It Doesn't Have to be a Battle [Raising a Strong-Willed Child]

There are a few things that people say every time they meet our daughter Reese:

a) She's SO cute!!
b) She has such an amazing personality!
c) Watch out... she's going to give you all a LOT of trouble!

All three of those are very true, but the last one is the one that tends to bring me the most stress. I mean, the girl is not yet three and she has more opinions than a politician.

For instance, I have medium length hair and I can't stand to have it on my neck. By the end of the day I'm hot, tired, feeling absolutely disgusting and 90% of the time, all of that results in me throwing it up in a messy ponytail. When I walk in the front door, Reese exclaims, "No, Mommy!! Don't wear your hair up! Don't wear your hair up!!!!" Seriously it's so bad, that I'm at the point of shaving it. [Not really, but seriously!?] I want to say, "Daughter, I will WEAR my hair however I f'ing choose to!"

The battle of wills has begun and honestly? It can be a little intimidating to have such a strong-willed child. It's not that she's BAD, because she's not. There's a few things that she's realizing: she knows she's funny. She knows she makes people laugh. And as her intelligence grows each day, she is learning that she has choices and a very large voice to make her preferences known.

So here's what I am learning about raising a strong-willed and independent child:

-Giving her choices is uber important (and can also be very trying): which shoes to wear, shirt, shorts, pajamas, toy to bring in the shower or bathtub, which color sippy cup, etc.
-Sometimes a firm redirection just doesn't work. She needs a friendly voice combined with a firm voice more often than not. With our son, we can tell him, "Go clean up your mess," and while sometimes there's a few grumbles, he knows just to do it. With her, being told, "Go do such and such," needs a little extra coaching. "Hey, you can leave those two toys out that you're still playing with, but let's clean up the rest." Usually if we add friendly to firm she starts singing the 'clean up' song and gets the job done.
-Sometimes I need to walk away. This is the area I struggle the most in, and obviously telling my toddlers, "I need a break," and closing a door isn't feasible. But picking my battles is crucial. Is it the end of the world if she leaves the bathroom to brush her teeth? Or if she left three toys out when she they're all supposed to be put away? There are little things that every mom of a 2-year old deals with... and as long as she's listening and obeying? I have to remind myself to breathe and CHILL.
-Catching the positives and praising her often is essential, as is making sure she hears them. I grumble, a lot. And the second she did it back at me I knew I had made a mistake. Guess what? Now she does it ALL. THE. TIME. I didn't even know I had done it audibly but here we are. So when she instead responds to me with, "Okay!" Or, "Yes, Mom," I praise the HECK out of her. There are lots of days when I feel like I am redirecting both kids 24/7, but it's actually helped each of them when I pass out positive affirmations while they are doing something GOOD. These types of moments can be easily missed; the sweet responses, the obedience to small tasks, but noticing them is vital.
-She's doesn't hate me. No, but for real, aren't there some days when you take the things your kids do or say personally? Bedtime has been rough for us lately, mainly for me. She tests every ounce of my limits when it's my turn to put her down. She wants to be funny and try to escape the room or her bed or fight the covers, and it can make me SO angry. And come eight o'clock at night, I'm just TIRED of redirecting kids. But she's not being disobedient because she hates me, she's doing it because for whatever reason she thinks MY rules are guidelines (she doesn't act that way with Dad!) and she needs my help understanding otherwise.
-She seems super strong at times and much more independent than her brother, but she still needs lots of love. She sometimes puts on a hard face and crosses her arms over her chest out of anger and frustration, but often those are the times she needs to be scooped up and hugged the most.

Man is this going to be trial and error though, am I right? Who would have thought that there would be SO many articles on "SWC"  (Strong-Willed Children)?? And it's not even that her brother is perfect or that we don't struggle with him; he's a rule follower and extremely Type A, (completely opposite from her!), but there's learning to be had with mothering him as well (duh, right?)

I have quite a few favorites that she does at the moment: stretching her arms high in the sky faking just waking up, omg, so funny. The way she wants to wait on the porch and watch me leave each day as I head off to work, tears. Her, "I need a hug, Mommy! I need a kiss, a kiss!" on repeat at naptime, bedtime, anytime...oh I love it. How she mothers her babies, singing them 'Sunshine' and rocking them to sleep... a glimpse into what a wonderful mama she will someday be!

Strong-willed children don't translate to bad children. It doesn't mean that they are terrible kids or disobey just to be defiant. I can't even begin to fathom all the GOOD she is going to do. And I really believe that with her Daddy's and I help, she won't allow the world to change her, but that she will change the world. Peer pressure, hopefully she'll breeze right past it. Being a pushover, I don't think that'll ever be an adjective anyone uses to describe her. Her favorite song is 'Fight Song' by Rachel Platten and she especially loves to watch the Supergirl show's Intro (with that as the theme song). She is brave, sweet, loves hard, and her firecracker personality is helping me as her mom grow and be better each day.

**Anyone else have a strong willed child? Or maybe you have a rule follower and are learning how to better parent him/her. Maybe you have both like I do? I always love hearing from you, jot me a note and share your tips and tricks and/or how YOU stay sane ;) ** 

My 4-Year Old Isn't Fat

"Mommy, look at my belly! It's sitting up! (means sticking out) Maybe there's a baby in there!"

My son was looking at the photo I had just taken of him and his little sis eating their ice cream cones. I actually laughed loudly because he said it with such vigor and exclamation, but now I'm re-thinking that decision.

The very next night he was taking a shower with my husband after they had spent a long time gardening. "Daddy, look how FULL my belly is! Maybe I shouldn't eat breakfast or lunch tomorrow?" he asked. My husband bent over to be on his level and said, "Oh, Buddy Boy. You're perfect how you are! You're growing and it's wonderful!"

Later my husband and I privately talked.

"Where would he have learned a question like that?"

"Do you think he's insecure?!"

Maybe we're overreacting. Perhaps it really wasn't a big deal and he's simply starting to recognize that his tummy expands after he eats a meal. But oh my heart... how I pray the feelings of insecurity AWAY from my sweet, dear boy!

We don't talk negatively about body image in our house. Before they were born we agreed that we would fight tooth and nail to not let them hear the word "fat" or "awful" or "too big," when referring to ourselves. Brave, strong, courageous, handsome, cute... those are the adjectives we use more often than not when loving on them. Behind our walls, may they never feel the weight of insecurities.

But we all know that can't really happen. Someday they'll go off to school. Kids will be mean and say hurtful things. They'll get their first zit, they'll be made more aware of society's 'ideal image' for men and women. But how fervently I pray that their worth is never found in their physical characteristics alone.

It could have been nothing.

It's probably no big deal.

Even though I will fight to help him feel so incredibly wonderful, just the way he is, my heart aches at just the thought of my barely 4-year old son thinking that perhaps he should eat less to stop his belly from growing.

Worn: Athleta©

When Athleta reached out to me for this collaboration, let's just say I was a *little* excited.... okay, who am I kidding, I was thrilled! If you haven't yet worn a piece of their clothing, you absolutely must get a few pieces from this collection. Check the captions below some of the pictures for direct links to the items worn! 

Top: High Neck Stripe Chi Tank

Shoes: Scout Slip On Sneaker Dr. Scholl's

Top: Highline Sweater Tunic 
Bottoms: Cozy High Wasted Metro Legging

Sweater: Kennewick Crew Sweater

Button Down: Headlands Shirt

Top: Open Knit Wrap

I have nothing but excellent things to say about Athleta and their brand. As a very busy mom of two, I long for comfort, quality, and something that looks great while being BOTH of those things. Thanks, Athleta for this opportunity and ya'll, SERIOUSLY go get yourself some of these amazing outfits! 

Let's Be BAD Moms!

I don't go to the movies. Like, ever. So when my sister in law said she'd go with me to see Bad Moms in the theatre, I was super ecstatic. I don't know about you and where you live, but movie tickets are way too dang overpriced here in Kentucky. I grew up where tickets cost $5 and a giant diet coke was $3 (oh, and we had free refills!) Before walking in to the theatre, I had some definite pre-movie-attending-anxiety. 

Please don't suck. Don't be a waste of time. Please be worth every single cent we just spent to get in here and slurp on our $7 soft drinks!

But lo and behold, seconds into the movie both of us were dying laughing. Don't get me wrong, the F Bomb is dropped every five seconds but oh.my.gosh soooooooo worth it! The main character (played by Mila Kunis) seems to have the "perfect life", but just like most moms, she's completely over-worked, exhausted and way over-committed. She meets two women, who couldn't be more opposite from one another, and together they have some way overdue fun encompassed by tons of laughter and tears. 

As the movie ended I thought, I have to write about this! And then I received a Facebook message from a dear friend of mine who solidified this need to write even more. 

"Do all moms feel like they could be better moms? Or do I just suck...After I put her to bed and she's lying next to me (yes, she sleeps with me), I look back on the day and see all the wasted opportunities for her to learn and grow and for us to grow together, because I had other shit to do. And I see this angel, God's GIFT to me, peaceful beside me, and I feel like the biggest f'ing asshole..." 

Ladies? How many of you are RIGHT THERE? 

"I feel like a bad mom. I feel like I could be better. Like she deserves BETTER. I don't know how anyone does it, if you're not a millionaire who doesn't need to work or cook or clean or pay bills...I don't have childhood memories with my mom. She was working or grumpy. That's what I am? I'm THAT?!? I don't want to be that. I don't want to be too tired or too grumpy or too BUSY. It isn't fair."

Isn't that what we all are? We are tired, we are grumpy, we are busy. We are MOMS. WHY are we so hard on ourselves? In this day and age, it seriously IS pretty impossible to be a good mom. These lines in the movie had me splitting up and also need to be said here:

"There are so many f'ing rules now" 
"Don't punish your kids." 
"Don't say NO to your kids." 
"We all work too damn hard trying to make our kids lives amazing and magical. Their lives already ARE amazing and magical. Screw it. Let's be BAD moms." [Kiki, Carla and Amy from Bad Moms]

Maybe it'll help you if I offer some personal perspective. Guess what my four year-old wants to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY? I'll give you a guess: NOT spinach and kale.. Nope. Try Pizza Luncheables. And the first thing my kids do when they wake up in the morning? Use their iPads for 15 minutes (cough, or thirty, cough) so that I can drink my coffee and keep my talking to a minimum. I hate mornings! What in the world am I going to do when I stay home full time come  this winter?! Oh, probably the same thing. 

Does it make me a bad mom because I allow Luncheables to be "lunch" three days a week? Or that I give them screen time when I need a break? (If you say yes, we probably shouldn't be friends....) 

This job is HARD. It's emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually EXHAUSTING. We work jobs outside of the home and come home to more work, or we stay home and there's a crap ton that go unnoticed by the littles ones we are raising. And no matter what your other titles are, I can tell you that being the Maid, Chef, Nurse, Handyman, Therapist, Friend, Pooper Scooper, Professional Cuddler, Discipliner and so freeking much more... all roll into a giant combustion of what MOM really is. 

But yet, we feel guilt. We don't want to be remembered for our yelling, for our tears, for our frustration. We want our kids to have these picturesque memories of rainbows and sunshine and kitten cuddles and nothing but laughter as they tell THEIR kids what their childhood resembled. Well I'm here to encourage you--be a BAD mom! 

Take care of yourself. While your kids play hide and seek go lock yourself in the bathroom for three minutes to breathe and have some positive self-talk. Make arrangements to go out with a girlfriend and do whatever the HECK you want. Laugh. Cry. Punch a punching bag. Go for a run. Eat a pint of ice cream. And then keep being Mom. 

I bet you're doing the best you can. I know my friend who sent me that message is! She is a woman who I admire immensely, who has always been a go-getter, working herself through college and raising a kid at the same time. I bet you get angry and your kids have seen you cry. I bet you've raised your voice at them and screamed for them to go to their rooms. I bet you've had to apologize and ask for forgiveness and grace. And I also bet you have hugged them, and danced with them and taken them out for ice cream and slushies and to the theatre where they can have THEIR very own bucket of popcorn and too big of a soft drink. 

So ladies? Why don't we breathe? Give yourself a pat on the back and go ahead, give yourself slack, "I'm going to be a BAD mom!"