I have seen a quote floating around that says this,
“ I remember the days I prayed for what I have now.”
Little Girl Ashley is still in disbelief of Grown Up Ashley’s reality: two horses. Two gorgeous, Thoroughbred boys. But that wasn’t ever the plan. That dream of owning just one was fleeting and then just like that, God said, “Here you go.”
Y’all (or most) remember my traumatic fall from Paddy on Mother’s Day, only a month after getting him. 2018 seems like so far behind me and yet it’s still like yesterday. After that fall, I did get back on Paddy, and I was persistent as I tried to become a better rider on him, and become a better rider overall. The truth is though, Paddy in the yard he was living in, was getting more and more aggressive and dangerous to the humans in his life. I’ll never forget when he tore off on a tyrant showing his oats, trying to show all of us in the field “who was boss.” His back hooves came inches from the home owner’s head, and that was it for us. He had become such a liability living in that field with a mare, that I knew he had to go. I also knew that I wasn’t improving in my riding with him. Every spook he had, every time I felt his heart rate pound through him while I sat upon his back, I froze in complete fear. I called my trainer one day after a difficult and scary for me ride, and cried so hard. I told her I thought I had to be done…that this was it, I couldn’t do this.
“Hold on, Ashley,” she said so calmly. (She’s always been my calm since the day I got Paddy basically, and I am so grateful for her still today!) “I think we may have another option horse wise for you…” she said.
We made plans, and I went out to go meet a different horse. ANOTHER tall, chestnut gelding, with a white blaze on his face too. He looked SO similar to Paddy. With his current owner and my trainer we tacked him up and I went for a ride—I cantered freely down a huge open field, we went over some small jumps, and it all came back to me—>I DID know how to ride. I DO know how to ride. The owner told me that she simply wanted him to be loved by a sweet family, one who had kids and who would love him and care for him well. He was a gift to me, and it didn’t take much convincing for me to of course say YES.
So what then, with Paddy? What next? Well, he couldn’t stay where he was, that was for sure. He karate kicked my husband’s thigh, he had charged at he and my children, and he had almost killed the homeowner. Maybe not, but the point was, he couldn’t stay where he was. Little did we know it was just living with a female that had changed him SO much from the Paddy I originally met. . . my trainer suggested keeping him at her farm, and we worked out an arrangement with Rocco to be used as a lesson horse in her program. My board therefore, was a little lighter than expected it may be in moving barn locations. I assumed though, that I would find someone to lease Paddy, or that I would need to find him a new home altogether. I didn’t see how I would ever successfully or confidently be able to ride Paddy. I loved him SO much, and on the ground, he was my heart horse. While I thought I would find him a new home, my heart loved him still so deeply.
I got Paddy in April 2018, and said yes to Rocco in October 2018. Within six months of being brand new to horse ownership…I now had TWO horses!
I began to take lessons on Rocco with my trainer. Before no time, we were trotting, cantering , jumping, and galloping through fields. I started showing him, doing some dressage and jumping. I went trail riding with him at Shelby Trails, I rode him reins free, bridle free, bareback, all of the things. My daughter at first, was obsessed. She would come with me whenever she could, but over time, that changed. It’s okay (I guess..ha), that my kids don’t have the horse gene that I do. They don’t love being at the barn when I go, they bicker and fight and truthfully it’s a lot of work for ME to even have them with me. Especially when they’re together. And these days when Reese comes with me, she gets bored quickly. She’ll ask for a phone or to do her iPad, and I’m left wondering, “how in the world are they my children?” That sounds so harsh, but the truth for me is that it does baffle me how they are so different from me. My friend at the barn says, “It’s okay, Ash, they have their own interests that make them who they are” and I KNOW that’s true. But it’s also hard ;) [I don’t ever want to discredit my family—they have been nothing but supportive of me, a horse crazed girl (woman), and I couldn’t do any of what I’ve done with these horses, without THEM.
The last year, I started feeling the weight of the work and time two horses takes. Last summer as I rode Rocco, I vividly remember thinking, “Maybe I’m not supposed to have two horses anymore…” and then so much guilt and shame and negative thoughts flooded in accusingly saying, “How dare you, Ashley! Why would you ever consider not having both??” Once Paddy normalized, aka hormones went back to normal from living in a field with other geldings, he and I started to grow together again. I started spending time in the round pen with him, doing games and playing and laughing. I began to ride him with my trainer, under supervision at first, and then I got to the place where I could ride him independently. I once thought I’d never be able to canter him through a big and open field, and we’ve now done it many times. He has spooked with me on his back. I have felt his heartbeat anxiously thud beneath me in times he was scared, and yet my fear has dissipated.
Because of Rocco.
Rocco was my healer. My confidence booster. My hero, really, in transforming me as an equestrian. And he has been SO loved by so many other than just me at the barn. His lesson kids love him so much; he’s been used in the summer camp program, and he’s has even done horse shows with kids. Any time he goes to horse shows it seems like people everywhere call out, “Is that Rocco?! It’s Rocco! Awwww, Rocco!” He is so known, and everyone knows how incredible and one of a kind he is. He is patient, tender, loving, and SO smart.
Recently the feeling and thoughts came back, “What if I only had one horse…” Time, money, the kids getting older and busier, it has just felt like a stretch. I dialogued with my trainer and I actually have cried quite a bit at that phrase and nagging question. I kept feeling so much guilt and shame for feeling that way…he was a gift to me, and I didn’t want it to EVER come across that I was ungrateful whatsoever for his Saintly Self. With time and discussion, and LOTS of prayer, I began to feel at peace. Largely because there is a VERY sweet family who has dreamt of having Rocco for several years. These two sweet kids have used him during summer camp the past two summers…after talking with the mom (who is also wife to my horses farrier!) I knew they were his next people.
My gift to them.
My chance to pay it forward. To pass him on.
Nothing will change really, except for ownership. Rocco will now be loved by two little kids whose biggest dreams are to be horse kids. And get this…Rocco has the same birthday as the little boy. Rocco turns twenty on April 9 and Duncan will turn thirteen. How cool and ironic is that?
To those who have blessed me on my journey with my horses (there are so many of you), thank you. Thank you for believing in me, in us, and for never making me feel shamed or less than for downsizing to one horse. I told Paddy recently, “Hey, Buddy… you’re my only horse now, can you believe that…?” As we walked through the field the sun was setting, and I thanked God for the peace He has allowed me to feel. And for the love I have received through SO many in my journey with Rocco.
Without Rocco, I wouldn’t still have Paddy. Without Rocco, I wouldn’t have confidence. Without Rocco, I wouldn’t have experience. Without Rocco, I wouldn’t have trust. Without Rocco, I wouldn’t have the freedom I feel when I am atop either horse. Thank you, Rocco…for being who and what you are.
You were a gift. And you are my healer. Thank you for loving me. For loving your future kids and family. WE ALL LOVE YOU.
xx
