All I hear is the sound of rain falling into the nearby creek. Oh, and Emma’s occasional snore as she switches positions on the hardwood floor. Why did I ever question coming here?
Quarantined in a cabin, and tomorrow when I post this, 32 will have woken me.
I could sit here and write the same thing that I have for the last decade, “Where did the time go? How did it all go SO fast?” but instead I will spare you of that. Time went because that’s what time does. It passes. Three hundred and sixty five days, year after year, and it doesn’t stop, until it does.
There are no street lights here. There are no cars, no construction, no people even within our view. We can’t see the stars because it has been so cloudy, rainy, and dark. Yet it is so beautiful. So quiet. So peaceful. So needed.
The world currently is experiencing things that I have never witnessed or been a part of. It is essentially, in many ways, shutting down, in ways that even my parents have never seen. What all of us are going through is textbook worthy—someday. People will write about this, our children will remember this, and we will probably be left wondering: how did I handle that?
Pandemics.
I don’t believe there is any way to predict them. And with this one, sickness does not discriminate…it does not pick and choose, it just barges in without notice, without permission, to whoever unfortunately is in its’ way. It does not care about your religion, your ethnicity, your stance on world issues, and by God it does not care what political party you represent. It just is and it just DOES.
So what are we doing? What am I doing? I’m here. In a cabin. In the woods. With my husband and our children, six and seven years old, and our one year old Golden, Emma.
It is an awfully strange time to be celebrating turning another year older, but just like I can’t control the Pandemic, I also can’t control aging. This year feels different. Not because I can’t celebrate with anyone besides my family or because I can’t go out to eat at my favorite restaurant—no…it feels different because this year FINALLY feels like the year I may have a lot more figured out than I ever have in any birthday prior.
I used to care SO drastically about SO MUCH. It’s not that I don’t anymore, it’s just that my priorities are shifting. I don’t have the energy or the time to sit and wonder and mope about failures. Wait. I don’t even want to say that. Were the things in my life that ended up being disappointments ‘FAILURES?’ I think I am realizing that the things in my past that have hurt me and that I thought at the time would wreck me tremendously…are actually things that stretched me into ME. I had a friend once who I absolutely adored. I think though if I am being honest, I had her on a very high pedestal. I wanted her approval, and for her to think that I was beautiful and wonderful and that she would look to me in the way that I looked to her; and what that ended up doing was push us apart. I had SO many damn expectations that should have never existed. I mourned the loss of that friendship, I grew bitter roots and had to tear them down time and time an time again. And then you know what happened? One day I woke and said out loud, “Dang I miss ____. I’m going to text her.” I literally felt the sun shine deep into my heart that day. Like the universe smiled and said, “Ashley, those things don’t matter anymore. Just tell her hello.”
It’s been the little things like that, especially over the last year, that have changed me. The past few months I wondered how in the world 32 would be ANY different than 31. I was scared I would dread it, want to ignore it, poo poo it, let it pass me by. Birthdays are weird for me, in my adult life they always have been. And then this dang Pandemic happened and my family and I were literally forced to STOP doing our ‘normal’ lifestyle, to stop physically socializing and STOP going IN to work every single day, and we were forced to just BE. It has made me think a WHOLE lot more and within that, check in on people I have maybe neglected to for too long… it’s made me see what MATTERS.
This is what matters.
My people. My dog. My family. My friends.
Letting go of bitterness, old regrets, shame, sadness, worries, and failures.
In the past I felt so sad about not having that ONE friend who you just did every single with: chick flicks, walks, Target runs, coffee dates, and whatever else comes with having a BFF. And then it dawned on me. Why would I crave anything else when what I DO have is literally right in front of me?
A husband that literally takes a riding lesson on your horse to prove to you that he loves you and wants to someday ride with you. Who binge watches ALL the shows, makes ALL the snacks, is the best shoulder to laugh OR cry on, who does all the Target runs, WOULD do all the chick flicks if I asked, and who loves me SO incredibly and tremendously well.
And it’s not like I don’t have friends outside of him. I’m just no longer incredibly STRESSED by the fact that they may ebb and flow and drift and wander and that all of that, is perfectly normal. By all means I don’t have it all figured out, Y’all. I’m still at heart, a natural feeler. ‘Big feelings’ is what I like to call my emotions. I still worry and do the what if game. I wonder what five years from now looks like. Control, success, BIG dreams are still very much things that I am drawn to. But my prayer is that this year, I can continue to knock down the things and hurts of the past so that even MORE sunshine pours in. Instead of dreading 32 or wishing that this was year 22…I really and truly am going to try my hardest to embrace it.
Here’s to another birthday. Another year around the sun. Another chance to be great, to work hard and to LOVE WELL.
* If there’s one thing I can suggest to you as you finish reading this? Go find a cabin. The one we are in has been absolutely wonderful. There’s a hot tub, a pond nearby, lots of trails, a cozy, cozy living space, and all the quiet in the world. Being in Kentucky, we are still practicing our social distancing by coming here, and what a needed retreat it has been. PS: you can even get 15% off from now until May 1st with the code GLASS15 so especially if you are a fellow, Kentuckian, I say do it!*
