Recently my husband and I had a date night. I’m not sure if those come easy for you lovebirds…? But for us, they are few and far between, largely because intentionally planning them hasn’t really been a priority throughout our marriage. Asa and I are REALLY good at nights in. Inwardly, we are kind of homebodies. Toss me my pajamas, give me my favorite blanket, and I am GREAT to curl up on the couch and binge watch ALL our TV shows with him. It’s not that we don’t enjoy going out, because we do. It’s always fun to get a babysitter, dress in real clothing, put some makeup on, and go OUT to a nice meal—it just doesn’t happen often, or even monthly for us.
[Now I’m curious…how often do you plan and go on actual dates with your spouse??]
Well, the other night we had gotten a great babysitter, the kids were excited and literally shooed us out the door, and Asa and I were soon sitting down at a restaurant. A little back story could maybe help this post make some more sense, so bear with me. It was a Friday night. My work week had been incredibly stressful; daily getting an influx of new students, and the days themselves left me feeling pretty drained overall. Also, I have been getting quite panicked about my quiet e-mail inbox and the lack of partnerships/collaborations being offered. I know January is always slower for Influencers and Bloggers, but for whatever reason, I have been FREAKED. Asa and I had spent most of the week spit balling about what I could do differently with my Instagram account, why I was dropping followers like flies, and praying about what I even want to be DOING social media wise. That, was also mentally exhausting.
Then, we started to talk about the horses. He never said anything offensive or hurtful, but for whatever unknown to me reason, I started to shut DOWN. I got super quiet (because that’s what I do when I first get mad), and then my emotions began to spiral out of control. The night in itself resulted in us fighting, and me going to bed without him.
I should clarify, this fight wasn’t loud, ugly, or out of control. But I was being and feeling completely irrational, Asa felt hurt and confused, and our one in a million date night was ruined. Has this ever happened to you?!
The next MORNING, I woke feeling just plain depressed. I was sad our evening didn’t go as planned, that I had once again let my bratty inner child surface, but yet, I continued to be a jerk. I remained quiet when Asa woke up. I didn’t make eye contact. And I couldn’t even explain WHY!!! I decided to sit down with my Bible and journal. I began to write down the parts that I could remember sensing my heart get upset as we drove around and talked. I wrote it all down, and then I realized this:
For whatever reason, I felt ALONE. But in actuality, I was far from it.
Asa has ALWAYS told me that he is here with me and for me, never against me. When I get downright angry because of my anxiety and worries, I tend to lash out at him or just speak aggressively and defensively. I can get so annoyed at my circumstances that I speak from my fear and NOT in love. I asked him if he could please read what I had written in my journal because that was the best way I knew how to process what I was feeling. He of course willingly did so, and then pulled me onto his lap…yet again reminding me that he is here WITH me. That he didn’t say anything to be hurtful or offensive, or to upset me—he had spoken some truthful statements, such as, “When we got Rocco, I thought we were agreeing to leasing Paddy to someone. That decision wasn’t me agreeing to be a two horse family, yet, in that moment.” He then had told me that it’s all OKAY, God’s worked it out beautifully so far and he’s not upset with me or the situation, that was just something he had noticed. And he was RIGHT. Back in September I thought for sure I would find someone to lease Paddy because I didn’t truthfully think that I could ever ride him WELL again. Then I rode him at his new farm, and ride after ride was wonderful, leaving me wanting to ride him AGAIN. I quickly had no desire to find him a new home or to have someone lease him, because I was doing the unimaginable. But when Asa said that, I took it so personally as if somehow he was disappointed in me or upset.
Do you ever do this? Project thoughts and feelings on to someone you love who does NOT deserve it?!
“Often, I STILL assign thoughts to others that they never actually think. I hold them accountable to harsh judgements hey never make. I own a rejection from them they never game me” (29). Lysa Terkeurst is by far still one of my favorite authors and her book Uninvited will FOREVER be teaching and reminding me. When Asa has something to say to me, he says it. Why or how do I get so caught up trying to read in between the lines, when there aren’t any lines to READ?
Anyway, friends. I ruined that date night. But I learned a valuable lesson by doing so. After ten years being married to the man that I love, I still need to calm the heck down and have a reality check. I also want to try harder to BE more intentional about actual date nights, and that is one of our goals together for 2019. Stay tuned, I’ll let ya know how our future February date goes ;) Asa and I strive to continue having an exceptional marriage, and I am forever thankful for the patient and loving man that he is.