Life Lately as a Horsewoman: Still Trusting

I’M IN A FUNK.

You’ve been there I’m sure. When you have a lot of things going on mentally and it’s all filling up your head space, and you are consumed by what ifs, questions, and the worry of unknowns?

I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety or anything for that matter, but I know for a fact I struggle with anxiety—especially when circumstances arise that are out of my control. This week I have worried about our dog’s toenail healing properly, personal family matters, and my horse, Paddy. Lately what I think about 90% of the time, is worrying about and for Paddy. (I also realize that my largest concerns are with our animals, so actually having a ZOO may not be the BEST for my life? Buuuuut that’s my reality, so on we go.)

I started a blog post LAST August that I actually never published. In that post I was so worried because Paddy at that point was exhibiting stallion like behavior (I.e. charging at us and kicking my husband), and we knew we were going to have to move him to my trainer’s farm. I remember last summer worrying that I wouldn’t ever be able to ride him without fear, and it absolutely amazes me that this summer is completely different. Not to mention he is back to his normal self at my trainer’s, happy as a clam with other geldings, and he’s had ZERO behavior issues! I hopped on him the other day and rode him down the long driveway; no other horse to accompany him, and NO fear was to be had on my end. Once I got him in the arena though, I tried to trot him and realized something ELSE: he just isn’t fun for me to ride.

I feel so cold saying that out loud, but it’s the truth. There is something wrong in his hind end, and there are a ton of things that it “could” be. He has been working with my trainer for over a year now, and he just isn’t making any improvement as far as moving forward and using his body. EPM is the first worry, and there are SO many expenses to consider when diagnosing and treating. Maybe he needs a chiropractor and there’s something slipped in regards to a disc or something (completely a GUESS). Maybe he’s hurting and I don’t know it and he needs injections somewhere like hocks or stifles. (MORE MONEY.) There’s a lot. When he trots he feels like his backend is left 50 feet behind, and it is so hard to get into a smooth posting trot; it’s just not fun. He does fine at the walk, and yesterday when riding with a friend, she said, “He would make a great trail horse!” And maybe he would?! We’ve never tried him on trails, but maybe that’s actually something he would enjoy. Maybe I’ve had it all wrong from the beginning and my expectations have just been too high. And maybe somehow and some way, the Vet who is coming out on Thursday can help me find actual SOLID answers, and he WILL become a comfortable mount to ride. But maybe not.

All the while, expenses add up, and we continue to do the guessing game. I often wonder, “Will I be able to afford board this month” and spending money monthly on a horse to ride who I don’t really enjoy riding; does that even make sense? I LOVE Paddy. Genuinely I have more of an emotional connection with Paddy than I probably will ANY horse, because he is my first horse. I wanted one since I was in kindergarten and well, he just happened! From that unpublished blog post, I had written this:

As I have written, I've hesitated to be honest. You see, I am very much a people pleaser and I have always cared (too much) about what others are thinking--especially the ones I look up to. My wonderful friend Lauren recently said this: "Ashley, there is NO point in even allowing yourself to think that Paddy should have gone to someone more experienced, or that you should have gotten an older/more experienced horse. That is pointless, because it is what it is. You have Paddy, and he is part of your story." He has been with us for almost five months, and a LOT has happened in such a short amount of time. Paddy is my heart, and he always will be. And I am praying that instead of claiming this as a failure, I can continue to peacefully turn the pages of our book and patiently await the ones to come.

It’s now been a year and three months and while it is upsetting to me that I still don’t KNOW, it’s clear to me that God is STILL saying, “Just trust.” The biggest thing I have struggled with on this journey has been patience, trust, and faith. I’m 99% sure it’s not horses that stress you out, but if you ARE a horse person reading this, you may have been there and can relate. And if you’re not, I’m sure there are other areas that you struggle with, and relinquishing control of the unknown is equally as trying.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

“Be still and know that I am God.” -Psalm 46:10

My prayer? My prayer is that if I am not Paddy’s forever person, the Lord Himself would bring him or her to my attention. Ultimately, His will be done; that goes for our future as a whole. Maybe God wants us to have land and our own horses on our hypothetical someday land, and maybe He doesn’t? Maybe I’ll be a teacher for thirty years and retire as one, maybe I won’t? I can try to line up all my ducks in a row and try to live my life exactly as I personally think it should be, but at the end of the day, my Creator knows.

I Want a Horse... (Oh, Wait!)

Growing up, all I asked for was a horse.

No one can remember exactly how old I was, but I don’t remember a single year that I didn’t ask for one. I know I was young—probably Pierson young (6 or so?)

Recently I had this overwhelming sense of gratitude when I was leading both of my horses, yes, BOTH, out of their pasture. Many of you follow me on social media and therefore, have followed my journey with each boy. Paddy was gifted to me back in April, and Rocco in September. Paddy and I had a coming to Jesus when I fell off of him on Mother’s Day, and I’m still learning how to ride him fluently, not defensively. (When you get practically a Stage 4 Perineum tear, fear is bound to happen, or so I think anyway? Especially when you never fell off of a horse prior to that…….)

But anyway, back to my feeling of gratitude. I managed to halter both boys in their 13 acre pasture, and without letting the other geldings escape through the gate, I walked right in the middle of them as we made our way to the barn. You BOTH are MINE, I thought.

I actually had a lot of people unfollow me on Instagram when I started to post all my horse ‘stories.’ The bigwig influencers tell you that you shouldn’t stress when people unfollow you, because that means they aren’t ‘your people.’ They aren’t part of ‘your tribe,’ and they aren’t passionate about what you are passionate about. Okay, I get that—really, I do! If you don’t really like horses, and you’re sick of clicking past them in my social media posts, it’s super simple to click unfollow. But what it started to feel like was that a lot of women were having a hard time with the fact that I wasn’t passionate about “only” being Mom. I was no longer posting majority kid stories/photos/etc.

I don’t mean that offensively, or… I hope it doesn’t come across that way. I LOVE being Mom. I love my beautiful, feisty baby girl and my athletic and smart son. But the truth is, I didn’t dream about being their mom. I had no idea growing up, all those Christmases that I asked for a horse, that God actually had it in His plan to gift me what He would: two strong, healthy children AND two horses.

How does that happen?

Anyway, throughout the beginning stage of horse ownership, as my numbers on Instagram began to drop, I wondered, “Aren’t moms allowed to dream? Or to have a burning passion outside of their children?” You all know the answer to that question, I know.

YES. Women are allowed to dream, and women should be empowered to pursue their dreams. Who cares if it happens when they are thirty years old, not six? Women should empower OTHER women, period. Right? Here is where I want to add that while my social media began to change quite a bit, I started to come in contact with some new and very incredible women; ones I probably never would have met if I hadn’t started this horse journey. So many direct messaged me on Instagram after my accident, asking if I was okay, offering advice or just to be a listening ear. And through all of my fears and insecurities and anxieties of whether or not Paddy was really destined to be mine, I felt normal. I felt okay. And I felt so grateful!

It has been eight months. Eight sweet, strenuous, anxiety ridden, exhilarating, overwhelming, and joyous filled months. Paddy has since been moved to my trainer’s farm, where he almost immediately calmed down and went back to his ‘normal self.’ (You don’t know what you don’t know will ALWAYS be my motto. How could we have known how significantly environment affects him as a horse? You live and learn, right?) I am so thankful for the time we had when he was just a mile down the road. A couple days before he was trailered away, he was dealing with an extreme abscess creating almost total lameness. I drove over, parked my car, and sat in his stall right beside him as he munched on his hay. I then proceeded to sob my eyes out, apologizing to him that he was moving and I wouldn’t be so nearby anymore. I told him I felt like a failure and I just didn’t know what the future looked like for us anymore. When I stood up to hug him, he wrapped his entire head and neck around my body.

Rocco was introduced to us in September, a week before my daughter’s birthday, how cute is that? I’ll never forget when my trainer told me about him and she said, “He’s Chestnut too…he looks a lot like Paddy.” I felt so hesitant because of that; that was when I was pretty convinced Paddy would need to leave our family permanently and I wasn’t sure I could love another Thoroughbred Chestnut. Then I met him, looked in his eyes, and I said, “Okay! I think he is supposed to be ours.” I’ve so far had three months of loving Rocco and y’all, he is my healer. Legit, Y’all…he does anything asked of him, including being ridden on 25-degree December days, and he has been nothing but patient with me. We even recently won two blue ribbons together at my first show of over twenty years!!! Because of him, I have regained so much confidence and was able to ride Paddy successfully several times since he’s been at the new farm! Oh, and Paddy and Rocco are obsessed with one another. Within MINUTES of Paddy being delivered and being set out to his new pasture, he and Rocco were inseparable.

Sometimes I still can’t believe it. This is my reality. Two. Two giant Thoroughbred boys.

(Good Lord, guys…my husband is going to kill me.)

I have zero clue what the future holds, as usual, but I wanted you to know about this season of gratitude that I am in. There are unknowns, unpredictable worries that come from owning said two horses, and it’s a lot of work. (Ask said husband who may or may not kill me.)

This year for Christmas though, I don’t need to ask for a horse. I don’t need to ask for a saddle (because yes, I eventually used to ask for a saddle in place of a horse, because I thought that may temporarily fill the void I felt. I even got MYSELF a broken and falling apart English saddle from a Goodwill when I was in my late 20’s!!) I have TWO horses. I have two wonderful, incredibly bright and thriving children. And I have a husband who has chosen me for over ten years, even and especially during this new horsemanship journey. (Thank you for not killing me, Frank. I love you more than you know!)

I’m curious, friends…what are things that you used to dream about when you were a child? Did that dream shift? Did it stay the same? Did it come true?

And what today are you feeling grateful for?

So You Turned Thirty, What's the Big Deal?

Is turning thirty a big deal? Well, I don't know. A week or so before my thirtieth birthday I texted my mom VERY late at night. 

"Mom?" I said. "I think I'm freaking out about turning thirty."  

"Why?" she said. "It's just a number." 

There was more to it than that--she told me she loved thirty because that's the year she had ME (well ahem, of COURSE! haha!!) But I don't know, guys? Turning thirty just feels weird! 

Leading up to my thirtieth birthday I posted a photo on Instagram that asked my friends who were in their 30's (or older) to comment what their favorite part of this decade has been and I wanted to share some of the responses: 

• * I believe you will really begin to hone your craft. It’s the time to DO. 30’s are great.

• *You will love this decade! You will finally give yourself permission to love yourself as you are. You stop trying so hard and feeling so anxious about everything not being good enough... and then suddenly it IS good enough!

• *I love my confidence in my 30’s and also, the no BS. No time for that :)

I LOVED reading these and I believe every one of them to be true and things that I am looking forward to about this decade. Birthdays are a time of a lot of reflection for me (are they for you too?) so lately I've had a lot on my mind.

For instance, when I was recently in one of my riding lessons I had the strangest feeling. I had this memory of being TINY, [age, not size since not much as changed there height wise.....] leading this big giant lesson horse to the arena and over to the mounting block. I remember the very first lessons, the first jumps I took, the way that it felt to canter around a ring. And in many regards, nothing has changed, except for a number. But what feels so surreal is that those memories were decades and decades ago. Somehow, that ten-year-old girl is now thirty, and life just keeps flying by.

Do you know what I LOVE about turning thirty though? If you keep up with on Instagram or social media, you've totally seen that God granted me my biggest wish, my largest and most daring dream--my very own horse. He said, "Ashley, you doubted, and you doubted BIG. But I am going to give you a horse anyway. You are going to love him, learn from him, and get to ride him. His name is Paddy." A week before my birthday, Kathryn from the Horse Rescue in Nashville called me with the most exciting news: the horse I had met a couple weeks prior was still up for adoption, and she was offering him to ME.  

So while I feel kind of weird about the fact I'm wearing more wrinkles these days than ever, I'm also super excited to see what else my Creator has in store for me in this coming decade. My twentieth year brought me my husband, it was literally when I said, "I do." And my thirtieth brought me a horse. Asa (my husband) and I were talking recently and he said, "You have to promise to love me more than you love Paddy." While he was joking, I know there was a little bit of seriousness in what he said. I wasn't the girl who prayed for a husband or kids; I didn't actually really plan or dream about any of that. But my entire childhood consisted of me scheming for a horse--I was the weirdo who led a giant tricycle around the backyard with a dog leash tied to it, pretending it was a horse. I wanted my mom to see it and for that to be proof that I could duh, ACTUALLY take care of a 2000 pound animal. Are you shocked that DIDN'T work?? Yeah, me too. 

You know that I am so thankful Jesus gave me my husband. He is literally the glue that keeps my heart and soul together. And the fact that He also gave me two beautiful and healthy children? Pierson and Reese are my greatest and sweetest life accomplishments. But now I am also looking forward to *hopefully* growing old with Paddy; learning how he ticks, what he needs, and the two of us figuring each other out. I can't believe that I finally have my OWN horse that I can drive or walk to, to throw my arms around on a good or bad day, to kiss his nose and lay across his back. I'm looking forward to throwing a blanket in the pasture and reading a book beside him while he grazes. I can't wait to walk him and feed him and confide in him. And I ultimately cannot wait to bring along my family WITH me on this journey. When I look at Pierson and Reese, four and five years old, sometimes I want to laugh with delight that they are getting a horse in their lives at SUCH a young age! WHAT would childhood Ashley have done if that was me?! Oh my goodness, Y'all. Life is funny. Fleeting, beautiful, and funny. 

I don't think thirty has to be scary, and I don't think that is the word I would use to describe how I was feeling leading up to this year. It just feels surreal that the twenties are OVER--poof! They've disappeared, vanished, are gone.

Going back to what friends commented on the photo I posted, I pray that this IS the decade that I will hone in on my nitch, my craft, my passions. Also that my confidence will increase and that I will really and truly leave all the BS for what it is: BS. I hope that this is the year (decade) of lessened anxiety; of loving and accepting myself for WHO I am, and what I am. For crying out loud, I want to say to myself--ALL of your dreams have come true, what now?? 

{Full disclosure: I am a constant dreamer so I believe there will always be dreams on top of dreams on top of dreams...for instance, how I am praying that we can buy land and build a house there someday sooner than later, so that I can have my horse (and more!) ON our property!! However, I won't get too carried away and I'll admit that my biggest current dream has been checked off the list.} 

Here's my final thoughts leaving the twenties: "Something doesn’t have to be bad to be over. But maybe that season has given you everything it has to offer; it shaped and developed you, it stretched and inspired you. You’ve deeply incorporated its lasting values, and this place has been true to you and of you. Even then, you STILL have full permission to move forward or move on to something new, different, surprising, or risky." (Jen Hatmaker) 

Cheers to thirty, Y'all! If you have any fun thirty stories, feel free to share them in the comments below!