A Thank You to 2020

Can we just take a moment, and bear with me, to thank 2020 for all the lessons it taught us??

For better or worse, it happened, Y’all. In January of 2020 there is no way we were considering a global pandemic that would literally shut the country DOWN just months later! Nearly 2 million deaths, an economic monstrosity, and on top of covid-19, the innumerable racial injustices and tension that broke hearts and families. 2020 was hard. It was full of adversity and it disrupted every single person’s life.

But within a year full of ALL of that, I am also eternally grateful for the things that I learned. As a wife, a mom, a teacher, a woman. Grace, authenticity, growth, humility, grit, determination, relationships, the importance of family, faith, hope, and how to be present—how about all of this just to name a few lessons?

I thank 2020 for teaching me so much. I thank it for allowing (forcing really) more time with my family and especially children, then ever before. My ‘time off’ four years ago (January-May 2016) wasn’t even filled with this much ‘togetherness.’ More time outdoors; walks and hikes, and the year that got me back into distance running.

In 2019 I didn’t think too much about a lot of things or maybe I should say, I didn’t appreciate them. Going into a bakery for a fresh donut, or sipping coffee in a coffee shop? What about hosting friends and family; gathering people into our home and fellowshipping—in person? Life without masks…seeing someone’s smile, or frown, or emotions, period. Not being fearful of someone coughing nearby or expecting the worst when they do. When viruses were simply viruses, not death sentences.

I began to find happiness in the simple things, more than ever before. As a 32-year old woman, I realized the very best things and the very best people are literally within these walls. (Okay, that’s not entirely true. They’re also at a barn thirty minutes away but you know what I mean.) We’ve always heard the phrase, “life is too short,” but now we can see so much (too much) proof of that. We live in a world of ‘go go go,’ and Asa and I have talked often about how weirdly thankful we are that we have HAD to slow WAY down. We haven’t been able to make plans every weekend. We couldn’t host, we couldn’t do date nights, and the kids haven’t had a sport to go to or be a part of in, um, forever. Will we be thankful when we get to welcome those beautiful things into our lives again? Absolutely! But let’s never forget how much more present we have been and how much more mindful too.

‘When life returns to normal,’ is a phrase I’ve heard a lot too. When will it ever be normal again? What is normal? Here’s my honest opinion. I don’t want life to return back to ‘normal.’ That’s like asking to go back in time and undoing all the beautiful things that we just learned and reaped. TRUTHS: I would love a world without masks. I would love a world where we don’t live in fear. I would love to have friends and family over for dinner and drinks without thinking twice about it. But the old normal we all had, was abnormal in so many ways. Perhaps in 2021 we learn to grieve the once normalcies we had and fight hard as a family and as humanity, to create a NEW normal.

As a believer of Christ, I believe every single day we are getting closer to meeting our Maker. Whether that’s when He comes back and returns to US, or when it’s our time to go; with that said, I also believe the Bible is the Word of God and that life will only continue to point to HIM. 2021 won’t bring magical ease. It won’t be a year of less pain or suffering. But do you know what I believe and hope for? That it will be a year we get to love EVEN more than we did in 2020. That we can open our arms and physically help and love those in need; and that we can lean on each other in big, AWESOME ways. And that we continue to spread the love of Jesus wherever our days may take us.

All of you have been seeking a New Year, and well, now it’s here. IT’S HERE! Please don’t take that lightly. And thank you, 2020, for the year of self-reflection, of gratitude, slow growth, and for the recharge to begin again.

I Want a Horse... (Oh, Wait!)

Growing up, all I asked for was a horse.

No one can remember exactly how old I was, but I don’t remember a single year that I didn’t ask for one. I know I was young—probably Pierson young (6 or so?)

Recently I had this overwhelming sense of gratitude when I was leading both of my horses, yes, BOTH, out of their pasture. Many of you follow me on social media and therefore, have followed my journey with each boy. Paddy was gifted to me back in April, and Rocco in September. Paddy and I had a coming to Jesus when I fell off of him on Mother’s Day, and I’m still learning how to ride him fluently, not defensively. (When you get practically a Stage 4 Perineum tear, fear is bound to happen, or so I think anyway? Especially when you never fell off of a horse prior to that…….)

But anyway, back to my feeling of gratitude. I managed to halter both boys in their 13 acre pasture, and without letting the other geldings escape through the gate, I walked right in the middle of them as we made our way to the barn. You BOTH are MINE, I thought.

I actually had a lot of people unfollow me on Instagram when I started to post all my horse ‘stories.’ The bigwig influencers tell you that you shouldn’t stress when people unfollow you, because that means they aren’t ‘your people.’ They aren’t part of ‘your tribe,’ and they aren’t passionate about what you are passionate about. Okay, I get that—really, I do! If you don’t really like horses, and you’re sick of clicking past them in my social media posts, it’s super simple to click unfollow. But what it started to feel like was that a lot of women were having a hard time with the fact that I wasn’t passionate about “only” being Mom. I was no longer posting majority kid stories/photos/etc.

I don’t mean that offensively, or… I hope it doesn’t come across that way. I LOVE being Mom. I love my beautiful, feisty baby girl and my athletic and smart son. But the truth is, I didn’t dream about being their mom. I had no idea growing up, all those Christmases that I asked for a horse, that God actually had it in His plan to gift me what He would: two strong, healthy children AND two horses.

How does that happen?

Anyway, throughout the beginning stage of horse ownership, as my numbers on Instagram began to drop, I wondered, “Aren’t moms allowed to dream? Or to have a burning passion outside of their children?” You all know the answer to that question, I know.

YES. Women are allowed to dream, and women should be empowered to pursue their dreams. Who cares if it happens when they are thirty years old, not six? Women should empower OTHER women, period. Right? Here is where I want to add that while my social media began to change quite a bit, I started to come in contact with some new and very incredible women; ones I probably never would have met if I hadn’t started this horse journey. So many direct messaged me on Instagram after my accident, asking if I was okay, offering advice or just to be a listening ear. And through all of my fears and insecurities and anxieties of whether or not Paddy was really destined to be mine, I felt normal. I felt okay. And I felt so grateful!

It has been eight months. Eight sweet, strenuous, anxiety ridden, exhilarating, overwhelming, and joyous filled months. Paddy has since been moved to my trainer’s farm, where he almost immediately calmed down and went back to his ‘normal self.’ (You don’t know what you don’t know will ALWAYS be my motto. How could we have known how significantly environment affects him as a horse? You live and learn, right?) I am so thankful for the time we had when he was just a mile down the road. A couple days before he was trailered away, he was dealing with an extreme abscess creating almost total lameness. I drove over, parked my car, and sat in his stall right beside him as he munched on his hay. I then proceeded to sob my eyes out, apologizing to him that he was moving and I wouldn’t be so nearby anymore. I told him I felt like a failure and I just didn’t know what the future looked like for us anymore. When I stood up to hug him, he wrapped his entire head and neck around my body.

Rocco was introduced to us in September, a week before my daughter’s birthday, how cute is that? I’ll never forget when my trainer told me about him and she said, “He’s Chestnut too…he looks a lot like Paddy.” I felt so hesitant because of that; that was when I was pretty convinced Paddy would need to leave our family permanently and I wasn’t sure I could love another Thoroughbred Chestnut. Then I met him, looked in his eyes, and I said, “Okay! I think he is supposed to be ours.” I’ve so far had three months of loving Rocco and y’all, he is my healer. Legit, Y’all…he does anything asked of him, including being ridden on 25-degree December days, and he has been nothing but patient with me. We even recently won two blue ribbons together at my first show of over twenty years!!! Because of him, I have regained so much confidence and was able to ride Paddy successfully several times since he’s been at the new farm! Oh, and Paddy and Rocco are obsessed with one another. Within MINUTES of Paddy being delivered and being set out to his new pasture, he and Rocco were inseparable.

Sometimes I still can’t believe it. This is my reality. Two. Two giant Thoroughbred boys.

(Good Lord, guys…my husband is going to kill me.)

I have zero clue what the future holds, as usual, but I wanted you to know about this season of gratitude that I am in. There are unknowns, unpredictable worries that come from owning said two horses, and it’s a lot of work. (Ask said husband who may or may not kill me.)

This year for Christmas though, I don’t need to ask for a horse. I don’t need to ask for a saddle (because yes, I eventually used to ask for a saddle in place of a horse, because I thought that may temporarily fill the void I felt. I even got MYSELF a broken and falling apart English saddle from a Goodwill when I was in my late 20’s!!) I have TWO horses. I have two wonderful, incredibly bright and thriving children. And I have a husband who has chosen me for over ten years, even and especially during this new horsemanship journey. (Thank you for not killing me, Frank. I love you more than you know!)

I’m curious, friends…what are things that you used to dream about when you were a child? Did that dream shift? Did it stay the same? Did it come true?

And what today are you feeling grateful for?

A Reflection of Gratitude

With Thanksgiving around the corner, and Christmas approaching ever too rapidly, I find it so helpful to slow down, and reflect on my blessings. This past weekend was especially abundant in all things GREAT, so I would love to share with you what's on my heart!

First: Not in a hundred years would I have fathomed we'd have kids so close together in age. In my 'dreams' of family planning, I remember very blatantly saying they would be at least 2.5 years apart. I'm thankful that I serve a mighty God, and that He had VASTLY different plans for that vision. He granted us a healthy son and fifteen months later, a healthy baby girl was placed in our arms. She is the definition of 'head-strong' and 'strong-willed,' but she has brought SO much joy and laughter to our family. Together, my kids teach me so much and inspire me daily to do better and BE better.

Having parents who are still married: I'll be honest, as a kid I didn't really know if that would be the case for my adult self. In fact, I remember conversing with my childhood best friend that I was pretty sure they were getting a divorce at one point. My oldest brother has severe special needs and they've been his SOLE caregivers for thirty-three YEARS. They've endured heart ache, loss, disappointments, confusion, loneliness, anger, and I've watched God spin a beautiful miracle between them. They're one of my greatest pictures of grace and redemption; they've helped me realize why a relationship with Christ is first and foremost important, and they've ingrained in me to NEVER GIVE UP. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for fighting HARD, each and every day, and for loving each other, in spite of life's many challenges.

My brothers: My oldest brother Nathan is a giant miracle, miracle. When I questioned my faith, he was the reason I always came back to this--there IS a God. He IS our Creator. Nathan is so loving, has a contagious giggle, and he NEVER lets life knock him down. And Sean, the guy who popped me on the head EVERY single morning; he's zealous and passionate, an incredibly hard worker, and loves with his whole heart. Sometimes as kids, our days were tough, and my memories are beautiful pictures of him being with me. Nonstop. Through all the challenges, the fun family vacations, the laughter, and the tears. My brothers are two of the biggest pieces of me, and I am so thankful to God for letting ME be their baby sister.

My dashing husband: the one I met in a coffee shop. The guy who has walked and talked with me for hours on end, the one who chooses ME, in spite of the ugly sin in my life. Guys, my mind spins a million miles a minute and he is always good to help me take a step back, and prioritize not only my to-do lists, but my life in general. In our dating years, I attempted several times to push him away, I've screwed up royally during our marriage, and when I look at this man, I think to myself: grace, upon grace, upon grace, upon GRACE. Asa Frank, I choose you today, tomorrow, and for the rest of eternity! 

Our zoo, aka, our five pets: When people find out HOW many pets we have, because our Golden Retriever Elsa is the dominant one on my Instagram feed, their response is, FIVE?! Asa had our Lab Humphrey before we ever met, I picked Elsa out when we were dating, and through the years, we've inherited three cats: an alley kitten, a vet rescue, and our orange wonder from Sandy's Pet Shop this past summer. As much as I complain about them and the hair they shed, doctor appointments that they always end up needing... I really can't imagine life without any of them. [Any of you with me and can relate to my crazy cat and dog lady self? Eeeeek.] 

Our beautiful 100+ year old home and ALL the crazy quirks it consists of: Do I want a house on acreage that will someday overlook my future horses and freshly washed clothes on our clothesline? You betcha. But God handpicked this current house for us and I believe that with ALL of my heart. When I saw pictures online, I told Asa, "This is our house." When I walked in the front entryway, without even seeing the rest, I said again, "THIS is our house. We will live here." And how cool is it that I've stayed in touch with the former owners, and can text her questions as needed and that not only is the couple who transformed this house an awesome one, but they're our brother and sister in Christ! Christians who once lived here, Christians who live here now, and I pray often that the next residents will also love and walk with the Lord. Reese's doorknob falls off every few days. Sometimes the water smells. The ice maker on the fridge is broke. We had to replace the kitchen floor. We need new carpet. And I complain often about needing more SPACE for the kids...but I sincerely do love every square inch of this place and I am SO thankful that it is our very sweet HOME. 

My inherited sisters: I have two older brothers and I joked that God never gave me a baby sister because he knew I didn't really like girls... BUT, I couldn't have picked better sisters for myself with the four I've inherited through marriage! My brother's wife is such a beautiful soul. She's artistic and passionate, a hard worker, and the most gracious and loving wife. Asa's older sister in Rhode Island, we unfortunately don't get to see a ton of, BUT, the second I met her, I kinda fell in love. She's patient and attentive, an excellent and driven mother of three, has the kindest and most gentle voice, and shares my appreciation for all things animals and American Girl Doll. His other sister, a mom of two, has an extreme passion for labor and birth. She inspires me often with how willing she is to talk about any and every thing, and you know that her heart feels everything SO deeply. And then, his brother's wife, not only am I blessed to WORK with in a school setting, but I ALSO get to photograph weddings with her. We share a deep love for art and photography and we're both from the North, so it's like we were destined to be friends. She's *always* there when I need her, and is one of the only people that I text at LEAST every other day. Well, other than my mother... She helped me process a LOT of emotional baggage when I first met her and was just dating Asa, and she has taught me SO much about motherhood. I never would have guessed that I would be the baby sister to so many women, but here I am. And my heart is VERY full. 

If I could sit here and write a paragraph for ALL the many things that I am thankful for, well, I think we would have a book. I've told you before that often I am a glass half empty type of gal, HOWEVER, I've been working on this a LOT. And why not share all of these good and happy blessings with you here in this space? 

What's on the top of YOUR gratitude list this week? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below! Let's chat and OH HEY, guess what? I'm also thankful for YOU. Yes, you. Reading this blog, taking the time to journey through this adventure with me. So thanks, and I hope you'll stick around!