Beating Back Fear

I wouldn’t say I am afraid of a lot of things, but there seems to be a pattern for me. As a hard worker and an ‘achiever’ mindset kinda gal, I live a face paced and busy lifestyle. The one word (that I’ve definitely blogged about before) that seems to surface from time to time is this:

F A I L U R E

Now I know, no one LIKES failing. And the interesting thing to me is that I wouldn’t ever call myself a failure. But when I evaluate the fear I am facing, I can see that deep down it feels like failing and I fear it so badly.

Over three years ago I had my ‘traumatic fall’ (as I call it) off my Paddy. Y’all know that. The fall was so bad, my face was so bashed up, and the perineum tear I experienced was well, nothing you want to hear abut here. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to work through the FEAR of riding him, ever again. I constantly doubted if I could ride WELL, at least. Or that I’d be able to trust him. Three years later, I take that boy all across open fields and work so hard in the arena, trotting and cantering and learning how to be a team. It’s been so fun and incredible to feel the growth with Paddy. (Don’t misinterpret me, he and I are always learning. And sometimes, I DO feel fear while upon his back, but oh man it’s been awesome to be able to work through it.)

I can’t chalk our growth and my ability to ride him freely just up to ME though. I had a helper. A beautiful, sweet, saint of a helper—and his name is Rocco.

Recently Rocco and I had our first major scare, together. It’s a very long story that truthfully I don’t want to bore my non-horsey readers with, but the moral of the story is that he is even more scared of my Paddy and the other geldings in Paddy’s field, than I ever realized. (We recently switched Rocco fields to be with the ‘good boys,’ two other older and more docile horses than Paddy’s field—who tend to be territorial and more Alpha in behaviors.) While riding Rocco PAST his old pasture, Paddy approached him (keep in mind, IN his pasture), pinned his ears back at Rocco, and Rocco lost his mind. He spun and backed up and ran into the fence behind him, and tried to bolt and did all the things and I was freaking OUT.

I am just not experienced ENOUGH to have been able to help him work through that, especially ON his back. I yelled, I reacted, I was gripped with fear. It was a terrible feeling…one that I was familiar with before. And I hated it.

F E A R

“One of the greatest threats to mental and emotional health is fear…it sends us into fits of anxiety and panic,” (-Rebekah Lyons)

I ended up dismounting (truthfully I thought I was for SURE going to fall off) and I was so angry. And I felt so BAD for being so angry. I felt like in a split second, my confidence was ripped away from me, while on my confidence boosting horse. I led him back to the barn, got back on, and rode to the arena. Riding to the arena was fine. I wasn’t scared or fearful to be on his back. But the thought of going back down that driveway and potentially riding past Paddy’s field again?? That I couldn’t handle…Back in the barn, tears started streaming. As I replayed the events to my barn friends, I confessed what a failure I was feeling like. (Thank God for barn sisters to hug and to preach rational truth into me!)

…”Instead of avoiding the things we fear, we might consider confronting them. Fear holds us back and keeps us believing the lie that we aren’t strong enough, brave enough, or mentally tough enough to break out of our ruts…”

It’s been two days. I am itching to get back to the barn and to hug Rocco again. I know he is struggling with anxiety (with those particular horses for some reason) and I know he needs me. He needs me to be strong…to be calm, to be patient, to be CONFIDENT. My trainer gently reminded me, “Sometimes we need them for confidence, and other times they need us for confidence.” I know horses are majestic creatures. I know they speak their own language, they feel deeply, and they can be such sensitive souls. I feel a lot of fear even thinking about riding down the driveway again, in the event he bolts and spooks and spins all over again. But I am making an action plan and know that taking baby steps to beat back fear, for both us, is going to be okay.

You don’t have to love horses to be able to relate to this post, at least I don’t think so. All of us have had crippling fear at one point or another. One of you reading this is working through fear of your own. Maybe it’s fear of sickness, fear of failure in your marriage or workplace, perhaps it is fear of losing a friend or community. What fears or anxieties do YOU need to overcome? Try making a list and then work through ways you can begin to beat that fear back.

I have been reading Rebekah Lyons book ‘Rhythms of Renewal’ and she has inspired me so much to sit back and think through a lot of things. If you’re looking for a book that talks about the importance of friendship, adventure, exercise, good food, leadership and more, try reading this one. And if you need a friend to help support you while you beat back your fears, just shoot me an email and I’d be happy to connect with you.

xx

Don’t Let Derailed Plans Derail You

When we bought the house we are currently in, it was practically brand new. Well, five years old but that’s pretty darn new, especially since the one we moved OUT of was over 100-years old. I think for me, I assumed this house would be perfectly fine, a-okay, hunky dory, and really never cause us any ‘issues’ because it was so ‘new.’ But as I sit here reflecting, I’m reminded we didn’t have even a fraction of the problems in our old house that we do here… NEW doesn’t always mean better! I’m a big lesson person, and I believe there is generally a lesson to be learned from almost everything; so I want to share some that I’m learning in this current phase of life.

Things Don’t Go According to Plan

We all know this, right? We make plans and set goals and while sometimes things work out great, often they do not. Asa and I were so excited for the downfall of snow we got in February, never thinking twice about it damaging anything. I grew up in Michigan with feet of snow dumping on my childhood home every single winter. I know my parents house has had some leaking issues in the basement, but it never had ice damming on the roof! I never even knew that was a thing if I’m being honest, until now. We were hit hard with both snow AND ice, and very quickly we started to see water spots on the ceiling….we knew things were getting really not fun when the hardwood floors starting bowing and changing in texture—YIKES.

Thank the Lord FOR homeowners’ insurance, truthfully! We put in a claim and before we even had to time to think really, a crew was out looking at our house. And then REALLY before we knew it, floors were being ripped apart, drywall was getting replaced, and fans were blowing for 48 hours making sure everything was nice and dry. Our walls got a fresh coat of white paint (literally the whole entire first floor) and the last thing has been to get the hardwoods repaired and redone. Which is where we are currently…

Packers came and packed up our first floor, then movers came and moved it all out. We’ve had nowhere to sit for four days and we’ve been sleeping on our bedroom floor like poor college kids. ;) At the end of this though, imagine how incredible our house is going to look and feel? Things didn’t go according to plan but in the end, it sure will look better! (Please, God, no more needs for home owner claims……..) Don’t let derailed plans derail you, it’s 100% part of life and I think what makes the good SO good.

Take Things in Stride

I sat in my closet on the floor, in the dark, with the door shut, taking very deep breaths. It had rained ALL weekend long, the kids were so bored and their noise levels were echoing throughout the very empty first floor. This was Sunday night…after Asa and I had packed the kids suitcases, ours, and we were going through the house trying to figure out and gather what we would need for a week spent OUT of our house. Monday we would move into a rental home for the week, as our hardwood floors get finished.

I realized I had a deadline for a brand that was going to be very challenging to complete and I was starting to internally freak out. I grabbed one of my favorite essential oils, Valor, (if you don’t have it, you need it) and took deep breaths. Then, my sweet, sweet husband opened the closet door and closed it behind him. He sat WITH me there, and walked me through the next day. He encouraged me to email the brand and ask for a 24 hour extension (praise God they’re awesome and gave it to us!) and after I had that moment…I reminded myself that one, I am incredibly blessed and two, it’s okay to slow down and catch your breathe. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed and to stress ourselves out with the MANY challenges we may be facing, but when we take them in stride, it is so much easier to function!

Being Happy with Less

Our first floor has been empty for DAYS. No couch or chair in the living room, no dining room table, no kitchen table, no bar stools…so we’ve had to do life a little differently. Our meals have been either outside on the deck or upstairs in the family room. Our dogs and cats at first looked around, confused; but really, as long as they have their people, they are happy. And the same goes for us! We have had each other and while it’s looked really differently, we still have so much to be joyful about. Having a beautiful home is always something that means a lot to me, (a blog post about it here), but having less doesn’t mean our happiness has to be sacrificed. It was really eye opening to stand in our empty living room, with the bare walls, and to hug each other tightly knowing really, THAT was all that mattered—we have each other. Wherever we are, no matter what is going on, regardless of what life looks like—we are strong because we have one another.

Mama’s Mood Matters

I have never liked the phrase ‘happy wife, happy life,’ because I wholeheartedly agree the same can be said for having a happy HUSBAND. But what I’ve learned a LOT over the years, especially the older our kids are getting…is that my mood often sets the tone for the household. That sounds like a lot of pressure, doesn’t it? Ha. But you probably know what I mean. Negative emotions are contagious, but so are POSITIVE. Me, as a mom, realizes I may need to become more and more mindful of this. What kind of mood do we want to inspire in others? Being in touch with MY emotions and what I’m offering others…is one, another reason I’m thankful for my essential oils (ha) and two, another reason I’m thankful to have a husband who helps me stay in check!

What’s going on in your world right now? Have you done any house renovations that shook you? It’s hard to believe we are half way through April right now, isn’t it? I’m thankful for spring, for change, and I am looking forward to being back home!

Relationship Talk: Having Those BIG Conversations

Duh factor: no one LIKES to fight. Confrontation is hard, conflict makes us all feel uncomfy, and relationships can be so damn TOUGH. Especially when you’re in the one for the long haul. Everyone remembers their elementary boyfriends right? Or middle, or high school? Some of those looked like, “Hey, will you go OUT with me?” and thirty seconds later getting dumped by the jackass who was supposedly your boyfriend. Yeah, I’m not talking about THOSE relationships… so let’s cut to the chase now. I asked on Instagram recently for people to suggest some topics that THEY would benefit from, and what they wanted to hear from Asa and I; ya know, the oldies who’ve been married for twelve years!! [K, I get it, 12 years sounds like baby years to many of you reading this but I’ve also got the crowd of gals who are thinking, TWELVE YEARS?!?! THAT’S SOOOOO LONG!!] So, just keep reading because here is where Asa and I take turns sharing our hearts on having those BIG CONVERSATIONS……….

I remember one of my first fights with Ashley, she was clearly trying to get ME to end it with her. She was saying everything except “I want to break up”. The conversation/argument felt meaningless the longer it went on. So I leaned in, kissed her forehead and said “I’m not doing your dirty work for you. If you want out, you’ll have to do it yourself. I’m here for the long haul”. It was sort of a turning point for us. A maturation in our relationship. We started learning to shift our fights and conversations from “How do I win and prove my point” to “How do we grow through this as a couple.” It seems like such a small thing, but really, it’s one of the most important mental shifts we’ve ever made. 

Reading the blurb above from Asa made me wanna pop him—y’all know he did that same exact thing when I peed on the pregnancy stick and screamed, “What the F are we going to do?!” when I discovered we were pregnant…again?! He leaned over, kissed my forehead, and told me I’d have to break up with him if I wanted out…. I’m KIDDING. He so calmly and sweetly said, “We’re going to have a baby!” Yes, he’s generally the calm and level headed one, surprise surprise. But I don’t want you to think for a moment that our conversations or disagreements or arguments are always that EASY. Because they’re not. I remember that exact memory he recalled where I was trying to sabotage our relationship. And while it clearly worked out for us, and we DID mature and shift our fights and discussions; we still at times DO need to remind ourselves, “We can grow through this together…” 2020 Asa and Ashley also saw some serious maturation. The things that used to set us off and blow up as full blown fights have significantly diffused. We’ve learned when one of us is mad, especially REAL mad, picking at one another just won’t end well. We respect each other enough to give space, provide some time to step away, and nine times out of ten anymore we don’t get into yelling matches. (Lord, y’all, I’m going to eat my words aren’t I? Watch, tomorrow we’re going to lose our minds………………

Ashley and I both have a childhood upbringing in Church. We were raised in Christian homes by Christian parents who also had very different beliefs and views. If you have been a part of Christian culture for any length of time you already know they are one of the most divided groups. Christians bicker over scripture and interpretation of scripture at an unbelievable rate. Want some simple proof? According to Google, there are 30,000 denominations of Christianity world wide. Each one clearly believing their own unique brand of interpretation is the best. I digress, this post isn’t about the church. But it did lead her and I into some really heated and hard conversations about faith, what we believed, and how we practiced our faith. Some really, really big fights came out of it…

Yes, we were both raised in Christian homes by incredible parents. Very different parents. Very different churches. I have never ever been good at memorization and I don’t know the Bible super WELL, but I DO remember this verse (and have zero recollection when I actually memorized it): “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers, for what does darkness have in common with light?” [Don’t Google that, I was off in the exact words but you get the gist.] Friends— My point is, you NEED to have those faith filled conversations BEFORE you say you are IN it (your relationship) for the LONG haul. ESPECIALLY if you’re thinking marriage. Both Asa and I ARE Believers. We love Jesus, we seek God in ALL that we do; but y’all, we learned a LOT when we decided the church he grew up in and had spent twenty-four years being a part of, was NOT going to be our church home. I remember crying on the phone with my mom early on, (like first few months early on!) SO scared that I HAD made the wrong decision in marrying him. Asa and I had some BIG conversations and ultimately we came out on the other side very strong. Thankfully the Lord showed us how to cling to each other and how to find Him in our grace filled journey towards finding a new church.

Here’s the truth, the closer we got to marriage, the more important things like this were. You simply can’t hide the pillars of who you are early on, and then blitz your partner later with them. For both she and I, the single most important part of our identity then and now is our identity in Christ. So pretending it didn’t matter if we didn’t see eye to eye would have been completely disingenuous. Those conversations had to happen. And not just on religious matters; we had to discuss our plans for college, work, life, kids, previous relationships, sex, family, etc. Nothing could be off limits. Was it hard? Absolutely. Did we get angry and struggle to navigate through it sometimes? Of course. But remember, we were trying to grow through this as a couple, so it was always safe. 

Shew, this topic could get real heavy real quick, so I’ll try to keep it PG and I’ll try not to make anyone too cringy here. If you’re anything like me, you had some emotional baggage going into marriage. Beyond just ‘emotional baggage,’ maybe you even had experienced past sexual trauma. Is that hard for me to write in a blog post, shared on the Internet for God Knows Who to read? Sure, a little. But it’s the truth. It’s part of my story. As an eighteen year old and moving to a brand new city, I fell into the hands and life of a man and boss who did NOT have my best interest in mind. Shit happened, and while I take a weird sense of pride in exclaiming I never had sex with him, I didn’t have to for the toil everything that DID happen, to completely wreak havoc into parts of my married sex life. This is where BIG CONVERSATIONS are important, and SO MUCH SO in having them before you walk down the aisle; before you are lying in bed next to the amazing person you just committed your life to. A couple once told us they NEVER wanted to discuss with one another their past relationships (especially sexual it seemed.) We were both shocked because, friends, intimacy is not an area that any of us will (or should) take lightly. Knowing what is okay and what is NOT okay (in the bedroom and beyond), is so crucial. There are times and moments that I am easily triggered, and if Asa did not KNOW my past?? I cannot imagine what that part of our life would look like? Have the big talks. Be honest with one another. Am I saying you have to share every single nitty gritty detailed full event with your partner/spouse? Not at all…but I do encourage you to be honest and patient and to continuously pray and seek grace TOGETHER.

Here is the thing, we found out that what she and I were taught growing up shaped us, molded us, but didn’t define us. We took who we were raised to be, and grew into new people together. When topics that really were hard came up l(like sex, or kids, or where we would live)… we learned to work through it with love and patience. Ashley told me when we were dating that she never wanted children. (She can share more of that later or maybe she already has.) I told her that I wouldn’t force the issue, but that I had always said “If I have one kid, I’ll have two. No more than three”. I think you know how that story ends. Because early on, our understanding of who we are, and what we want would change a hundred times over. And big conversations have to happen in every facet of your relationship, and often, more than once. We STILL have big conversations. About money, future land, what we want to watch on Netflix, big important things. Those conversations are hard at times (especially the Netflix part…), but they get easier the more love and trust grows between us. I am confident when we need to have hard conversations, about big important topics, that despite the potential for hurt feelings, anger and resentment, the goal is always “How do we grow through this together?”

I love him. Isn’t he good? It’s so fun to read what Asa wrote throughout (we write these separately!) and to find my own thoughts and words and memories to fill in the spaces. But anyway—the point is, you can do this. And if you have zero desire TO do this with the person you are dating, you may want to do some soul searching and praying. If you’re married and this blog post has you freaked out, don’t let it. We KNOW having big conversations and tough talks are HARD. Relationships are hard, marriage is HARD. But it is also beautiful. I cannot imagine being with anyone else who knows literally ALL my deepest and darkest secrets, who has SEEN so much of my ugly, and who still chooses me over, and over, and over again. But hey, we are still human. We definitely have moments where we really don’t like each other, but we DO love each other. And we choose EACH OTHER, always. How do we grow through this together?

Lots of prayer (together), lots of laughter, lots of Netflix, and lots of love and grace.

Creating a Cozy Home with Oils

Tis the season, Friends, to be with loved ones and celebrate being together. Oh wait… that’s been the last eight months, right? Still, and maybe more than ever, I am all for creating an atmosphere that helps us create and FEEL at peace. Did you know that one of the easiest ways to cozy up your home is with scent? But I’m not talking fake scent and fake fragrances, friends! I mean by filling our diffusers, making DIY room sprays and adding ALL the twinkly lights, cozy blankets and throw pillows.

It is SO easy to make homemade room and linen sprays. One of my recent favorites is called ‘Flannel Shirts’ and it is a mixture of Northern Lights Black Spruce + Stress Away. All you need is a 2oz glass spray bottle, a splash of witch hazel, 10-15 drops of each oil and voila; spritz on flannel sheets, linens, PJ’s, and/or keep in a bathroom.

There are SO many incredible diffuser favorites for Fall and Winter…but to name a few of ours, we LOVE spice oils, such as Nutmeg and Clove, Cinnamon Bark and Cassia. We also love the Conifer oils, I.e. Black Spruce, Pine, and the NEW Winter Nights blend. Vanilla is BRAND NEW to Young Living and you better believe I am diffusing this basically around the clock. Keep your oils HANDY and close by. Add your personal touch of trinkets and holiday knick knacks, and then diffuse, diffuse, diffuse.

With the colder weather and getting darker earlier outside, I basically want to cozy up inside every single day…if you’re wondering if our twinkle lights are on all the time, the answer is yes. If you’re wondering if I am running all the diffusers ALL the time, the answer is also yes. I don’t want to burn candles all day every day…I don’t desire all of that aftermath for our air filters OR for our lungs (and our pets!!) so I am all about filling our diffusers every single day and creating this atmosphere, always. There are SO MANY good options to replace candles, Y’all. I’m talking Cinnamon Spiced Vanilla, Apple Cinnamon Cider, Marshmallow Pumpkin Latte, Sweater Weather and SO much more. Another thing that makes our home cozy and inviting, are the products that we use. For instance, our Christmas Spirit foaming hand soap is basically Heaven on earth and no joke, after you wash your hands, you may be that person constantly sniffing them but hey, I got you—no judgement here!! It smells THAT good and we know!

Alright, last but definitely not least. The BEST way to cozy up your home this season….get ya a pair of Golden Retrievers!! Ha ha ha! These two make everything pretty wonderful so of course they needed a spot here in this blog post :) Get your cozy on, Friends. And if you try one of these tips, let me know! Don’t have essential oils either? Let’s fix that. Just shoot me a message and let’s chat!