Marriage.
A topic you all know I am super passionate about, and one that I absolutely love sharing about WITH you. I have a question for you though before I dive in:
What means the most to you when you are following someone you admire on Instagram or social channels? What type of person are you drawn to, inspired by, strive to be a LITTLE like in your own journey here on Earth.
For ME, I am drawn to people who tell the truth. I love funny people, because who doesn’t like to laugh? I love when someone I admire can share their realness, their raw struggles, and when they can offer a glimmer of hope to a situation I am personally walking through. So let me tell you when I recently discovered that a favorite famous couple of mine is DIVORCING…after ENDLESS time listening to their podcasts, reading their books, and supposedly learning from them on how to make MY marriage even greater…
I WAS TICKED.
I’m not here to judge anyone and I am not here to judge relationships, period. I believe everyone’s situation is very unique; sometimes a marriage isn’t safe to stay in. Some are toxic, dangerous, and often if there is betrayal by one, a couple cannot move forward and separating is truly what is best for THEM. Your story is your story, do not feel I am judging you, there is no space for that in this blog.
But when a public figure is literally writing books and putting out podcasts on how GREAT their marriage is or was, and that is entirely NOT the truth…well, I’ve been a little miffed. Honest to goodness, one of the podcasts was called ‘Keeping Your Relationship Strong During Quarantine,” Guys. Just a few months later on June 8th it was announced that their ‘journey as a married couple was ending….’ and that they had ‘worked endlessly over the last three years to make this work…’
WHY WAS IT NEVER TALKED ABOUT!?!
I totally get that a LOT of people don’t want to air their dirty laundry. And you don’t HAVE to!! But when you are literally building an EMPIRE and making millions of dollars from your advice on having a healthy marriage…it’s just not right. It’s a bummer, a let down, a total disappointment, and honestly feels like a slap in the face. What happened?! When did the struggle start?! WHY did it start? Was there ever any hope? What was done to try to fix it? Was it none of my business (perhaps…?!?) As far as I knew, I wasn’t following a fictional public speaker, y’all. The podcasts weren’t supposed to be made up or fictional STORIES—they were all ‘real life!’ All along, I thought they were so authentic, tried and true transparent, admirable, trustworthy, and honest with their audience.
Or were they?
I think it’s obvious I’m still a little hurt. I don’t have ill intent for their lives, or for their future relationships. I am just missing the truth. And honestly I am kind of regretting how much time I listened to their podcasts whenever I’ve spent long hours in the car; I’m sure they’ve loved each other. I am positive of it. But why not just be honest with the community you have built…struggles are real. Marriage is hard. Sometimes we all may want to walk away. And that doesn’t make you bad or less than or inferior. It just makes you HUMAN.
Do YOU know it is okay to be HUMAN? Are you sure you fully believe that? I believe I am a sinner saved by grace and the blood of Jesus. When I almost walked away from MY marriage in 2014, I felt shame, disgust, guilt, and even hatred for myself. I kept quiet for YEARS. Hardly anyone knew, and even those who were the closest to me only knew bits and pieces. But in 2019 the Lord put it on BOTH Asa and I’s heart to share that story and those chapters of our lives.
NOW our story very much looks like losing our mind some days parenting…feeling stressed by our diabetic cat…figuring out schedules of horses and barn time…figuring out schedules and routine as a family…Some days it’s hard to have sex (gasp), to not be overly tired, to turn off work mode (for me) and I could really go on. We have very much moved past giant obstacles of being in a marriage, but by no means does that mean our days are easy breezy ;)
Instagram had become a place where I naturally wanted to empower and uplift women. I have used it as a space for transparency for many years, where I am okay talking about my struggles and hardships and where I try to offer hope and encouragement to those who a part of my ‘tribe.’ In 2019 I wrote that blog post, prayed over it, released it into the vast world wide web and I continue to pray over it. Countless couples have emailed me or messaged through Instagram and it was such a huge eye opener of how many people have struggled in the ways that I have.
Asa and I’s story is not your story; it is not anyone’s exact story. And I think the fact that we all have stories of our own is a beautiful thing. How much could we learn from one another if we were willing to be a little transparent? We struggled through the sadness and grief that year and I am humbled by the grace, restoration, and redemption we found in our marriage. Quarantine has been good for us too. Honestly we haven’t really had any fights (I know, it’s insane…) and I want to remind you, that does NOT mean we are perfect!! That means we are finding a good flow with our relationship; we have learned to listen to each other so much better these past almost 12 years, and we have been very good to take deep breaths and THINK before we speak too much (especially when one of us is overly stressed or irritated.)
I pray you have good people around you—someone you can confide in and be real with. I don’t expect you all to start a blog and write about the hardships in your lives. Sharing in the way that I share isn’t for everyone :) But I do it with the pursuit of offering you some hope. Marriage is hard. It’s messy and full of tears and lots of cuss words; and it is also beautiful. My biggest take away from my rant above about the couple who divorced, is that it is so important not to idolize ANYONE. We can be disappointed (clearly I’ve felt it), but let’s just be mindful of the information we take in. The biggest reason for me that I feel deceived, is because they were selling me, their reader and listener and viewer, their authentic marriage that just wasn’t really authentic much at all.
What’s your take away on this? What are you learning or have you learned throughout your married (or dating or single!) years? I’d love to hear from you, make sure to comment or shoot me an email here!
