books

Beating Back Fear

I wouldn’t say I am afraid of a lot of things, but there seems to be a pattern for me. As a hard worker and an ‘achiever’ mindset kinda gal, I live a face paced and busy lifestyle. The one word (that I’ve definitely blogged about before) that seems to surface from time to time is this:

F A I L U R E

Now I know, no one LIKES failing. And the interesting thing to me is that I wouldn’t ever call myself a failure. But when I evaluate the fear I am facing, I can see that deep down it feels like failing and I fear it so badly.

Over three years ago I had my ‘traumatic fall’ (as I call it) off my Paddy. Y’all know that. The fall was so bad, my face was so bashed up, and the perineum tear I experienced was well, nothing you want to hear abut here. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to work through the FEAR of riding him, ever again. I constantly doubted if I could ride WELL, at least. Or that I’d be able to trust him. Three years later, I take that boy all across open fields and work so hard in the arena, trotting and cantering and learning how to be a team. It’s been so fun and incredible to feel the growth with Paddy. (Don’t misinterpret me, he and I are always learning. And sometimes, I DO feel fear while upon his back, but oh man it’s been awesome to be able to work through it.)

I can’t chalk our growth and my ability to ride him freely just up to ME though. I had a helper. A beautiful, sweet, saint of a helper—and his name is Rocco.

Recently Rocco and I had our first major scare, together. It’s a very long story that truthfully I don’t want to bore my non-horsey readers with, but the moral of the story is that he is even more scared of my Paddy and the other geldings in Paddy’s field, than I ever realized. (We recently switched Rocco fields to be with the ‘good boys,’ two other older and more docile horses than Paddy’s field—who tend to be territorial and more Alpha in behaviors.) While riding Rocco PAST his old pasture, Paddy approached him (keep in mind, IN his pasture), pinned his ears back at Rocco, and Rocco lost his mind. He spun and backed up and ran into the fence behind him, and tried to bolt and did all the things and I was freaking OUT.

I am just not experienced ENOUGH to have been able to help him work through that, especially ON his back. I yelled, I reacted, I was gripped with fear. It was a terrible feeling…one that I was familiar with before. And I hated it.

F E A R

“One of the greatest threats to mental and emotional health is fear…it sends us into fits of anxiety and panic,” (-Rebekah Lyons)

I ended up dismounting (truthfully I thought I was for SURE going to fall off) and I was so angry. And I felt so BAD for being so angry. I felt like in a split second, my confidence was ripped away from me, while on my confidence boosting horse. I led him back to the barn, got back on, and rode to the arena. Riding to the arena was fine. I wasn’t scared or fearful to be on his back. But the thought of going back down that driveway and potentially riding past Paddy’s field again?? That I couldn’t handle…Back in the barn, tears started streaming. As I replayed the events to my barn friends, I confessed what a failure I was feeling like. (Thank God for barn sisters to hug and to preach rational truth into me!)

…”Instead of avoiding the things we fear, we might consider confronting them. Fear holds us back and keeps us believing the lie that we aren’t strong enough, brave enough, or mentally tough enough to break out of our ruts…”

It’s been two days. I am itching to get back to the barn and to hug Rocco again. I know he is struggling with anxiety (with those particular horses for some reason) and I know he needs me. He needs me to be strong…to be calm, to be patient, to be CONFIDENT. My trainer gently reminded me, “Sometimes we need them for confidence, and other times they need us for confidence.” I know horses are majestic creatures. I know they speak their own language, they feel deeply, and they can be such sensitive souls. I feel a lot of fear even thinking about riding down the driveway again, in the event he bolts and spooks and spins all over again. But I am making an action plan and know that taking baby steps to beat back fear, for both us, is going to be okay.

You don’t have to love horses to be able to relate to this post, at least I don’t think so. All of us have had crippling fear at one point or another. One of you reading this is working through fear of your own. Maybe it’s fear of sickness, fear of failure in your marriage or workplace, perhaps it is fear of losing a friend or community. What fears or anxieties do YOU need to overcome? Try making a list and then work through ways you can begin to beat that fear back.

I have been reading Rebekah Lyons book ‘Rhythms of Renewal’ and she has inspired me so much to sit back and think through a lot of things. If you’re looking for a book that talks about the importance of friendship, adventure, exercise, good food, leadership and more, try reading this one. And if you need a friend to help support you while you beat back your fears, just shoot me an email and I’d be happy to connect with you.

xx

Patching Hearts, Target Trips, and Finishing a Book

Currently I am steeping a very hot cup of tangerine tea, just lit some candles, and have my book Present Over Perfect open in front of me. I actually just finished it, and I don't know about for you, but this doesn't come easy for me! But now I'm sitting here with this feeling of, "what's next?" and, "how can I apply EVERYTHING Shauna said directly to my heart and life?" I underlined a LOT of sentences in this book, as I did throughout Uninvited. Like this part: 

Because that's what I've been searching for: a sense of my own worth. That's what we're craving: the sense that we matter, that someone sees us, that we are loved and valued. And so some of us try to earn it...

and she continued, 

It is only when you understand God's truly unconditional love that you begin to understand the worth of your own soul--not because of anything you've DONE, but because every soul is worthy, every ONE of us is worthy of love, having been created by and in the image of the God of love. 

I'm still dealing with a lot of emotional stuff, if you will. Mending friendships, letting some go, trying to live in the present and enjoy the season I'm currently in. Not being in the classroom right now (and having taught for five whole years) has me feeling disconnected, funky, like, "WHO AM I!?" but I am trying to be SO thankful I have basically the next seven months left of being Mom. It's funny how a life change like this can just leave me feeling so off, but I'm hopeful that I can rest in God's unconditional love because really and truly, that's what I crave. 

Alright, you tired of the deep stuff? Ha ha, me too! This week was good but today was kind of a doozy. We have all those, right? We couldn't play outside because it was freezing cold and spitting sleet, so I bundled the kids up and took them to Target, duh. They got cake pops, I got a giant vanilla latte, and we walked around for an hour. It would have been nice to have been able to smell candles and look at home decor the entire hour, but it basically consisted of me bribing them aisle by aisle with, "we'll look at toys next," and "if we go see this, I promise we'll go to art supplies next," and then finally, I was just doooone and really wishing I hadn't gone as close to nap time as I did. I later texted Asa and asked if he could please take them to the gym when he got home so that I could just have an hour of quiet. [Lord I wish I had his patience.....]

So here's some of the stuff we did this week! Valentines crafts, learning about the letters B and C, doing a sink and float science "experiment, and lots of coloring, per usual. Reese enjoys helping "make breakfast," so she helped me cook some eggs; we read a lot in Mommy's bed, I drank a LOT of tea, and in the mornings after we finished our bible story, I let them watch the animated version--they LOVED that. Oh, and I made frozen yogurt bites, which they kids are now obsessed with. If you haven't yet made those, you should try it. Just use a ziplock bag and dump some yogurt in it, cut off the corner of the bag, and squeeze into little dots on a cookie sheet. Freeze for 20 minutes and you're good to go! 

 

Pierson is working on a computer intervention program that Asa's school uses, and he moved up an entire level this week--that's a big deal! It's his first academic "accomplishment" if you will, so today while at Target I let him pick a craft. He loves to paint and to be careful while doing art; I absolutely love that he chose this figurine painting set. He did the horse first, because he said he wanted me to put it in my 'office.' I told him my dream horse (a Bay) and by golly, he did an amazing job. Thanks, Kid, Mom needed more reasons to almost cry today! ;)  

Reese behaved well in Target and because I have a bleeding heart, I wanted to let her pick a toy out too. We went to the dollar section and she chose a Frozen notebook, right up her alley. Tonight I am hosting a women's night, where we'll actually talk about the book Uninvited and gorge ourselves on food and conversation. I'm super excited ProFlowers and Sharis Berries sent me some treats because the girls are going to LOVE these covered strawberries. So, that's it! Our week in photos. Our weekend ahead is very busy, and the plan is to go to MICHIGAN [sans husband, LORD HELP ME] next week; so I'm hoping for a little R&R somewhere between.