Worthy of Love and Belonging

I have several authors who I feel as though should be my soul sister, and Brene Brown is definitely at the top.  One of her quotes is one that I will forever want to write in lipstick on my mirror: "You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." Let me just repeat the end of that sentence again: 

you are worthy of love and belonging. 

Say it aloud. How does it feel coming out of your mouth? Does it feel foreign or strange? Did you mumble it, or say it with pride? Over the last several years I have felt the Lord molding me into a new woman. I really do give thanks to some incredible writers such as Shauna Neiquiest in her book Present Over Perfect, Lysa TerKuerst in Uninvited, and Brene Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection. All of these women have taught me through their words that love, acceptance, security, worthiness--are not solely from people...

all of that and more can be found in the arms of our Creator.

Do you remember being an insecure child? Maybe girls picked on you or made fun of your clothes. Maybe you struggled to make good grades or establish meaningful friendships. Perhaps you were beautiful, perhaps school was easy. Were you good at making friendships with girls but not boys? Did you get along with your teachers? I was great at volleyball and terrible at basketball, hello 5 foot nothingness. So much of what we experienced shapes our understanding of our value, our self worth. At some point we realized exactly how much our lives meant to our families, our friends, and ourselves. What worth did you assign yourself? Have you even really consciously considered your own value? I often wish I could go back to 18 year old Ashley, buy her a cup of coffee, look her in the eyes and say, 

"You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging."

and then I'd sit with her to have a good healing cry.

Sisters, our inability to grasp worthiness and grace starts so early. At some point we started selling ourselves short. At some point, we started believing we were not enough. Romans 3:23-24 says, "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and ALL are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." There is something about the phrases "fall short" and "justified freely" that have always convicted me. How can I fall short, yet receive nothing but grace from the One who created me? 

Another favorite author, Timothy Keller, said in his book  The Meaning of Marriage, "...When Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn't think "I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me." No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us - denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him - and in the greatest act of love in history, he STAYED. He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. The value you feel you earned through a lifetime of experiences pales in comparison to the value that Christ sees in you. He valued you enough to give up His throne in Heaven. To give up his morning coffee with God, His Father. To come to our insecure world, and find His way through it to the cross. 

If the Creator of all things thinks that YOU are valuable enough to die for, what is stealing your worthiness?

Pause. 

I REALLY want you to think about what is stealing your worthiness. What has robbed you of embracing and believing that YOU are enough?

For me, it was being told that I had monkey ears in the fifth grade. Oh I know, that sounds so silly, and in reality, it was. But when the beautiful popular girl makes you, the new girl, feel less than, it sticks. And I refused to wear my hair up for years to come to hide my monkey ears. As an adult, a woman I considered a best friend, blatantly admitted that she wasn't sure she was up for being friends with "Mom Ashley." In both instances, as small or large they may be, made me question my value--my worth. 

At what point do you wish you could go back? Maybe it's eighteen-year-old you, maybe it is younger, or heck, maybe it is current. At what point do you need to be reminded that you are imperfect? You ARE wired for struggle. Was there a girl who made fun of you on the playground? Was there a heartbreaking #metoo moment? You are worthy of love and belonging. The reality is, some of the things we have allowed to shape our self-worth are small and trivial; hello, monkey ears. And some of the things as women we have experienced, have truly affected how we view ourselves, and perhaps forever will. 

Let's remind ourselves though, of our worth. 

Do you remember how you felt in your mother's arms? And how beautiful you felt on your first date? How proud were you to do well on tests? Or laughing with your best friend in high school, until your sides hurt. Getting accepted to college. Picking your first apartment. Buying your first pet. Balancing your budget. Paying off debt. Going after your dreams. YOU ARE WORTHY! You are strong. No one can take away that you are so unconditionally loved and awesome that God himself CHOSE YOU! My favorite part of that very powerful truth is this, He CHOSE ME, long before I chose him. His love, makes me lovely. 

Sisters, to paraphrase Pauls's letter to Colossians "Focus your heart on God and Jesus. Set your minds on his goodness, not earthly pain. For you are hidden within Christ, HE is your life and shares HIS glory with YOU! Which means, you are God's CHOSEN child, holy and dearly loved." (Col. 3) 

If ever I am able to buy you a cup of coffee and look you in the eye to say, " You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging," let that moment be now. 

You are valuable. 
You are loved. 
You are WORTHY.

**This post was written to be used as an article in the second volume of The Bud Co's magazine: Sew and Dew. I highly recommend checking out this Christian magazine, geared to loving and serving women. You can get 20% off your copy when you use the code: ASHLEYSBUDS
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Loving Your Imperfect Life

One of my very favorite past times is walking around quaint neighborhoods with my husband and daydream about the pretty houses that we pass. This was something we did often while we dated, and one time I even went as far as ringing a dear old lady's doorbell at 9 o'clock at night to tell her that I just loved her house. It was a dare that my husband didn't think I would do [can you tell how wild and rebellious we were?] and while I may have terrified the sweet woman, it's a funny memory that we still joke about today.

There's this one street in particular that I drive down on my way to and from work. The houses are all very large with massive, beautiful windows. Many have wide front porches and early in the mornings, the soft glow of lamplight shines through. I envision moms in their soft plush bathrobes cooking breakfast, dads drinking their coffee and their kids plopping down joyfully at the large kitchen table next to them. Maybe it's warm French-toast, topped with decadent cool-whip and covered with fresh, juicy strawberries. I bet the kids don't bicker, and they all quietly chatter about their day ahead. Lunches packed, kisses exchanged, everyone probably leaves feeling so carefree and positive.

Ever since I was a kid, I have enjoyed walking past homes and studying everything about them. The types of windows, the large wooden doors, yard or no yard, one story or two--what is everyone doing behind these beautiful walls and is their lives as perfect as their residence? Fun Fact: I grew up in the country and I have this very random memory of being obsessed with binoculars. I had a tiny notebook I would take outside along with them and I'd plop down on our trampoline. Well, considering the closest neighbor to the back of us was my Grandma, who was still an acre away, it's obvious that I didn't ever SEE much. I don't think it lasted very long (duh, how BORING?!) but I'd jot down, "Nothing going on at Grandma's today," or, "Aunt Dawn and Uncle Time aren't home from work yet, not much happening" (they also lived across the field.) I suppose this means I'm a born people watcher and because I never had too many people to WATCH, city life has kind of amazed me!

The truth is, just like you can't see behind my four walls, I can't see into yours. The small frames on Instagram don't even give a sliver of reality for what the first five minutes of our mornings look like, let alone sound like. The beautiful photo of my kids hugging lasted for three seconds and shortly after they were snapping at each other for something completely irrational. My office space in our dining room is just about the only consistently tidy nook that we have, and that's because it's used once or twice a day. The truth is, I despise mornings and because of that, waking up with a joyful and positive heart is always a battle for me. When the kids wake us before they're supposed to, internally I'm usually spewing and huffing and puffing. I'm easily overwhelmed, in both my classroom and home, and it's very hard for me to just 'go with the flow.' Yesterday my daughter, while she was supposed to be dumping the mini potty bowl in to the big toilet, (something I thought she could handle), instead smeared said potty bowl remnants all over the toilet and floor. I do NOT even know how this happened, nor do I really want to, but that was a good fifteen minutes of my reality. (#momlife?)

Does cleaning up poop sound like perfection?

Obviously not, but I want to take a second and focus on that word, perfect:

having no mistakes or flaws;
completely correct or accurate;
having all the qualities you want in that person, situation, etc.

Our inner critic is one who tells us that we don't have it good enough. We aren't pretty enough, smart enough, wealthy enough, or just enough--period. Your kids are better than mine because they're more spaced out; surely they don't fight, and oh yes, they're the best of friends. Your house is better than mine. It's bigger, the yard is better, you keep it cleaner, it smells better, it IS better. But what if we stopped for a second when we begin to hear these nagging lies? What if we thought about what it is our hearts are coveting and then look our life straight in the face with confidence about where we are and what we DO have? Instead of thinking, "My daughter should have been able to dump her poop into the big potty without any incidence," I could have just acknowledged it for what it was: "Maybe I should have moved MY butt and taken the bowl from her, maybe I was just being lazy."

That's kind of a trivial example. But I think we all have these expectations for ourselves, our spouses, our kids, our friends and co-workers--and what really, is the point? My 4-year old isn't the same as yours. You and I could have the same exact degree but we probably teach completely differently. My convictions are different from yours. And honestly, our visions, dreams, hopes and goals are vastly diverse, no matter how similar we may feel to one another!

I didn't enjoy cleaning the bathroom, but I'm thankful for a daughter who tried to be independent. I can't stand it when they fight, but I'm grateful my kids have each other. Sometimes my husband and I argue, but I love the heck out of him and I'm glad God chose ME to be his wife. I'm homesick often, but how thankful I am for a reliable vehicle and that six hours just really isn't THAT far when I want to go visit. My job is incredibly hard and as a teacher I don't ever get to "leave work at work," but I'm thankful to meet so many diverse children and no matter what, be changed by them. We feel we've outgrown our house, but it's where we brought our babies home and where ALL of our memories exist--I'll forever cherish the years spent there.

I could go on. But I know that you too are thinking of ways you ARE grateful for the imperfections in your life. And truth be told, I don't actually think everyone else's lives are more perfect than mine; I don't despise our house or neighborhood or my close in age children. But I am guilty of comparison and I encourage you today to stand against it WITH me. Together as a people we are so blessed, poopy toilets and messes and all.

"Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.” -Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection