The Walls I Need to Break

Walls.

Have you ever built them?

Around your heart, brick by brick, piece by piece?

December 7th I was diagnosed with Muscular Sclerosis. I handled it all with confidence, peace, and a scary level of stone cold, “I’m fine!” to all I’ve talked with. The truth is, I actually have felt ‘fine’ about the diagnosis. It gave me answers as to why so many different instances my ‘skin hurt,’ and it explained why and what my extreme nerve pain was in November. With the best MS team and an aggressive treatment plan, I have felt “fine.”

Suddenly though, I was thinking really terrible things. Things I don’t even feel comfortable typing within this blog post! Most of them centered around my marriage and for his sake, I’ll keep it as vague as I can here for my husband. We had some things come up, arise, and somewhere within me I just felt like giving up. In the past couple of weeks I have said some really hateful and hurtful things; my shortened version will just be transparent about the fact that giving up was legitimately ON my radar. “What if I just wasn’t here anymore?” was one of my scary to admit thoughts.

I told my mom I didn’t think I could cry. Other than with my extreme post spinal tap migraine, I really hadn’t cried. I told her that I’ve had zero reason to feel the way I’ve felt and definitely to have said the things I’ve said, and then it dawned on me……….

Walls.

Within each time I thought about my MS, and every time I told someone I was doing well and fine and good, I was adding more bricks on and around my heart. In the past couple of weeks, I have felt more annoyed as a mom than I can ever remember. I’ve also felt very unhappy in my work situation and being split schools. When my mom has asked how I am, I’ve respond back, “Everything is just meh right now, Mom. All of it.” Gray. Dreary. Muddy. No, I’m not just describing the way January looks in Kentucky—that’s how I have felt internally.

Oh the difficult conversations Asa and I have had. The tears shed, the nights we did indeed need to go to bed angry with hopes of trying again tomorrow. I haven’t wanted to be touched, I haven’t wanted to be hugged, I have wanted to simply be left alone, in my own little brick bubble.

And then? Realization happened. I have always been prone to creating walls. From a young age I have self-sabotaged lots of things, and sadly have hurt people by doing so. (Just ask my ex boyfriend from high school how I ruined OUR relationship…or maybe, actually don’t.) Psychology Today actually describes a lot of different forms of self-sabotage. There’s a paragraph there that discusses control, this may help you the reader, understand it a little more.

It feels better to control your own failure rather than face the possibility of it blindsiding you and taking you by surprise. Self-sabotage may not be pretty, but it’s better than spinning out of control. At least when you’re steering the ship, going down in flames feels more like a well-maintained burn.

Control / failure…two words that pretty accurately describe my ongoing fears, well before MS. I’ve written about fear of failure SO many times here, you may even remember. With MS, what control do I have? Think about it…I was given a serious new diagnosis, I was shown the multitude of lesions on my brain, and then……..I’m fine? “Going down in flames” is a part in that paragraph that describes how I have felt like navigating life. Asa, my patient, loving, gracious husband—even described to me that instead of working on this a little at at time (specifically an area in our life we need to work on), I’ve wanted to just blow it up and quit. He wasn’t wrong.

Walls.

I have had so many of you reach out to me and DM or text. While I haven’t shared super openly what I have been feeling, lots of of you just know:

“Hang in there. Absorbing and processing a new diagnosis takes time. Give yourself all the grace”

It’s only really BEEN a couple of weeks since I have started feeling the familiar feelings of self-sabotage. Asa and I have had some really great and needed quiet moments though, and have talked so openly about this new to ME feelings of nothingness. I don’t think I can ever say that I’ve struggled with depression, but I guess in a sense, I’m walking through it right now. While at the barn I didn’t even feel joy…I felt annoyed with the mud, the amount of time to groom and clean up and do ALL the hard work; but it never has felt like work to me before now? It’s been my therapy, my happy, my peace. So where to from here? Well, my only option is up. For my kids, my husband, my career, my horses—UP.

Recently I could have stayed in bed and just slept. It was the kids’ screen time, a Friday night when they are allowed to stay up later. I contemplated just not moving…just lying there, in the dark. But thank God I made myself get up. That was not who I wanted to turn in to, that was not a chapter of my story I wanted to start writing.. so I swung my feet onto the floor, called out to Reese and played a handful of card games with her. I promised myself I would be strong for them, for all of us. I know that within my strength, I am struggling.

But I also know that with time, prayer, positive actions, and repetition of doing things that I know are healthy for me, the walls one by one will come down, brick by brick.

Thank you for being here in this space and my life. For praying for me and with me. I plead with you to stick around. Don’t let me or my walls keep you out or away. And to my husband, thank you that within your choosing me, you are loving me so wholly and purely.

When Fighting Doesn't HAVE to Ruin Date Night

When you are out with friends as a married couple, the LAST thing you want to happen is a fight between the two of you. I mean, no one sets out on a night away, planning to laugh and be carefree and to thoroughly enjoy being just the two of you again—and then ruining it with an argument. And I’ve written a blog post before about ‘When You Ruin Date Night,’ but this time I want to flip that scenario.

What if you fight, while on a date with friends, and even though there is still tension and some big feelings, the night doesn’t get RUINED?

This past time, it was 100% Asa’s fault. And he will be perfectly fine with me stating that. We were going out to celebrate a couple of his co-workers graduations from college and their masters program and I was so happy for them! Asa had already in his mind decided that the night was going to be just PERFECT and that I would be the cut loose and giggly / outgoing / extroverted version of myself. Well the truth is, that side of me is VERY few and far between. Thirty-four year old Ashley tends to be more quiet, more introspected, HAPPY still, just not loud or completely carefree. I tend to quietly people watch. Listen. And take the moments in as they come. We had an overnight sitter for the kids, there was zero reason we needed to have an early night in, but I had warned Asa that the later it got, the more I wanted to just get HOME. At one point I literally said, “I want to go home, wash my face, put on my charcoal mask, get in pajamas, and cuddle the dogs.” [Did I mention thirty-four year old me may be super lame??]

He kept asking me if I was okay. Repeatedly. We parked the car at our next destination on Fourth Street and I kept saying, “I’m fine.” In the PAST, me saying, “I’m fine,” didn’t always really mean that I was fine. Even in the 2019 blog post I wrote about ruining date night there’s a paragraph there about how I get quiet and shut down and stop talking when I’m angry or upset. But I wasn’t upset that evening. I wasn’t angry! And I’ve been on a low dose anxiety med for quite some time now and I swear the one thing it does for me is that it simply REGULATES me and my feelings [aka its’ JOB.] I wasn’t feeling overly adventurous or outgoing that night on this date, but I promise you I really was 100% FINE. I was content, I was happy, I was having a good time. Did I want to be in pajamas cuddling my Golden Retrievers? YEP. But I was also FINE being out with my husband.

Things escalated and he wasn’t taking my word for it. He got quite angry and exclaimed, “Well I’m not sure how we’re going to finish this night? I’ll feel like an idiot if I go in there and I’ll feel like an idiot if we just leave.” I clapped my hands together and said, “OR, Asa, we GO INSIDE and we tell the TRUTH that YEAH, we had a fight. YEAH we had a disagreement. YEAH we are frustrated with each other now, but we WILL BE OKAY.”

Everyone there was married [except one] and I was POSITIVE they would understand. Why would we abruptly leave the date and why would we just ACT like everything was hunky dory?? [You see, I wasn’t mad BEFORE this moment in the car. I really was FINE. But the more he pressed and questioned my ‘fineness’ the angrier I felt myself getting. So yeah, I was real annoyed.] It is OKAY for married people to fight. It is OKAY to admit to those in your circle around you that you ARE fighting or were fighting.

We were able to move on, move forward, and get over the silliness—WITHOUT ruining date night.

In 2019 I said,

Asa and I strive to continue having an exceptional marriage, and I am forever thankful for the patient and loving man that he is.

and on this day in 2022 I still believe every word of that sentence. Daily we strive for an exceptional marriage. I also strive to be exceptionally honest. I will always go back in my mind to the Hollis’ and their 100% dishonesty with their fans and listeners. I listened to their podcast often, where they bragged about loving to make out with one another and that they were each other’s best friends, that their marriage was strong and incredible…and then one day, Jen wrote this publicly:

"We have worked endlessly over the last three years to make this work and have come to the conclusion that it is healthier and more respectful for us to choose this as the end of our journey as a married couple.”

THREE YEARS?! Endlessly working on their marriage?? But not ONE podcast about the difficulties and struggles and fights and REALNESS about marriage. Nah, friends. I want to forever be real with you. Asa and I do NOT fight very often, I am incredibly thankful for that. But we still DO fight. Sometimes it happens on date nights, sometimes it happens in our home, sometimes it happens in Target. IT HAPPENS.

I want to end this post with a simple challenge to you, don’t strive for perfection. Strive instead to be with someone who is okay to fight with you and who can take ownership for it at the same time. Who can face friends and people and humbly carry on with the evening. Who isn’t trying to save face or have a public image that LOOKS perfect. But one who fights with you but yet loves you, chooses you, and grows from mistakes.

Walking through Negative Self Image [and Here for You Too!]

If we could keep a literal log of how many times we complimented other people, I wonder what it would be. How quick are we to tell our friend how cute or pretty she looks today, or compliment someone’s hair, outfit, smile, etc. Especially if words of affirmation come naturally to you, I feel like this number would be pretty high, right?

Now about a log for how often you compliment YOURSELF…?

Ouch.

This is a place where honesty and transparency are strong values for me. This is a space where I confide, vent, share, (sometimes overshare), and attempt to uplift or encourage you, wherever you are, whoever you are. So let’s chat just for a minute about where I’m at. Turning 34 in 18 days, mom of two (8 and 9), wife of 13 years, church goer, Jesus lover, full time teacher, horse owner, dog and cat owner, part time photographer, oily obsessed woman.

And that woman is STRUGGLING when she looks in a mirror, or passes by ANYTHING that shows her reflection.

Now that you’ve read that sentence and your brain is processing it—I remind and ask you not to judge. However old of a person or woman you are, PLEASE do not ‘come at me’ for these negative thoughts. If this hasn’t been an area of struggle for you, like ever, than this may not resonate with you, but I think that’s okay. I’ve been a little quiet on “the internet” about this because sometimes I feel more sensitive than I did years ago. (It’s like I’m a giant mixture of Zero F’s to give and ‘ouch that really hurt my feelings’ kinda gal lately??) But the more it’s been sitting in my heart and thoughts the more I’ve asked myself, ‘WHY aren’t you sharing about this??”

So here we are, y’all. Total honesty.

My businesses require me to show my face, a LOT, online. Yep, that was my decision and it’s one honestly I’m pretty proud of. I’ve had no shame really showing up in my Instagram stories ‘chatting with you’ from afar. And we all love the pretty filters (not ALL the filters, good Lord there are some that literally CHANGE our entire FACES…those are disturbing.) But c’mon, SOME filters are what make IG a little more fun! So I have a few favorites. And I’ve noticed LATELY…even with filters, (Midnight Sun is my fave if you’re wondering), I am feeling more insecure than ever about showing my face. And because REAL LIFE does not have HAVE a filter slapped on it, it’s been even MORE hard for me to look in a real mirror or pass by one. At work in the fluorescent bathroom lighting or even in my own home in natural light…I cringe. I complain. I feel burdened and sad (a little depressed honestly) and I’ve cried several times when trying to process it aloud with my husband.

I’m getting older. (Duh, Ashley..) and my face is changing. A LOT. It seems kind of drastic to me the difference in appearance I see within it in the past six months even. For SO long I have complained about ‘baggy’ or ‘puffy eyes’ and each day is different than the one before it. And then while researching I had an AHA moment when I found articles on the tear trough region. OMG THAT’S ME. I realized. My under eye is CHANGING. I’m getting OLDER. I guess I’m losing volume in my cheeks?! And I get asked, OFTEN, if I am tired or if I have been crying. (Thanks..) and the answer is NOPE.

This isn’t a post on tear troughs though. It’s one about negative self image and how I am hoping and praying to work through it.

Lately it feels like a lot. It’s easy for me to struggle with obsessive thoughts (add that to the list of Ashley’s worries) and I tend to be having them a lot with negative self-image. Every year that goes by I keep pushing away. Getting older. It’s obvious. Slightly mundane. And it’s inevitable. I blinked and was suddenly in my thirties—and the same will be true for my forties, fifties, sixties, and beyond (if blessed to live that long right?)

Today I asked my husband to pray with me. Our pastor had a GREAT lesson and during our time of communion left this question on the screen, ‘Other than the cross, what trust structures are you looking to for happiness, significance, and security?’ As I prayed, I knew that I have been placing my trust and security in my self-image. I have been feeling as though my WORTH resides there…that I won’t be as likable or lovable if I don’t love what I see in my reflection. Asa prayed with me when we got home and tears rolled down my cheeks. And then I became annoyed as I said, “SEE? I won’t even let myself REALLY cry because I don’t want my eyes to be even PUFFIER!”

It’s what HE shared with me that I think may help you too, my beloved reader. He has been so sweet and assuring, reminding me often that I need to find my faith and hope in something greater than physical appearances. That our (my) self-image should not be the paramount thing leading and giving me direction and purpose in life. I honestly do not in this moment believe I will wake up in the morning and suddenly LOVE what I see. Nor feel super accepting about it. But how will I react, behave, and live my life out even if that’s the case. My GOAL in life is to be Christ’s Ambassador. To LOVE others: people, coworkers, family, friends, acquaintances, to love YOU.

I feel undeserving of so many in my life who love me. Who have put up with my texts and loved me through my insecurities. I’ve dialogued a lot with one of my sister in law’s about life (so of course THIS topic) and one of her texts almost made me cry. I told Asa that between him, her, and others, I should feel like a Princess. And truthfully, I SHOULD. I KNOW that I am loved. I KNOW that when you look at me, you do not SEE what I see. So perhaps after reading this, you can help me hold me accountable. I may need a gentler spirit these days and a few more affirmations, but just stick with me.

I also want to state that I do not believe it is wrong or sinful to want to look good. I really think we all (most?!?) WANT to feel beautiful. But desiring to look good on the outside should not be our stronghold, it should not be greater than our desire to be one with God. I’ve needed a ginormous reality check and believe me, I’ve had one. I don’t think I instantly become more secure after reading affirmations or even praying (often), but my goal is to continue to show up ANYWAY. Love others MORE than I love myself. Love my husband and kids and family and friends and YOU, more than I care about my tear troughs. [Okay, typing that just made me giggle a little. I 100% realize how silly this may sound to you, my tolerant reader.]

If you need a virtual hug, shoot me an email. Let’s connect. I’m here for you and I am so thankful that you are here for me too.

A Spouse or a Roommate?

I always promise to be real with you all here. So this isn’t a blog post that I am necessarily PROUD to write? But one that I feel is super important to put out there.

Recently I had an incredibly convicting conversation with my husband. And I have a feeling I won’t be the only woman / spouse / person who has struggled with this.

“ I feel like we are simply coinciding. Like we are roommates and best friends. Not like our marriage is thriving or doing the best that it can.”

Ouch, right? Except it was so needed. I can have a tendency to go nonstop. So when the kids are down and it’s 9 o’clock at night, instead of spending time with my husband, I will brainstorm my side businesses. I’ll write newsletters to my oil customers, I’ll check in on my Young Living team, I’ll edit photos. And when I’m in those modes? The last thing I want is to be INTIMATE. So I just won’t be. Or I’ll shut him down. Or sometimes I’m even MEAN!

So let’s talk about intimacy.

Truthfully, and I’ve always been honest about this here, it’s been a struggle for me our entire marriage. This is due to past obstacles that I have had to face, and decisions I made when I was younger, that definitely were NOT the best for me or for my future husband (hence, how at 33 years old I still struggle.) I’ve blocked a lot of things out from a really bad period in my life when I was 18 years old and working for a much older horse trainer. I’ve never had REAL therapy about it (yes, I know I SHOULD), and I’m only writing this to share a little bit of a back story to help you see a glimpse into my ‘why’ I may struggle.

Asa has never been ANYTHING except patient, loving, selfless, and gracious through it all. Now, I’m not saying I freak out out or have panic attacks or anything. MOST of the time I thoroughly ENJOY when I can let myself relax and be present and intimate with my husband. But that’s kinda the problem…allowing myself to let go and putting a PRIORITY on my husband, is something I have severely been slacking at lately.

So we talked about it!

It’s also not JUST about the sex (there, I said it.) It is about the fact that I have put priorities on friends, members, my business, my HORSES; I will schedule all sorts of stuff and plan things and then it’s late at night and I’ve worked (taught) all day, and then mommed and worked some more late at night. He doesn’t deserve that! He doesn’t deserve to be treated simply like a friend, one who I ‘work into’ my schedule.

Timothy Keller in his book, “The Meaning of Marriage,” says something that I think is so beautiful and true:

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”

Not that I think my love has ever DRIED up for Asa. But I think I have had moments where I forgot to show love! I needed the reminder from HIM, as my precious and loving husband, to do the acts of love. To make time for him. To put the laptop away and watch a damn tv show with him. To set intentional date nights on our deck to be together. To laugh with him more, to ASK how I can help him, to pay attention more. To kiss him more deeply, to FLIRT, to joke, and to love.

Am I now the best at this and completely out of the woods because I’m sharing this vulnerable blog post? Nope. But my eyes have been opened. And I pray to God Asa never stops pursuing a magnificent marriage with me. I pray he NEVER stops choosing me or helping me learn how to be better.

We are almost thirteen years into marriage! I remember getting in our car and pulling away from our wedding at the age of TWENTY, wondering what a decade of marriage would look like. “Do you think we’ll be married for like THIRTY years?” I asked him. “I sure hope so,” he said. “You would be FIFTY…..” (My math skills aren’t the greatest, y’all and thirty sounded SO far.)

As I close here, I want to add that if you haven’t read The Meaning of Marriage, I can’t recommend it enough. Here is one more quote that I just love:

“What marriage is for: It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be.”

I WANT to be best friends with Asa. He IS my best friend. But at the same time, I think it is equally important that I am a WIFE to him. I am so thankful that we have been able to have BIG conversations throughout our marriage (here’s a blog post that talks about that!) I am so humbled by his love.

Can you relate? Have you gone through this with your spouse? Shoot me an email or comment and let’s connect. I’d love to be an ear for you if you need; both Asa and I really love trying to help married people love each other well.