When You're All She Needs

Let me preface with saying that I don't have this all figured out. You know, this whole 'mothering' thing. It's one of my dreams to be able to write a book and when people ask, "About what?" I usually respond with, "That's the problem, I'm not quite sure." Being Mom is one of my greatest passions, but in their mere three and four years, I don't feel like I have quite enough to say to write a BOOK. Perhaps I'll get there though, simply with documenting and sorting out thoughts here? Time will tell. 

Anyway, since I have been home with my kids, no longer working a Monday-Friday eight hour day, things look vastly different from what they did. Our kids have always had an in-home sitter, albeit a few different ones over the years, but they've never had to be cared for outside of the home. [Minus the first few months of Pierson's life when my generous mother-in-law watched him.] Both kids have always been fine with us working, because that's all they've ever known. Leaving and coming home, no tears or fussing or emotional messes, but that's all changed. My daughter Reese is three and a half. She is bold and daring and brave and adventurous, but another side has appeared since I've been home--and that's her anxious side. To us, it doesn't make sense; we are baffled, confused, frustrated and often emotionally exhausted because of her lately drastic tantrums. "Over what?" you may wonder. Well she's not having tantrums and whining about toys, clothing, or food... 

She's anxious about me. 

Heaven forbid Mom leave her sight, especially once her dad comes home. Maybe she feels the need to compete for my attention when he walks in the door? I'm not really sure what she is feeling because she can't communicate well enough about that specifically yet. She's bright as can be and actually socially advanced for her age; but when I ask, "Reese, why don't want Daddy to put you down?" she responds with, "Because I want YOU, Mommy." 

Recently I turned to Facebook, (what else do you do as a Mom in this era?) and made a general status inquiry. Any other moms' kids have anxiety when away from them? And by golly, you better believe it was a ten for ten YES. Today I went to a Moms' Day Out group with a friend and not knowing more than half of the women, I decided to ask the same question. Pretty much all of them have had or have something similar going on with their kids; usually in the 2-3.5 age range, but none of us could really pinpoint WHY. Why is it always mom? At least with one of the kids? My son definitely still prefers me with some of our routines, but I think that's just how children are wired in their chemistry? Maybe I'm wrong, but I really feel like all the kids I know want their mamas at bedtime, mama to tuck them in one more, mama to check on them in the middle of the night. But he's at least better about my husband DOING things for and with him. 

Like giving him a bath. Taking him out of the bath. Brushing his hair. Getting dressed. Getting put to bed. You get the point. 

But my DAUGHTER won't have it. When I'm home and physically present in some room of the house, she begs and pleads and let's just call it for what it is--she DEMANDS me. "Mommy come in and give me a bath. Mommy get me out of the bath! Mommy brush my hair. Mommy put my jammies on. Mommy put me down." 

I actually wrote a post in January 2016 titled Mommy Put Me Down, and here we are, one year later, and it might actually be "worse?" Worse isn't the word perhaps, I just mean it's increased, and there's an anxiety about her that hasn't quite been there before; or at least that had gone unnoticed? There's something about me being home, that translates in her mind, while I am physically in the house, I should never be away from her. If I'm downstairs finishing things up or tidying up dinner for example, she checks with my husband constantly, asking, "When will Mommy be up? When will Mommy be done?" 

My mom says that I was this way as a kid as well. I had a lot of anxiety and always wanted to be near her. But she always thought it was because she was gone a lot to take my brother who has special needs, to things like doctor appointments or school meetings, etc; and I was always nervous about when she'd come back. Well, I don't have obligations like that? I'm here, all the time, and Reese doesn't ever have to worry about the places I need to be. And actually, when I DO have things like photo sessions or meetings out of the house, she does fine. The childcare at the gym? She doesn't bat an eye. She gives me an extra hug or two but loudly yells, "Bye, Mommy!! I love you, Mommy!" and goes on to play. It's just HOME. And when she knows I am here, she doesn't think she needs anyone else. 

She needs me. 

If you're reading this and nodding your head; if you're like, "Oh yes, this is how it is in my household too," then maybe we just need to lean in on each other. I think about the children who lose their mothers at a young age, and those thoughts freeze me emotionally. I don't want my children to suffer with anxiety. I don't want them to deal with grief or trauma or turmoil. But I don't get to decide that. I don't pick and choose life events, I don't have a clue the experiences they will go through. 

All I can do is be enough. When you are all she (or he) needs, just be there. I'm twenty-eight and clearly I don't suffer from separation anxiety from my mom; but I do still NEED her. I'm not sure if other adult women talk to their moms as often as I do, but I sure hope and pray that Reese will need me the way I need mine when SHE'S all grown up! 

This season is hard. It really feels like we are in the trenches of parenting Reese, and constantly I pray that God would teach me how to be EXACTLY the mom she needs. A lady from the group this morning shared something SO powerful I wanted to tell you all about. She said her eight-year old recently has been struggling with extreme anxiety when they have to be apart. She's read a lot of books and said she's always been the mom who ravishes her girls for being strong and brave and bold; but that she doesn't spend a lot of time focusing on them also being beautiful. That's kind of the generation we are currently in I think, because most of us women are like, "You're pretty but that doesn't matter! Look how SMART you are!" In a recent book she read, she learned something new that drastically gave her sweet daughter peace. This woman said she sat down with her daughter in a recent panic episode, and told her this: 

"You are brave and smart, you are kind, and wonderful. You are beautiful and you are LOVED."

I almost started to cry when she shared, because what a benediction of sorts those words are. Inside all of us [ME included!] there's something that needs to be reminded of those two things: beauty + love. Maybe Reese needs me to be more patient and understanding when she goes into a panic. Maybe I too, should remind her of all the GOOD truths that she is. Perhaps it is necessary that as a 3-year old, she is told OFTEN not only how great she is, but also how beautiful and LOVED. Maybe she needs more words of affirmation than I give? 

Maybe she just needs me. 

And today I'm breathing a little easier telling myself that that may be okay. It might be tiring (exhausting) and I may want to hand her off to someone else so I can have a 'break,' but it won't always be this way. Not to this extreme. And I want nothing else than my baby girl to always want to lean on me. 

**Mamas of young ones, do you have experiences similar to this? Do you have any tips or suggestions for putting your little ones at ease over being away from you? I'd love to hear from you, so comment below or shoot me an email [in my contact page!] As always, thanks for reading, thanks for being here with me, and I pray you find peace and comfort wherever you are in this stage of life!**

Let's Be BAD Moms!

I don't go to the movies. Like, ever. So when my sister in law said she'd go with me to see Bad Moms in the theatre, I was super ecstatic. I don't know about you and where you live, but movie tickets are way too dang overpriced here in Kentucky. I grew up where tickets cost $5 and a giant diet coke was $3 (oh, and we had free refills!) Before walking in to the theatre, I had some definite pre-movie-attending-anxiety. 

Please don't suck. Don't be a waste of time. Please be worth every single cent we just spent to get in here and slurp on our $7 soft drinks!

But lo and behold, seconds into the movie both of us were dying laughing. Don't get me wrong, the F Bomb is dropped every five seconds but oh.my.gosh soooooooo worth it! The main character (played by Mila Kunis) seems to have the "perfect life", but just like most moms, she's completely over-worked, exhausted and way over-committed. She meets two women, who couldn't be more opposite from one another, and together they have some way overdue fun encompassed by tons of laughter and tears. 

As the movie ended I thought, I have to write about this! And then I received a Facebook message from a dear friend of mine who solidified this need to write even more. 

"Do all moms feel like they could be better moms? Or do I just suck...After I put her to bed and she's lying next to me (yes, she sleeps with me), I look back on the day and see all the wasted opportunities for her to learn and grow and for us to grow together, because I had other shit to do. And I see this angel, God's GIFT to me, peaceful beside me, and I feel like the biggest f'ing asshole..." 

Ladies? How many of you are RIGHT THERE? 

"I feel like a bad mom. I feel like I could be better. Like she deserves BETTER. I don't know how anyone does it, if you're not a millionaire who doesn't need to work or cook or clean or pay bills...I don't have childhood memories with my mom. She was working or grumpy. That's what I am? I'm THAT?!? I don't want to be that. I don't want to be too tired or too grumpy or too BUSY. It isn't fair."

Isn't that what we all are? We are tired, we are grumpy, we are busy. We are MOMS. WHY are we so hard on ourselves? In this day and age, it seriously IS pretty impossible to be a good mom. These lines in the movie had me splitting up and also need to be said here:

"There are so many f'ing rules now" 
"Don't punish your kids." 
"Don't say NO to your kids." 
"We all work too damn hard trying to make our kids lives amazing and magical. Their lives already ARE amazing and magical. Screw it. Let's be BAD moms." [Kiki, Carla and Amy from Bad Moms]

Maybe it'll help you if I offer some personal perspective. Guess what my four year-old wants to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY? I'll give you a guess: NOT spinach and kale.. Nope. Try Pizza Luncheables. And the first thing my kids do when they wake up in the morning? Use their iPads for 15 minutes (cough, or thirty, cough) so that I can drink my coffee and keep my talking to a minimum. I hate mornings! What in the world am I going to do when I stay home full time come  this winter?! Oh, probably the same thing. 

Does it make me a bad mom because I allow Luncheables to be "lunch" three days a week? Or that I give them screen time when I need a break? (If you say yes, we probably shouldn't be friends....) 

This job is HARD. It's emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually EXHAUSTING. We work jobs outside of the home and come home to more work, or we stay home and there's a crap ton that go unnoticed by the littles ones we are raising. And no matter what your other titles are, I can tell you that being the Maid, Chef, Nurse, Handyman, Therapist, Friend, Pooper Scooper, Professional Cuddler, Discipliner and so freeking much more... all roll into a giant combustion of what MOM really is. 

But yet, we feel guilt. We don't want to be remembered for our yelling, for our tears, for our frustration. We want our kids to have these picturesque memories of rainbows and sunshine and kitten cuddles and nothing but laughter as they tell THEIR kids what their childhood resembled. Well I'm here to encourage you--be a BAD mom! 

Take care of yourself. While your kids play hide and seek go lock yourself in the bathroom for three minutes to breathe and have some positive self-talk. Make arrangements to go out with a girlfriend and do whatever the HECK you want. Laugh. Cry. Punch a punching bag. Go for a run. Eat a pint of ice cream. And then keep being Mom. 

I bet you're doing the best you can. I know my friend who sent me that message is! She is a woman who I admire immensely, who has always been a go-getter, working herself through college and raising a kid at the same time. I bet you get angry and your kids have seen you cry. I bet you've raised your voice at them and screamed for them to go to their rooms. I bet you've had to apologize and ask for forgiveness and grace. And I also bet you have hugged them, and danced with them and taken them out for ice cream and slushies and to the theatre where they can have THEIR very own bucket of popcorn and too big of a soft drink. 

So ladies? Why don't we breathe? Give yourself a pat on the back and go ahead, give yourself slack, "I'm going to be a BAD mom!" 

You are Enough, Period.

A few weeks ago, my head was just absolutely spinning. Granted, school was still in session so I was teaching full time, on top of wearing the many other hats that I wear. I had a ton of deadlines for posting for several collaborations, was having writers' block, and I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't keep my head above the water. I try to have at least one phone conversation a day with my mom and I remember telling her, "I'm missing Grandma and feeling a little envious of what her life looked like."

You see, my Grandma was born in 1913. She lived to be 100-years old and she didn't live in an age of social media, Internet, cell phones or digital cameras. She worked with her hands in a garden that she and my Grandpa grew, she cooked all their meals, baked hundreds of pies, and cleaned the house the old fashioned way: with a mop and giant bucket of soapy water. She wasn't then, completely distracted with a million other things that were going on in the world. Life was about caring for her family and loving the people around her well. She went to church every single Sunday, as well as every mid-week service. She mothered many children, and Grandmothered TONS more. My mom says that she can't remember a single time that my Grandma ever complained or said something negative. 

But life now, well, it looks different doesn't it? The roles of women have changed immensely (and thank the Lord, because I personally live in a household where the MAN cooks and helps out so often!) I dedicate a lot of my time to taking pictures, working with other companies in collaborations and sponsorships, and with everything else going on, I usually have to write myself an actual list of things that need to get done or I would absolutely, positively forget. Sometimes my head is so cloudy, my eyes so blurry, that I actually close them and think about how Grandma would do things. 

Would she care about her followers on Instagram? 

Would she fixate her thoughts on toxic friends or relationships? 

Would she panic when someone unfriended her on Facebook? 

Would she doubt herself or tell herself that she wasn't good enough? 

What do you think? NEVER?! Because if so, you're right. My Grandma's eyes were always fixed on Jesus and the Cross and ensuring that she and her family made it to Heaven. Her life was like a bubbling creek, echoing only the soothing sounds of her peaceful world. Did things in her life ever go wrong? Of course. She lost many of her own children before she passed away, she experienced heartache, hurt, and lived without her husband for twenty-six years. But none of that stopped her. 

So recently my husband and I were able to go away on a short and much needed vacation. We woke and rose out of bed only when we wanted to, had as many cups of coffees in our pajamas as we wanted before deciding to get dressed and make plans for the day. We spent several nights in the darkness down by the sea, as the stars glowed around us and we heard nothing but the gentle tide escaping the sand. We didn't have obligations, there was no one around who physically or emotionally needed us. Our children were at home, being well-loved and cared for by the people that we trust. And because of this simplicity, everything for the first time in forever, just felt right.

But the second I woke this morning, my first day back in reality, I found myself feeling a similar array of distraught emotions. I felt a tinge of sadness, overwhelmed and began questioning myself. After several cups of coffee and playing with my incredibly joyful children, this made me stop and ask myself, "Who told you that you have to live a life of shoulds? Who tells you that you have to go and do and chase Earthly things, instead of simply taking life slowly and breathing in your Creator? Does your mind have to be cloudy simply because you aren't waking up on a beach? Do your eyes have to be hazy because you aren't allowing yourself peaceful sleep?" 

Lara Casey says it so well in her book Make it Happen: "Maybe a purposeful life means you'll have fewer followers on social media because you aren't glued to your phone as much anymore. Maybe you'll get out in your garden, or paint, or have a long coffee date with someone and build a lasting connection...When we stop chasing those impossible standards and surrender our fears, we become TRULY productive in what matters. We experience genuine fulfillment, an imperfect yet intentional life, driven by a clear core purpose." 

How many of you are there with me? Do you let life clutter your brain? Do you find yourself wondering if you are loved, or if you are worth someone's friendship? Do you bog yourself down with check-lists and overcommitment? Do you allow trivial worries to wreck your happiness? Well today I am standing with you and cautioning you to please stop. You are worth more than all of that, you are deserving of so much more and simply put: YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

I can't wait to write more about our beach trip, about the many lessons that it taught me and what I learned during our four days away, but in the mean time, please know that I believe in you. I say it often and I'll say it again, I think social media is weird. I believe that there is a lot of good that comes with it, like positive friendships with people from all over the world, that it brings a sense of community and introduces us to some seriously great individuals. But if we let it, it also does a great job at ripping us apart from one another. I can't tell you how many times I have questioned someone's love for me based on their caption, how I have considered deleting my account and 'getting off the grid.' But I daily choose to use it to share my story, as a space to write my words and use my voice. To document life and show ya'll the messy but beautiful obstacles my family overcomes. 

How are you feeling this Monday afternoon? Do you feel revitalized from a refreshing weekend? Have you had an inspiring quiet time that you want to share? Or do you feel too bogged down, too uninspired, and you're in need of a quick prayer and huge hug? Share in the comments below because I LOVE hearing from you! Or shoot me an e-mail! Wherever you are, I'm here praying and cheering you on! 

Dear Self, Why Don't You Love Me?

Disclaimer: Photo is not *me,* this is from a recent boudoir session I was honored to do

I recently sent an up close screen shot (of myself) to my husband with the text, "I have such a bad, droopy eye! And the most wrinkled, saggy under-eyes I've ever seen.." (My poor husband had to respond to this, but that's another blog post for another time.) 

You've done this before, right? Taken a selfie with one of your friends, or kids, or simply by yourself, only to zoom it in, and cringe because of the many imperfections that you see? Or in my case, emotionally throw up on your loved one about how terrible you look and feel.

I will tell you all day long how gorgeous and radiant you are. And I believe every damn ounce. But then why can't I believe the same about myself? Just like you are yours, I am my own worst critic.

As a photographer, I have discovered that one of my absolute favorite sessions to shoot is boudoir. I have had a lot of extremely different women, all trust ME, as they stand on the opposite side of camera, allowing me to photograph them in their most bare and vulnerable moments. "How do you do it?" someone asked me. "How do you help make them feel comfortable enough in their own skin to trust you?" That answer was easy: I just strive for realness. When they talk to me about their struggles with their appearance, or about how they are not at the ideal weight that they had hoped to be, I lavish them with compliments and affirmation. Not because I'm faking it--but because I sincerely mean every ounce of what I tell them. 

I've photographed everything, from the Mom Bod, to the Crossfit, to the Body Builder, to the Perky Nineteen-Year Old. Each and every one of them showed me how gorgeous they are on the outside, but more profoundly, I've found that each of them had their own battles with insecurities. I found myself photographing these beautiful women, thinking how LUCKY these women are to look like THIS. And then it hit me hard, all women, no matter how gorgeous, talented, smart, wealthy, creative they are, deep down inside, are their own worst critic. We stand in our own way.

This all starts at a shockingly too young age. We hit the age of adolescence and we start noticing things--things about ourselves that we just don't like. I didn't have too many weight insecurities as a kid but boy did I have some acne. In high school I would call my mom from the bathroom stall and just cry about how I wanted to come home. Come junior year when I could actually drive, I would occasionally leave; all because I couldn't stand the internal voices that screamed at me upon entering those fluorescent restrooms: 'You are not good enough. Your friends have beautiful skin. Your face is red and ugly.'  Through many years of trial and error and lots of potent medications, I was able to get my acne under grip. And as I've aged, I've been able to train my mentality into believing that a zit or two just isn't THAT big of a deal. But now the voices of self-doubt have discovered my other weaknesses.

Some say I've been blessed with great genes (which yes, I suppose you could say I have!) I come from a pretty long line of healthy people and my mom is only a couple of inches taller then me. We're a smaller family, smaller boned, petite framed. But after I had kids and the Postpartum Thyroiditis leveled off, my body plateaued at the weight it's currently at, and it hasn't budged in almost three years. I've heard some of my friends joke, 'After summer vacation, I'm going to look like ASHLEY!' 'Don't do that!' I've said. And in my head I am quietly envying their beautiful curves, their butt that they've deemed 'too big,' their hips they declare too curvy. They see me and they see, 'tiny/small/skinny/cute/petite,' and I look at them and see, 'curvy/blessed/sexy/more beautiful.' I'm sure if we could all pick and choose and hand select exactly how we wanted to be build, we would. And then at the end of the day, we would STILL find fault with those choices! We look to our left and right and we see one thing: women who we see as BETTER than ourselves. 

My hope is to launch a series here where I shout out LOTS of amazing women that I know. To photograph them, tell their story, and to show ya'll why they really and truly are just incredible super-stars, period. We as a whole, are really fricken amazing, but I'm right there with you when someone extends compliments: I struggle to believe them. My husband (who is the sweetest and most loving man on the planet), tries to reassure my doubtful and insecure self often, but at a fancy dinner on my 28th birthday, he brought tears to my eyes with this:

"When looking at who you are, where you've been, how you've grown, you really just astound me. Small town girl, college educated, Masters degree in special education. You dedicate your life to educating the emotional and behavioral challenged. You have started two businesses and are successfully managing both. What's more important, is that you have a beautiful home filled with love and laughter because you have birthed and are raising two awesome children. You find the time to be a loving wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. You are a kick ass woman that wears all of this success with humility, dignity, and grace. You have stayed grounded in who you are and have never lost sight of God's blessings in your life."  

You too, have had affirmations such as this. You're either dating or married, or you're single and you have tons of people who love and support you. But yet we look around and we wonder, "Am I enough?" We see pictures of ourselves and think, "I have so much to fix." You are guilty of taking fifty-five selfies only by the last one, to still be unhappy with the way you look. But next to you, you have someone saying, "You are SO beautiful. Your hair is amazing. Your eye color is just gorgeous. You have the best arms. You are such an excellent mother, sister, daughter, friend. You are so smart and creative, you are driven and passionate. You are exactly who God created you to BE and He is SO proud of you..." 

When will the truths outweigh the lies? When will you, when will I, start liking ourselves?