A Mom Meltdown and Pandemic Blues

It has been 251 days.

We walked out of our classrooms on March 13, having zero clue what to expect, what was REALLY happening, and what the future would look like.

First, I want to admit to you that I feel guilty even trying to write this post. I have a tendency to be way too hard on myself (shocker!!) and sometimes I instill shame or guilt for absolutely zero reason. I also often tread lightly, tiptoeing around certain subjects because let’s face it; there are a LOT of you who may read my work and you may disagree heavily. At the end of the day, that’s not why I do what I do; to please everyone—so clearly I am giving myself this mini pep talk before I move on. But let’s move on.

Tonight I freaked out. Not like, ALL the way freaked out? But I definitely freaked out.

Our kids fight, A LOT. This may sound dramatic, but both Asa and I feel like they bicker and pick and tattle and bicker some more…ALL DAY LONG. It’s exhausting. It wears me down. It deflates both of us, a lot. MOST of the time, I’m able to shrug it off. To remind myself that they are kids, they are seven and eight years old, and that “this too shall pass.” But tonight? Tonight was different. It’s been a long week, Guys. Yeah, it’s been a long YEAR, but let me focus a little smaller for now. Asa and I both teach from home, and our kids have been learning virtually as well. For 251 days we have been together, around the clock, more than we ever have before. There hasn’t been a seven hour break in our day where Asa goes to work at his school, the kids go to actual classrooms, and I am at my school. Truthfully?? And you might hate me for this?? Quarantine has generally speaking, been a blessing for us. Asa and I’s marriage has been STRONGER, we’ve fought less, and throughout the summer especially, we were in a GROOVE that I can’t explain. Life almost felt ‘normal,’ as we were able to be outside a ton, hike, a lot, and we spent a ton of time with the local siblings and family. It felt GOOD.

Today I taught from home, went for a run, exercised one of my horses, took photos for a family, came home, and instead of being able to ‘aaahhh,’ sigh a big sigh of relief because home is always wonderful right??…..I lost it. Pierson can’t stand when Reese whistles. Sadly, he learned that from me I think because I despise whistling, and he’s a lot like me sometimes. I can only take SO much of it, but I do TRY to let it go. The girl should be allowed to be happy and LIVE. Asa had worked hard on dinner and we were sitting down to watch a new Netflix movie as a family; mind you, in the glow of the Christmas tree and twinkly lights and our sweet wonderful Golden Retrievers (aka completely magical setting right?!?) The kids finished their dinner, we told them we would make them popcorn and they could have some Halloween candy. (Can you see how blessed/spoiled they are??) As they’re going up the stairs to get their bags, I hear fighting, whining, and this, “REESE! STOP WHISTLING!!” he didn’t say it once though…he said it numerous times and it was the icing on the cake after the longest week ever…A ton of bricks felt as if they dumped right out onto my chest. I’m not exaggerating when I say I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My chest hurt. I was overcome with such anger; I stormed to the bottom of the stairs, screamed at my kids (mostly him), kicked the floor, sped-walked to our bedroom, slammed the door, and sat in our closet in the pitch black burying my head in my hands.

WHY!?

Well first, thank God for Asa. He came in gently, reminded me that that’s really NOT the precedent we want to set for our kids, and told me to just breathe. Our orange wonder cat Alfie came to the closet to find me, sat in my lap and I practiced some big, DEEP breaths. After a few minutes, I came back out to the living room, tears in my eyes, and Asa was there, graciously parenting the kids. I grabbed my Peace & Calming essential oil, rubbed some in my hands and took deep breaths AGAIN. I apologized to the kids for losing my temper (I promise this is not a NORMAL occurrence for me.) I can get mad and angry and annoyed but tonight I will wholeheartedly admit I went over the edge.

Here’s where my heart is currently. This week has been HARD. Every year we host Thanksgiving with the local family. Every year, Asa looks forward to making our home beautiful and warm and cozy and filled with nothing but the BEST homemade food. The kids play and there is laughter and screaming and complete beautiful chaos. (Let’s face it, I basically hate noise, so it’s taken me some time to get to the point where I ENJOY their happy screams?? But after 12 years of holidays together, I promise I do now enjoy it.) We were planning to host this coming Saturday, with the same people we always have; and with the same people we have spent all of quarantine basically with. Our bubble has been small, we always ALL wear masks when going out in any form of public, we wash our hands and don’t put them in our mouth…I mean you name it, we are doing ALL the ‘right’ things…..so I didn’t really think twice about spending the holiday together!

And then gosh…our governor did his daily 4pm broadcast and he informed Kentucky that he is highly recommending that gatherings be limited to eight people, and a maximum of two households. He said this:

“Since March 6 – the day Kentucky had its first confirmed case – we have been under attack and at war with the coronavirus. It has upended our routines, damaged our economy, threatened our children’s education and taken far too many lives,” Gov. Beshear said. “Now, it is time for Kentucky’s third counterattack on the coronavirus. Let me be clear about a few things. This is not, and will not be, a shutdown. Our economy is open, and there will be no closings based on essential or nonessential services. But today we are announcing significant, but surgical and targeted steps designed to slow the spread of the virus and protect our people.”

That night, everyone decided that cancelling this year’s Kentucky Thanksgiving was the right thing to do, as much as it hurts to say and process that. My heart sunk for Asa…it sunk for my sweet niece who turns 13 on November 24 and who cannot have a party to celebrate…it sunk for our city and our people, period. Our kids MISS school. We miss seeing our co-workers and having that normalcy and routine in our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I have LOVED working from home in my sweatpants and fuzzy socks most days…but 251 days is a lot. And I KNOW we could have it worse. I KNOW our situation could be horrendous. I am THANKFUL that we have had our careers during this time and that we haven’t worried about unemployment or how the shut downs necessarily affect or don’t affect us. But my heart is still TIRED.

Pandemic fatigue is a REAL THING. Heavy hearts is a real thing. It’s okay to be and feel blessed, and to also be WORN OUT. I shared in my Instagram stories yesterday some of this (minus the breakdown part because I hadn’t HAD it yet… bless….) and I had some really sweet feedback. It was obvious I’m not the only feeling this way. I’ve also muted a LOT of Instagram accounts and hid things from my Facebook wall. I’ve realized now probably more than ever, my heart needs boundaries and it needs to be protected. Some people will post graphics and memes and such HARSH opinions ALL throughout their platforms and Y’all, it brings me DOWN. Thank God for the mute button. I still love my friends and it’s okay to follow people with different opinions and views (how lame would it be if we all THOUGHT the same exact way on every single issue and topic?!?) but I can’t do all the hate and bashing and one sided opinions.

So there ya have it, friends! That’s where I’M at. How are YOU?? How have your plans this holiday season changed (or not changed?) If you need someone to share frustrations or camaraderie with, always know you can email me. We can sit in it together. And Mamas? If you’re one who has freaked out recently (or ever), just know you ALSO are not alone. Or the worst mom ever.

PS: Please just be a good neighbor. Whether that’s wearing a mask, social distancing, waving from across the street or through a window…just BE a good neighbor. We are all in this together. Less fighting, less shaming, less preaching, more loving. Please.

The Summer We Didn't Set Out to Have

There was no beach trip. No walking the shore at sunrise or sunset. No white sand or avoiding jellyfish. There wasn’t a single day spent where we asked, ‘pool or beach?’ This year, our slow days looked different. The outings looked different. This was, after all, the summer that was different.

And then it dawned on me…maybe this was the perfect summer after all?

My kids fought…a LOT. I think it is literally safe to say that a day did not go by that they did NOT fight? They are fifteen months apart, and they are basically day and night different from one another. Recently my sister in law asked how I was doing, and in that exact moment, I was SO tired and SO overwhelmed. I said, “Jae, I am SO tired of my KIDS. I know that is SO incredibly terrible to say….” but it was the truth. I’m sure I had been picking up clutter or cleaning or vacuuming for the gazillionth time, and I was having a tired Mom moment. And then I heard them laughing—cracking up actually. They had been wrestling (their new favorite past time) and something clearly became funny and they were so happy. Their laugh was contagious and I started smiling, then chuckling, then I had to go find them and I started laughing too.

ALL of this time, together. Just us. Our family. Four very imperfect people. Within these walls you’ll find our three cats, one precious angel of a dog, and the four of us humans, clearly.

We have gone on a LOT of walks. We’ve been on a lot of trails. We’ve caught fish (by we there I mean my husband and son…) We’ve caught snakes (by we I mean ME on that one…) We’ve gone boating and floating in a local lake, we’ve gone horseback riding, and exploring. We’ve worked out together, ran together, learned more about God together, and really, we’ve loved one another.

These photos are from a random day we decided to wade at a nearby creek…they remind me of the summer that we didn’t necessarily set out to have, but the one that we will never, ever forget.

I realize it is not necessarily the norm for kids to have both parents who are teachers…and that summer vacations look very different for a lot of the city, state, and even world. I don’t take it lightly that we are incredibly blessed, and every single day I thank God that while I have had my moments of being tired and/or fed-up as their mom…I would not trade it for anything. Our son Pierson turned eight this summer…which theoretically means he has what, ten more summers under our roof? Sure, he can choose to stay well after he’s eighteen…but you know what I mean. The days may be long but the years are literally soaring. I thank God for photos, for these moments, and by golly dare I say it, yes, I thank Him for this summer.

Christmas in July and Why it was a Must This Year

2020. The year that will never end, right?? From a global pandemic, and systemic racial oppression, a tanking economy, fear and uncertainty, and everything in-between...this has been a tough year for everyone. (Oh yeah, and flippin Murder Hornets? They were a thing too.) We left our classrooms in March not knowing what in the world would be next, and come August, we will return to school once again…online. The kids miss their friends, their teachers, socializing, and let’s face it, we honestly miss the normal work routine as well and being able to mingle with our co-workers. There has been tension, stress, a lot of unknowns, and a LOT of sadness and negativity flooding social media.

We decided it was time for something happy.
We decided that Christmas in July was a must this year.
…so we did it!
Once the kids went to sleep on July 23rd Asa got out some of our Christmas decorations and we (he..) got to work.

We set our alarms on the 24th and woke before the kids did. Reese is usually the first to wake right at 8am and she was right on time ‘Christmas Eve’ morning. As we drank our coffee and beamed up at her, she was SO confused. As soon as she came around the corner and actually saw the Christmas trees with presents underneath, she sprinted to Pierson’s room and excitedly woke him up. Their reactions were priceless and the joy in our home felt like a warm blanket. They looked at the presents (they each got a total of seven) and then we sat on the couch to watch Christmas movies (starting with Curious George’s Christmas that they have loved since they were toddlers.) Our plans were to spend the next two days together as a family (not that we haven’t had a ton of just family time), but to be more intentional with the things we did; baking cookies, cooking, coloring, decorating, creating, movies together, and big holiday like meals. We had Asa’s mama over as she typically joins us Christmas Eve, and after dinner Asa read the Birth of Jesus to all of us and then we watched a Christmas Story. We baked Gingerbread cookies with a Lemon Cream Cheese Frosting, and earlier in the day we went to Lotsa Pasta to get fresh ravioli for the next night’s dinner. The home was just the right amount of Christmas decor—and the whole mood of the house just felt so peaceful.

On July 25th we had breakfast and then let the kids open their gifts. Again, they got 7 each, and we wrapped things separately like paint by itself, paintbrushes, canvas’s, and then Reese got a couple of dresses and Pierson got a couple of new pairs of shoes. It wasn’t about the presents or spoiling the kids—this was all to create a happy memory for all of us for what has been such a tough and challenging year.

I diffused our Christmas Spirit oil in ALL our diffusers around the clock the entire two days. When we say it smells like ‘Christmas in a bottle,’ we totally mean it. It’s a little spicy, a tad sweet, and just smells completely heavenly. (Want it for yourself? Leave a comment here and I’ll hook you up!) Overall, we highly recommend participating in Christmas in July yourself. You don’t have to go BIG, you don’t have to set up a ginormous tree, just make it what you want and how you want! We used our porch tree from Treetopia and the pre-lit garland that we had from the same company. I had a lot of people message me and say they wanted to do this but it seemed like so much work; my husband will tell you it probably took him an hour start to finish [he is the speedy decorator, again, he is kin to Buddy the Elf so it’s just in his blood,] and he would also tell you it was completely 1000% worth it. August is around the corner, online school will be happening at LEAST the first six weeks (let’s face it.. probably longer..) and we are just praying we can take it ALL in stride and that everyone can stay healthy and happy.

Rock Island State Park and the Most Magnificent Waterfall

Safe at Home has been the famous phrase we’ve heard for months, right? But for us it’s been more like, ‘safe at home AND in nature…’ When Asa first told me though that he had booked a campsite in Rock Island, TN, I’ll admit I was not super excited about the three hour drive there. But I WAS excited for some family time, and that my big brother and his wife were even able to join us. I have never camped with my brother before this and it meant so much to have him there! But anyway, back to the camp site. When we arrived, there was a torrential downpour. My sister in law Jana is the most badass woman I’ve literally ever met, and she and her three kids were practically done setting up their tent and site when we arrived. Soon, all of us were together, (my brother and his wife came later, after dark, and they had to set up their tent with minimal light but hey, it got done!) At first I was super grumpy about the sloppy grounds, dirty feet and the fact that my white English Cream Golden was filthy within minutes of our arrival… but I pretty soon got over it. The kids were having a blast, we all brought our dogs and Emma was in literal dog and camping Heaven, and it felt so good to just BE together. (Quarantine STINKS!!!!)

Some may tease me, but I have ZERO shame in always getting a site with electricity. I also have zero shame that we have the worlds largest tent and that my husband who is six foot four can stand UP in said tent. We sleep best with a fan, so we always bring one. All of that means I am way LESS ornery when I am woken up at five a.m. to the sound of birds and the blinding sunlight pouring through, because I sleep WELL, and we are never crowded.

Asa brings the best food camping (he brings and makes the best food in general….) but I really love our mornings on these trips. Did I mention we also bring an electric coffee maker because hello, it’s faster, and it brews a very large pot?! Those cups of coffee spent with family around a fire are so dang special.

Now on to some more fun stuff… Rock Island has a bunch of trails, most are pretty short. The longest trail (on the map) is 2.65 miles, most are even shorter. You can grab a trail map, water guide, and other important info from the welcome center near the camp grounds. VERY close to the campsite is the Historic Cotton Mill, and Old Mill Gorge Trail. Unfortunately when we were there, the trails were closed to do extreme flooding. However, there is a stunning lookout at the parking lot/trailhead that allows for gorgeous views into the gorge! From there, if you look into the distance, opposite side of Center Hill Lake, you should be able to see one of the swimming areas. The trail there is short, if it’s open, and will take you down into the gorge, and to one of the swimming locations.

There’s a trailhead called ‘Down Stream’ and that is where you will find Twin Falls, and perhaps THE most breathtaking waterfall you’ve ever seen—at least that we’ve ever seen :) We climbed our way onto the rocky bank and made it to the water to truly appreciate the beauty of the magnificent falls.

From Twin Falls, follow the trail upstream until you get to a staircase. These will take you to the Upstream Trailhead and the road you originally drove in on. Upstream is the trail that leads to where we spent MOST of our time swimming. The climb down into the gorge is doable for small kids, (we even met an older gentleman on a cane who made the climb down), but I would NOT recommend a stroller or wagon. The water was cold but very refreshing. Swimming above water falls and down in a gorge was both scary and magical—absolutely an adventure worth having!!

Hiking was so much fun, but as always, please use caution and good judgement when exploring the gorge, especially along the water. The current was quite strong and I am very grateful for LOTS of hands and adults to help watch and monitor our kids and all the kids. Emma had a BLAST swimming, but ultimately she wore herself out pretty significantly and I kinda wish I hadn’t let her swim as much as I did… but we lived and learned and really, this trip was magnificent. We did NOT swim at Twin Falls, and there were plenty of signs reminding us and cautioning us that lives have been lost there. Be safe, use your head, go with people, have fun and remember how big and vast our Creator is!! PS: the country side and drives there were one of my favorite parts…I even had to get out and photograph some adorable cows. There were rolling hills for days and my heart was so full as I took it all in.

And here is a video of the most magnificent waterfall video taken by my brother Sean Rogers, isn’t it beautiful?!