Mommy Put Me Down

"Mommy put me down!!!" are the four words we hear in our household every.single.night. 

Our two and three year old have gotten accustomed to asking for me, each and every night. "I want MOMMY!" Reese will say. "It's Daddy's turn, Reesie," I gently respond. Her arms shoot up, giant tears well in her eyes as she reaches for me. Sometimes it's a little more smooth sailing and she is okay to give me a giant kiss with some crocodile tears. But lately, no.

Why? Is it because I am a really fun Mom and they think I just put them down better? Nope. Dad is the giant toy here. It is with him they crack up laughing as they Hulk smash each other, as soon as he walks in the door. It is Dad who makes us smile and helps us get out of our afternoon funks. Is it because I am super patient and selfless? I'm sorry to admit that it would be for this reason even less...I think I was a semi patient kid, but it started dwindling in my adolescent years and by the time I was an adult, it's like something snapped. Noise, chaos, incessant tapping, whistling...oh boy. I better stop admitting all this. But toddlers fighting? Shoving each other? Demanding which toys are whose and stomping their feet through it all? What patience? Another high five for Dad on this front. And if there is anything motherhood has taught me, it is how quickly I crave selfishness. I don't remember what it's like to pee alone. When I come home from work, my husband still has another two before he joins us. I get the kids a snack, a drink and I allow for a few minutes of TV or i-Pads so that I can change clothes and clean up. It takes all of three minutes for me to do this and the entire time I literally pray, "Please don't kill each other." Some days I can count down-- "5, 4, 3, 2...."

"MOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!" Pierson screams at an ungodly pitch. Reese screams back. Something knocks over. Feet scuffling on the hardwood floors. Silence. "Oh, CRAP, one of them is dead."

So it's not my selflessness they're attracted to. But it never fails. This phase of life is all about Mommy. Mommy put me down for nap, bedtime; Mommy to hold me when I'm upset, Mommy I run to for tattling. That doesn't mean they each get me every night. My husband and I are great about taking turns and Pierson may soon be on the verge of being completely okay with this. When I put down Reese, he does Pierson, and vice versa. But there's still the asking, on repeat. Usually before dinner starts, a few times during the meal, in the bath, and then the battle begins. All day long I've spent seven hours pouring into other children- attempting to teach them all the core subjects in school as well as how to love and respect one another. I get a mere four hours with my own and I will be 100% honest; when I walk in the door, my heart is often heavy, my feet are tired, my bra comes off and the last thing I feel prepared for is motherhood. But this hat comes first: Mommy. I may be exhausted, my brain might be a little (okay, a lot) frazzled, and some nights I have actually cringed at the high pitch cries of "Mommy put me down!"

But it's all becoming so real- the fact that they won't be toddlers forever. I know they will be able to do their bedtime routines themselves and after they do, they will be perfectly okay with a simple hug and kiss for the night. Their little bodies won't fit so perfectly nestled against mine, Reese won't beg for me to rock her a little longer, and Pierson won't need me to sit in his chair to sing "just ONE more song."

Most days I don't feel worthy. I'm insecure and I often doubt who I am, what I was created for. But then I hear their voice and Mommy Put Me Down assures me that I am doing the right thing.

SNICKERS© Bite Cookies

Moment of truth: I love food but sweets are generally not something I crave. HOWEVER, last year I made it a goal to bake a new pie each month, inspired by my amazingly talented Grandma. It was actually a huge success and it taught me a few things about myself:

1. that I am a huge procrastinator-often I remembered the last week of the month (or the last DAY) and frantically had to plan my ingredients.

2. baking for me is kind of like free therapy-our kitchen isn't gigantic, there's hardly any natural light and if any of the four humans in our house enter it, I find myself tripping, a lot... but it has all that I need to get the job done. Something about following a recipe and measuring out quantities, planning as I go how I want to style the finished product for a pretty photo; it's comforting.

3. i'm actually pretty good at it- I said that I'm not a huge sweets person and truth be told, neither is my family. Sure my kids will ask for some candy when we have it, but more pies last year were wasted then I care to admit. My kids weren't huge fans, and they're at that stage where if a food looks different, they would rather take one bite (out of obedience) and skip the rest. I am of course grateful that they don't crave junk, but I am hoping to find a recipe that they crave someday soon. (I drool at the thought of my mom's m&m brownies, her molasses cookies, chocolate peanut butter balls, and blueberry pies. Whenever I think of them, my mind instantly goes back to sweet elementary school memories where I shared these goodies with my friends!)

So here we are, 2016. I promise my goals go beyond baking, but I'll save that for another post. So TA DAAAAA! One new cookie recipe a month is what I will be documenting this year (#ashleysyearofpies on Instagram if you care to follow along!) I had some packaged Snickers© Bites in my pantry and decided my first cookie recipe would be just this.

Ingredients:
1 cup (2 sticks) salted butter (and I had mine at room temperature)
2/3 cup light brown sugar
2/3 cup granulated sugar
1 egg
1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract (I had to use off brand/generic vanilla flavoring and the cookies still turned out delicious, so I can't even imagine the flavor when REAL extract can be used!)
2 cups all purpose flour
1 1/4 tsp baking soda
a pinch of salt
1 bag of Snickers© Bites

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees (I followed this step later in the process, instead of turning it on only to wait for the cookie dough to chill).
In a large bowl, cream the butter and both sugars until well blended. Add the extract and egg slowly to combine.
In a separate bowl, mix the flour, baking soda and salt together. Slowly add the butter mixture and stir until combined. Chill the dough for 1 hour (confession: I actually chilled it for 45 minutes because I was getting too impatient).
Drop dough by rounded tablespoons onto a lightly greased tray, about 2 inches apart
Bake for 8-10 minutes for chewy cookies or 12-14 for crispy (I took mine out after 7 minutes and let them finish cooking on the hot tray)
*You can either press the Bites into the cookies before loading them into the oven, or you can put it on when they come out--I actually did half and half just to see if I had a preference. I didn't, both ways are delicious :) 

Both of my kids yelled, "COOKIES!" when they heard the oven timer go off. I was all excited thinking they would actually love one of their Mama's desserts but guess what they did....they just ate the SNICKERS© bites OFF of the cookies and set the actual cookie to the side. And then said, "More?? More cookies?" Ummmm.... guess we'll try again?! I will say that my husband grabbed one with a fresh cup of coffee and reassured that they are indeed delish.
 

Bittersweet Trail of Motherhood

Reese is wearing Cruz & Q's 'Oh Happy Day' long sleeve tee. 

The house is dark and quiet, my desk lamp is the only subtle glow and the only sounds audible are the heater blowing and my fat, black cat purring beside me as I type. To my left is the kids' play place. Reese's new play bassinet and high chair that she got for Christmas. Her new Bitty Baby 'Lizzie' is lying next to her as she now sleeps. Pierson's giant Batman Lego toy and remote control race cars, his Avenger toys scattered around.

Asa and I are both school teachers full time; Monday through Friday is spent loving other parents' children. Seven hours away from home, for myself, teaching eight boys how to respect and trust the world around them. There are all the main subjects of course; language arts, social studies, science and math. But I stand firm on my theory that if they don't know to love each other and treat each other with kindness, how to exist and thrive inside our school walls, then what will life look outside of them? During the work week, we are with other kids more than we are with our own. On an average work day I get to spend 4-4.5 hours with Pierson and Reese, total. I don't see them before I get to school and they go to bed at 7:30 or 8pm every night. Structure and routine has been very vital to managing a healthy, happy family so don't get me wrong, I love that part. But I miss my kids. 

To anyone that asks me about being a teacher, I happily tell them it is the very best career I could image as a mother. I get paid holidays, winter breaks, summer break and don't forget those awesome and unexpected snow days. My kids aren't yet in school, thank God, but I imagine when they are I would love the career even more. I would have the same exact schedule as they will! The thing is, the more time I get with my children, the more I want. At two and three, their imaginations are exploding with crazy, cool new thoughts and questions. Their vocabulary is increasing and they say the funniest things. For instance Pierson's comment when he wanted to shower with me:

"Reese, you want to shower with Mom too?"

"Nope!"

"Okay, Reese, no shower for you then. YOUR LOSS."

[When did he start saying YOUR LOSS?] I couldn't stop laughing. And her new thing is, "I think so!" when you ask her a question or she finishes talking about any topic. Tonight before bed we played quietly in her room where she has a toy kitchen (also a Christmas present). She made Asa and I cookies and hot chocolate and ABC's (spaghettios) and came over to kiss us in between. Pierson wanted to play a few minutes in his room with Avenger action figures so I set a timer, like we always do. When it went off, he said, "Okay, Mom. Time to get in bed." He picked a book, grabbed his cup of water, the tape player we listen to Lullabies on, and crawled under the covers. All of it was sweet. Just absolutely, positively, mom tears flowing, sweet. We go back to work after tomorrow. I'm excited to see my students and my awesome co-workers... And now is the time of year where we look forward to those said snow snows. Spring break will be here before we know it and then soon after, summer. 

But tonight as I sit, trying to get comfortable under the fat cat who has moved himself to my lap, I feel many mixed emotions. I feel excitement for my kids' growing minds. For the fact that they are healthy and so happy, that they are obedient and learning to love Jesus. But with the excitement, I can't help but feel there is a part of my heart that keeps chipping. Someone else will create new memories with them five days a week. Someone else will make them lunch, sing them songs and put them down for naps. That someone won't be me, and therefore I will continue to play these memories on repeat, of the two weeks around the clock that we had together. I will hug them even tighter tomorrow and I will pray for the strength and dignity to walk this bittersweet trail of Motherhood.

Hello, 2016

Another New Years Eve, another year leaving us behind. While it is exciting, it is also extremely bittersweet. My toddlers are growing older, I'M growing older, and well, I can 100% now relate to the quote, "The days are long but the years are fleeting." Pierson is three and Reese is two. As trying as they are, I would bottle up their toddlerhood if I could. I've seen those mini-me dolls, like legit dolls, that are 3D versions of people. I joke, but I sincerely want one of each kid. Don't judge, I read about them in our classroom Scholastic magazines and soon as we finished, I exclaimed with excitement to my fourth and fifth graders that this HAD to happen for my kids. They thought I was crazy and yeah... I suppose I am. But toddlerhood, as exhausting and frazzling as it is, is the sweetest stage I'm convinced (yet) that I'll ever get to experience as a Mom. I know kindergarten is going to be pretty dang mind blowing (and terrifying), entering middle school, the sports they'll play or clubs they'll join. Drivers licenses and high school graduations, but good gravy, two and three is magical.  

Some of our re-caps:
2015 was pretty free of drama. I made some huge mistakes and had what I call my 'mid-quarter crisis' in 2014. That wasn't my best year, at ALL. So this year was a road of recovery, fresh air and rekindling our marriage. We went to North Carolina in July and that was pretty frickin sweet. A few days in the mountains, with some really great friends, experiencing a sense of freshness that we hadn't yet ever grasped.
Pierson had a hernia repair and hydrocele surgery in March. Seeing him in a hospital gown and getting drugged with laughy-gas had me in an internal puddle of hysteria BUT, he was the strong and brave boy that we knew he was. It went so well and after his nap back at home, he was back to his energetic, hilarious self. Praise GOD for that and as amazing as he was, I really pray that's the worst of his medical experiences (though who am I kidding... he's all boy!) 
We listed our house for sale in May and then had it taken off the market within 3 weeks. YUP! It was a complete whirlwind. And getting two kids, two cats, two dogs OUT of the house while it was being shown was well... our own little slice of hell. Within 5 days someone made an offer and when they did, I sobbed my eyes out hysterically. I should have known THEN that I wasn't ready to leave this place. We had several more offers come in but the biggest challenge was that there was no place to move INTO. NOTHING on the market was appealing to us. Believe it or not, there wasn't a decent sized home on 2-3 acres within city limits within our budget!? Ha ha! I mean, I only want an old barn, one that can house 2 or 3 or 6 horses, a barn full of cats, that has a heated office where I can sleep, and a functioning tack room. I'm kidding. (I'm not. But this is the dream). So we will re-assess this coming spring. Ideally yes, I do want a couple of acres, with a barn, and maybe even an old run down house that we can renovate over time. Does that exist here? NO IDEA! And that will be the exciting part of 2016 for me; where will God take us?   

I'm not the type to make resolutions with the start of a New Year, but through reading my Grandma's journals, I was inspired to bake one new pie a month. "Baked another blueberry pie today," it reads. Or, "Baked FOUR pies today. Put 2 in the freezer, ate one, and gave one to Beth for the kids. Hope I can get at least four in the freezer. They're so nice to have ready in case of unexpected company." She was amazing. She left a far greater legacy than 'just' pies, but this something quirky I always loved. SO, I actually followed through and accomplished meeting my 2015 New Years Resolution--the first resolution I've EVER been able to keep :) 

I love what Bob Goff says in his book Love Does: "Every day God invites us on the same kind of adventure. It's not a trip where He sends us on a rigid itinerary, He simply invites us. God asks what it is He's made us to love, what it is that captures our attention, what feeds that deep indescribable need of our souls to experience the richness of the world He made. And then, leaning over, He whispers, 'Let's go do THAT together" (130). Can I get an a- to-the-freeking- men?! What feeds your soul? For me, it's opening the back door and hearing the trees, seeing some land stretch before my eyes. I want to hear a whinny in the background, for my children to sit bareback on their very own pony while I lead them around a pasture. I want a blanket in an open field, my journal beside me and a pen in my fingers. That is a dream that lies deep within my heart; something that has been a part of me since my earliest memories. But God called me to Louisville, where I graduated college in four years, have worked some really cool jobs, made my home in one of the worst zip codes in the nation, and it is here too that I feel at home. The neighbor boys come to our porch for homework help, they used to climb our fence (before installing a privacy one, oops) and walking around the park saying hello to the people in this community gives my heart an extreme sense of happiness. Home is here; for now. It is here we are raising our babies; laughing, crying, praying and singing- and I owe it all completely to HIM. Here are some sweet images we captured today, on the very last day of 2015. Here's to a New Year. One to launching this blog, writing more, baking more, and embracing whatever our Creator graciously blesses us with.