I wouldn’t say I am afraid of a lot of things, but there seems to be a pattern for me. As a hard worker and an ‘achiever’ mindset kinda gal, I live a face paced and busy lifestyle. The one word (that I’ve definitely blogged about before) that seems to surface from time to time is this:
F A I L U R E
Now I know, no one LIKES failing. And the interesting thing to me is that I wouldn’t ever call myself a failure. But when I evaluate the fear I am facing, I can see that deep down it feels like failing and I fear it so badly.
Over three years ago I had my ‘traumatic fall’ (as I call it) off my Paddy. Y’all know that. The fall was so bad, my face was so bashed up, and the perineum tear I experienced was well, nothing you want to hear abut here. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to work through the FEAR of riding him, ever again. I constantly doubted if I could ride WELL, at least. Or that I’d be able to trust him. Three years later, I take that boy all across open fields and work so hard in the arena, trotting and cantering and learning how to be a team. It’s been so fun and incredible to feel the growth with Paddy. (Don’t misinterpret me, he and I are always learning. And sometimes, I DO feel fear while upon his back, but oh man it’s been awesome to be able to work through it.)
I can’t chalk our growth and my ability to ride him freely just up to ME though. I had a helper. A beautiful, sweet, saint of a helper—and his name is Rocco.
Recently Rocco and I had our first major scare, together. It’s a very long story that truthfully I don’t want to bore my non-horsey readers with, but the moral of the story is that he is even more scared of my Paddy and the other geldings in Paddy’s field, than I ever realized. (We recently switched Rocco fields to be with the ‘good boys,’ two other older and more docile horses than Paddy’s field—who tend to be territorial and more Alpha in behaviors.) While riding Rocco PAST his old pasture, Paddy approached him (keep in mind, IN his pasture), pinned his ears back at Rocco, and Rocco lost his mind. He spun and backed up and ran into the fence behind him, and tried to bolt and did all the things and I was freaking OUT.
I am just not experienced ENOUGH to have been able to help him work through that, especially ON his back. I yelled, I reacted, I was gripped with fear. It was a terrible feeling…one that I was familiar with before. And I hated it.
F E A R
“One of the greatest threats to mental and emotional health is fear…it sends us into fits of anxiety and panic,” (-Rebekah Lyons)
I ended up dismounting (truthfully I thought I was for SURE going to fall off) and I was so angry. And I felt so BAD for being so angry. I felt like in a split second, my confidence was ripped away from me, while on my confidence boosting horse. I led him back to the barn, got back on, and rode to the arena. Riding to the arena was fine. I wasn’t scared or fearful to be on his back. But the thought of going back down that driveway and potentially riding past Paddy’s field again?? That I couldn’t handle…Back in the barn, tears started streaming. As I replayed the events to my barn friends, I confessed what a failure I was feeling like. (Thank God for barn sisters to hug and to preach rational truth into me!)
…”Instead of avoiding the things we fear, we might consider confronting them. Fear holds us back and keeps us believing the lie that we aren’t strong enough, brave enough, or mentally tough enough to break out of our ruts…”
It’s been two days. I am itching to get back to the barn and to hug Rocco again. I know he is struggling with anxiety (with those particular horses for some reason) and I know he needs me. He needs me to be strong…to be calm, to be patient, to be CONFIDENT. My trainer gently reminded me, “Sometimes we need them for confidence, and other times they need us for confidence.” I know horses are majestic creatures. I know they speak their own language, they feel deeply, and they can be such sensitive souls. I feel a lot of fear even thinking about riding down the driveway again, in the event he bolts and spooks and spins all over again. But I am making an action plan and know that taking baby steps to beat back fear, for both us, is going to be okay.
You don’t have to love horses to be able to relate to this post, at least I don’t think so. All of us have had crippling fear at one point or another. One of you reading this is working through fear of your own. Maybe it’s fear of sickness, fear of failure in your marriage or workplace, perhaps it is fear of losing a friend or community. What fears or anxieties do YOU need to overcome? Try making a list and then work through ways you can begin to beat that fear back.
I have been reading Rebekah Lyons book ‘Rhythms of Renewal’ and she has inspired me so much to sit back and think through a lot of things. If you’re looking for a book that talks about the importance of friendship, adventure, exercise, good food, leadership and more, try reading this one. And if you need a friend to help support you while you beat back your fears, just shoot me an email and I’d be happy to connect with you.
xx
