Better to be Loved than Admired

Have you read or finished Present Over Perfect yet? If you haven't grabbed a copy of this book, PLEASE do yourself a favor and fix that. I was screen-shotting and typing out ginormous passages, texting them to my friends and family every other day while reading this. The chapters are all heavily underlined, and so many of the words are forever imprinted on my brain because honestly, being present is something the Lord is earnestly trying to teach me. 

I had a massive break down last month; desperately feeling alone, seeking words of affirmation from family members and really feeling as though on so many levels, I just wasn't connecting. I was getting overly discouraged when Instagram posts weren't doing as well as others have in the past [like, how did I ever get 3k likes on ONE photo? That will NEVER happen again!] And that sentence and realization RIGHT there, is what this post is all about. Whose likes matter? Why do they matter? What is the POINT of social media? There are so many different lessons I want to tie in to what I'm trying to say, but I'll try to take it slow so that I don't completely overwhelm (or bore) you. 

In a podcast listening to Lara Casey share her story [another author I highly encourage you to get familiar with!] she encouraged her listeners to STOP searching. She said, "Imagine your followers to be real life people, because they ARE, and imagine them being at your dining room table. If you even have ten followers, ten people, that's actually a LOT of people to be hosting in your home. So it's not necessarily a good thing trying to find MORE followers, more people who aren't presently with you in this season, because then you are distracted and not pouring in to the people who ARE at your side." That may have been terribly paraphrased, but her point was to be content with the people in your life, and to check yourself to see how you are trying to invest in THEM. With 13k followers, that's a crap ton of people; people who wouldn't actually FIT inside my home or at our dinner table--but that is thousands of people I get to semi interact with and influence with my words via Instagram. Do all 13k SEE my posts? No, of course not. But many do! So what message do I want to share with them? And beyond that, with 13k followers, how many do I ACTUALLY have a real, meaningful relationship with? How many of us can say that we have one at all? You can have hundreds of THOUSANDS, millions even, of quote on quote followers--but are they who at the end of the day, matter? 

Going back to Shauna Niequist's book, she has an entire chapter dedicated to "It's All Right Here." Let me share with you my most convicting points (pages 110-114): 

• -Making someone feel loved in an instant is SO much easier than showering someone your love OVER AND OVER, day in and day out. 
• -It feels good to be good at something, to master something, to control something when marriage and intimacy often feel profoundly OUT of our control.
• -Little by little, we tiptoe away. 
• -The distance seems to always create space for another person, and then there's a whole new level of pain and violation. [YES, because this has happened TO ME]
• -When things are hard and painful and barbed at home, what a LOVELY thing it is to be loved at your work, right? What a lovely and DANGEROUS thing. 
• -It's EASY to be liked by STRANGERS. It's very HARD to be loved and connected to the people in your home when you're always bringing them your most exhausted self and resenting the fact that the scraps you're giving them isn't cutting it. 
• -It is better to be LOVED than admired. It is better to be truly KNOWN and seen and taken CARE of by a small tribe than adored by STRANGERS who think they know you in a meaningful way. 
• -People out THERE are easier than the ones in here. 
• -It's ALL in here, NOT out there. 

I'm here to tell you as a person with thousands of followers [and embarrassingly enough, as an "Influencer" this does not necessarily *sound* like a large number to me]; it doesn't matter, because you can and will still feel lonely. In another podcast listening to Dale Partridge talk with a Pastor, the Pastor said something along the lines of, "No matter the number, your feelings will still be the same." He said he had always imagined that when his church got to 500 members, that would be it, and he would feel like he had arrived. And he now has a church with over 40,000 people attending his different churches each week. The same goes for  many of us in our 'following.' [If you can't relate, bless you, but perhaps you still do with feeling fully loved and cherished inside your own walls.] I LITERALLY remember 10k being "the magic number" on Instagram. "Oh once you hit 10k, big things will start happening," I was told. Well, let me let YOU in on a little secret. That's not exactly true. "Maybe when I hit 15k?" I've thought. Or 20k? But honestly, I follow a LOT of 'mommy bloggers' and women who have an incredibly large following, and do you know what I hear as the common thread? 

That they can still be lonely. That they can still spend too much time on social media, that they often fall short of comparing themselves to other, to doubting whether or not they should just walk away, and so many other similar thoughts that I, a woman with 13k followers, have as well. Why? 

Because our love is not OUT there. 

Because our tribe is INTERNAL. 

Because the ones who not only KNOW us but LOVE us, are sitting AT our table. 

Because the children we are rolling around with on the floor, and the husband we hold hands with on the couch--they, are who matters. 

Sometimes this realization is scary. I've had lots of doubts about posting, sharing, writing, conversing. But a quote from Shauna sums my heart up so well, and I am guessing yours too: 

"Sometimes brave is being quiet. Being brave is getting off the drug of performance. For me, being brave is trusting that what my God is asking of me, what my family and community is asking from me, is TOTALLY different than what our culture says I should do. Sometimes, brave looks boring, and that's totally, absolutely, okay" (126). 

"...Getting off the drug of performance," yes. Do I need to post a picture every day to be loved? Maybe, to be admired. But deep down I know that relationships are not virtual; they are physical. I love the groups I'm a part of on threads on Instagram. I've gotten close with women in Colorado, California, Illinois, Canada, Oregon, North Carolina, and SO many different states. I'm thankful for them and I long to one day create an IG meet-up! But these relationships are not ENOUGH to BE enough. Do not second guess yourself because of your social media presence, do not doubt your identity based on the thoughts, moods, and opinions of others. 

It is better to be LOVED than admired. And friends?

You already are.

The Dishes Can Wait: Let's Talk

What is ONE thing you need to hear from someone today? I mean seriously. Stop what you're doing for a second (well, keep reading...) and just think. How would you feel if someone checked in with you like this:

I'm proud of you. 
How are you doing today? 
You are so beautiful. 
Thanks for being so great. 
Do you need a hug? 
Hey, do you want to go see a movie? 
Let's grab dinner. 
You are so incredibly strong. 
I just love you!

As I've gotten older, I can't believe what a 'words of affirmation' gal I've turned into. Yesterday I scaled a rock climbing wall.. When I entered that gymnasium and looked all the way to the top, I didn't think for a SECOND it would be me ringing the bell at the very TOP. But when I heard my husband cheering from below, I heard him say, "Reese is going to be SO proud of you, Ash! Ring the bell!" I looked to my right and saw the next rock. I took a slow and deep breath, and I reached so high for that glorious bell. DING, DING, DING!!!! High fives and hugs greeted me at the bottom, my friend Liz (aka BEST workout buddy) beamed with excitement. I mean encouragement, y'all--isn't it great?! 

I think most days we just move through our routines. We go to school or work, put our kids on the bus or send them off to the sitter; some of us are homeschooling our preschoolers--making breakfasts and lunches and ordering toys and rooms to be cleaned up, and naps to be had. Our husbands come home and we are tired; hair untouched, teeth lucky to be brushed. The pets have been cared for, house is put together, kids are still alive, but it's now what we moms like to call witching hour; and we are TIRED. We check Instagram and scroll, scroll, scroll. Maybe we throw in a double tap for a 'like' if it's a photo that spoke to us. We check Facebook; scroll, scroll, scroll. Sometimes we comment when something is funny or there's a cute photo we like. We'll like each other's statuses all day long, but often we forget to text our husbands, "Hey Babe, I am proud of you. Thanks for loving me." We forget to call or message our family and ask, "How are you doing? Is there anything you need this week?" To check in with our friends, "Is there a time that would work in the next couple of weeks to get together? Let's get dinner and catch up. In the mean time, how can I pray for you?" 

We are busy creatures, somewhat stir crazy in our souls. The days can be hectic and the nights long. We have babies and young children who don't yet know the importance of a GOOD nights sleep, and the thoughts that rattle through our minds when our feet need to hit the floor to start all over; well, they aren't always the most pleasant. I wrote a post a while back about finding God in the crazy--to seek Him first and to pray more often. To speak to HIM, more often. I think I've improved greatly with this, but Lordy how there's room to grow. And thinking outside of that, of the prayers that need to be had, the more scripture that YES, I do need to read...is ensuring that we as a community are caring for one another. 

Who haven't you reached out to in a while? What face pops into your mind as your read this and you think, 'hey...I wonder how ______ is doing.' Don't just wonder, find out. I swear I probably have 10-15 women pop into my head all day long. Heck, as I sit here writing it's like boom, boom, boom!!! Name after name, just flying through my tired mind! My pregnant hair dresser, Michelle, seriously, so many prayers are said for you. Same for my preggo girlfriend Britney! My sister in laws, my brother, my DAD, women from our old church... I mean really, the list could go on! I don't think we are all destined to be best friends with one another and I don't think that's ever the expectation within friendships. But I think we could do better at staying in touch with the women and friends that we love. Stephanie who came to dinner, I loved you! I'm SO glad that you're 28 and we have that in common and that you love dogs and animals as much as I do. Chelcey who does my web design and helps me form emails and newsletters and is my soundboard for life in GENERAL. Peg, my childhood best friend who I dream about living closer to, with your two boys and husband; laughing with you is quite possibly the best thing EVER. Lisa who lives in Boston, who spent a season living in Kentucky WITH me. Jerrica, who is quite possibly my earthly angel, you're my everything!! 

No, I won't list every single person that I love here in this space, because there's just too many of you and my mind is too fuzzy for that anyway. But I wanted to just throw this out there, that you, whoever you are and wherever you may be, I bet it really means a lot when you hear someone tell you that they are proud of you. It feels GOOD to feel strong and beautiful, radiant and loved. 

Can I encourage you today to think about the top three people that keep popping into your head? Outside perhaps from the regular people you talk to on a consistent basis (aka my husband and my mom hear from me 300 times a day...) Who are those people?  Ask them how they are. What about them makes you proud? What do they do well that they would love to hear from YOU? And then keep going about your day! The clothes to be washed, dishes to cleaned, tables to be wiped off, prayers to be said, books to be read, kids to be tucked in...it's all still waiting for you. I even bet that somewhere along the way, you'll feel more energized and recharged to DO those things, BECAUSE you took the time to brighten someone else's day. Those dishes can wait, for all of 2.1 seconds, am I right? Let's love the heck out of each other because frankly, we're worth it. 

Cried Out Eyes + Living Loved

It's late. My eyes are swollen and tired from not one, but two evenings spent crying. Not gonna lie, being a female doesn't particularly help this time of the month [I literally will sob over spilled milk], but you know what? I'm just tired. Tired of living unloved. Of not believing the Truth, of not claiming it. Of not living it. 

Have you been there? 

I have the very best women surrounding me in this season. I inherited sisters eight years ago and a sister was never something I had growing up. I have supportive parents. A prayer warrior of a mom. A loving husband. I even have a very large community of women here in this space, within Instagram and this blog, that I absolutely love and adore. So why then is my immediate reaction to conclude, "She doesn't love me." 

This afternoon I took a chance to share something vulnerable and immediately walked away from the computer in tears. I put words in their mouth, that never came from the person I contacted. I was convinced that I had made a mistake, that they thought I was silly or immature, and that surely they wouldn't love me as much after reading what I had to say. And then I was reminded of Lysa TerKeurst's words in Uninvited regarding the woman at the gym, "...obviously I don't know what went through her head, but it has me thinking about all the many times I assign thoughts to others that they never actually think. I hold them accountable to harsh judgements they never make. And I own a rejection from them they never gave me" (29). 

There were a few moments of silence, of no response, and suddenly a, 'Hey let me get back to you later!' and I was ready to hit the ground running. Except not really running. I sat. And cried. And felt panicked and at a loss. I hugged my husband as I choked on words, "I still can't handle some of my friendships losses, I can't believe that we don't hang out anymore. Why doesn't she want to be closer friends?!" And how all THAT baggage related to what I was presently going through--I have NO idea. Except that I do this often. It's a BIG reason I started seeing a counselor months ago, because deep down in my heart I knew that I was loved, and yet, I couldn't stop these negative thoughts. 

These negative thoughts should have zero place in my mind or heart. None. "You are a dearly loved sister, a dearly loved daughter to the mighty and kind KING," my brother's wife texted me recently. Is that hard for any of you to fully grasp, like it is for me? My counselor did some exercises with me and one of the methods we did was visually decorating a giant sign that said STOP. And any time I started to feel myself turn negative, or go down the irrational rabbit trail, I would say, "STOP, Ashley! This is NOT helping!" Sometimes, if I'm like really on it mentally and emotionally, that helps. But 75% of the time, truthfully it doesn't. 

Lysa said, "Live from abundant place that you are LOVED and you won't find yourself begging others for scraps of love." Ouch. (There's a reason I'm hosting a book talk for this book!) With every chapter I've been convicted and reminded of God's saving grace. Of how He loves me, calls me, encourages me to sit quietly at His feet. Or crying at His feet. However I am, He'll take me.

I, like you, live in a day and age where life is just hectic. Either we have kids to care for, rooms to pick up, meals to prep, exercise to be had, pictures to be posted, e-mails to respond to, stories to share, friends to hang out with, families to love on. Which all means, just how easily distracted are we? I want to be better at living more securely. I want to be able to do all of the above, but also when it gets hard and I'm sitting in my daughter's bedroom crying, of silencing myself at His feet. At feeling His love. I want to hear the words coming from the women in my life; from my parents, my husband, my own children, and to walk and LIVE that way:

Cherished.
Appreciated.
Valued. 
Loved.

Do you long for this too? Of dwelling in His trust that life doesn't have to be perfect; there can and will be conflict, moments of pause, friends who need to wait to respond. And that none of that means you are loved ANY less? I'm not sure how to help one another, other than maybe being one giant support group, but heck, maybe that's what we need? Anyone want to create a Facebook group for living loved? Ha. If you do, add me to it! But regardless, let's pray for one another, cheer each other on, and walk through this life together. Sister, you may be hundreds or thousands of miles away but I'm right here holding your hand.. Comment, e-mail, share with someone who needs this reminder today and please know; you are loved. 

ps: I was reminded after a *very* long phone call (aka cry fest) with my mom yesterday: the job will never be done. It will never be over. There will be days that we feel like we're put back together, our pieces picked up, like we're doing GREAT; and then we'll be left feeling unloved all over again and we will HAVE to remind ourself of the Truths from our Creator. Thanks, Mom. For always loving me, counseling me, and sharing a heart with me.

Friendship Breakups

Aren't seasons beautiful? Spring, winter, autumn, summer... but all of them are so drastically different from one another. If you think about flowers and plants, or maybe you have a garden, there is pruning and daily tending and nurturing to be had. Things bloom and things rest, and all is entirely necessary to transition to the next season. Also a necessary step to keeping a successful garden? Digging deep under the surface. Your hands will get dirty, but weeds need plucking, plants need trimming, and it's work. Hard work.

The same goes for friendships.

Lysa TerKeurst said, "I want the equation to be: make a friend, keep a friend. Live in a blissful place of fun connection. See eye to eye. Believe the best. Get along. Be nice. Collect hilarious inside jokes along the way. And fight for each other always. That's what I secretly hope for. But that's not reality. Sometimes the equation is make a friend, try your best with that friend, and things go cold" (66, Uninvited).

Lately, I feel like I've been in a LONG season of soul searching. Something happened after I had kids. Something switched inside of me. I became Mom and my areas of focus substantially changed. Two little hearts and bodies who need me, all the time. Scheduling hang outs became necessary, and often planned around the kids' nap and bed times. Honestly, it was terrifying to think about the kids being awake while I hung out with my friends. Noise and chaos? Who wants that when you want quality time. But that's not realistic. My kids aren't going to take a two plus hour nap every day, and they won't always be starting their bedtime routine at 7:30pm. They're going to grow up, and other people are going to have to be around them, and then what?

I went on a women's retreat to Nashville a few months ago with my Radiant Team. I was the only mom amongst the group and as we shared our hopes and dreams, emotions swelled to the surface. It all came spilling out of me one evening, I long for a friend who wants to be amidst the crazy. Who will be there during bath time and who doesn't mind talking over the chaos. Who sees the piles of laundry and doesn't think, 'Gosh this lady needs to get it TOGETHER,' but says, 'How can I help?' I don't mean to sound greedy--I really don't. Because if there's a lady out there who wants that from me, girl, I'm all in. I will bring my crazy children to your house to play with your crazy children and we can eat ice cream from the container and fold ALL the laundry.

 Lara Casey in her 'Fruitful Friendships' series said, "Little by little, meaningful relationships are cultivated. One small seed planted today can grow into a towering tree years from now. The little by little adds up. If we strive for overnight results, we might miss the good fruit that waits for us in the process—the growing part." How TRUE is this?? Deep and meaningful friendships do NOT happen overnight. They need pruning and cultivating and little by little; they can begin to grow. But what about the hurt you've experienced from prior friendships? Have you been there?

I never thought I would be the almost thirty-year old (ouch) woman who suffered from heartache over past friendships. I guess I shouldn't be TOO surprised, as I was always the sensitive girl who longed for everyone to be her best friend, but still in my adult life? There's just some pieces (big ones) that haven't quite healed. And when I sat in my first counseling session (yes, praise God for trained professionals to help us process!), she said, "For the next session decide what you want to focus on. Is it how to start believing that you don't NEED people in your life that don't help you feel complete? How to help you believe that you are the amazing woman that you?" I walked away thinking about all the things I needed to work on mentally and emotionally, not to mention spiritually and physically, and have decided that yes, that's what I need help with the most right now.

God is trying to teach me in this season. I can feel my heart being molded; I can sense my mind and soul becoming stronger and stronger. It's almost like HE is gardening my spirit. It's painful, but I'm beginning to sense the freedom. There are seasons for EVERYTHING. Springtime brings lots of rain and with it, fresh and beautiful blooms. Temperatures start warming and colors burst everywhere. In the summer so many crops are grown and harvested, I think back to the blueberries I picked growing up, how they took TIME to become the beautiful and sweet berry. Cooler air comes in, and the once green leaves begin changing color. Once they fall, the trees are left bare, and the fields are vast and empty. But Winter isn't really a season of death--no, it's a time of dormancy. Plants are busy storing their energy, preserving their nutrients, and waiting patiently to bloom  again in the spring.

Do you ever feel like you are living in a cycle of lack? Like you don't measure up? Have you taken it personally when it goes cold with your friend? All signs are pointing for me to seek God MORE. Lara says, "I am invited. Always welcome. Always loved."

Seasons change. Friendships and relationships change. It doesn't mean that they are dead, that you are cut off. It means you (and I) were loved for a period, and even if ended poorly, we can be grateful for the laughs and fellowship that was once had. 

"Little by little, meaningful relationships are cultivated." I'm so thankful for all the vastly different seasons of friends I have experienced. And I pray their time with me was blessed as well. For the long-lasting friends, the long-distance besties since age four, my heart will forever hold on to you. For my family and the dear sister-in-laws that I've been blessed to inherit, I am so fortunate. For the newer friends and Instagram friends and dear women I've met from this blog, I appreciate you SO much.

Let's be friends. And talk more in the comments below, I'd love to chat with ya'll!