No More When/Then: Finding Contentment in the Here and Now

Have you ever thought, "When I do _________ then I'll be truly happy." Or if you've probably heard, "You know, when I reached thirty I really figured myself out." And, "When I turned forty, I completely stopped caring what other people thought; I became more secure in who I was." 

Currently, the sun is setting, the breeze is blowing, our globe lights are lit on the deck, my sleeping grey cat is nestled next to me, and I just took a deep breathe.

In.

And out. 

I'm working through the marvelous book Wild and Free by two dear, Christian sisters. I've never been fond at writing in books because I've always thought, "What if I re-sell these or give them to someone else?" but recently I decided to highlight the ish out of whatever speaks to my heart. Talk about self-therapy! It's helped me process words and thoughts SO much more effectively. So on page 132 it says, "We weren't living our dream life, and we certainly weren't living anyone else's dream. But we were alive by the skin of our teeth. We were still together, still standing, and still calling on the name of the Lord." [highlight, highlight, highlight!!!]

Coming from someone who has always had the mindset: When and Then, that paragraph was a major conviction. I mean seriously, for the past few years while I've struggled immensely with finding contentment, my life kind of flashed before my eyes. Here I am, twenty-eight years old, a wife of almost eight years, a mother of two children and I have to stop and remind myself: "We are still together, we are still here, and we daily call on the Lord." 

Not too long ago I wrote an article called, "Why I Stopped Telling My Son to be Big and Strong." There I shared a tidbit of how I've literally wished my entire life away and how I am trying to teach him how to be present. I always wanted a boyfriend and longed for independence; then I moved six hours away and now desperately miss my Michigan home. I dated and longed for marriage (well, only when I had met my husband because prior to him I didn't think I'd GET married.) Then babies. Then a teaching degree. Then a Masters. Then photography. And more photography. And to quit my day job and to stay home with my babies. I've wished for my dream home--ya'll know which one: the white farmhouse with the wrap around porch (that doesn't yet exist or in the very least, we can't find it...)--it has chickens and horses and barn cats and gorgeous green grass for miles on end. 

But wait. 

My happiness can't, or shouldn't, depend on my circumstances. My life is not awaiting peace and complete astounding joy only WHEN I sit on that future (completely hypothetical) front porch. I don't want to "find myself" in two years when I turn thirty (omg..) I don't want to live in the When/Then state of mind anymore.

Sometimes I'm an emotional wreck over the fact that my kids are getting bigger. Newborns, a year, the two's and three's; all these years have been indescribable; they're wrapped in pure chaos but contagious laughter and sweet memories. I fear them getting older--will life be as sweet when they're five, six, ten, fifteen, thirty-five, fifty? All of you experienced moms to older children are reading this and saying, "Duh, Ashley. Don't be dumb." But this is only to show you that seriously, finding and resting in contentment is for ME, continuously challenging. 

I hope that wherever you are in life, you can take a moment as you read and breathe deeply.

In. 

And out. 

Do you have people in your life who love you? Do you KNOW that you are loved? That wherever you are, whatever you've done, you've accomplished some pretty great things? Life might not be going "as you planned." Your heart may long for something deeply; pregnancy, a baby, lots of babies, marriage, to be more fit, to be more secure, to find THE right guy or gal...

I don't know what you long for. But I have absolute faith that God does. 

If you have Wild and Free, will you please turn to pages 135-139? I won't sit here and type out word for word what these ladies say, but there is something here that really meant a lot to me and that I think YOU too will benefit from hearing:

"Wild women are secure in their identity because their eyes are on the Lord...Wild women live at ease with all their weaknesses and strengths, sin and spiritual gifts, because they are inextricably rooted in a God who covers and uses it all...A wild woman doesn't have time or space to feel insecure, because her thoughts and affections are for Him and for how immeasurably great He is" (135). 

Ya'll... I am a blessed woman. But I think you are too. As I sit out back, my kids are pulled up on the monitor via my phone and they are sound asleep. Crickets are chirping, birds are saying their good-nights. Tree frogs are croaking, my cat ditched me but my massive dogs lay beside me, helping me feel safe and protected. Right now there is no When/Then even remotely crossing my mind. Because for right now, God has met me here. 

"For I know the plans I have for you...Plans to prosper you, not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future"-Jeremiah 29:11

Hugs, Sisters and Friends. I love you all. 

A Tribe of Radiance

A long time ago, I submitted my first few articles to a blog called The Radiant Life Blog. Lo and behold, and much to my surprise, the founders e-mailed me some of the sweetest notes of encouragement and chose to publish them. Little did I know that as the seasons changed, that I would eventually be asked to be a columnist of an online magazine for the Motherhood section, by one of those same women. 

The Radiant Life Blog over time took some drastic changes. Founder Kelsey Chapman, stuck with the title Radiant for her current magazine, and after this weekend, I absolutely know why. Through Kelsey, God chose women from all around the globe to join together for two whole days to discuss dreams, visions, goals and share creative inspiration. 

"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." -Psalm 34:5

Who would have thought, because I sure didn't, that so many women could be so diverse, all with incredibly unique stories and backgrounds, to share in one single vision: to empower women, near and far, all while seeking the Lord. 

Friday night I made my way to Nashville where I would be greeted by the sweetest, most genuine ladies who I am now blessed to call dear friends. On this Radiant Retreat, we shared our stories, what makes our hearts skip a beat, and then we laughed--a LOT. 

Amongst my notes of what I plan on saying yes to more, I wrote, "intentional and authentic friendships..." For the first time in just a really long time, I felt a sense of community that I've been lacking. As I sat in the middle of the living room couch, surrounded by these Godly women, I saw God's vision for my life come even more clearly in my head. "If I had unlimited resources and funds, I would own a horse farm, get paid to write and take pictures, and empower women and youth," I jotted. 

One way that I realistically plan to empower women is to continue writing two columns a month for Radiant. Am I the expert in Motherhood? Of course not! But I do feel called to be a mom and every single day I am so thankful that God chose ME to mother the two incredible children that I am. I also feel so blessed that walking beside me are 14+ contributors, writing about marriage, dating, fashion, beauty, whole living, fitness, music, and much, much more. It isn't ourselves that we are striving to work for though, it's 100% our Creator, who has helped make Kelsey's dream a reality. 

We aren't perfect. We don't have all the answers. We are going to mess up, make mistakes, and be in need of lots and lots of grace. But my Lord HOW beautiful that all is, am I right?! If you haven't yet made our way to Radiant Magazine, please go NOW. Check out ALL the lovely contributors that are there thus far; curl up in your favorite blanket with a cup of hot tea and read the wide assortment of columns and articles that await. 

A very special thanks to Meredith, who opened up her GORGEOUS home all weekend long, where she provided us with fresh linens, comfy beds, and lots and lots of coffee! I absolutely adore you, Girl, and am so thankful God intertwined our paths!

Thoughts on Failure

I remember being in the eighth grade and working on a writing piece about myself. It was some sort of self-reflection and one of the questions our teacher wanted us to think about was, "What are you afraid of?"

My mind immediately jumped to the literal of the word 'fear.' What did I fear? Hhmm, I am terrified of the ocean and sharks, I thought. I can't write about that though, that seems silly. I looked at my teacher, "Mrs. Nooney," I began. "What am I afraid of?" She put her hand on my shoulder and instantly replied, "Failure."

I remember how my heart felt in that moment. Smack dab in the midst of my middle school Language Arts class, I felt like I had just left a therapy session. Silently, I nodded. I wish I remembered what more I wrote about or what I did with that piece, but I won't ever forget that initial recognition of someone seeing in to my soul.

I don't consider myself a perfectionist but at twenty-eight, I'm realizing that I hold on to a lot of unnecessary thoughts and just stuff. I've blocked out bits and pieces of my past, some on purpose and some because of circumstances, but something that has followed me over the years is this internal fear of screwing up. I don't strive to be the best at everything and Lord knows I'm not. I'm not the worlds greatest teacher or photographer, heck, I have a TON to learn in both areas. I'm not the BEST mom or wife and I screw up a lot in both of those roles.

Over the last year I have often struggled with letting things go. Social media is a strange place for me and while I love it, I also see how the Enemy strives to use it against me. When I've gone to write on a friend's wall and they're no longer there, (aka they unfriended me), I've heard thoughts like, 'She must really not like you. You must have done something wrong.' In reality, they might just not want to see me on social media! It doesn't mean they hate me or that we can't be friends, it just means that they're fine (and I need to be too) with our lives not connecting in that facet. Or I'll see other friends, living their lives and forming new friendships, and I'll hear, 'She doesn't need you anymore.' How is that a beneficial or even remotely rational way of thinking? But those lies are there.

Why?

Because failing at relationships is hard for me. Losing friends or not being liked are amongst some of my greatest fears. I don't want to fail at loving others and I don't want to fail at being loved.

I recently read, "The opposite of faith isn't doubt; it's control" (Wild and Free). And you know what? This couldn't be more true of my life. My husband helps me rationalize my sometimes crazy thoughts and he pointed out that I can tend to obsess over the things that I can't control. Not being everyone's best friend; can't control it. Being unfriended on Facebook or unfollowed on Instagram; can't control it. What others think about me; no control. There's a pattern, and it all adds up to this: I just don't want to fail.

I am really good at preaching to you about how life is okay though, let's be real. And aren't we all? We are so good at telling others to let the small (and sometimes big) stuff go. We're good at telling our friends that it's okay to cry, that God has a plan, that they are beautiful how they are, that they are crazy talented and all around just how wonderful they are, but where is the grace for ourselves?

Moment of truth: there are a lot of other things that I fear failing at, such as intimacy. Poor choices from my past have really tormented with my heart and brain and as early as a week ago, tears streamed down my face in the midst of a moment with my husband. It's never happened before, I've never reacted that way to his touch and then there I was, trying to get my s*** together because HE is not the one who abused me. I didn't want to appear weak, I didn't want to admit that ten years later my heart still hurts, I didn't want to fail. [Thank GOD for a gracious and loving husband, am I right ladies?!]

Have you ever read John 14:27? "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you... Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Or Isaiah 26:3, "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You."

When I begin to fear coming undone, when I want to run from my imperfections and people please the heck out of every loving person, I pray I can turn to those verses. "If you're not living in freedom, you're living in fear. Fear and love cannot occupy the same space, and neither can deep-rooted fear and freedom...He is our refuge. He will lift us out of our debilitating fear. He has chosen us anyway" (Wild and Free).

Sisters and friends, He is good. I do believe this and I do claim this, it's just something I haven't yet mastered living yet. Whatever you're walking through right now, I pray you can see Him. That you can have a quite moment, take a breath and know that you are so loved. We all have fears, whether big or small, whether they seem trivial or consuming--but there is so much grace and forgiveness to be had.

My 4-Year Old Isn't Fat

"Mommy, look at my belly! It's sitting up! (means sticking out) Maybe there's a baby in there!"

My son was looking at the photo I had just taken of him and his little sis eating their ice cream cones. I actually laughed loudly because he said it with such vigor and exclamation, but now I'm re-thinking that decision.

The very next night he was taking a shower with my husband after they had spent a long time gardening. "Daddy, look how FULL my belly is! Maybe I shouldn't eat breakfast or lunch tomorrow?" he asked. My husband bent over to be on his level and said, "Oh, Buddy Boy. You're perfect how you are! You're growing and it's wonderful!"

Later my husband and I privately talked.

"Where would he have learned a question like that?"

"Do you think he's insecure?!"

Maybe we're overreacting. Perhaps it really wasn't a big deal and he's simply starting to recognize that his tummy expands after he eats a meal. But oh my heart... how I pray the feelings of insecurity AWAY from my sweet, dear boy!

We don't talk negatively about body image in our house. Before they were born we agreed that we would fight tooth and nail to not let them hear the word "fat" or "awful" or "too big," when referring to ourselves. Brave, strong, courageous, handsome, cute... those are the adjectives we use more often than not when loving on them. Behind our walls, may they never feel the weight of insecurities.

But we all know that can't really happen. Someday they'll go off to school. Kids will be mean and say hurtful things. They'll get their first zit, they'll be made more aware of society's 'ideal image' for men and women. But how fervently I pray that their worth is never found in their physical characteristics alone.

It could have been nothing.

It's probably no big deal.

Even though I will fight to help him feel so incredibly wonderful, just the way he is, my heart aches at just the thought of my barely 4-year old son thinking that perhaps he should eat less to stop his belly from growing.