A Thank You to 2020

Can we just take a moment, and bear with me, to thank 2020 for all the lessons it taught us??

For better or worse, it happened, Y’all. In January of 2020 there is no way we were considering a global pandemic that would literally shut the country DOWN just months later! Nearly 2 million deaths, an economic monstrosity, and on top of covid-19, the innumerable racial injustices and tension that broke hearts and families. 2020 was hard. It was full of adversity and it disrupted every single person’s life.

But within a year full of ALL of that, I am also eternally grateful for the things that I learned. As a wife, a mom, a teacher, a woman. Grace, authenticity, growth, humility, grit, determination, relationships, the importance of family, faith, hope, and how to be present—how about all of this just to name a few lessons?

I thank 2020 for teaching me so much. I thank it for allowing (forcing really) more time with my family and especially children, then ever before. My ‘time off’ four years ago (January-May 2016) wasn’t even filled with this much ‘togetherness.’ More time outdoors; walks and hikes, and the year that got me back into distance running.

In 2019 I didn’t think too much about a lot of things or maybe I should say, I didn’t appreciate them. Going into a bakery for a fresh donut, or sipping coffee in a coffee shop? What about hosting friends and family; gathering people into our home and fellowshipping—in person? Life without masks…seeing someone’s smile, or frown, or emotions, period. Not being fearful of someone coughing nearby or expecting the worst when they do. When viruses were simply viruses, not death sentences.

I began to find happiness in the simple things, more than ever before. As a 32-year old woman, I realized the very best things and the very best people are literally within these walls. (Okay, that’s not entirely true. They’re also at a barn thirty minutes away but you know what I mean.) We’ve always heard the phrase, “life is too short,” but now we can see so much (too much) proof of that. We live in a world of ‘go go go,’ and Asa and I have talked often about how weirdly thankful we are that we have HAD to slow WAY down. We haven’t been able to make plans every weekend. We couldn’t host, we couldn’t do date nights, and the kids haven’t had a sport to go to or be a part of in, um, forever. Will we be thankful when we get to welcome those beautiful things into our lives again? Absolutely! But let’s never forget how much more present we have been and how much more mindful too.

‘When life returns to normal,’ is a phrase I’ve heard a lot too. When will it ever be normal again? What is normal? Here’s my honest opinion. I don’t want life to return back to ‘normal.’ That’s like asking to go back in time and undoing all the beautiful things that we just learned and reaped. TRUTHS: I would love a world without masks. I would love a world where we don’t live in fear. I would love to have friends and family over for dinner and drinks without thinking twice about it. But the old normal we all had, was abnormal in so many ways. Perhaps in 2021 we learn to grieve the once normalcies we had and fight hard as a family and as humanity, to create a NEW normal.

As a believer of Christ, I believe every single day we are getting closer to meeting our Maker. Whether that’s when He comes back and returns to US, or when it’s our time to go; with that said, I also believe the Bible is the Word of God and that life will only continue to point to HIM. 2021 won’t bring magical ease. It won’t be a year of less pain or suffering. But do you know what I believe and hope for? That it will be a year we get to love EVEN more than we did in 2020. That we can open our arms and physically help and love those in need; and that we can lean on each other in big, AWESOME ways. And that we continue to spread the love of Jesus wherever our days may take us.

All of you have been seeking a New Year, and well, now it’s here. IT’S HERE! Please don’t take that lightly. And thank you, 2020, for the year of self-reflection, of gratitude, slow growth, and for the recharge to begin again.

I Want a Horse... (Oh, Wait!)

Growing up, all I asked for was a horse.

No one can remember exactly how old I was, but I don’t remember a single year that I didn’t ask for one. I know I was young—probably Pierson young (6 or so?)

Recently I had this overwhelming sense of gratitude when I was leading both of my horses, yes, BOTH, out of their pasture. Many of you follow me on social media and therefore, have followed my journey with each boy. Paddy was gifted to me back in April, and Rocco in September. Paddy and I had a coming to Jesus when I fell off of him on Mother’s Day, and I’m still learning how to ride him fluently, not defensively. (When you get practically a Stage 4 Perineum tear, fear is bound to happen, or so I think anyway? Especially when you never fell off of a horse prior to that…….)

But anyway, back to my feeling of gratitude. I managed to halter both boys in their 13 acre pasture, and without letting the other geldings escape through the gate, I walked right in the middle of them as we made our way to the barn. You BOTH are MINE, I thought.

I actually had a lot of people unfollow me on Instagram when I started to post all my horse ‘stories.’ The bigwig influencers tell you that you shouldn’t stress when people unfollow you, because that means they aren’t ‘your people.’ They aren’t part of ‘your tribe,’ and they aren’t passionate about what you are passionate about. Okay, I get that—really, I do! If you don’t really like horses, and you’re sick of clicking past them in my social media posts, it’s super simple to click unfollow. But what it started to feel like was that a lot of women were having a hard time with the fact that I wasn’t passionate about “only” being Mom. I was no longer posting majority kid stories/photos/etc.

I don’t mean that offensively, or… I hope it doesn’t come across that way. I LOVE being Mom. I love my beautiful, feisty baby girl and my athletic and smart son. But the truth is, I didn’t dream about being their mom. I had no idea growing up, all those Christmases that I asked for a horse, that God actually had it in His plan to gift me what He would: two strong, healthy children AND two horses.

How does that happen?

Anyway, throughout the beginning stage of horse ownership, as my numbers on Instagram began to drop, I wondered, “Aren’t moms allowed to dream? Or to have a burning passion outside of their children?” You all know the answer to that question, I know.

YES. Women are allowed to dream, and women should be empowered to pursue their dreams. Who cares if it happens when they are thirty years old, not six? Women should empower OTHER women, period. Right? Here is where I want to add that while my social media began to change quite a bit, I started to come in contact with some new and very incredible women; ones I probably never would have met if I hadn’t started this horse journey. So many direct messaged me on Instagram after my accident, asking if I was okay, offering advice or just to be a listening ear. And through all of my fears and insecurities and anxieties of whether or not Paddy was really destined to be mine, I felt normal. I felt okay. And I felt so grateful!

It has been eight months. Eight sweet, strenuous, anxiety ridden, exhilarating, overwhelming, and joyous filled months. Paddy has since been moved to my trainer’s farm, where he almost immediately calmed down and went back to his ‘normal self.’ (You don’t know what you don’t know will ALWAYS be my motto. How could we have known how significantly environment affects him as a horse? You live and learn, right?) I am so thankful for the time we had when he was just a mile down the road. A couple days before he was trailered away, he was dealing with an extreme abscess creating almost total lameness. I drove over, parked my car, and sat in his stall right beside him as he munched on his hay. I then proceeded to sob my eyes out, apologizing to him that he was moving and I wouldn’t be so nearby anymore. I told him I felt like a failure and I just didn’t know what the future looked like for us anymore. When I stood up to hug him, he wrapped his entire head and neck around my body.

Rocco was introduced to us in September, a week before my daughter’s birthday, how cute is that? I’ll never forget when my trainer told me about him and she said, “He’s Chestnut too…he looks a lot like Paddy.” I felt so hesitant because of that; that was when I was pretty convinced Paddy would need to leave our family permanently and I wasn’t sure I could love another Thoroughbred Chestnut. Then I met him, looked in his eyes, and I said, “Okay! I think he is supposed to be ours.” I’ve so far had three months of loving Rocco and y’all, he is my healer. Legit, Y’all…he does anything asked of him, including being ridden on 25-degree December days, and he has been nothing but patient with me. We even recently won two blue ribbons together at my first show of over twenty years!!! Because of him, I have regained so much confidence and was able to ride Paddy successfully several times since he’s been at the new farm! Oh, and Paddy and Rocco are obsessed with one another. Within MINUTES of Paddy being delivered and being set out to his new pasture, he and Rocco were inseparable.

Sometimes I still can’t believe it. This is my reality. Two. Two giant Thoroughbred boys.

(Good Lord, guys…my husband is going to kill me.)

I have zero clue what the future holds, as usual, but I wanted you to know about this season of gratitude that I am in. There are unknowns, unpredictable worries that come from owning said two horses, and it’s a lot of work. (Ask said husband who may or may not kill me.)

This year for Christmas though, I don’t need to ask for a horse. I don’t need to ask for a saddle (because yes, I eventually used to ask for a saddle in place of a horse, because I thought that may temporarily fill the void I felt. I even got MYSELF a broken and falling apart English saddle from a Goodwill when I was in my late 20’s!!) I have TWO horses. I have two wonderful, incredibly bright and thriving children. And I have a husband who has chosen me for over ten years, even and especially during this new horsemanship journey. (Thank you for not killing me, Frank. I love you more than you know!)

I’m curious, friends…what are things that you used to dream about when you were a child? Did that dream shift? Did it stay the same? Did it come true?

And what today are you feeling grateful for?

Kissing the SAHM Life Goodbye: My Thoughts and Prayers

Well y'all, as quickly as my time off began, it's now quickly coming to an end. Feeling emotional while the kids nap [does that happen to you??], I went back and read some old posts of mine. It literally feels like yesterday that I was counting down until Christmas break and looking forward to the months I would be blessed to stay home with my kids. Now here we are...I go back to my classroom in TWO weeks [only for four days, and then it will be summer vacation], and I'm like, "HOW!??!" 

Lastnight in bed, I started to pray. I apologized because honestly, it's been a little too long since I had a sincere heart to heart with the Lord; and I just asked for guidance. Previously I had said during this season, I had wanted to write more, get more serious about the blog, and book more sessions--and guess what? That just didn't really happen. I did a few sessions sure, and I have a few weddings in the coming year, but I wasn't slammed. And when I opened my laptop to write, usually I couldn't find the words or motivation to get my fingers moving. This has been a season of motherhood, and as I sit and reflect, I am so grateful for that. 

I'm a good teacher. I've taught for six years, in a self-contained elementary classroom; teaching all subjects, and meeting HUNDREDS of children along the way. I love fifth graders especially, their humor and sarcasm [or attempts anyway] and when they really start digging deep to figure out who they are. I LOVE teaching writing and inspiring kids TO write. I like interacting with my co-workers and having adult conversations. But at the same time, the thought of working a five day a week job again...it really makes me sad. 

My son Pierson will start kindergarten in August [THREE months from now, ahhhh!] and our sweet Reese will be all by herself. She's never known a day without her brother, and she definitely hasn't been away from him all day every day! We don't yet have a sitter for her, and it makes me SO emotional to think that I won't be the one with her each day. Especially her by herself, will be SO fun; she'll be four in September and her personality is just bursting with greatness each and every day. What I wouldn't give to do preschool lessons and 'field trips' with my baby girl. But it's just not the case. 

I asked God to give me this time to focus on being Mom, and He answered. Back in November, I wrote this:

There is one thing that I DO know though...that I need this time with my kids. With my son going to kindergarten August 2017, I know that I will be so thankful for these next few months. We aren't sure when our daughter will start school, as our school district just changed the date and age kids need to be when they enroll; so as of now, she may start the year right after him, or she may have to wait two years. Regardless of what happens, if I go back to work full time, part time, or WHATEVER, having these coming months to focus more on being MOM, sounds so wonderful.

The last four months, I definitely focused on being Mom. I think, and have to trust, that God wants me back in the classroom for a while longer. I don't think it's unfeasible that I'll be able to get more paying jobs and possibly in the future get the chance to stay home again, but that time is not now. Reese will definitely be home next year, but we aren't sure yet about the following. If there's a chance she can enroll in kindergarten early, we may look into that because she is SO intelligent, especially socially. But if she does stay home for two years, *maybe* I'll get to stay home again the second year?  

I had written another post back in December about my goals during this time off. It was pretty humbling to re-read them today, so let me share with you how those have panned out ;) 

1. Eat breakfast [at the table] with the kids and read a devotional while they eat
2. wash my face and everyone's teeth [maybe throw in a shower?] ;) 
3. start a routine of school work with them / letters, sight words, science projects, SOMETHING...
4. read aloud daily, other than at nap/bed time
5. go for a walk or play out back before naps
6. if laundry gets done, put it AWAY. this never happens [am i the only one?]
7. eat lunch. be healthy. take care of me. 
8. if i don't make it to the gym, do at least one Suzanne Bowen workout a week
9. write for at least 15 minutes a day, whether journaling or in this space
10. cook/prepare 1 meal a week, since my husband is THE chef of the household

Basically, I never cooked a meal... I think I did once? Tacos or something? No wait, I also made a meatloaf and mashed potato dish. Sorry, Babe! I DID brush my teeth daily (you're welcome!) and for the first few months, we were in a great swing of 'school' in the morning. We focused on letters the first several weeks and did fun crafts with things that started with whichever letter (like 'P' we made and designed pizzas and talked about penguins and popcorn, etc.) We went to the park a lot, rarely out back though. I have been *pretty* good about laundry, even putting it away, though this hasn't religiously happened and I do often ask for my husband's help if we let it get away from us during the week. I definitely did not work out, other than running, but that goal was made before I ran the mini marathon so maybe that one isn't a fail? And I didn't write daily...as much as I wish I had. During the kids' naps I was often tired and accepted the fact that it was OKAY to lie down or just rest! 

I'm pretty good at NOT knowing what the future looks like. But it's been really humbling and a huge eye-opener, that I can always look back and see how God answered prayer and opened or closed doors. A year ago I was dreaming of staying home, unsure if it would ever happen, and then look. Then, I prayed for some quiet and a season of stillness, and that's what I'm currently living! Though it's hard, and definitely bittersweet, I am surrendering my future yet again to Him. 

Pierson will do great in kindergarten. Reese will be well cared for and loved. I will make a difference in the classroom. And everything is going to be just fine. 

That was my little benediction to myself, but in all seriousness, I could use your prayers and well wishes. I literally do NOT know where the time went. The saying, "The days are long but years are short," is beyond true. Some days have been so hard, but I wouldn't have traded them for anything in the world! 

Hello, Michigan!

I thought I may be crazy when I decided to pack the kids and I up for a week in Michigan, but it turns out I'm only crazy for thinking that I may not be capable. Suitcases, winter gear, swim vests, a hundred snacks, DVD's, cameras and sound machines--and finally we were ready for the normally six hour drive North.

We left Kentucky at 10 a.m. on the dot and drove for two hours. The kids could have gone longer but I thought it was a good stopping point for lunch and to fill up the gas tank. I popped in a second movie and continued driving. They were so good to not ask me to turn around or get anything for them, and they even slept for a little over an hour. Around 3:45pm we could see my parents house from the road and I shook my head in disbelief. I had driven for the first time EVER with both kids for almost six hours!

Not to toot my own horn, (but definitely patting myself on the back), the trip once there continued to go smoothly. My parents helped read to Pierson while I put Reese down for naps and bedtime, and while I did do TWELVE consecutive tuck-ins, I'm amazed at what good kids I have. Yes, Pierson woke once or twice in the middle of the night to come find me, but Reese did amazing in her cozy closet/bedroom and slept the entire night each night. In the mornings, they were happy and playful, and I was always a little grumpy until I finished the first cup of coffee. But y'all...it was SO good to just be HOME. They had to go swimming twice a day, thank God for that pool! And got to the point where they allowed me to sit in a chair in the pool room to do work on my laptop while they played and swam--when did I get such BIG kids?!

My mom, their Mimi, had fun activities, baked cupcakes with them, and helped me with their lunches every day. They loved when my dad, Pa Pa, got home from work, and talked his ear off a mile a minute. During our Christmas visit the kids bickered, a LOT, and Reese was super challenging mood and attitude wise. But for whatever reason, and maybe they just matured a lot in the last couple of months? They got along SO much better and both were VERY sweet. [Thank the LORD!]

I think I could have stayed longer, but Pierson started to get SUPER homesick for his Daddy. There were lots of tears the second to last night we were there, begging to call and see him, and Asa told me that I needed to pick a day and come HOME. I had just been playing each day completely by ear, because honestly, I didn't really expect that I could do this EVERY day for six days! We decided on Tuesday, which gave Asa six nice long nights to NOT be woken up by kids, to only have to worry about ONE dish to clean, and to not worry about clutter or toys strewn everywhere. He has always been super supportive when I have made my weekend Tennessee trips, and I'm very thankful I was ABLE to give him this break. [Not going to lie, babe, I may need to take another soon, ha ha!] ;)

I've joked [okay, not totally joking] that we need to move either to Nashville to be near my brother OR Michigan to be near my parents because I've been in Kentucky for TEN YEARS and I just really miss my fam. I don't that will be happening... so I really can't be more grateful for this trip I was able to take and ENJOY. Any other ladies out there just feel like you need to be with your mama?! I miss mine ALL the time!

Thank you, Mom, Dad and Nathan for having us this whole week. I can't wait to be able to come back and do it again, maybe this spring! Enjoy the pictures, friends. I wish I had been better about snapping photos of the kids with my parents and brother but clearly I didn't this time. Cheers, and happy WEEKEND!