When Fighting Doesn't HAVE to Ruin Date Night

When you are out with friends as a married couple, the LAST thing you want to happen is a fight between the two of you. I mean, no one sets out on a night away, planning to laugh and be carefree and to thoroughly enjoy being just the two of you again—and then ruining it with an argument. And I’ve written a blog post before about ‘When You Ruin Date Night,’ but this time I want to flip that scenario.

What if you fight, while on a date with friends, and even though there is still tension and some big feelings, the night doesn’t get RUINED?

This past time, it was 100% Asa’s fault. And he will be perfectly fine with me stating that. We were going out to celebrate a couple of his co-workers graduations from college and their masters program and I was so happy for them! Asa had already in his mind decided that the night was going to be just PERFECT and that I would be the cut loose and giggly / outgoing / extroverted version of myself. Well the truth is, that side of me is VERY few and far between. Thirty-four year old Ashley tends to be more quiet, more introspected, HAPPY still, just not loud or completely carefree. I tend to quietly people watch. Listen. And take the moments in as they come. We had an overnight sitter for the kids, there was zero reason we needed to have an early night in, but I had warned Asa that the later it got, the more I wanted to just get HOME. At one point I literally said, “I want to go home, wash my face, put on my charcoal mask, get in pajamas, and cuddle the dogs.” [Did I mention thirty-four year old me may be super lame??]

He kept asking me if I was okay. Repeatedly. We parked the car at our next destination on Fourth Street and I kept saying, “I’m fine.” In the PAST, me saying, “I’m fine,” didn’t always really mean that I was fine. Even in the 2019 blog post I wrote about ruining date night there’s a paragraph there about how I get quiet and shut down and stop talking when I’m angry or upset. But I wasn’t upset that evening. I wasn’t angry! And I’ve been on a low dose anxiety med for quite some time now and I swear the one thing it does for me is that it simply REGULATES me and my feelings [aka its’ JOB.] I wasn’t feeling overly adventurous or outgoing that night on this date, but I promise you I really was 100% FINE. I was content, I was happy, I was having a good time. Did I want to be in pajamas cuddling my Golden Retrievers? YEP. But I was also FINE being out with my husband.

Things escalated and he wasn’t taking my word for it. He got quite angry and exclaimed, “Well I’m not sure how we’re going to finish this night? I’ll feel like an idiot if I go in there and I’ll feel like an idiot if we just leave.” I clapped my hands together and said, “OR, Asa, we GO INSIDE and we tell the TRUTH that YEAH, we had a fight. YEAH we had a disagreement. YEAH we are frustrated with each other now, but we WILL BE OKAY.”

Everyone there was married [except one] and I was POSITIVE they would understand. Why would we abruptly leave the date and why would we just ACT like everything was hunky dory?? [You see, I wasn’t mad BEFORE this moment in the car. I really was FINE. But the more he pressed and questioned my ‘fineness’ the angrier I felt myself getting. So yeah, I was real annoyed.] It is OKAY for married people to fight. It is OKAY to admit to those in your circle around you that you ARE fighting or were fighting.

We were able to move on, move forward, and get over the silliness—WITHOUT ruining date night.

In 2019 I said,

Asa and I strive to continue having an exceptional marriage, and I am forever thankful for the patient and loving man that he is.

and on this day in 2022 I still believe every word of that sentence. Daily we strive for an exceptional marriage. I also strive to be exceptionally honest. I will always go back in my mind to the Hollis’ and their 100% dishonesty with their fans and listeners. I listened to their podcast often, where they bragged about loving to make out with one another and that they were each other’s best friends, that their marriage was strong and incredible…and then one day, Jen wrote this publicly:

"We have worked endlessly over the last three years to make this work and have come to the conclusion that it is healthier and more respectful for us to choose this as the end of our journey as a married couple.”

THREE YEARS?! Endlessly working on their marriage?? But not ONE podcast about the difficulties and struggles and fights and REALNESS about marriage. Nah, friends. I want to forever be real with you. Asa and I do NOT fight very often, I am incredibly thankful for that. But we still DO fight. Sometimes it happens on date nights, sometimes it happens in our home, sometimes it happens in Target. IT HAPPENS.

I want to end this post with a simple challenge to you, don’t strive for perfection. Strive instead to be with someone who is okay to fight with you and who can take ownership for it at the same time. Who can face friends and people and humbly carry on with the evening. Who isn’t trying to save face or have a public image that LOOKS perfect. But one who fights with you but yet loves you, chooses you, and grows from mistakes.

A Spouse or a Roommate?

I always promise to be real with you all here. So this isn’t a blog post that I am necessarily PROUD to write? But one that I feel is super important to put out there.

Recently I had an incredibly convicting conversation with my husband. And I have a feeling I won’t be the only woman / spouse / person who has struggled with this.

“ I feel like we are simply coinciding. Like we are roommates and best friends. Not like our marriage is thriving or doing the best that it can.”

Ouch, right? Except it was so needed. I can have a tendency to go nonstop. So when the kids are down and it’s 9 o’clock at night, instead of spending time with my husband, I will brainstorm my side businesses. I’ll write newsletters to my oil customers, I’ll check in on my Young Living team, I’ll edit photos. And when I’m in those modes? The last thing I want is to be INTIMATE. So I just won’t be. Or I’ll shut him down. Or sometimes I’m even MEAN!

So let’s talk about intimacy.

Truthfully, and I’ve always been honest about this here, it’s been a struggle for me our entire marriage. This is due to past obstacles that I have had to face, and decisions I made when I was younger, that definitely were NOT the best for me or for my future husband (hence, how at 33 years old I still struggle.) I’ve blocked a lot of things out from a really bad period in my life when I was 18 years old and working for a much older horse trainer. I’ve never had REAL therapy about it (yes, I know I SHOULD), and I’m only writing this to share a little bit of a back story to help you see a glimpse into my ‘why’ I may struggle.

Asa has never been ANYTHING except patient, loving, selfless, and gracious through it all. Now, I’m not saying I freak out out or have panic attacks or anything. MOST of the time I thoroughly ENJOY when I can let myself relax and be present and intimate with my husband. But that’s kinda the problem…allowing myself to let go and putting a PRIORITY on my husband, is something I have severely been slacking at lately.

So we talked about it!

It’s also not JUST about the sex (there, I said it.) It is about the fact that I have put priorities on friends, members, my business, my HORSES; I will schedule all sorts of stuff and plan things and then it’s late at night and I’ve worked (taught) all day, and then mommed and worked some more late at night. He doesn’t deserve that! He doesn’t deserve to be treated simply like a friend, one who I ‘work into’ my schedule.

Timothy Keller in his book, “The Meaning of Marriage,” says something that I think is so beautiful and true:

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”

Not that I think my love has ever DRIED up for Asa. But I think I have had moments where I forgot to show love! I needed the reminder from HIM, as my precious and loving husband, to do the acts of love. To make time for him. To put the laptop away and watch a damn tv show with him. To set intentional date nights on our deck to be together. To laugh with him more, to ASK how I can help him, to pay attention more. To kiss him more deeply, to FLIRT, to joke, and to love.

Am I now the best at this and completely out of the woods because I’m sharing this vulnerable blog post? Nope. But my eyes have been opened. And I pray to God Asa never stops pursuing a magnificent marriage with me. I pray he NEVER stops choosing me or helping me learn how to be better.

We are almost thirteen years into marriage! I remember getting in our car and pulling away from our wedding at the age of TWENTY, wondering what a decade of marriage would look like. “Do you think we’ll be married for like THIRTY years?” I asked him. “I sure hope so,” he said. “You would be FIFTY…..” (My math skills aren’t the greatest, y’all and thirty sounded SO far.)

As I close here, I want to add that if you haven’t read The Meaning of Marriage, I can’t recommend it enough. Here is one more quote that I just love:

“What marriage is for: It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be.”

I WANT to be best friends with Asa. He IS my best friend. But at the same time, I think it is equally important that I am a WIFE to him. I am so thankful that we have been able to have BIG conversations throughout our marriage (here’s a blog post that talks about that!) I am so humbled by his love.

Can you relate? Have you gone through this with your spouse? Shoot me an email or comment and let’s connect. I’d love to be an ear for you if you need; both Asa and I really love trying to help married people love each other well.