When You Doubt Yourself, Read This

One of those days I guess. Where my mind spins and I think 150 different and unique thoughts, most of them not really connected or intertwined with one another…if you’ve had a day like that, and you can maybe relate, read on, friend. You may want a cup of tea or coffee though, because it’s been a minute since I’ve written like this and it may be a while…

The summer is winding down. Well, not the heat, but the days until school is back in session. Trust me, its been over 100-degrees heat index wise for days and there’s not really an end in sight with that. But I can feel the end of our season drawing near.

I find myself wondering,

“Have I done enough?” “Were my kids happy?” “Will they remember this summer as a memorable one?” “Was I patient enough?” “Loving enough?” “Silly enough?” “Bold enough?”

Was I enough?

And then I shifted to wondering about former students. A giant chapter of my life is coming to a close, or has closed rather I suppose, as I accepted a brand new job in my teaching position for the coming school year. I worked with psychiatric and troubled youth for TEN years…it feels like so long, yet not long enough. Every year it never failed that I had repeat students. Sometimes I had them in their elementary years when I taught K-5th grades, and then they would come back to me as middle or high schoolers. Those were the really tough ones emotionally for me…

One in particular, a boy, I had in both fourth and fifth grade. I remember how much he made me LAUGH and how he helped around the classroom. He was so bright and really intelligent academically. Socially too—witty, charming, just an all around great kid. Flash forward to him entering the halls and bumping into me as a then 8th grader. I exclaimed his name with a giant smile and bear hugged him. [Bear hugs are frowned upon I guess in the teaching world, especially in a psychiatric facility, boundaries ya know?] But when you have my [then] job and a familiar face shows back up, one who made YOUR days brighter and happier, you kind of sigh a sigh of relief knowing (or hoping) that student will be similar even though he’s older now.

He remembered my name and smiled and I was bummed he wouldn’t be in my classroom because I didn’t teach middle school, I had been teaching high school the past three years. Then he showed up on my roster and BAM, there he was, at my doorway, in a class with high schoolers, and I shook my head in disbelief. Where I worked made changes, OFTEN. You HAD to go with the flow, practice extreme flexibility, and be able to just roll with the punches. So the whole last half of the school year I DID teach middle school, AND high school. And it was fine and I loved it and I maintained great classroom management and behavior…and yet I left wondering…

Did I do enough?

I watched that child go through a Richter scale of emotions. I watched him find hope and comfort, and I watched his talents SOAR. Then I watched as his world fell apart. The goofy, class clown boy I knew and loved did a 180 and began to doubt the whole world around him. Several nights I found myself crying, wishing and praying that I could do MORE. I wanted to be able to scoop him up [okay yes, he’s bigger than me now, that wouldn’t be possible AND it would be weird], but I wanted to be able to show him normalcy and kindness and take him to basketball games and show him how a loving family COULD be. How a family COULD protect and love and walk WITH him through the hardships. He was able to leave, I said my goodbyes, told him about my new job, and I prayed to God I would maybe see him on the outside one day.

Did I do enough?

That’s one of the reasons I decided to take a leap and part ways with that job placement. It was so hard to be able to foster impacting relationships with kids. Once they left the program, that was it. And I get it—that’s the job and I knew that. My heart has been longing for more, to be able to build relationships not strictly within the classroom, but out as well. With students’ families and their communities, to be able to walk with them longer than a few days or weeks, or in that students’s case, months…

See? There’s my brain tonight. I typically feel like I want to save the world: kids’ lives, everywhere, MY kids’ lives, and often that feels like a very big task. On the flip side, I know the answer to these questions. I hope you don’t read this thinking that I honestly doubt myself THAT much, or that I have felt inferior. I know my own children are happy. In between their bickering there are so many moments and memories FULL of love and laughter. And I know that in the classrooms that I taught in, I was often the reason students also laughed and felt loved. I very rarely forgot students names with their faces. Even when it had been years between seeing them, I remembered. Most of their lives are very hard, very broken, and for some I fear what the years ahead will do to them…but I pray I left an impact on them deep down.

For now? I have 16 days left of summer break. Sixteen days left to invest wholeheartedly every day, ALL day, with our children. I’ll have a fourth and fifth grader come this school year and that BAFFLES me. After this summer, I’ll be working in a program (school) for teen mamas and pregnant teens and while I’m very nervous for change, I am also very excited to invest in these young women. If you too, have been wondering, “Am I enough? Did I DO enough?” I guarantee your answer is yes.

Sometimes it takes some time to sit back and reflect on what YOUR life has looked like. If you’re a verbal or anecdotal processor like me, jot some things down in a notebook or journal. Think about this summer, and instead of dwelling just about the times you lost your patience and snapped at your kids [trust me, it HAS happened a LOT over here….] try to remember the surprise snow cone trips you’ve made, the sleepovers you’ve let your kids have, the late night movies, the extra treats and bags of popcorn, the fireflies caught in the backyard, the time spent with family.

You were enough.
You have done enough.
You ARE enough.

A Letter to My Ten Year Old Son

Ten years of you, my dear boy. Ten glorious, beautiful, BLESSED, years with you. I am so thankful the Lord trusted us to be YOURS. At 11:11am on 6/15/12, you were born into this big, scary, ever changing world. 

I was thinking, what have I learned in these ten years of being your mama? Well, the first is that time is fragile. You can’t stop it, or catch it, or hold it with your fingers. It slips through our fingers and truthfully, the cliche saying, “The days are long but the years are so fast,” couldn’t be more true for how I feel. 

Double digits. Wow, that is YOU, today. You are tall. Your long legs are so lean and strong. You love to play sports and have a new interest in soccer, which has been fun to watch. You are incredibly smart, and I can so see you being a savvy engineer one day. Maybe not. Maybe you’ll be a teacher. Or a doctor. Or a scientist. Maybe you’ll be a college athlete. Time will tell. And as I said, we already know that will feel like all too soon. 

The world needs you, Pierson Clive. You are a wonderful, brave, adventurous little boy that is going to change so many lives. You’ve changed mine, sweet boy. Oh how you have changed mine. 

In just ten more years, you will be twenty. Will you still be at home? Living with me and Dad? Going to a local college, maybe U of L? Again, time will tell. I can’t think about how there may be only “eight more summers” that you spend with me at home. My mind will explode and my heart will surely shatter. Instead I will be so thankful for what I do have with you—the time, the laughter, the memories, the hugs, the still nightly back tickles and you asking me to sing a bedtime song. 

The world is work, Pierson. There may be an easy route, a simpler path, but that doesn’t always make it right. I pray that you have work ethic, and grit. That you realize how sweet success is when you have put a little sweat into it. But beyond the physical work, my son, the world is full of emotional work as well. I pray that you will love dearly every version of you. I also pray that you will know and love and cling to Jesus. In every part of your life. That you will trust Him with the answers, and you will always seek Him first. In the good times and the bad, happy and sad…I promise He is walking with you.

Oh how you will change these next few months, these next years. Be quirky, goofy, curious, and believe in yourself even when others do not. And know this, whatever phase and stage you are in, your dad and I and SO MANY PEOPLE, believe in you. 

We love you. All ten years of you. The ups and downs, the funny and everything in between. I hope you look back on these ten years and smile. Knowing that we have loved every single second with YOU.

Happy 10th birthday, Pierson. Mama loves you so dang much.

Normalizing Therapy and Being Aware of Our Kids' Struggles

My first born. The one who made me Mama. This little boy has grown so fast and as cliché as it always feels to say it, time has flown by…this kiddo heads to FOURTH grade in August and I just shake my head in amazement and bewilderment that this can be possible.

He is really the most empathetic, kindest, respectful, obedient, and SWEETEST child. You know how you go through stages with each kid (if you have more than one) and it seems at one time or the other, one is the ‘easier’ kid? As soon as there seems to be a good rhythm, the other kiddo slips or is going through a challenge. ‘Buttons are never on at the same time,’ my mom worded perfectly!

Pierson’s typically the easier one, as in, doesn’t give us a run for our money with being strong willed and argumentative (ahem…) and maybe that’s a first born thing? I have no idea, I am the youngest and my daughter absolutely gets those genes from me I think. But lately, it hasn’t even been attitude or behaviors that are changing and making us puzzled as parents…it’s the fact that he’s struggled more emotionally than we’ve been able to grasp recently. The past couple of months he has been anxious, and sad. He genuinely seems to struggle with being away from us. At times his smile and melodic laugh seem so distant. We’ve always thought Pierson’s laugh was the absolute best, and some days its just missing.

This summer we have sought out a therapist and praise the Lord she could meet with him right away. It seems that he is going through some severe separation anxiety (especially from his dad) and before Asa and I take a big trip out West in a few weeks, we wanted to try to get Pierson some extra support. He’s gone to school with his dad since he was in kindergarten; riding to and from, and often Asa has even worked IN his classrooms servicing other kiddos. His dad’s always, well, been there! Sure that’s a great thing!! Who would complain about that when looking back on their kids’ growing up years?! But right now, it’s pretty tough! The pandemic did NOT help and we really didn’t know the aftermath affects it would have on our children. (Reese seems to be okay?? But you never know!) We were home together ALL the time. All day every day. Except the more we’ve thought about it, I would come and go WAY more than Asa would and does.

I have my horses thirty minutes away—so almost every day I would spend HOURS at the barn. Our kids have always been used to me having side businesses and photo sessions that take me away from the house. I tend to be more of the busy bee, and Pierson has gotten so used to Asa, ALWAYS being there. On our recent trip to Gulfport, Asa went back to the hotel room to grab some drinks and snacks (mind you, RIGHT across from the beach where we were playing), and Pierson asked me probably twenty times when his dad would be back, why his dad hadn’t came back yet, and could he text him. Asa was gone all of 15 minutes, so this wasn’t a LONG period of time. There is so much more I could write and share, but I think I will just say it’s obvious Pierson will hopefully benefit from talking with more of a professional. I plan to share more later and update the situation—maybe I will even offer more of the back story behind this. For now though, we’d love your prayers!

He has been so wonderful about it and about meeting with her. Reese has asked questions sometimes about therapy and ‘what it is,’ and we are always completely open and transparent with each of them; I say WE ALL need therapy! And that it’s a good friend for Pierson to talk to who can help him walk through his thoughts and any problems or heavy emotions he’s experiencing.

I hope and pray that he will grow through this. I know he WILL. And I also hope that I can be a patient, empathetic, and good mom through it all.

And friends, please never be scared of the T word…THERAPY. Honest to God I think every human being would benefit from having a professional therapist or counselor to talk to. We ALL have something to work through at some point in our lives and sometimes it’s just nice to have someone other than a spouse or family member to talk through our STUFF with. If you need recommendations in the Louisville area I’d love to try to help you find someone, and if you ever have questions about kids and mental health, I’d love to talk with you too. I work in a children’s’ psychiatric hospital full time and while I am NOT a professional counselor or licensed therapist, I know a fair share about loving kiddos in their struggles.

Don’t Let Derailed Plans Derail You

When we bought the house we are currently in, it was practically brand new. Well, five years old but that’s pretty darn new, especially since the one we moved OUT of was over 100-years old. I think for me, I assumed this house would be perfectly fine, a-okay, hunky dory, and really never cause us any ‘issues’ because it was so ‘new.’ But as I sit here reflecting, I’m reminded we didn’t have even a fraction of the problems in our old house that we do here… NEW doesn’t always mean better! I’m a big lesson person, and I believe there is generally a lesson to be learned from almost everything; so I want to share some that I’m learning in this current phase of life.

Things Don’t Go According to Plan

We all know this, right? We make plans and set goals and while sometimes things work out great, often they do not. Asa and I were so excited for the downfall of snow we got in February, never thinking twice about it damaging anything. I grew up in Michigan with feet of snow dumping on my childhood home every single winter. I know my parents house has had some leaking issues in the basement, but it never had ice damming on the roof! I never even knew that was a thing if I’m being honest, until now. We were hit hard with both snow AND ice, and very quickly we started to see water spots on the ceiling….we knew things were getting really not fun when the hardwood floors starting bowing and changing in texture—YIKES.

Thank the Lord FOR homeowners’ insurance, truthfully! We put in a claim and before we even had to time to think really, a crew was out looking at our house. And then REALLY before we knew it, floors were being ripped apart, drywall was getting replaced, and fans were blowing for 48 hours making sure everything was nice and dry. Our walls got a fresh coat of white paint (literally the whole entire first floor) and the last thing has been to get the hardwoods repaired and redone. Which is where we are currently…

Packers came and packed up our first floor, then movers came and moved it all out. We’ve had nowhere to sit for four days and we’ve been sleeping on our bedroom floor like poor college kids. ;) At the end of this though, imagine how incredible our house is going to look and feel? Things didn’t go according to plan but in the end, it sure will look better! (Please, God, no more needs for home owner claims……..) Don’t let derailed plans derail you, it’s 100% part of life and I think what makes the good SO good.

Take Things in Stride

I sat in my closet on the floor, in the dark, with the door shut, taking very deep breaths. It had rained ALL weekend long, the kids were so bored and their noise levels were echoing throughout the very empty first floor. This was Sunday night…after Asa and I had packed the kids suitcases, ours, and we were going through the house trying to figure out and gather what we would need for a week spent OUT of our house. Monday we would move into a rental home for the week, as our hardwood floors get finished.

I realized I had a deadline for a brand that was going to be very challenging to complete and I was starting to internally freak out. I grabbed one of my favorite essential oils, Valor, (if you don’t have it, you need it) and took deep breaths. Then, my sweet, sweet husband opened the closet door and closed it behind him. He sat WITH me there, and walked me through the next day. He encouraged me to email the brand and ask for a 24 hour extension (praise God they’re awesome and gave it to us!) and after I had that moment…I reminded myself that one, I am incredibly blessed and two, it’s okay to slow down and catch your breathe. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed and to stress ourselves out with the MANY challenges we may be facing, but when we take them in stride, it is so much easier to function!

Being Happy with Less

Our first floor has been empty for DAYS. No couch or chair in the living room, no dining room table, no kitchen table, no bar stools…so we’ve had to do life a little differently. Our meals have been either outside on the deck or upstairs in the family room. Our dogs and cats at first looked around, confused; but really, as long as they have their people, they are happy. And the same goes for us! We have had each other and while it’s looked really differently, we still have so much to be joyful about. Having a beautiful home is always something that means a lot to me, (a blog post about it here), but having less doesn’t mean our happiness has to be sacrificed. It was really eye opening to stand in our empty living room, with the bare walls, and to hug each other tightly knowing really, THAT was all that mattered—we have each other. Wherever we are, no matter what is going on, regardless of what life looks like—we are strong because we have one another.

Mama’s Mood Matters

I have never liked the phrase ‘happy wife, happy life,’ because I wholeheartedly agree the same can be said for having a happy HUSBAND. But what I’ve learned a LOT over the years, especially the older our kids are getting…is that my mood often sets the tone for the household. That sounds like a lot of pressure, doesn’t it? Ha. But you probably know what I mean. Negative emotions are contagious, but so are POSITIVE. Me, as a mom, realizes I may need to become more and more mindful of this. What kind of mood do we want to inspire in others? Being in touch with MY emotions and what I’m offering others…is one, another reason I’m thankful for my essential oils (ha) and two, another reason I’m thankful to have a husband who helps me stay in check!

What’s going on in your world right now? Have you done any house renovations that shook you? It’s hard to believe we are half way through April right now, isn’t it? I’m thankful for spring, for change, and I am looking forward to being back home!