Life Lately as a Horsewoman: Still Trusting

I’M IN A FUNK.

You’ve been there I’m sure. When you have a lot of things going on mentally and it’s all filling up your head space, and you are consumed by what ifs, questions, and the worry of unknowns?

I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety or anything for that matter, but I know for a fact I struggle with anxiety—especially when circumstances arise that are out of my control. This week I have worried about our dog’s toenail healing properly, personal family matters, and my horse, Paddy. Lately what I think about 90% of the time, is worrying about and for Paddy. (I also realize that my largest concerns are with our animals, so actually having a ZOO may not be the BEST for my life? Buuuuut that’s my reality, so on we go.)

I started a blog post LAST August that I actually never published. In that post I was so worried because Paddy at that point was exhibiting stallion like behavior (I.e. charging at us and kicking my husband), and we knew we were going to have to move him to my trainer’s farm. I remember last summer worrying that I wouldn’t ever be able to ride him without fear, and it absolutely amazes me that this summer is completely different. Not to mention he is back to his normal self at my trainer’s, happy as a clam with other geldings, and he’s had ZERO behavior issues! I hopped on him the other day and rode him down the long driveway; no other horse to accompany him, and NO fear was to be had on my end. Once I got him in the arena though, I tried to trot him and realized something ELSE: he just isn’t fun for me to ride.

I feel so cold saying that out loud, but it’s the truth. There is something wrong in his hind end, and there are a ton of things that it “could” be. He has been working with my trainer for over a year now, and he just isn’t making any improvement as far as moving forward and using his body. EPM is the first worry, and there are SO many expenses to consider when diagnosing and treating. Maybe he needs a chiropractor and there’s something slipped in regards to a disc or something (completely a GUESS). Maybe he’s hurting and I don’t know it and he needs injections somewhere like hocks or stifles. (MORE MONEY.) There’s a lot. When he trots he feels like his backend is left 50 feet behind, and it is so hard to get into a smooth posting trot; it’s just not fun. He does fine at the walk, and yesterday when riding with a friend, she said, “He would make a great trail horse!” And maybe he would?! We’ve never tried him on trails, but maybe that’s actually something he would enjoy. Maybe I’ve had it all wrong from the beginning and my expectations have just been too high. And maybe somehow and some way, the Vet who is coming out on Thursday can help me find actual SOLID answers, and he WILL become a comfortable mount to ride. But maybe not.

All the while, expenses add up, and we continue to do the guessing game. I often wonder, “Will I be able to afford board this month” and spending money monthly on a horse to ride who I don’t really enjoy riding; does that even make sense? I LOVE Paddy. Genuinely I have more of an emotional connection with Paddy than I probably will ANY horse, because he is my first horse. I wanted one since I was in kindergarten and well, he just happened! From that unpublished blog post, I had written this:

As I have written, I've hesitated to be honest. You see, I am very much a people pleaser and I have always cared (too much) about what others are thinking--especially the ones I look up to. My wonderful friend Lauren recently said this: "Ashley, there is NO point in even allowing yourself to think that Paddy should have gone to someone more experienced, or that you should have gotten an older/more experienced horse. That is pointless, because it is what it is. You have Paddy, and he is part of your story." He has been with us for almost five months, and a LOT has happened in such a short amount of time. Paddy is my heart, and he always will be. And I am praying that instead of claiming this as a failure, I can continue to peacefully turn the pages of our book and patiently await the ones to come.

It’s now been a year and three months and while it is upsetting to me that I still don’t KNOW, it’s clear to me that God is STILL saying, “Just trust.” The biggest thing I have struggled with on this journey has been patience, trust, and faith. I’m 99% sure it’s not horses that stress you out, but if you ARE a horse person reading this, you may have been there and can relate. And if you’re not, I’m sure there are other areas that you struggle with, and relinquishing control of the unknown is equally as trying.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

“Be still and know that I am God.” -Psalm 46:10

My prayer? My prayer is that if I am not Paddy’s forever person, the Lord Himself would bring him or her to my attention. Ultimately, His will be done; that goes for our future as a whole. Maybe God wants us to have land and our own horses on our hypothetical someday land, and maybe He doesn’t? Maybe I’ll be a teacher for thirty years and retire as one, maybe I won’t? I can try to line up all my ducks in a row and try to live my life exactly as I personally think it should be, but at the end of the day, my Creator knows.

I Want a Horse... (Oh, Wait!)

Growing up, all I asked for was a horse.

No one can remember exactly how old I was, but I don’t remember a single year that I didn’t ask for one. I know I was young—probably Pierson young (6 or so?)

Recently I had this overwhelming sense of gratitude when I was leading both of my horses, yes, BOTH, out of their pasture. Many of you follow me on social media and therefore, have followed my journey with each boy. Paddy was gifted to me back in April, and Rocco in September. Paddy and I had a coming to Jesus when I fell off of him on Mother’s Day, and I’m still learning how to ride him fluently, not defensively. (When you get practically a Stage 4 Perineum tear, fear is bound to happen, or so I think anyway? Especially when you never fell off of a horse prior to that…….)

But anyway, back to my feeling of gratitude. I managed to halter both boys in their 13 acre pasture, and without letting the other geldings escape through the gate, I walked right in the middle of them as we made our way to the barn. You BOTH are MINE, I thought.

I actually had a lot of people unfollow me on Instagram when I started to post all my horse ‘stories.’ The bigwig influencers tell you that you shouldn’t stress when people unfollow you, because that means they aren’t ‘your people.’ They aren’t part of ‘your tribe,’ and they aren’t passionate about what you are passionate about. Okay, I get that—really, I do! If you don’t really like horses, and you’re sick of clicking past them in my social media posts, it’s super simple to click unfollow. But what it started to feel like was that a lot of women were having a hard time with the fact that I wasn’t passionate about “only” being Mom. I was no longer posting majority kid stories/photos/etc.

I don’t mean that offensively, or… I hope it doesn’t come across that way. I LOVE being Mom. I love my beautiful, feisty baby girl and my athletic and smart son. But the truth is, I didn’t dream about being their mom. I had no idea growing up, all those Christmases that I asked for a horse, that God actually had it in His plan to gift me what He would: two strong, healthy children AND two horses.

How does that happen?

Anyway, throughout the beginning stage of horse ownership, as my numbers on Instagram began to drop, I wondered, “Aren’t moms allowed to dream? Or to have a burning passion outside of their children?” You all know the answer to that question, I know.

YES. Women are allowed to dream, and women should be empowered to pursue their dreams. Who cares if it happens when they are thirty years old, not six? Women should empower OTHER women, period. Right? Here is where I want to add that while my social media began to change quite a bit, I started to come in contact with some new and very incredible women; ones I probably never would have met if I hadn’t started this horse journey. So many direct messaged me on Instagram after my accident, asking if I was okay, offering advice or just to be a listening ear. And through all of my fears and insecurities and anxieties of whether or not Paddy was really destined to be mine, I felt normal. I felt okay. And I felt so grateful!

It has been eight months. Eight sweet, strenuous, anxiety ridden, exhilarating, overwhelming, and joyous filled months. Paddy has since been moved to my trainer’s farm, where he almost immediately calmed down and went back to his ‘normal self.’ (You don’t know what you don’t know will ALWAYS be my motto. How could we have known how significantly environment affects him as a horse? You live and learn, right?) I am so thankful for the time we had when he was just a mile down the road. A couple days before he was trailered away, he was dealing with an extreme abscess creating almost total lameness. I drove over, parked my car, and sat in his stall right beside him as he munched on his hay. I then proceeded to sob my eyes out, apologizing to him that he was moving and I wouldn’t be so nearby anymore. I told him I felt like a failure and I just didn’t know what the future looked like for us anymore. When I stood up to hug him, he wrapped his entire head and neck around my body.

Rocco was introduced to us in September, a week before my daughter’s birthday, how cute is that? I’ll never forget when my trainer told me about him and she said, “He’s Chestnut too…he looks a lot like Paddy.” I felt so hesitant because of that; that was when I was pretty convinced Paddy would need to leave our family permanently and I wasn’t sure I could love another Thoroughbred Chestnut. Then I met him, looked in his eyes, and I said, “Okay! I think he is supposed to be ours.” I’ve so far had three months of loving Rocco and y’all, he is my healer. Legit, Y’all…he does anything asked of him, including being ridden on 25-degree December days, and he has been nothing but patient with me. We even recently won two blue ribbons together at my first show of over twenty years!!! Because of him, I have regained so much confidence and was able to ride Paddy successfully several times since he’s been at the new farm! Oh, and Paddy and Rocco are obsessed with one another. Within MINUTES of Paddy being delivered and being set out to his new pasture, he and Rocco were inseparable.

Sometimes I still can’t believe it. This is my reality. Two. Two giant Thoroughbred boys.

(Good Lord, guys…my husband is going to kill me.)

I have zero clue what the future holds, as usual, but I wanted you to know about this season of gratitude that I am in. There are unknowns, unpredictable worries that come from owning said two horses, and it’s a lot of work. (Ask said husband who may or may not kill me.)

This year for Christmas though, I don’t need to ask for a horse. I don’t need to ask for a saddle (because yes, I eventually used to ask for a saddle in place of a horse, because I thought that may temporarily fill the void I felt. I even got MYSELF a broken and falling apart English saddle from a Goodwill when I was in my late 20’s!!) I have TWO horses. I have two wonderful, incredibly bright and thriving children. And I have a husband who has chosen me for over ten years, even and especially during this new horsemanship journey. (Thank you for not killing me, Frank. I love you more than you know!)

I’m curious, friends…what are things that you used to dream about when you were a child? Did that dream shift? Did it stay the same? Did it come true?

And what today are you feeling grateful for?

THR Thoroughbreds: A Place for Second Chances

I will never forget when I learned that my sister in law, Beth, started volunteering at a Thoroughbred Rescue. I was in complete awe that there was such a thing within driving distance of her house, and that she was working with these beautiful creatures, Thoroughbreds, on a regular basis. She would send me photos and I loved keeping up with her Instagram stories--walking out to the pasture, grooming, helping feed. She was completely living my dream! 

When she would talk to me about Kathryn, the owner, I was even more so in awe. Everything she had to say about her was inspiring, and I knew that one day, I desperately wanted to come to the Farm and meet this woman. 

Most of you know my story: that I put a hand-written letter in a stranger's mailbox, and that it (and they) later gave me the green light to add a horse to their property [where their older Arabian mare was residing alone]. My hope was to own a gentle giant, preferably a Thoroughbred, who I could love on and live out my childhood dream with. 

Beth kept telling me about this one horse that she just loved: Paddy. She told me he was so sweet and so loving, and that she had even told Kathryn that I was in the process of looking and Kathryn's response was, "Oh Paddy would be perfect!" I decided to head to Nashville for Beth's birthday get together in February, and I had previously had my heart pretty let down by a horse I thought I belonged with. I came with a guarded heart and unsure mind, and you may laugh, but I was dead set on the fact that my dream horse would be a big Bay. Enter Mr. Paddy. Very much a red headed chestnut, and he quickly tore down the walls of my on-edge spirit. I spent some of the afternoon getting to know him [some of which included cuddling his giant face as he was resting in his stall] and then, I met Kathryn. 

Right away I knew she was something special. She let me ride with her, and gave me tips on how to better ride Paddy. She quickly became someone that I knew I would learn a lot from, and I am very honored that even after Paddy has been away from her farm, she still offers advice and input when I have asked. It was and is very evident that Kathryn's heart is completely invested in ALL of these horses, and ultimately, their best interest is what she and the volunteers have in mind! 

When asked what her mission was, Kathryn said this: "...the lightbulb went off... I can save these horses, help find them loving homes, and fill the void in my heart all the while. So, The Horse Rescue was founded. It is my mission to save Thoroughbreds from slaughter, rehab them from any injuries racing may have brought, and retrain them for second careers." The Organization has GREAT and selfless volunteers, and some of these girls have even become friends through my process of inheriting Paddy. After a riding fall I had recently, they reached out in messages, offering kind words of encouragement and they gave me hope that Mr. Paddy and I would and WILL be okay--and WE ARE :) [Thank you, ladies!!! You know who you are!] 

The Rescue recently went through a name change, which makes total and perfect sense. Originally the name was "The Horse Rescue,"  but per their blog, Kathryn says, "We re very excited to announce a new division of The Horse Rescue... THR Elite Horses. While some of our horses are true rescues, others are not. The majority of our horses that come into our care are actually owner surrenders with little to no past lameness issues. We decided there needed to be a way to distinguish the "Elite Horses" from the horses who are in rehab, will be pasture or walk horses, or are retired." You can head to their blog to read more about this process, and there are even a few Elite horses up for adoption NOW! 

The work and love that Kathryn puts into these beautiful beings never ceases to amaze me. The horses have access to therapy systems such as a vibrating floor, magnetic therapy, ultrasound therapy, whirlpool therapy, etc. There is an indoor sand arena, outdoor irrigated grass riding field, an all-weather outdoor arena, 4-plank fenced paddocks for single or multiple horse turnout, and oh my gosh Y'all, the STALLS....OH, the stalls! I joke that Paddy came from the Ritz-Carlton when it came to his amazing stall! There are 7 grooming stalls, a heated wash rack, tackroom, feed room, and MILES of trails around the property. 

Here are some before and after's of horses rescued. The progress is amazing and I'm thankful to my sis in law Beth for sharing these images! 

I could go on for a VERY long time about this organization, but I hope you'll check them out for yourself. Even if you're not in the market to adopt your own horse, you can easily donate something to the Farm. Their expenses are broken down here, and it is largely because of donors that they are able to run and operate! 

"All donations are appreciated, no matter the size. Wondering what your donation can provide a horse? $10.00 provides 2 week of hay, $25.00 provides 1 month of grain, $50.00 provides 1 month of grain and hay, and $100.00 provides hay, grain, straw bedding and necessary supplies."  

Without THR Thoroughbreds and Kathryn Currey, I would not have my very own horse--a Thoroughbred at that! Paddy is a 5-year old 16.3 hand Thoroughbred, and I KNOW that together, he and I are going to do great things. I am excited to see where our adventures take us, and I am forever indebted to Kathryn for helping my dream become a reality.