Relationship Talk: Having Those BIG Conversations

Duh factor: no one LIKES to fight. Confrontation is hard, conflict makes us all feel uncomfy, and relationships can be so damn TOUGH. Especially when you’re in the one for the long haul. Everyone remembers their elementary boyfriends right? Or middle, or high school? Some of those looked like, “Hey, will you go OUT with me?” and thirty seconds later getting dumped by the jackass who was supposedly your boyfriend. Yeah, I’m not talking about THOSE relationships… so let’s cut to the chase now. I asked on Instagram recently for people to suggest some topics that THEY would benefit from, and what they wanted to hear from Asa and I; ya know, the oldies who’ve been married for twelve years!! [K, I get it, 12 years sounds like baby years to many of you reading this but I’ve also got the crowd of gals who are thinking, TWELVE YEARS?!?! THAT’S SOOOOO LONG!!] So, just keep reading because here is where Asa and I take turns sharing our hearts on having those BIG CONVERSATIONS……….

I remember one of my first fights with Ashley, she was clearly trying to get ME to end it with her. She was saying everything except “I want to break up”. The conversation/argument felt meaningless the longer it went on. So I leaned in, kissed her forehead and said “I’m not doing your dirty work for you. If you want out, you’ll have to do it yourself. I’m here for the long haul”. It was sort of a turning point for us. A maturation in our relationship. We started learning to shift our fights and conversations from “How do I win and prove my point” to “How do we grow through this as a couple.” It seems like such a small thing, but really, it’s one of the most important mental shifts we’ve ever made. 

Reading the blurb above from Asa made me wanna pop him—y’all know he did that same exact thing when I peed on the pregnancy stick and screamed, “What the F are we going to do?!” when I discovered we were pregnant…again?! He leaned over, kissed my forehead, and told me I’d have to break up with him if I wanted out…. I’m KIDDING. He so calmly and sweetly said, “We’re going to have a baby!” Yes, he’s generally the calm and level headed one, surprise surprise. But I don’t want you to think for a moment that our conversations or disagreements or arguments are always that EASY. Because they’re not. I remember that exact memory he recalled where I was trying to sabotage our relationship. And while it clearly worked out for us, and we DID mature and shift our fights and discussions; we still at times DO need to remind ourselves, “We can grow through this together…” 2020 Asa and Ashley also saw some serious maturation. The things that used to set us off and blow up as full blown fights have significantly diffused. We’ve learned when one of us is mad, especially REAL mad, picking at one another just won’t end well. We respect each other enough to give space, provide some time to step away, and nine times out of ten anymore we don’t get into yelling matches. (Lord, y’all, I’m going to eat my words aren’t I? Watch, tomorrow we’re going to lose our minds………………

Ashley and I both have a childhood upbringing in Church. We were raised in Christian homes by Christian parents who also had very different beliefs and views. If you have been a part of Christian culture for any length of time you already know they are one of the most divided groups. Christians bicker over scripture and interpretation of scripture at an unbelievable rate. Want some simple proof? According to Google, there are 30,000 denominations of Christianity world wide. Each one clearly believing their own unique brand of interpretation is the best. I digress, this post isn’t about the church. But it did lead her and I into some really heated and hard conversations about faith, what we believed, and how we practiced our faith. Some really, really big fights came out of it…

Yes, we were both raised in Christian homes by incredible parents. Very different parents. Very different churches. I have never ever been good at memorization and I don’t know the Bible super WELL, but I DO remember this verse (and have zero recollection when I actually memorized it): “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers, for what does darkness have in common with light?” [Don’t Google that, I was off in the exact words but you get the gist.] Friends— My point is, you NEED to have those faith filled conversations BEFORE you say you are IN it (your relationship) for the LONG haul. ESPECIALLY if you’re thinking marriage. Both Asa and I ARE Believers. We love Jesus, we seek God in ALL that we do; but y’all, we learned a LOT when we decided the church he grew up in and had spent twenty-four years being a part of, was NOT going to be our church home. I remember crying on the phone with my mom early on, (like first few months early on!) SO scared that I HAD made the wrong decision in marrying him. Asa and I had some BIG conversations and ultimately we came out on the other side very strong. Thankfully the Lord showed us how to cling to each other and how to find Him in our grace filled journey towards finding a new church.

Here’s the truth, the closer we got to marriage, the more important things like this were. You simply can’t hide the pillars of who you are early on, and then blitz your partner later with them. For both she and I, the single most important part of our identity then and now is our identity in Christ. So pretending it didn’t matter if we didn’t see eye to eye would have been completely disingenuous. Those conversations had to happen. And not just on religious matters; we had to discuss our plans for college, work, life, kids, previous relationships, sex, family, etc. Nothing could be off limits. Was it hard? Absolutely. Did we get angry and struggle to navigate through it sometimes? Of course. But remember, we were trying to grow through this as a couple, so it was always safe. 

Shew, this topic could get real heavy real quick, so I’ll try to keep it PG and I’ll try not to make anyone too cringy here. If you’re anything like me, you had some emotional baggage going into marriage. Beyond just ‘emotional baggage,’ maybe you even had experienced past sexual trauma. Is that hard for me to write in a blog post, shared on the Internet for God Knows Who to read? Sure, a little. But it’s the truth. It’s part of my story. As an eighteen year old and moving to a brand new city, I fell into the hands and life of a man and boss who did NOT have my best interest in mind. Shit happened, and while I take a weird sense of pride in exclaiming I never had sex with him, I didn’t have to for the toil everything that DID happen, to completely wreak havoc into parts of my married sex life. This is where BIG CONVERSATIONS are important, and SO MUCH SO in having them before you walk down the aisle; before you are lying in bed next to the amazing person you just committed your life to. A couple once told us they NEVER wanted to discuss with one another their past relationships (especially sexual it seemed.) We were both shocked because, friends, intimacy is not an area that any of us will (or should) take lightly. Knowing what is okay and what is NOT okay (in the bedroom and beyond), is so crucial. There are times and moments that I am easily triggered, and if Asa did not KNOW my past?? I cannot imagine what that part of our life would look like? Have the big talks. Be honest with one another. Am I saying you have to share every single nitty gritty detailed full event with your partner/spouse? Not at all…but I do encourage you to be honest and patient and to continuously pray and seek grace TOGETHER.

Here is the thing, we found out that what she and I were taught growing up shaped us, molded us, but didn’t define us. We took who we were raised to be, and grew into new people together. When topics that really were hard came up l(like sex, or kids, or where we would live)… we learned to work through it with love and patience. Ashley told me when we were dating that she never wanted children. (She can share more of that later or maybe she already has.) I told her that I wouldn’t force the issue, but that I had always said “If I have one kid, I’ll have two. No more than three”. I think you know how that story ends. Because early on, our understanding of who we are, and what we want would change a hundred times over. And big conversations have to happen in every facet of your relationship, and often, more than once. We STILL have big conversations. About money, future land, what we want to watch on Netflix, big important things. Those conversations are hard at times (especially the Netflix part…), but they get easier the more love and trust grows between us. I am confident when we need to have hard conversations, about big important topics, that despite the potential for hurt feelings, anger and resentment, the goal is always “How do we grow through this together?”

I love him. Isn’t he good? It’s so fun to read what Asa wrote throughout (we write these separately!) and to find my own thoughts and words and memories to fill in the spaces. But anyway—the point is, you can do this. And if you have zero desire TO do this with the person you are dating, you may want to do some soul searching and praying. If you’re married and this blog post has you freaked out, don’t let it. We KNOW having big conversations and tough talks are HARD. Relationships are hard, marriage is HARD. But it is also beautiful. I cannot imagine being with anyone else who knows literally ALL my deepest and darkest secrets, who has SEEN so much of my ugly, and who still chooses me over, and over, and over again. But hey, we are still human. We definitely have moments where we really don’t like each other, but we DO love each other. And we choose EACH OTHER, always. How do we grow through this together?

Lots of prayer (together), lots of laughter, lots of Netflix, and lots of love and grace.

The Story I Didn't Want to Share

The story behind the story. We all have one, but you know that. You know that the families you see in picture perfect Christmas cards aren’t actually perfect. You know that everyone, everywhere, has struggled somehow in their lives, even if they haven’t shared with you how. That beautiful woman you may envy, there is a piece of her that she wishes she could share. The funny guy you work with, who seems genuinely happy ALL the time? He does too. We all do. And that’s why I’ve decided that after five years, I am finally ready to share with you one of MY behind the scene stories.

Why? You may ask. Why now? Because, sweet friend, it suddenly dawned on me that there is a phrase you need to hear—and if it’s not you who needs to hear this, I am betting you have a friend who does.

SIN DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE, BUT NEITHER DOES GRACE.

My story starts with a four word sentence:

“You look cute today.”

I was lining my students up for lunch and had grabbed my phone to put in my pocket to take with me. I stared down at that text and my heart immediately began to pound outside of my chest. It was so loud I was sure someone would be able to hear it. I’m sure I turned red. I was flustered, taken back, but more than those things, the truth is is that I was flattered. But guess what, y’all. That text didn’t come from my husband; who it would have made sense coming from. And even more truth, I wouldn’t have felt as school girlish as I did, had it been from him.

Let’s take a step back for a moment, can we? I didn’t wake up one morning, dress myself in a any particular way for work, with the mindset that a man who wasn’t my husband would compliment my appearance. That day was just like any other normal day. Except the Ashley who received that four word text wasn’t the same Ashley as before.

I got married when I was 20 (no, I wouldn’t recommend it, however YES I am thankful that I did.) In 2011 I got pregnant, in 2012 had my first baby, and then I was nursing. I started to lose drastic amounts of weight (got down to 97 pounds!), my hair started falling out in clumps, my heart rate was through the roof ALWAYS, and I was diagnosed with postpartum thyroiditis (aka hyperthyroidism and my hormones were crazy bonkers.) Well, in 2012 after having my first baby, I got pregnant with our SECOND baby! Enter the pregnancy hormones again, add on having that baby in 2013, and then going through hyperthyroidism AGAIN. Throughout that time span, I was also overstaffed to a brand new school, where I didn’t know a soul, and relationships were pretty difficult to build because of my circumstances + tired mom stage. Who was I?? I was a woman with very unbalanced hormones, a very unstable mental status, and someone who was no longer secure in the woman that she was.

And just like that, my blinders came OFF.

Growing up I knew that marriage was hard. My parents fought like most other parents, and there were plenty of times that I wondered if mine would stay married. They always worked through their issues though and it was very evident to me from a young age, that love was a choice and mine were constantly choosing it. When I was a Junior in college I discovered some pretty life-shattering information about some choices my dad had been making; and that those decisions had been pretty ongoing throughout much of their marriage. All of a sudden some light bulbs fired in my brain: one, that a bunch of stuff made sense about their fights when I was younger, and also why my mom may have been so emotionally tired. And from that day, I embedded it into my heart and brain that when or if I ever got married, it would be the man who messed up. I thought that there was NO way I would do any wrong—that if my marriage was ever challenged or when things got hard, it was going to be my husband’s fault. He would be the one who would have a wandering heart or lustful thoughts…women didn’t do those things.

And then. “You look cute today,” turned into hiding text messages, changing my stories, and becoming completely distant to everything and everyone around me. He had been a really good friend, and then somehow, he became more. He turned in to the person I was venting to, the one I was looking for compliments FROM, who I wanted to ‘look cute’ for.

And then—shit really hit the fan when I started dragging Asa right through the mud I was stirring. I felt as though I didn’t have anyone to talk to, so every single night for a few weeks, I talked with him. Out loud I actually pondered what it would look like if I left. What would life be like if I left HIM for another man? I could visibly see his hurt, and knew what I couldn’t see was even worse. But every SINGLE night, my husband said, “Ashley, I choose YOU. I will be here when you wake in the morning.” I wasn’t myself though. Each night I went to bed pretty angry…I was confused, torn, and though I couldn’t see it yet, I was playing with fire and allowing such darkness to consume my thoughts.

Life began to go thousands of miles per hour. I was blinking and sinking faster, and faster, and faster. Recently my pastor at church said, “What are you going to do when the Sea comes and the tide doesn’t stop? You can either drown…? Or you can learn how to breathe.” Oh how I remember feeling as though I was drowning…My emotional affair lasted ‘only’ a few weeks. He and I had two episodes where we were hanging out outside of work with some other co-workers, and I knew it was over when he picked me up inside of the club and asked me to make out with him. “Put me down,” I said. I then told the girls I needed to go HOME. I knew, that the ‘harmless’ flirtatious text messages were no longer really enough…that was boring. He wanted more. I soon gave him a hand-written letter, explaining that I had to stop. I couldn’t do this anymore, Asa didn’t deserve it, my babies at home didn’t deserve it. We had to stop texting, we had to just be co-workers; normal co-workers. And guess what happened? He stopped. Just like that.

Oh, Ashley. If you had JUST put a stop to it as SOON as it began…it would have NEVER turned into anything, except maybe a moment of being flattered and blushing as you walked your students to lunch.

The flirting stopped, but the emotional distress didn’t. I started running. I would run through sketchy parts of downtown Louisville thinking that I was invincible; but at the same time, wondering if anything would happen to me. Or maybe I was hoping it would. I began struggling with feelings of guilt, shame, and even more, wanting to run completely away. I called my mom quite a bit, which was normal. I told her that I wanted to be done; that sometimes I envisioned myself just driving away and never coming back. I even wondered what would happen if I got into a car accident. I felt like I needed to be punished. I wasn’t suicidal, but at the same time, I wanted everything to just be over. I couldn’t see past the tide; the waves were so deep, and so strong. You probably know what those waves actually were:

• Shame

• Guilt

• Self-hatred

• Embarrassment

How could my husband love me through this? The turning point for me was a Sunday at church. I heard the Pastor quote the scripture, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide…” The words Asa had been saying every single night were now the words I heard literally from the pulpit, and it felt as though God himself was saying, “Ashley, you did not choose me, BUT I CHOOSE YOU.” You can probably imagine the tears that flooded from that point. It was the pivotal moment, my break through; the reprieve I needed to feel whole again. Once at home, Asa and I got the kids [then babies!] down for their long nap. We sat on the couch together, me in his lap curled into the smallest ball, and we wept. Long and hard, we sobbed together. ALL of it came out. The 100% truth, no cover-ups, no sugar-coating…I felt so bare and incredibly raw. Never in my life have I felt so much remorse, and never before had Asa’s arms felt so healing.

Friends. If there is something that I hope and pray you take away from this story; this heart breaking, difficult, vulnerable story—is that while sin does not discriminate, NEITHER DOES GRACE.

That Ashley back in 2014 had to go through something I really don’t wish upon anyone, but she was restored. Through the hardships that Asa and I endured, we went through a refinement process, and through it was grace, redemption, and complete restoration. Twenty-year old Ashley believed she could do no wrong in her marriage; that it would never be ME who caused heartache for my husband. And she was so very wrong. But thirty-one year old Ashley now knows, knows that it is SO important to cling to my Maker. If the blinders start to come off for anything, it doesn’t have to be lust or a wandering heart, it can be ANYthing, I beg you to cling to Him too.

Asa and I had the privilege of sharing our story at Church and if you’d like to LISTEN to the live version we told together, here is the link! I do not believe that I in my heart wanted to be with someone else relationally. I believe that suddenly I felt trapped within the label of wife + mom. I didn’t feel attractive, I didn’t feel happy, and I didn’t feel like ME. Years of unbalanced hormones and even the physical toll that my body went through, my heart began to wander. I thank God SO immensely, for helping my husband stay with me. For being patient, loving, and so forgiving. I also thank Him for my mom, who had ultimately been in Asa’s position for a very long time, and that she also showed me what grace and mercy looks like in HER marriage. She and my dad are very different people today, in amazing and humbling ways. And it’s all because when the tide came and refused to back down, they learned to breathe with it. (That’s their own story though, so I really only want to stress how proud I am of THEM, and how much I deeply love their marriage.) To those of you reading this, if you have been there, you CAN rise again. If you are currently battling the feelings of shame and wondering how you can ever find normalcy again, pray. Talk to God, tell Him every single thing that you are feeling, and then find help. You can always email me, always! You do not have to be alone. And if you’re on the OTHER side? Where your husband or spouse has walked through unfaithfulness, you can still email me and if you would like to talk with my husband, I can put you in touch with him.

I love you all. Thank you for reading, for YOUR grace, and your friendship here.

When You Ruin Date Night

Recently my husband and I had a date night. I’m not sure if those come easy for you lovebirds…? But for us, they are few and far between, largely because intentionally planning them hasn’t really been a priority throughout our marriage. Asa and I are REALLY good at nights in. Inwardly, we are kind of homebodies. Toss me my pajamas, give me my favorite blanket, and I am GREAT to curl up on the couch and binge watch ALL our TV shows with him. It’s not that we don’t enjoy going out, because we do. It’s always fun to get a babysitter, dress in real clothing, put some makeup on, and go OUT to a nice meal—it just doesn’t happen often, or even monthly for us.

[Now I’m curious…how often do you plan and go on actual dates with your spouse??]

Well, the other night we had gotten a great babysitter, the kids were excited and literally shooed us out the door, and Asa and I were soon sitting down at a restaurant. A little back story could maybe help this post make some more sense, so bear with me. It was a Friday night. My work week had been incredibly stressful; daily getting an influx of new students, and the days themselves left me feeling pretty drained overall. Also, I have been getting quite panicked about my quiet e-mail inbox and the lack of partnerships/collaborations being offered. I know January is always slower for Influencers and Bloggers, but for whatever reason, I have been FREAKED. Asa and I had spent most of the week spit balling about what I could do differently with my Instagram account, why I was dropping followers like flies, and praying about what I even want to be DOING social media wise. That, was also mentally exhausting.

Then, we started to talk about the horses. He never said anything offensive or hurtful, but for whatever unknown to me reason, I started to shut DOWN. I got super quiet (because that’s what I do when I first get mad), and then my emotions began to spiral out of control. The night in itself resulted in us fighting, and me going to bed without him.

I should clarify, this fight wasn’t loud, ugly, or out of control. But I was being and feeling completely irrational, Asa felt hurt and confused, and our one in a million date night was ruined. Has this ever happened to you?!

The next MORNING, I woke feeling just plain depressed. I was sad our evening didn’t go as planned, that I had once again let my bratty inner child surface, but yet, I continued to be a jerk. I remained quiet when Asa woke up. I didn’t make eye contact. And I couldn’t even explain WHY!!! I decided to sit down with my Bible and journal. I began to write down the parts that I could remember sensing my heart get upset as we drove around and talked. I wrote it all down, and then I realized this:

For whatever reason, I felt ALONE. But in actuality, I was far from it.

Asa has ALWAYS told me that he is here with me and for me, never against me. When I get downright angry because of my anxiety and worries, I tend to lash out at him or just speak aggressively and defensively. I can get so annoyed at my circumstances that I speak from my fear and NOT in love. I asked him if he could please read what I had written in my journal because that was the best way I knew how to process what I was feeling. He of course willingly did so, and then pulled me onto his lap…yet again reminding me that he is here WITH me. That he didn’t say anything to be hurtful or offensive, or to upset me—he had spoken some truthful statements, such as, “When we got Rocco, I thought we were agreeing to leasing Paddy to someone. That decision wasn’t me agreeing to be a two horse family, yet, in that moment.” He then had told me that it’s all OKAY, God’s worked it out beautifully so far and he’s not upset with me or the situation, that was just something he had noticed. And he was RIGHT. Back in September I thought for sure I would find someone to lease Paddy because I didn’t truthfully think that I could ever ride him WELL again. Then I rode him at his new farm, and ride after ride was wonderful, leaving me wanting to ride him AGAIN. I quickly had no desire to find him a new home or to have someone lease him, because I was doing the unimaginable. But when Asa said that, I took it so personally as if somehow he was disappointed in me or upset.

Do you ever do this? Project thoughts and feelings on to someone you love who does NOT deserve it?!

“Often, I STILL assign thoughts to others that they never actually think. I hold them accountable to harsh judgements hey never make. I own a rejection from them they never game me” (29). Lysa Terkeurst is by far still one of my favorite authors and her book Uninvited will FOREVER be teaching and reminding me. When Asa has something to say to me, he says it. Why or how do I get so caught up trying to read in between the lines, when there aren’t any lines to READ?

Anyway, friends. I ruined that date night. But I learned a valuable lesson by doing so. After ten years being married to the man that I love, I still need to calm the heck down and have a reality check. I also want to try harder to BE more intentional about actual date nights, and that is one of our goals together for 2019. Stay tuned, I’ll let ya know how our future February date goes ;) Asa and I strive to continue having an exceptional marriage, and I am forever thankful for the patient and loving man that he is.

Chapter Five: I Want to Fall With You

I was inspired to write this post quite a while ago,  yet I have been sitting on it, waiting for the right words and thoughts to flow. I may or may not have been inspired for this title by the Greatest Showman and the one scene where Zac Efron and Zendaya are singing 'Rewrite the Stars.' As I listened (and that song and soundtrack has been on repeat for daysss, Y'all), those lyrics stood out and I knew I had to turn them into something: 

"All I want is to fly with you
All I want is to fall with you
So just give me all of you"

I'll be real honest with you and say that at the moment, my husband and I are in an argument. It was a late night last night, feelings were hurt, and I ended up sleeping in my son's twin sized bunk bed (the kids were sharing the Queen in Reese's room). The last thing I said to him this morning was that I needed space to think and process and since then, complete silence. It's what I asked for though, right? I decided this is a perfect time to write about the notion of flying with your partner, and yes, even falling. We all go through it, so why not talk about it? 

Fighting is the worst. If you are aware enough in the moment to think clearly, even for just a moment, you realize you aren’t going anywhere, and that you have to work all this out. The trouble is, clarity in the moment is often very hard to come by, and you might as well have a back-hoe for how quickly you can dig that hole with your words. When she asked for space to process, I finally had that moment of clarity, only after I had created what felt like the grand canyon before that moment. Everything still had to be worked out, I was coming home to her tonight, how deep had I made my hole. 

It has been a week since my horse accident. While the title "I want to fall with you" kind of makes me cringe thinking just how far I LITERALLY fell from my precious horse, I think this phrase in a marriage is gold. In December, Asa and I will reach our ten year wedding anniversary. If you had told me when I was twenty all the numerous things and life events that would happen ten years later, there's no way I would have believed you. First of all, that young twenty-year-old who walked down the aisle was incredibly naive. She knew that bad things could happen, and that sure, there would probably be some tears and fighting, and she didn't have a clue what the vows would actually mean. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...? 

Watching Ash fall from the horse, and the moments that followed were some of the scariest of my life. Helpless and terrified were the feelings I could best describe. There was so much blood, she couldn’t move her hands, like at all. We had a very real fear that she was paralyzed. Terrified. Not at all like our wedding day. I felt calm, collected, ready. I kept waiting for fear and butterflies to come, for my feet to get cold…but they stayed warm, even in the snow and we were married. We made vows to each other, vows that we didn’t quite grasp then, and likely barely grasp now. But we made vows. Timothy Keller says when marriage gets hard we need to cling to the vows we made, vows we’re still learning to understand. 

Our first year of marriage looked like cheap Chinese takeout and Asa mowing our tiny patch of grass of a yard to knock off some money off our rent. We later stumbled through things like medical bills (did you know having babies is SO expensive????) Every year, God has been good to us and we haven't had to live in fear of not being able to pay our bills; but we definitely know what it feels like to scrap and scrounge for income. And it wasn't the first year of marriage that was the hardest (why do people even say that?!) It was the sixth. The year our sweet baby girl was born. Postpartum and Thyroiditis Ashley began to doubt everything--why did I get married so young? What if I wasn't cut out for this? Am I allowed to walk away? Imagine your husband sitting on the porch with you, dialoguing about all these questions WITH you. Processing WITH you. Standing firm and saying, "I will be here in the morning." That year ultimately ended with us getting I Choose You tattoos (our mantra for each other), and our marriage has since flourished. (Except when I sleep in a bunk bed because I am too stubborn to go back to bed with him...) Side note: get this resolved asap...

The first year was a breeze. We had no money, but we never had any before. So at least now we were broke together! It’s way more fun to be grateful for bad Chinese takeout with someone, that sit alone on the couch alone eating the same bad takeout. Money has always been an issue, and always been a means for God to show up. When I became a teacher I literally got the flu the same week. It also happened to run right into Christmas break from school. We were missing 3 weeks pay from me, and had no money for bills, food, anything. And this was after I got this salary job that was going to change our Chinese takeout status to actual date night in a restaurant status. God is funny like that, in my moment of financial achievement he reminds me how much we need him. People from our church provided for us in a way that I’m still humbled by. The real trouble came shortly after Reese was born. I’ll never presume to know how the mind of a woman works. But night after night, Ashley felt like running. She wanted to leave, or stay, or start over, or give up. Internally I was going through emotional hell, but I also knew the truth. I wasn’t going anywhere. And however this played out, I was going to have to dig out of this hole. So as hard as it was, I chose patience, I chose to sit and talk. We talked about our vows, our children, our life, the what if’s of lots of different questions. I think it was a season that brought us closer together. Somehow in the midst of this crisis, Christ shone in, and Love won.

I can remember Asa being really sick only one time so far. It was when he had the flu shortly after he was hired as a teacher. We hadn't yet begun planning or thinking about kids, and we lived in our second street apartment. I believe it was our second year of marriage? He had incredibly high fevers, a wretched and painful cough, and I've never seen him so miserable. I did my best to love and care for him, but honestly Guys, all of my memories are of sicknesses are the times he's cared for me. In sickness, and in health. He has nursed me back to health numerous times, as I am clearly the more sickly one in the relationship. I've had strep, the flu, random viruses, two babies and going through the postpartum recovery process, and now--NOW, a horse fall. I have a busted lip and a broken lady part and he has sat with me through it all. Fun fact: I recently broke down ugly girl crying after simply going pee, and then as I sobbed, told him I couldn't remember if I had taken my medications. My mind + my body have equaled one GIANT mess, and I just keep hearing those lyrics. 

I don’t get sick. I don’t mean that arrogantly. It’s just true. I was a healthy kid, and healthy still. I joke with Ashley that it’s because I drink 100+ ounces of water daily, and exercise 5 or more times a week, but I don’t really know what the reason. I do know I’m blessed to be healthy, and I don’t take that for granted. My poor wife on the other hand…when one kid sneeze I go by cold and sinus meds for Ash, because I know she’s next. The summer of 2016 was the most epically sick my family has ever been. From the moment school let out for the summer we battled Strep, stomach bugs, flu bugs, rashes, more strep, and a GI bug. When I went back to work in August I joked with my coworkers, that it was a vacation to be at school. Jokes aside, isn’t it wonderful to be needed? Not superficially, but actually physically needed. I “slept” next to my daughter and every 5-10 minutes I held her hair back with one hand and a puke pan with another. She survived the night because I made vows to my wife that carry over to my kids. And honestly, being needed is an incredible feeling. Exhaustingly incredible, but incredible none the less. 

Marriage. It definitely is not always sunshine and roses and unicorns. I'm not sure that he would picture unicorns in the equation of a happy marriage? But I'll roll the dice on that. Sometimes, we fight. We say hurful things, get a little too loud, feel all sorts of anger and resentment boil over in our insides, and coming back together unified can take a little while. There have been quite a few 'for worse' moments and memories in these nine years, but there have also been 'FOR BETTER' ones too: 
Our vacations together and the slow, quiet moments during them. Dancing in the living room, standing on the top of his feet. Laughing hysterically at quite literally the dumbest things. Building homes together, not literally building THE home, but making where we live home. Each one, each time, they've all been home. Having kids together. Watching him be a father. Praying together. Dreaming together. And even though he doesn't love to do this because he's such a hot sleeper, my husband is definitely the best Big Spoon on the planet. I never feel safer than when I am inside his arms, his arms wrapped around me--he makes me feel so small and yet so empowered when he holds me. 

Walking our dogs around St. James court, binge watching anything next to her, climbing mountains and waterfalls. Getting excited to buy a spatula in our first home. Building nurseries and filling them with babies and memories. Back porch sitting, practicing hospitality with her. Getting lost in neighborhoods, and coming up with cover stories about looking for our lost sister. Coffee and pasta. Goat cheese and sushi. Building dreams from conversations, and watching conversations come to life. Praying together. Splash parks, hikes, gardens, horses, open spaces, anywhere she's near. The quiet we can sit in, and have learned to appreciate. Sometimes the still moments near her, and the most valuable in my day.

The moral of my story? Fly with your spouse. But don't forget that while you're flying, there is going to come a moment that you are going to fall--how do you want to do that? Completely alone? Or wrapped in the arms of the one who loves and chose you?

 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’  and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:4-6