The Walls I Need to Break

Walls.

Have you ever built them?

Around your heart, brick by brick, piece by piece?

December 7th I was diagnosed with Muscular Sclerosis. I handled it all with confidence, peace, and a scary level of stone cold, “I’m fine!” to all I’ve talked with. The truth is, I actually have felt ‘fine’ about the diagnosis. It gave me answers as to why so many different instances my ‘skin hurt,’ and it explained why and what my extreme nerve pain was in November. With the best MS team and an aggressive treatment plan, I have felt “fine.”

Suddenly though, I was thinking really terrible things. Things I don’t even feel comfortable typing within this blog post! Most of them centered around my marriage and for his sake, I’ll keep it as vague as I can here for my husband. We had some things come up, arise, and somewhere within me I just felt like giving up. In the past couple of weeks I have said some really hateful and hurtful things; my shortened version will just be transparent about the fact that giving up was legitimately ON my radar. “What if I just wasn’t here anymore?” was one of my scary to admit thoughts.

I told my mom I didn’t think I could cry. Other than with my extreme post spinal tap migraine, I really hadn’t cried. I told her that I’ve had zero reason to feel the way I’ve felt and definitely to have said the things I’ve said, and then it dawned on me……….

Walls.

Within each time I thought about my MS, and every time I told someone I was doing well and fine and good, I was adding more bricks on and around my heart. In the past couple of weeks, I have felt more annoyed as a mom than I can ever remember. I’ve also felt very unhappy in my work situation and being split schools. When my mom has asked how I am, I’ve respond back, “Everything is just meh right now, Mom. All of it.” Gray. Dreary. Muddy. No, I’m not just describing the way January looks in Kentucky—that’s how I have felt internally.

Oh the difficult conversations Asa and I have had. The tears shed, the nights we did indeed need to go to bed angry with hopes of trying again tomorrow. I haven’t wanted to be touched, I haven’t wanted to be hugged, I have wanted to simply be left alone, in my own little brick bubble.

And then? Realization happened. I have always been prone to creating walls. From a young age I have self-sabotaged lots of things, and sadly have hurt people by doing so. (Just ask my ex boyfriend from high school how I ruined OUR relationship…or maybe, actually don’t.) Psychology Today actually describes a lot of different forms of self-sabotage. There’s a paragraph there that discusses control, this may help you the reader, understand it a little more.

It feels better to control your own failure rather than face the possibility of it blindsiding you and taking you by surprise. Self-sabotage may not be pretty, but it’s better than spinning out of control. At least when you’re steering the ship, going down in flames feels more like a well-maintained burn.

Control / failure…two words that pretty accurately describe my ongoing fears, well before MS. I’ve written about fear of failure SO many times here, you may even remember. With MS, what control do I have? Think about it…I was given a serious new diagnosis, I was shown the multitude of lesions on my brain, and then……..I’m fine? “Going down in flames” is a part in that paragraph that describes how I have felt like navigating life. Asa, my patient, loving, gracious husband—even described to me that instead of working on this a little at at time (specifically an area in our life we need to work on), I’ve wanted to just blow it up and quit. He wasn’t wrong.

Walls.

I have had so many of you reach out to me and DM or text. While I haven’t shared super openly what I have been feeling, lots of of you just know:

“Hang in there. Absorbing and processing a new diagnosis takes time. Give yourself all the grace”

It’s only really BEEN a couple of weeks since I have started feeling the familiar feelings of self-sabotage. Asa and I have had some really great and needed quiet moments though, and have talked so openly about this new to ME feelings of nothingness. I don’t think I can ever say that I’ve struggled with depression, but I guess in a sense, I’m walking through it right now. While at the barn I didn’t even feel joy…I felt annoyed with the mud, the amount of time to groom and clean up and do ALL the hard work; but it never has felt like work to me before now? It’s been my therapy, my happy, my peace. So where to from here? Well, my only option is up. For my kids, my husband, my career, my horses—UP.

Recently I could have stayed in bed and just slept. It was the kids’ screen time, a Friday night when they are allowed to stay up later. I contemplated just not moving…just lying there, in the dark. But thank God I made myself get up. That was not who I wanted to turn in to, that was not a chapter of my story I wanted to start writing.. so I swung my feet onto the floor, called out to Reese and played a handful of card games with her. I promised myself I would be strong for them, for all of us. I know that within my strength, I am struggling.

But I also know that with time, prayer, positive actions, and repetition of doing things that I know are healthy for me, the walls one by one will come down, brick by brick.

Thank you for being here in this space and my life. For praying for me and with me. I plead with you to stick around. Don’t let me or my walls keep you out or away. And to my husband, thank you that within your choosing me, you are loving me so wholly and purely.

Normalizing Therapy and Being Aware of Our Kids' Struggles

My first born. The one who made me Mama. This little boy has grown so fast and as cliché as it always feels to say it, time has flown by…this kiddo heads to FOURTH grade in August and I just shake my head in amazement and bewilderment that this can be possible.

He is really the most empathetic, kindest, respectful, obedient, and SWEETEST child. You know how you go through stages with each kid (if you have more than one) and it seems at one time or the other, one is the ‘easier’ kid? As soon as there seems to be a good rhythm, the other kiddo slips or is going through a challenge. ‘Buttons are never on at the same time,’ my mom worded perfectly!

Pierson’s typically the easier one, as in, doesn’t give us a run for our money with being strong willed and argumentative (ahem…) and maybe that’s a first born thing? I have no idea, I am the youngest and my daughter absolutely gets those genes from me I think. But lately, it hasn’t even been attitude or behaviors that are changing and making us puzzled as parents…it’s the fact that he’s struggled more emotionally than we’ve been able to grasp recently. The past couple of months he has been anxious, and sad. He genuinely seems to struggle with being away from us. At times his smile and melodic laugh seem so distant. We’ve always thought Pierson’s laugh was the absolute best, and some days its just missing.

This summer we have sought out a therapist and praise the Lord she could meet with him right away. It seems that he is going through some severe separation anxiety (especially from his dad) and before Asa and I take a big trip out West in a few weeks, we wanted to try to get Pierson some extra support. He’s gone to school with his dad since he was in kindergarten; riding to and from, and often Asa has even worked IN his classrooms servicing other kiddos. His dad’s always, well, been there! Sure that’s a great thing!! Who would complain about that when looking back on their kids’ growing up years?! But right now, it’s pretty tough! The pandemic did NOT help and we really didn’t know the aftermath affects it would have on our children. (Reese seems to be okay?? But you never know!) We were home together ALL the time. All day every day. Except the more we’ve thought about it, I would come and go WAY more than Asa would and does.

I have my horses thirty minutes away—so almost every day I would spend HOURS at the barn. Our kids have always been used to me having side businesses and photo sessions that take me away from the house. I tend to be more of the busy bee, and Pierson has gotten so used to Asa, ALWAYS being there. On our recent trip to Gulfport, Asa went back to the hotel room to grab some drinks and snacks (mind you, RIGHT across from the beach where we were playing), and Pierson asked me probably twenty times when his dad would be back, why his dad hadn’t came back yet, and could he text him. Asa was gone all of 15 minutes, so this wasn’t a LONG period of time. There is so much more I could write and share, but I think I will just say it’s obvious Pierson will hopefully benefit from talking with more of a professional. I plan to share more later and update the situation—maybe I will even offer more of the back story behind this. For now though, we’d love your prayers!

He has been so wonderful about it and about meeting with her. Reese has asked questions sometimes about therapy and ‘what it is,’ and we are always completely open and transparent with each of them; I say WE ALL need therapy! And that it’s a good friend for Pierson to talk to who can help him walk through his thoughts and any problems or heavy emotions he’s experiencing.

I hope and pray that he will grow through this. I know he WILL. And I also hope that I can be a patient, empathetic, and good mom through it all.

And friends, please never be scared of the T word…THERAPY. Honest to God I think every human being would benefit from having a professional therapist or counselor to talk to. We ALL have something to work through at some point in our lives and sometimes it’s just nice to have someone other than a spouse or family member to talk through our STUFF with. If you need recommendations in the Louisville area I’d love to try to help you find someone, and if you ever have questions about kids and mental health, I’d love to talk with you too. I work in a children’s’ psychiatric hospital full time and while I am NOT a professional counselor or licensed therapist, I know a fair share about loving kiddos in their struggles.

Don’t Let Derailed Plans Derail You

When we bought the house we are currently in, it was practically brand new. Well, five years old but that’s pretty darn new, especially since the one we moved OUT of was over 100-years old. I think for me, I assumed this house would be perfectly fine, a-okay, hunky dory, and really never cause us any ‘issues’ because it was so ‘new.’ But as I sit here reflecting, I’m reminded we didn’t have even a fraction of the problems in our old house that we do here… NEW doesn’t always mean better! I’m a big lesson person, and I believe there is generally a lesson to be learned from almost everything; so I want to share some that I’m learning in this current phase of life.

Things Don’t Go According to Plan

We all know this, right? We make plans and set goals and while sometimes things work out great, often they do not. Asa and I were so excited for the downfall of snow we got in February, never thinking twice about it damaging anything. I grew up in Michigan with feet of snow dumping on my childhood home every single winter. I know my parents house has had some leaking issues in the basement, but it never had ice damming on the roof! I never even knew that was a thing if I’m being honest, until now. We were hit hard with both snow AND ice, and very quickly we started to see water spots on the ceiling….we knew things were getting really not fun when the hardwood floors starting bowing and changing in texture—YIKES.

Thank the Lord FOR homeowners’ insurance, truthfully! We put in a claim and before we even had to time to think really, a crew was out looking at our house. And then REALLY before we knew it, floors were being ripped apart, drywall was getting replaced, and fans were blowing for 48 hours making sure everything was nice and dry. Our walls got a fresh coat of white paint (literally the whole entire first floor) and the last thing has been to get the hardwoods repaired and redone. Which is where we are currently…

Packers came and packed up our first floor, then movers came and moved it all out. We’ve had nowhere to sit for four days and we’ve been sleeping on our bedroom floor like poor college kids. ;) At the end of this though, imagine how incredible our house is going to look and feel? Things didn’t go according to plan but in the end, it sure will look better! (Please, God, no more needs for home owner claims……..) Don’t let derailed plans derail you, it’s 100% part of life and I think what makes the good SO good.

Take Things in Stride

I sat in my closet on the floor, in the dark, with the door shut, taking very deep breaths. It had rained ALL weekend long, the kids were so bored and their noise levels were echoing throughout the very empty first floor. This was Sunday night…after Asa and I had packed the kids suitcases, ours, and we were going through the house trying to figure out and gather what we would need for a week spent OUT of our house. Monday we would move into a rental home for the week, as our hardwood floors get finished.

I realized I had a deadline for a brand that was going to be very challenging to complete and I was starting to internally freak out. I grabbed one of my favorite essential oils, Valor, (if you don’t have it, you need it) and took deep breaths. Then, my sweet, sweet husband opened the closet door and closed it behind him. He sat WITH me there, and walked me through the next day. He encouraged me to email the brand and ask for a 24 hour extension (praise God they’re awesome and gave it to us!) and after I had that moment…I reminded myself that one, I am incredibly blessed and two, it’s okay to slow down and catch your breathe. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed and to stress ourselves out with the MANY challenges we may be facing, but when we take them in stride, it is so much easier to function!

Being Happy with Less

Our first floor has been empty for DAYS. No couch or chair in the living room, no dining room table, no kitchen table, no bar stools…so we’ve had to do life a little differently. Our meals have been either outside on the deck or upstairs in the family room. Our dogs and cats at first looked around, confused; but really, as long as they have their people, they are happy. And the same goes for us! We have had each other and while it’s looked really differently, we still have so much to be joyful about. Having a beautiful home is always something that means a lot to me, (a blog post about it here), but having less doesn’t mean our happiness has to be sacrificed. It was really eye opening to stand in our empty living room, with the bare walls, and to hug each other tightly knowing really, THAT was all that mattered—we have each other. Wherever we are, no matter what is going on, regardless of what life looks like—we are strong because we have one another.

Mama’s Mood Matters

I have never liked the phrase ‘happy wife, happy life,’ because I wholeheartedly agree the same can be said for having a happy HUSBAND. But what I’ve learned a LOT over the years, especially the older our kids are getting…is that my mood often sets the tone for the household. That sounds like a lot of pressure, doesn’t it? Ha. But you probably know what I mean. Negative emotions are contagious, but so are POSITIVE. Me, as a mom, realizes I may need to become more and more mindful of this. What kind of mood do we want to inspire in others? Being in touch with MY emotions and what I’m offering others…is one, another reason I’m thankful for my essential oils (ha) and two, another reason I’m thankful to have a husband who helps me stay in check!

What’s going on in your world right now? Have you done any house renovations that shook you? It’s hard to believe we are half way through April right now, isn’t it? I’m thankful for spring, for change, and I am looking forward to being back home!

A Springtime Cake That Tastes like Sunshine

It’s a first for us to make a gluten AND dairy free cake, and guess what, it was a HUGE success! I did a paid sponsorship with a plant based butter company who wanted an Easter themed recipe; our wheels were spinning and Pinterest came to the rescue (as usual) as we stumbled upon One Lovely Life’s blog and therefore, THIS recipe! This is a bright and tangy lemon cake that not only photographs beautifully, it tastes delectable. Want to give it a whirl? Here’s how:

FOR THE LEMON CAKE:

• 1/2 cup milk (We used unsweetened almond milk)

• 3 Tbsp lemon juice

• 3/4 cup sugar (you can use organic cane sugar, we used regular)

• 2 Tbsp lemon zest (about 2 lemons’ worth)

• 1/2 cup vegan butter (that’s where my sponsorship came in, we used Flora Plant Butter)

• 3 eggs

• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

• 1 3/4 cup gluten free all purpose flour baking blend (like Bob’s Red Mill 1-to-1 Baking Flour)

• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder

• 1/4 tsp baking soda

• 1/2 tsp salt

FOR THE LEMON-HONEY SYRUP:

• 1 Tbsp honey

• 2 Tbsp lemon juice

FOR THE LEMON GLAZE:

• 1 Tbsp lemon juice

• 2 Tbsp milk (We used almond milk)

• 1/2 tsp vanilla

• 2 cups powdered sugar, sifted

FOR THE CAKE (recipe from One Lovely Life)

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9″ cake pan with spray oil and line the bottom with a parchment paper circle*

2. In a liquid measuring cup (or a small bowl), combine lemon juice and milk. Let sit for about 5 minutes.

3. While the lemon juice and milk is sitting, rub lemon zest into the sugar in a large bowl. This gets the lemon oil into the sugar and distributes the flavor really well.

4. Add milk mixture, butter (or avocado oil), eggs, and vanilla. Whisk until well combined.

5. In a medium bowl, stir together flour blend, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Stir the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and mix until just combined. (Or you can simply sprinkle the dry ingredients over the wet before stirring)

6. Pour into your prepared 9″ cake pan.

7. Bake at 350 degrees F for 25-30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

8. Place on a cooling rack in the pan for 10 minutes to cool slightly before turning out onto a plate.

9. While the cake cools slightly, mix up your lemon honey syrup (see below)

10. After 10 minutes cooling in the pan, turn the cake out onto a plate or cake stand and brush with the still-warm cake with lemon honey syrup.

11. When the cake has cooled completely, top with glaze.

FOR THE LEMON-HONEY SYRUP:

1. Stir together lemon juice and honey. Brush over the cake when it’s still quite warm (as soon after removing the cake from the cake pan as you can). Let cake brushed with syrup cool completely before adding the glaze.

FOR THE LEMON GLAZE:

1. Sift powdered sugar into a large bowl. Add lemon juice, milk, and vanilla. Whisk or beat until smooth. (Ideally, you want the glaze to be opaque and to hold its shape when it drips down the sides of the cake. If yours is too thin, add more powdered sugar 1 Tbsp at a time. If it’s too thick, add more milk 1 teaspoon at a time until you reach the right consistency.)

2. Pour glaze over your cooled cake and gently spread it toward the edges. Let some of the glaze run down the sides. Let set completely before cutting and serving.

NUTRITION FACTS: SERVES 12
CALORIES 301

We don’t make a lot of gluten free recipes (like…never….) BUT Bob’s Red Mill 1-to-1 Baking Flour is a cup-for-cup substitute for white flour in recipes like this, and it is still a light, fluffy result very similar to traditional flour.

You could turn this recipe into cupcakes (how cute would that be??) and the fruit on top is totally your choice!! We love blueberries, strawberries and raspberries so we went with that!

Though we don’t eat a ton of desserts or sweets, lemon is definitely always a win in our household. Reese especially with this cake has loved it and has eaten a small slice the past few nights after her dinner. If you make it, tell me in the comments or post a favorite cake recipe of your own!