Seeing Them, and Being Seen BY Them

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” -Simone Weil

“See me, Mom? Mommy did you see? Mom, did you SEE?” I remember our kids saying that, often. It was also “Watch, Mom, watch. Mommy, watch me!” While they still ask that sometimes, it is very rare! One is turning eleven in ONE month, the other is nine. Today’s church lesson was such a good reminder and conviction that though my kids are growing and not necessarily asking to be seen, giving them each attention is one of the best things that I can and will do for them.

The pastor today mentioned how allowing our kids to use the gifts God gave them, instead of forcing our own opinions and ‘should do’s’ on them, is going to be life changing. I wonder what paths they will walk. What colleges they will choose. What their first jobs will be. Who will they marry? Will they want kids, have kids, be able to have kids? What careers will they be in, what will their hobbies be, what will they remember?

I want my kids to be seen by me. At the end of their busiest, hardest, saddest, most exciting, most exhilarating, most trying days…to know that I am theirs.

I woke today with a hand typed letter from my son and a homemade card from my daughter. Both cards read so uniquely and vastly differently from each other’s, and both made me feel SO loved and so cherished. My son and my daughter are very different from one another—it is fascinating and humbling to watch their lives unfold before me.

I want to share parts from each’s here.

My son’s first:

“…don’t let me or anyone else say you are small. If anyone says that, they do not know what they are talking about. You’ve fallen off horses, gone to the hospital, you have MS, there are so many things that not even the tallest person in the world could handle, but YOU can. Sometimes I don’t recognize how much you do…I want you to never feel like I don’t see you what you do. I don’t think there will be enough paper in the world to write to you how grateful I truly am…..”

And my sweet girl’s:

…”thank you for helping me get cozy in my bed! It helped me a lot. I love that you hold my hand every night! Thank. you for teaching me to ride a horse! I love you so much! I can’t believe this is your 10th Mother’s Day! I use exclamation points so much…”

Pierson’s notes remind me of me when I was his age and how I would leave notes on MY mom’s pillow at bedtime. And Reese’s just makes me genuinely laugh because 1) I use exclamation points a lOT, and 2) I could only aspire to be as carefree as she is! I can see both of my kid’s love languages within their handwritten notes to me for today…my son is so much words of affirmation and my daughter’s is quality time. I see that. I know that. I confidently stand by that they’ve been this way since they were toddlers and first figuring out how to be individual people.

Lastly I wanted to share a blurb about husbands. Have you heard or seen the quote, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother?” Henry Ward Beecher said that and I wanted to take a second to praise and love on my husband here. Today he wrote in a handwritten letter:

“In 2011 when we agreed it was time for a baby, we had no idea. In each season we have struggled and thrived as parents. Not because either of us is GREAT at it, but because we have each other. You are the calm to my loud…the gentle to my strength. The tenderness to my rough. The listening ear to my problem solving. My pause to my go…YOU complete this family. There were a million reasons we were and weren’t ready, but whether we were ready or not, YOU were the only reason I needed to say yes. You are ALL of my reasons.”

Life is short, it is tough, and it is fleeting. It was yesterday I was holding a newborn in my arms, and today I have two almost adolescents. Yesterday I was twenty years old and walking down the aisle, and today it has been almost fifteen years that I said I Do.

I see my people. Every ounce of me sees, hears, feels, and senses them. It is like I have a hundred hearts walking around outside of my chest, simply from being loved by THEM. May I always find the attention. May I always seek to love them more. May THEY always be seen by ME.

A Letter to My Ten Year Old Son

Ten years of you, my dear boy. Ten glorious, beautiful, BLESSED, years with you. I am so thankful the Lord trusted us to be YOURS. At 11:11am on 6/15/12, you were born into this big, scary, ever changing world. 

I was thinking, what have I learned in these ten years of being your mama? Well, the first is that time is fragile. You can’t stop it, or catch it, or hold it with your fingers. It slips through our fingers and truthfully, the cliche saying, “The days are long but the years are so fast,” couldn’t be more true for how I feel. 

Double digits. Wow, that is YOU, today. You are tall. Your long legs are so lean and strong. You love to play sports and have a new interest in soccer, which has been fun to watch. You are incredibly smart, and I can so see you being a savvy engineer one day. Maybe not. Maybe you’ll be a teacher. Or a doctor. Or a scientist. Maybe you’ll be a college athlete. Time will tell. And as I said, we already know that will feel like all too soon. 

The world needs you, Pierson Clive. You are a wonderful, brave, adventurous little boy that is going to change so many lives. You’ve changed mine, sweet boy. Oh how you have changed mine. 

In just ten more years, you will be twenty. Will you still be at home? Living with me and Dad? Going to a local college, maybe U of L? Again, time will tell. I can’t think about how there may be only “eight more summers” that you spend with me at home. My mind will explode and my heart will surely shatter. Instead I will be so thankful for what I do have with you—the time, the laughter, the memories, the hugs, the still nightly back tickles and you asking me to sing a bedtime song. 

The world is work, Pierson. There may be an easy route, a simpler path, but that doesn’t always make it right. I pray that you have work ethic, and grit. That you realize how sweet success is when you have put a little sweat into it. But beyond the physical work, my son, the world is full of emotional work as well. I pray that you will love dearly every version of you. I also pray that you will know and love and cling to Jesus. In every part of your life. That you will trust Him with the answers, and you will always seek Him first. In the good times and the bad, happy and sad…I promise He is walking with you.

Oh how you will change these next few months, these next years. Be quirky, goofy, curious, and believe in yourself even when others do not. And know this, whatever phase and stage you are in, your dad and I and SO MANY PEOPLE, believe in you. 

We love you. All ten years of you. The ups and downs, the funny and everything in between. I hope you look back on these ten years and smile. Knowing that we have loved every single second with YOU.

Happy 10th birthday, Pierson. Mama loves you so dang much.

A Thank You to 2020

Can we just take a moment, and bear with me, to thank 2020 for all the lessons it taught us??

For better or worse, it happened, Y’all. In January of 2020 there is no way we were considering a global pandemic that would literally shut the country DOWN just months later! Nearly 2 million deaths, an economic monstrosity, and on top of covid-19, the innumerable racial injustices and tension that broke hearts and families. 2020 was hard. It was full of adversity and it disrupted every single person’s life.

But within a year full of ALL of that, I am also eternally grateful for the things that I learned. As a wife, a mom, a teacher, a woman. Grace, authenticity, growth, humility, grit, determination, relationships, the importance of family, faith, hope, and how to be present—how about all of this just to name a few lessons?

I thank 2020 for teaching me so much. I thank it for allowing (forcing really) more time with my family and especially children, then ever before. My ‘time off’ four years ago (January-May 2016) wasn’t even filled with this much ‘togetherness.’ More time outdoors; walks and hikes, and the year that got me back into distance running.

In 2019 I didn’t think too much about a lot of things or maybe I should say, I didn’t appreciate them. Going into a bakery for a fresh donut, or sipping coffee in a coffee shop? What about hosting friends and family; gathering people into our home and fellowshipping—in person? Life without masks…seeing someone’s smile, or frown, or emotions, period. Not being fearful of someone coughing nearby or expecting the worst when they do. When viruses were simply viruses, not death sentences.

I began to find happiness in the simple things, more than ever before. As a 32-year old woman, I realized the very best things and the very best people are literally within these walls. (Okay, that’s not entirely true. They’re also at a barn thirty minutes away but you know what I mean.) We’ve always heard the phrase, “life is too short,” but now we can see so much (too much) proof of that. We live in a world of ‘go go go,’ and Asa and I have talked often about how weirdly thankful we are that we have HAD to slow WAY down. We haven’t been able to make plans every weekend. We couldn’t host, we couldn’t do date nights, and the kids haven’t had a sport to go to or be a part of in, um, forever. Will we be thankful when we get to welcome those beautiful things into our lives again? Absolutely! But let’s never forget how much more present we have been and how much more mindful too.

‘When life returns to normal,’ is a phrase I’ve heard a lot too. When will it ever be normal again? What is normal? Here’s my honest opinion. I don’t want life to return back to ‘normal.’ That’s like asking to go back in time and undoing all the beautiful things that we just learned and reaped. TRUTHS: I would love a world without masks. I would love a world where we don’t live in fear. I would love to have friends and family over for dinner and drinks without thinking twice about it. But the old normal we all had, was abnormal in so many ways. Perhaps in 2021 we learn to grieve the once normalcies we had and fight hard as a family and as humanity, to create a NEW normal.

As a believer of Christ, I believe every single day we are getting closer to meeting our Maker. Whether that’s when He comes back and returns to US, or when it’s our time to go; with that said, I also believe the Bible is the Word of God and that life will only continue to point to HIM. 2021 won’t bring magical ease. It won’t be a year of less pain or suffering. But do you know what I believe and hope for? That it will be a year we get to love EVEN more than we did in 2020. That we can open our arms and physically help and love those in need; and that we can lean on each other in big, AWESOME ways. And that we continue to spread the love of Jesus wherever our days may take us.

All of you have been seeking a New Year, and well, now it’s here. IT’S HERE! Please don’t take that lightly. And thank you, 2020, for the year of self-reflection, of gratitude, slow growth, and for the recharge to begin again.

The Christmas Blues: Do you Have Them Too?

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s a familiar feeling at times, as my kids are getting older...Christmas Eve comes (out of NOWHERE), and the day is generally sweet and magical. And then it’s gone. Christmas Day comes (even quicker) and the presents are opened, trash picked up, and the emptiness under the tree just stares at me. It’s not about the gifts (or the lack thereof), it’s just the reminder that the Holiday has come and gone, once again...and when it returns in a year, my kids will be even older, and things may be less magical. 

In the silence of our house on December 25th, with the kids and even my husband sound asleep...I look at the dark tree, and the fireplace that doesn’t have a fire blazing within it. (It needs to be cleaned from the day before, and our tree lights were on a timer that I didn’t feel like turning back on.) It was dark. It was quiet. And I sat there reflecting on the day. Could it have been better? Was I wrong to get the kids iPads when I already loathe screen time anyway? Did I keep my patience the best that I could? Did I share the gospel of Jesus WELL enough with my family? 

December 26th comes...I finally sleep in. My body apparently finally relaxed and I slept soundly until 10:30 in the morning. (Thank God for a husband who wakes earlier and who doesn’t mind his wife sleeping in…) I pour a cup of coffee and immediately just feel--OFF. Not mad, not sad, not angry, not happy, not anything, just off. I look around and while we’ve done a pretty great job at keeping clutter/messes to a minimum, I am even more frustrated by the clumps of Golden Retriever hair floating in the corners and (very few) dishes in the sink. I checked the temperatures outside often, wondering whether I should run outside or not...if I should go to the barn and ride, or not. Ultimately I decided to get into warm running attire and head out. I prayed my knee could handle it, that my lungs wouldn’t burn too much from the cold, and that I could do at least six miles. With the music in my ears, I took deep breaths and I took off. The pavement underneath me felt like a punching bag for my feet. With every mile, I felt lighter, and lighter, more accomplished, more okay. 

Half way through the run I paused on a bridge that overlooked a mostly frozen creek. I thanked God for my strength, for legs that can so far do this, and for loving me, even when I feel unlovable. The day has generally and still feels OFF for me. The run was great, I feel thankful to have gotten it done...but my brain is still trying to figure out what it’s thinking. I mean really; I can’t stop thinking about my businesses, what more I can do for them, about school or work starting back in a week, about motherhood and if I’m doing alright? 

This post is a conundrum post. I can’t explain how I’m feeling, not well anyway. So I guess the moral of it is that I feel like at least one person reading this may be feeling something similar, and I think it’s okay. It’s okay to have the Christmas Blues--that’s what I’m declaring this. The twinkly lights will soon be taken down, the tree put away, and while you may be wondering why that matters? I mean, you may not be a Christmas lover like me, so it might not seem like a huge deal. But it’s bigger than Christmas I think...I think it’s the letdown of the beautiful anticipation that December has been to me. And I’ve said it before...I’m struggling in this current season of motherhood and I am trying so hard to pray and trust and to find contentment in the stages that my children are in. 

I sit here and remember their first, second, third, fourth Christmases...when your son doesn’t come into the living room and say, “That’s from Target!” about his Santa gift...when their hands and wrists still had those baby dimples in them. When you were able to rock them in rocking chairs while you stared at the twinkly lights, thinking back then, maybe you were excited for them to be a bit older and bigger and to need you a little less. 

The Christmas Blues. Does this make sense? Mamas...can you feel this tonight? I’m hitting POST, and praying as I do. Tomorrow is a new day. New strength, new thoughts, new memories, new laughter, and more love. If you needed this post, will you let me know? Email me or comment below. I’d love to give you a virtual hug and be here in this walk of adulting and parenting with you.