Kissing the SAHM Life Goodbye: My Thoughts and Prayers

Well y'all, as quickly as my time off began, it's now quickly coming to an end. Feeling emotional while the kids nap [does that happen to you??], I went back and read some old posts of mine. It literally feels like yesterday that I was counting down until Christmas break and looking forward to the months I would be blessed to stay home with my kids. Now here we are...I go back to my classroom in TWO weeks [only for four days, and then it will be summer vacation], and I'm like, "HOW!??!" 

Lastnight in bed, I started to pray. I apologized because honestly, it's been a little too long since I had a sincere heart to heart with the Lord; and I just asked for guidance. Previously I had said during this season, I had wanted to write more, get more serious about the blog, and book more sessions--and guess what? That just didn't really happen. I did a few sessions sure, and I have a few weddings in the coming year, but I wasn't slammed. And when I opened my laptop to write, usually I couldn't find the words or motivation to get my fingers moving. This has been a season of motherhood, and as I sit and reflect, I am so grateful for that. 

I'm a good teacher. I've taught for six years, in a self-contained elementary classroom; teaching all subjects, and meeting HUNDREDS of children along the way. I love fifth graders especially, their humor and sarcasm [or attempts anyway] and when they really start digging deep to figure out who they are. I LOVE teaching writing and inspiring kids TO write. I like interacting with my co-workers and having adult conversations. But at the same time, the thought of working a five day a week job again...it really makes me sad. 

My son Pierson will start kindergarten in August [THREE months from now, ahhhh!] and our sweet Reese will be all by herself. She's never known a day without her brother, and she definitely hasn't been away from him all day every day! We don't yet have a sitter for her, and it makes me SO emotional to think that I won't be the one with her each day. Especially her by herself, will be SO fun; she'll be four in September and her personality is just bursting with greatness each and every day. What I wouldn't give to do preschool lessons and 'field trips' with my baby girl. But it's just not the case. 

I asked God to give me this time to focus on being Mom, and He answered. Back in November, I wrote this:

There is one thing that I DO know though...that I need this time with my kids. With my son going to kindergarten August 2017, I know that I will be so thankful for these next few months. We aren't sure when our daughter will start school, as our school district just changed the date and age kids need to be when they enroll; so as of now, she may start the year right after him, or she may have to wait two years. Regardless of what happens, if I go back to work full time, part time, or WHATEVER, having these coming months to focus more on being MOM, sounds so wonderful.

The last four months, I definitely focused on being Mom. I think, and have to trust, that God wants me back in the classroom for a while longer. I don't think it's unfeasible that I'll be able to get more paying jobs and possibly in the future get the chance to stay home again, but that time is not now. Reese will definitely be home next year, but we aren't sure yet about the following. If there's a chance she can enroll in kindergarten early, we may look into that because she is SO intelligent, especially socially. But if she does stay home for two years, *maybe* I'll get to stay home again the second year?  

I had written another post back in December about my goals during this time off. It was pretty humbling to re-read them today, so let me share with you how those have panned out ;) 

1. Eat breakfast [at the table] with the kids and read a devotional while they eat
2. wash my face and everyone's teeth [maybe throw in a shower?] ;) 
3. start a routine of school work with them / letters, sight words, science projects, SOMETHING...
4. read aloud daily, other than at nap/bed time
5. go for a walk or play out back before naps
6. if laundry gets done, put it AWAY. this never happens [am i the only one?]
7. eat lunch. be healthy. take care of me. 
8. if i don't make it to the gym, do at least one Suzanne Bowen workout a week
9. write for at least 15 minutes a day, whether journaling or in this space
10. cook/prepare 1 meal a week, since my husband is THE chef of the household

Basically, I never cooked a meal... I think I did once? Tacos or something? No wait, I also made a meatloaf and mashed potato dish. Sorry, Babe! I DID brush my teeth daily (you're welcome!) and for the first few months, we were in a great swing of 'school' in the morning. We focused on letters the first several weeks and did fun crafts with things that started with whichever letter (like 'P' we made and designed pizzas and talked about penguins and popcorn, etc.) We went to the park a lot, rarely out back though. I have been *pretty* good about laundry, even putting it away, though this hasn't religiously happened and I do often ask for my husband's help if we let it get away from us during the week. I definitely did not work out, other than running, but that goal was made before I ran the mini marathon so maybe that one isn't a fail? And I didn't write daily...as much as I wish I had. During the kids' naps I was often tired and accepted the fact that it was OKAY to lie down or just rest! 

I'm pretty good at NOT knowing what the future looks like. But it's been really humbling and a huge eye-opener, that I can always look back and see how God answered prayer and opened or closed doors. A year ago I was dreaming of staying home, unsure if it would ever happen, and then look. Then, I prayed for some quiet and a season of stillness, and that's what I'm currently living! Though it's hard, and definitely bittersweet, I am surrendering my future yet again to Him. 

Pierson will do great in kindergarten. Reese will be well cared for and loved. I will make a difference in the classroom. And everything is going to be just fine. 

That was my little benediction to myself, but in all seriousness, I could use your prayers and well wishes. I literally do NOT know where the time went. The saying, "The days are long but years are short," is beyond true. Some days have been so hard, but I wouldn't have traded them for anything in the world! 

Books, Bunnies, and a BIG TGIF

This has been the longest/shortest week ever. I'm not sure how it's Friday, yet some of our days have felt incredibly long. Some things I've wondered this week: do other moms completely lose their patience? We have some incredibly sweet moments, but come Friday (today) I legit had to call Asa at work to talk with Pierson because I was at my wits END. Anyway, that's perhaps another blog post...and I'm getting this one up later than usual, so I may or may not be even MORE worn out as I try to figure out the good things to say about these five days ;) 

The kids had so much fun decorating for Easter this month and I love how excited they were with some of their crafts [hence why I'm sharing some Easter photos a tad late.]

We spent 99% of our days at our dining room table, but I love it. It's where I read my devotions, journal, and often where we read our Bible stories in the morning. As you all know, I am pro-every-single-holiday so with Earth Day being tomorrow, we did some lessons this week. We talked about the importance of recycling, deciphering what goes in the garbage, and ways to keep the world clean. Pierson impressed me with his sorting and gluing skills; I had a little glimpse into his upcoming kindergarten days :( Sammy is pictured because he has been cracking us UP getting into our fabric boxes, trying to steal the kids craft pom pom balls. Look at his crazy eyes!

The kids got some new books this week, Kingdom of You, and we LOVE them. They are personalized with their names, their favorite things (pasta and ice cream, and superheroes and princesses!), and the pages are full of color and fascinating pictures. I read to both Pierson and Reese their individual stories, and they loved finding their names throughout the pages. If you haven't yet checked out this company Lost My Name, I highly recommend them and their books!

This afternoon was a long one waiting for Daddy to get home... but it was filled with laughter, drinks at the faucet (his favorite thing to do because his cool big cousin/best friend Arie showed him how, haha!!) and princess spins in the dining room. And last but not least, Reese got an adorable new toy, Chloe the Bunny, from Cuddle and Kind. When one doll is bought, ten meals are given to children in need--how awesome is that?! 

A Week On Slowness, Holidays, and Double Ear Infections

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY, Y'ALL! The teacher in me is obsessed with all things holiday, so every single month I seriously scour the calendar for what holiday I can focus on next. March is one of my favorite months, with this holiday, the beginning of official spring, and my birthday (next weekend) of course. Before I go too much further, I want to share these easy treats with you, so that if in the event you're like, "Oh shoot, I want to do something for St. Patty's Day with my kids but totally forgot!" these are beyond simple and quick to do with them. 

St. Patrick's Day Rice Krispy Treats
Inspired by Classy Clutter

Ingredients: 
1/4 cup of butter
4 cups of soft marshmallows
5 cups of Rice Krispie cereal
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
green food coloring
approximately 3/4 cup of Lucky Charm’s marshmallows – Reese was my helper in picking out the marshmallows from the Lucky Charms cereal box, and setting them aside in a bowl. She may or may not have snuck a few (or dozen...)

Directions: 
Melt the butter over low heat until completely melted. Slowly add marshmallows and stir often to avoid burning. When marshmallow/butter mixture is completely melted, add 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla and your green food coloring and mix well. Remove from heat and stir in your Rice Krispie cereal. Once mixture is mostly combined, stir in the Lucky Charm’s marshmallows.  

I forgot how much I like Rice Krispy Treats, making them St. Patrick's Day themed was so much fun! Now on to some more pictures from our week. It was overall pretty slow, and I didn't have a lot of motivation to do many lessons... but Pierson learned how to spell "me" and "the" and he recognizes them in books now, so that's a huge accomplishment! 

It was also the first week I've dreaded running.... such a bummer, I have been on such a high, that I always looked forward to trying to run further! I did 4 miles on the treadmill and got super discouraged from some knee/ankle pain, took the inserts out and ran 3 the next day, and that was the best post-run I've felt yet. So I'm going to attempt a short one today, and then I have a 10k TOMORROW. Yikes!! I'm telling myself I've ran 7 and didn't die, so surely I can do the 6.4 or whatever it is, right? 

And Pierson went to the doctor today. He hasn't been able to hear us well AT ALL (I'm talking, I have to be NEXT to his ear drum sometimes in order for him to hear!) and the doctor said he has a double ear infection. He's been in monthly since December with ear infections and bronchitis, so we were referred to an allergist. I had to have allergy shots monthly as a kid, so it wouldn't be a huge shocker if he's an allergy kid as well... just hoping for GOOD news, and that they won't say, "Oh yeah, he's allergic to ALL of your pets!" Prayers appreciated! 

PS: The beautiful table you see in 99% of my photos is by the incredibly talented Brent, with Louisville Farm Tables. It's been a dream of ours for a loong time to have a table such as this. It's 8-feet long, gorgeous, and we love hosting our friends and family around it! 

When You're All She Needs

Let me preface with saying that I don't have this all figured out. You know, this whole 'mothering' thing. It's one of my dreams to be able to write a book and when people ask, "About what?" I usually respond with, "That's the problem, I'm not quite sure." Being Mom is one of my greatest passions, but in their mere three and four years, I don't feel like I have quite enough to say to write a BOOK. Perhaps I'll get there though, simply with documenting and sorting out thoughts here? Time will tell. 

Anyway, since I have been home with my kids, no longer working a Monday-Friday eight hour day, things look vastly different from what they did. Our kids have always had an in-home sitter, albeit a few different ones over the years, but they've never had to be cared for outside of the home. [Minus the first few months of Pierson's life when my generous mother-in-law watched him.] Both kids have always been fine with us working, because that's all they've ever known. Leaving and coming home, no tears or fussing or emotional messes, but that's all changed. My daughter Reese is three and a half. She is bold and daring and brave and adventurous, but another side has appeared since I've been home--and that's her anxious side. To us, it doesn't make sense; we are baffled, confused, frustrated and often emotionally exhausted because of her lately drastic tantrums. "Over what?" you may wonder. Well she's not having tantrums and whining about toys, clothing, or food... 

She's anxious about me. 

Heaven forbid Mom leave her sight, especially once her dad comes home. Maybe she feels the need to compete for my attention when he walks in the door? I'm not really sure what she is feeling because she can't communicate well enough about that specifically yet. She's bright as can be and actually socially advanced for her age; but when I ask, "Reese, why don't want Daddy to put you down?" she responds with, "Because I want YOU, Mommy." 

Recently I turned to Facebook, (what else do you do as a Mom in this era?) and made a general status inquiry. Any other moms' kids have anxiety when away from them? And by golly, you better believe it was a ten for ten YES. Today I went to a Moms' Day Out group with a friend and not knowing more than half of the women, I decided to ask the same question. Pretty much all of them have had or have something similar going on with their kids; usually in the 2-3.5 age range, but none of us could really pinpoint WHY. Why is it always mom? At least with one of the kids? My son definitely still prefers me with some of our routines, but I think that's just how children are wired in their chemistry? Maybe I'm wrong, but I really feel like all the kids I know want their mamas at bedtime, mama to tuck them in one more, mama to check on them in the middle of the night. But he's at least better about my husband DOING things for and with him. 

Like giving him a bath. Taking him out of the bath. Brushing his hair. Getting dressed. Getting put to bed. You get the point. 

But my DAUGHTER won't have it. When I'm home and physically present in some room of the house, she begs and pleads and let's just call it for what it is--she DEMANDS me. "Mommy come in and give me a bath. Mommy get me out of the bath! Mommy brush my hair. Mommy put my jammies on. Mommy put me down." 

I actually wrote a post in January 2016 titled Mommy Put Me Down, and here we are, one year later, and it might actually be "worse?" Worse isn't the word perhaps, I just mean it's increased, and there's an anxiety about her that hasn't quite been there before; or at least that had gone unnoticed? There's something about me being home, that translates in her mind, while I am physically in the house, I should never be away from her. If I'm downstairs finishing things up or tidying up dinner for example, she checks with my husband constantly, asking, "When will Mommy be up? When will Mommy be done?" 

My mom says that I was this way as a kid as well. I had a lot of anxiety and always wanted to be near her. But she always thought it was because she was gone a lot to take my brother who has special needs, to things like doctor appointments or school meetings, etc; and I was always nervous about when she'd come back. Well, I don't have obligations like that? I'm here, all the time, and Reese doesn't ever have to worry about the places I need to be. And actually, when I DO have things like photo sessions or meetings out of the house, she does fine. The childcare at the gym? She doesn't bat an eye. She gives me an extra hug or two but loudly yells, "Bye, Mommy!! I love you, Mommy!" and goes on to play. It's just HOME. And when she knows I am here, she doesn't think she needs anyone else. 

She needs me. 

If you're reading this and nodding your head; if you're like, "Oh yes, this is how it is in my household too," then maybe we just need to lean in on each other. I think about the children who lose their mothers at a young age, and those thoughts freeze me emotionally. I don't want my children to suffer with anxiety. I don't want them to deal with grief or trauma or turmoil. But I don't get to decide that. I don't pick and choose life events, I don't have a clue the experiences they will go through. 

All I can do is be enough. When you are all she (or he) needs, just be there. I'm twenty-eight and clearly I don't suffer from separation anxiety from my mom; but I do still NEED her. I'm not sure if other adult women talk to their moms as often as I do, but I sure hope and pray that Reese will need me the way I need mine when SHE'S all grown up! 

This season is hard. It really feels like we are in the trenches of parenting Reese, and constantly I pray that God would teach me how to be EXACTLY the mom she needs. A lady from the group this morning shared something SO powerful I wanted to tell you all about. She said her eight-year old recently has been struggling with extreme anxiety when they have to be apart. She's read a lot of books and said she's always been the mom who ravishes her girls for being strong and brave and bold; but that she doesn't spend a lot of time focusing on them also being beautiful. That's kind of the generation we are currently in I think, because most of us women are like, "You're pretty but that doesn't matter! Look how SMART you are!" In a recent book she read, she learned something new that drastically gave her sweet daughter peace. This woman said she sat down with her daughter in a recent panic episode, and told her this: 

"You are brave and smart, you are kind, and wonderful. You are beautiful and you are LOVED."

I almost started to cry when she shared, because what a benediction of sorts those words are. Inside all of us [ME included!] there's something that needs to be reminded of those two things: beauty + love. Maybe Reese needs me to be more patient and understanding when she goes into a panic. Maybe I too, should remind her of all the GOOD truths that she is. Perhaps it is necessary that as a 3-year old, she is told OFTEN not only how great she is, but also how beautiful and LOVED. Maybe she needs more words of affirmation than I give? 

Maybe she just needs me. 

And today I'm breathing a little easier telling myself that that may be okay. It might be tiring (exhausting) and I may want to hand her off to someone else so I can have a 'break,' but it won't always be this way. Not to this extreme. And I want nothing else than my baby girl to always want to lean on me. 

**Mamas of young ones, do you have experiences similar to this? Do you have any tips or suggestions for putting your little ones at ease over being away from you? I'd love to hear from you, so comment below or shoot me an email [in my contact page!] As always, thanks for reading, thanks for being here with me, and I pray you find peace and comfort wherever you are in this stage of life!**