year ago, and now we are losing his sister too. The only thing giving me an ounce of hope is the fact that I DO believe that all dogs DO go to Heaven, and that Humphrey will be the FIRST one greeting her at the gates. I am positive they will do warp mode together, running and sprinting and tumbling until they’re ready for a nap at our family’s future Heavenly home. I think it will have a large front porch, where Humphrey can sun bathe (his happy place) and there will be a crystal clear lake real close by for Elsa to swim in all day if she wants.

I may not feel ready, but Elsa girl I think you are. You have given us the MOST incredible and blessed twelve years with you…never once doing ANYTHING wrong. It is because of you that I will forever have a Golden Retriever, and I thank you for loving my second one… our Emma Rose. My how she loves and adores you too. Thank you for your patience, grace, gentle spirit, and love. All of these years…I have felt SO loved by YOU.

Update: Elsa passed on her own Tuesday morning March 3rd, some time between 6:30 and 7am. I had kissed her at 6:30 and noticed her breathing had slowed tremendously. I had a feeling it was time. Within a half hour, she was gone. I am thankful the Lord took her quietly and I didn’t have to make that decision for her. Our sweet, wonderful Elsa. I pray you felt how loved you are.

Below is a slideshow of recent pictures of our Elsa Girl…mostly from October through current. Thank you for being with us on this journey.

I'll Keep Climbing Anyway

The last few years I haven’t made resolutions as much as I have prayed about a WORD for the year. This year as I was browsing Pinterest, I came to a quote that had CLIMB at the top of it, and this as the text:

“You are exactly where you are meant to be right now. Do not compare your journey to anyone else’s; yours is a WILDLY different journey up an entirely different mountain. If you were meant to be higher up your mountain, you would be. There might be more you need to learn from this spot before you can keep climbing. There might be something you need to see HERE before you continue forward. Maybe you are simply meant to REST before the journey ahead. Regardless of where you are on your path, know that the rest of your story will unfold when it is time. Until then, enjoy your beautifully unique CLIMB.

-Walk the Earth

This quote spoke to me on such a real level. So much so, that I shared with my high school students and several asked me for a print out of it; I think the words are so raw and relatable to SO many. As a full time teacher and small business(es) owner, I tend to easily become fairly (very) overwhelmed and stressed. As an entrepreneur I am always striving for ways to bring in extra income, and for my side jobs to be successful. As the New Year approached, I thought about having ‘grow’ or ‘succeed’ be my words for the upcoming year…and then I realized that felt like WAY too much pressure. My husband thought that I really needed to pray on the notion of ‘rest…’ I am pretty constantly go, go, going in my mind and with my work. And while I do agree with that, I DO need to rest more and be able to shut off my work mode; I think that can apply to the above quote. “Maybe you are simply meant to rest before the journey ahead…” Instead of comparing my journey to others’ this year I am really going to strive to simply embrace the climb, and that goes for ALL areas of my life.

Speaking of the Climb and Life Lately…

You know we basically have a zoo: two dogs, three cats, two horses, and two kids…(do kids count?) Therefore, there will literally ALWAYS be something going on, good and bad. In the past few months, our Golden Retriever started having some urine issues. She is a dog who never had more than two accidents in all of her life, so it was pretty concerning…More than a handful of UTI laters, we decided to have her blood work checked, and God bless our veterinarian, (shout out to Dr. Matt Thompson) for sitting down with me (and calling my husband) to explain his thoughts and what the numbers showed. Ultimately we all concluded that an ultrasound was the safest route to go so that we could see the big picture. I knew before going into the appointment, we would SEE something. I just knew in my heart, maybe because I’m often a ‘worst case scenario’ girl, that there would be. As Elsa lay on her back, acting like an angel per usual, I prayed I would be able to handle the outcome. They looked at her spleen, bladder, kidneys, and then they got to the liver—I heard the word ‘mass’ and tears instantly quietly started to stream. I stroked Elsa’s face and told her over and over what a good and wonderful girl she is. When it was all said and done, Dr. Thompson and I went to the office and talked. He knows me so well that he came up with a plan, and I was fully confident in everything that he said. Our Chocolate Lab Humphrey was diagnosed last Valentine’s Day and I sobbed on the floor of the vet clinic. This year I sat silently, petting Elsa’s head, feeling as though for whatever reason, I needed to be strong for her. The tears will come. Lord help me, I know that they will come.

SO…
In a few weeks, we will do another ultrasound of Elsa’s liver. It could be benign (you know I doubt that…) or it will have grown, and possibly even spread. I am praying that I can handle all of this in stride. “There might be more you need to learn from this spot before you can keep climbing…” I’m not sure what I’m supposed to learn in this season, but I will continue to pray about it and trust that though the tears may be plentiful, the joy will also abound. Elsa isn’t gone yet. I will love her every single second of every single day; I plan on kissing her goodnight every night, and thanking her for being strong.

What does ‘climb’ mean to you? What journey are you currently embarking on? Are you in a season of rest and quiet right now…? Not really sure where 2020 will take you? Have you heard of Christian author Lara Casey? She wrote a new book titled Cultivate and I absolutely love what she wrote here:

…as I’ve observed my garden over the years, I have noticed something. In the seasons, we find balance. The seasons allow my garden to rest and grow at just the right time, and it’s the same with our lives. The seasons teach us how to do life well, revealing a life-giving rhythm; we flourish through intentional periods of STILLNESS, growth, hard work, AND REST. We need this rhythm in our days, in our weeks, and in our everything.”

Climbing can look different to all of us. But to me, it means trusting where my feet go. If some days my feet are absolutely still and firmly going nowhere, I can lift my arms and ask Him to carry me. I don’t need to skip steps because there truly is a process; God designed my climb with extreme wisdom and absolute care. Even though many days will undoubtedly be tough, I know that I NEED to trust His process.

Welcome to the Family, Emma Rose

A long, long, long time ago, before human children were ever in the picture, Asa and I used to talk about maybe ‘when’ Humphrey or Elsa got 'old’ we would get a puppy to introduce him or her to them, so they could show it the ropes. The truth is though, for so long we never felt as if they were getting old, or that anything in life was ever going to really change. Flash forward a lot of years, to full time jobs, two kids, three cats, and two horses, and it stopped crossing our mind that we ever had thought about another dog.

Humphrey and Elsa have been our best friends for eleven and twelve years. When he (Humphrey) was diagnosed with a large tumor/cancer on Valentine’s Day, our world was shattered. All of a sudden it became a reality that 1. our dogs ARE old 2. they won’t be around forever.

Almost two weeks after his diagnosis, I was introduced to an amazing couple, Julie and Terry, who happen to be serious hobby breeders in Chuckey, Tennessee. Their daughter and I have been ‘Instagram Friends’ for more than five years (if I had to guess), so we have that mutual connection which is pretty cool. I’ve always thought God works in mysterious ways [so many things and pets in our life are proof of that], so when we learned about this couple who had a litter of cream colored Golden Retrievers, it just kept pressing on our heart that this was the time to say ‘yes.’ I did go back and forth several times, wondering if it made sense, but at the end of the day we decided we would more than likely be a two dog family for a very long time, and while we cannot predict Humphrey’s time left on earth, we know it will not be a lot (or nearly enough) longer. We wanted to bring home another family member, have him or her meet Humphrey and learn to love him, and we ultimately decided that this could be a good way to help our kids (and us) cope maybe even a fraction of a bit better…

Enter Emma.

I spoke with Julie on the phone a couple of nights before making the trip. We spoke almost an hour and got to know one another a little better. She demonstrated a lot of patience and grace as I asked her as silly question as, “Do you know how these puppies travel?” Our Humphrey whimpers and barks anytime he gets into the car and will rarely stop the entire trip, no matter how long—so ideally, I was looking for a dog who exhibited more calm during transport. As we live in Louisville, the ride to their property is 4.5 hours; we made a fun family trip of it and stayed one night in a hotel, where the kids were thrilled to swim in a pool. We knew they had three puppies left from the litter of six we were choosing from: two girls and one boy. My heart pulled for a girl as soon as we knew this was an official go, probably because my childhood dogs were female and Elsa, my 11 year old Golden Girl. Pierson, our son, on the other hand, had it made in his mind that we would get the boy, because Humphrey is a boy. We arrived in Tennessee, and were greeted with friendly barks from the adult Goldens in their nice run-in. The first thing we noticed was how magnificent they ALL were; seriously just utter beauty! Terry and Julie welcomed us into their home and I immediately felt at peace. They gave us coffee and soon brought out the puppies! Have you ever been in the midst of small, fluffy Goldens before?! It brought me back to when I sat on the floor of Elsa’s brothers and sisters (she was 1 of 14!!!) and I thought, “How did I ever choose back then!?” And trust me, I chose SO RIGHT with Elsa because she is the sweetest, quietest, easiest and friendliest girl. Here I was, eleven years later, getting to do it all over again!

Asa was drawn to the male right off the bat. ‘Mr. Brown’ was his collar name, and he was bigger than the girls. Sam, their dad, is very stately and striking!! (These photos below are from Terry, taken of magnificent Sam!)

We held all of them and took turns passing them around, kissing their fluffy heads and watching our children’s reactions. I just couldn’t help but to fall very quickly in love with ‘Miss Red.’ Her eyes reminded me SO much of our Elsa’s, and the way she just flopped in my lap and let me love on her as if she was a little rag doll…my heart was drawn to her immediately. Their mama, Ellie, is what Julie describes as a lamb: completely gentle in spirit and so so calm. We met her and she truly IS all of that. She was so personable and quiet, gentle as she greeted us. We were completely smitten with each of her parents!

Asa kept telling me, “It’s up to you 100%. I really am great with whichever puppy you choose.” We paused for a little while to eat lunch, and to mingle with two of Terry and Julie’s daughters (they are THE sweetest and coolest family, Y’all—truly!!) The kids were starting to get a little impatient and asked, “Mom! Which one do you think we should get?!” Asa and I got the chance to be with the three puppies, all by ourselves, and it was then that I knew. I grabbed Miss Red and put her in my lap, kissed the top of her head and said, “Oh I love you.” I set her down and picked up Mr. Brown, kissing him as well and I paused, “I know I CAN love you,” I told him. Isn’t that crazy how our hearts can make decisions?! There was absolutely nothing WRONG with Mr. Brown OR their sister Miss Maroon, all three puppies were adorable, friendly, and calm as can be. Needless to say…Miss Red it was, and our kids were just so thrilled to be getting their first ever very own PUPPY.

I want to take just a moment to come back to Terry and Julie. This is a couple who has raised eight talented and Christ loving children. The second I was in their presence, I knew that this was a God thing. Calm, gentle, gracious, patient, loving, and trustworthy are just a few characteristics that come to mind when I think about BOTH of them. They have taken time to answer any and all of my questions, were SO patient as we tried to figure out which pup to choose, and they loved on our children/created such a welcoming environment.

Emma is now nine weeks old as I write this. She just played with a puppy pal for almost two hours, and she is now happily snoozing in her crate beside me in our bedroom. The entire drive home, she was silent. She was passed back and forth between our two excited children, and then we even made a pitstop at Petsmart, where she was also quiet as a mouse. She is a girl who loves to snuggle, and when picked up, she nestles deep into the crook of your neck. She willingly will be flopped on her back to have her belly rubbed, and everyone who meets her asks, “Is she always this docile?”

Our dogs did shockingly well with her the second she walked in our door with us, and while they don’t run and romp with her like they would have done in their younger years…they have accepted her. Today Humphrey chewed on a bone and Emma sat beside him, licking the top of his head. I can see it in her face, she looks up to them, and I could never have fathomed THIS sweetness being part of our story. I’ve been told, “You’re crazy, Girl,” on more than one occasion for owning the zoo of pets that I do, however, I know that this time is fleeting. Our Humphrey is twelve, Elsa is eleven. They are at the top of their life expectancies and every single day that I get left with them, I am praising their Creator FOR those moments and memories. Emma will never replace either of them, but I do believe she is now part of their legacy, and that even SHE feels blessed to know and be loved by them.

I have always been partial to Golden Retrievers, blame it on Full House ;) And while I never really imagined that we would own another so soon, I am SO thankful that we do. Emma is smart, loving, and I know she is going to be a wonderful dog. We hope to get her going as a therapy dog, which would be cool because quite a few of Terry and Julie’s dogs from Cold Spring Mountain Retrievers are service dogs in many ways! I want to share a little bit about their Kennel with you, so here ya go:

Our family loved the Lord of the ring series.  Two of our favorite characters were Samwise Gamgee and Rosie, his girlfriend, in this series. We did our research and purchased great bloodlines, to start our breeding program in 2013. We decided to name the first two dogs Sam and Rosie. Since then we have added more dogs to our program and most of them live in Guardian homes.  We have found great families who have the dogs in their care.  This is a wonderful arrangement for the family and the dogs.  The family gets a great dog, at no cost, and the dog gets to live in a home with a wonderful family. We simply use the dog for breeding and eventually when retired, the dog stays with the family. Our goal has always been and continues to be to place happy healthy puppies in wonderful homes. Over the years we have placed many puppies in homes and we are thankful to have many referrals.  Often our puppies are sold before they are born. Some of our dogs are trained service dogs but most of them are family pets. Our service to families is for the life of their new best friend.

That photo is from Terry, who is a pretty talented photographer, and yep, you better believe that view is just out their back door! Many of their customers make a mini vacation to pick up their puppy, which obviously I HIGHLY recommend! You could hit the Smokies and scenic North Carolina and the Blue Ridge Mountains! If you are EVER looking for a Golden Retriever puppy, I sincerely want you to first remember Cold Spring Mountain Retrievers. Heck…even if you AREN’T looking for a puppy, because let’s face it, you don’t necessarily have to be searching in order for it to be right.