This is 33

This is 33.

12:30a.m. writing this post. When I’m supposed to be long asleep (as my husband is….) Six a.m. will come too quickly, and it’ll be the first time in a little over a YEAR, for me to work IN person, WITH actual people. Tomorrow I go back, and the thought is incredibly surreal. March 13, 2020 I walked out of my classroom, as did most of the world (Kentucky at the very least) and I had no idea what was coming.

For my 32nd birthday we booked a cabin in the woods and thought we would have just a ‘few weeks’ at home. Little did we know, right? We celebrated with lots of hiking, confetti cinnamon rolls, and Asa zoomed his family through his laptop to wish me a happy birthday. I remember being SO weirded out at that, a zoom call?! HA HA!!! It’s been the literal story of my life for a YEAR. Yours too, probably…

“How old do you feel?” I’ve been asked. And you know what… I have NO idea!! Is there actually an age that you feel right now? I’m super curious. I guess if I had to really dwell on it, I still feel like I’m in my twenties, but in a much BETTER way. While I still have insecurities and anxieties, they don’t compare to what twenty-something Ashley used to feel. I have been brushing things off a lot better these days, not hyper-focusing on things that just do not matter. Birthdays are always contemplative for me, so I wanted to share just a few things that I believe I’ve learned and become:

-My time is valuable. I work a full time job and a lot of ‘side’ jobs. I have several businesses and I spend a lot of time WORKING. But the days are fleeting, my kids are growing up SO fast, and I believe with each year that passes, I am reminded that we aren’t guaranteed a set number of days here on Earth. Therefore? I want my yes’s to count, and my no’s to count too. Time is valuable, and I want to make sure that I don’t waste mine.

-It’s OKAY to work and it’s okay to want to make extra income. I have a very big dream (yes, still!) of owning land and being in our forever home surrounded by open spaces. Getting there on two teacher salaries probably isn’t super feasible, so I enjoy being a multi-passionate entrepreneur and working hard to TRY to win a shot at my big dreams. I’m also incredibly grateful to have a husband who is willing to dream alongside me, even though many days I drive him up a wall ;)

-Taking medication for mental wellness is OKAY. I’m sorry, but how many people dealt with more stress and worries and anxiety the last YEAR then quite possibly ever before?! Sometime last summer (I think summer??) my favorite cat was diagnosed with diabetes. That’s a LONG story, but it was the straw that broke my back for a while. We lost our senior dogs back to back, and then we legitimately thought we were losing Manny. I spoke with my doctor and told her I felt my head was spinning constantly, I was having such obsessive and neurotic thoughts and I couldn’t even enjoy LIFE because I was stressing over him ALL THE TIME. Really, Ashley, over a damn cat you got put on anxiety meds? Yup. SHO DID. A baby dose at that, (a friend jokes with me that it was a placebo) and I stopped taking it within a few months (after his diabetes went into remission, like WHAT?!) but I LEARNED that it was OKAY. And if I ever feel I need to be back on it? That’s okay too.

-I’m not for everyone. And that is OKAY. I have been told by more people than I can count now that they are going to ‘unfollow me.’ I have been deleted and blocked on Facebook by family members and I’m sure on Instagram as well and you know what…? That’s okay!! While I may not understand it (I’m a huge advocate for two ways conversations, not one sided judgements) I absolutely encourage everyone to make the decisions that are best for THEM. Okay what I REALLY want to say and I’m going to because it’s my birthday: “No need to announce your exit but regardless, don’t let the door hit you on your way out!” ;)

-Patience. The past year especially has taught me this fruit of the spirit immensely. We couldn’t DO anything the last twelve months. We couldn’t go anywhere. We couldn’t change the circumstances. All we could do was figure out the best way to make our life a happy one and to try our best to love one another, EVERY single day. Teaching from home, our kids learning from home, trying to run my other businesses from home and not being able to GO OUT and take photos (a big part of my living)….PATIENCE.

-Still a night owl. I would rather work until three o’clock in the morning than go to bed at a decent hour and wake up earlier. Nope, nope, nope. I am obviously still a night owl (almost 1 a.m. and my alarm will be going off in five hours. Ouch.)

-I’m a decent runner. Last June I started running more consistently again, and as I began to increase my miles, I decided I wanted to run a mini marathon of my own. The one I ran in 2017 was a horrendous experience for me (the aftermath especially), and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to do it again…but sure enough, January 30th, when my sweet sister in law was laboring with my nephew in Nashville, I ran 13.2 miles all on my own in the very freezing cold. THIS time I had trained more appropriately, and while I ran I kept thinking, “If she can have a baby, I can keep running.” HA, same thing, right, Beth?? (Lord bless my sister in law, y’all; that’s also another story for another time but she is SUCH a fricken warrior and we are so glad Johnny is here!)

-Jesus > me. The hurt in the world is too vast for me to try to make sense of, but if there’s one thing I have learned over the past year especially, it is that Jesus is bigger than ME. And guess what, He is bigger than YOU too. I do not care what church you attend or that you were a part of, if they are not actively seeking and representing JESUS. Not religion, not rules, not traditions or customs, I want JESUS. And because currently my Asian friends and family and my African American friends and family STILL are questioning whether or not they are worthy and loved!? I am begging for JESUS to be bigger than the noise and hurt. I am praying so hard for Light to overcome the Darkness and that for me personally, I will show light and love to all.

I’m sure there’s more that I could write and expand on, but really this is a pretty good picture of what I look like at 33. Not physically as in the photo above, just who I am. Thirty-two was a good year; a weird one, but good. I was able to stay home with my family every single day…for a year. I pray my kids look back on our time together fondly. That I didn’t yell too much or seem too busy. I hope that they look back and remember our time around the table, the card games, the meals, the walks in the woods and fields with our dogs, the movie nights in our family room, the laughter and the cuddling.

Being a wife and mom is an incredible honor for me and I don’t take it lightly. Here’s to another year around the sun, friends. Let’s see what this one brings…!

Quarantined and Turning 32

All I hear is the sound of rain falling into the nearby creek. Oh, and Emma’s occasional snore as she switches positions on the hardwood floor. Why did I ever question coming here?

Quarantined in a cabin, and tomorrow when I post this, 32 will have woken me.

I could sit here and write the same thing that I have for the last decade, “Where did the time go? How did it all go SO fast?” but instead I will spare you of that. Time went because that’s what time does. It passes. Three hundred and sixty five days, year after year, and it doesn’t stop, until it does.

There are no street lights here. There are no cars, no construction, no people even within our view. We can’t see the stars because it has been so cloudy, rainy, and dark. Yet it is so beautiful. So quiet. So peaceful. So needed.

The world currently is experiencing things that I have never witnessed or been a part of. It is essentially, in many ways, shutting down, in ways that even my parents have never seen. What all of us are going through is textbook worthy—someday. People will write about this, our children will remember this, and we will probably be left wondering: how did I handle that?

Pandemics.

I don’t believe there is any way to predict them. And with this one, sickness does not discriminate…it does not pick and choose, it just barges in without notice, without permission, to whoever unfortunately is in its’ way. It does not care about your religion, your ethnicity, your stance on world issues, and by God it does not care what political party you represent. It just is and it just DOES.

So what are we doing? What am I doing? I’m here. In a cabin. In the woods. With my husband and our children, six and seven years old, and our one year old Golden, Emma.

It is an awfully strange time to be celebrating turning another year older, but just like I can’t control the Pandemic, I also can’t control aging. This year feels different. Not because I can’t celebrate with anyone besides my family or because I can’t go out to eat at my favorite restaurant—no…it feels different because this year FINALLY feels like the year I may have a lot more figured out than I ever have in any birthday prior.

I used to care SO drastically about SO MUCH. It’s not that I don’t anymore, it’s just that my priorities are shifting. I don’t have the energy or the time to sit and wonder and mope about failures. Wait. I don’t even want to say that. Were the things in my life that ended up being disappointments ‘FAILURES?’ I think I am realizing that the things in my past that have hurt me and that I thought at the time would wreck me tremendously…are actually things that stretched me into ME. I had a friend once who I absolutely adored. I think though if I am being honest, I had her on a very high pedestal. I wanted her approval, and for her to think that I was beautiful and wonderful and that she would look to me in the way that I looked to her; and what that ended up doing was push us apart. I had SO many damn expectations that should have never existed. I mourned the loss of that friendship, I grew bitter roots and had to tear them down time and time an time again. And then you know what happened? One day I woke and said out loud, “Dang I miss ____. I’m going to text her.” I literally felt the sun shine deep into my heart that day. Like the universe smiled and said, “Ashley, those things don’t matter anymore. Just tell her hello.”

It’s been the little things like that, especially over the last year, that have changed me. The past few months I wondered how in the world 32 would be ANY different than 31. I was scared I would dread it, want to ignore it, poo poo it, let it pass me by. Birthdays are weird for me, in my adult life they always have been. And then this dang Pandemic happened and my family and I were literally forced to STOP doing our ‘normal’ lifestyle, to stop physically socializing and STOP going IN to work every single day, and we were forced to just BE. It has made me think a WHOLE lot more and within that, check in on people I have maybe neglected to for too long… it’s made me see what MATTERS.

This is what matters.
My people. My dog. My family. My friends.
Letting go of bitterness, old regrets, shame, sadness, worries, and failures.
In the past I felt so sad about not having that ONE friend who you just did every single with: chick flicks, walks, Target runs, coffee dates, and whatever else comes with having a BFF. And then it dawned on me. Why would I crave anything else when what I DO have is literally right in front of me?

A husband that literally takes a riding lesson on your horse to prove to you that he loves you and wants to someday ride with you. Who binge watches ALL the shows, makes ALL the snacks, is the best shoulder to laugh OR cry on, who does all the Target runs, WOULD do all the chick flicks if I asked, and who loves me SO incredibly and tremendously well.

And it’s not like I don’t have friends outside of him. I’m just no longer incredibly STRESSED by the fact that they may ebb and flow and drift and wander and that all of that, is perfectly normal. By all means I don’t have it all figured out, Y’all. I’m still at heart, a natural feeler. ‘Big feelings’ is what I like to call my emotions. I still worry and do the what if game. I wonder what five years from now looks like. Control, success, BIG dreams are still very much things that I am drawn to. But my prayer is that this year, I can continue to knock down the things and hurts of the past so that even MORE sunshine pours in. Instead of dreading 32 or wishing that this was year 22…I really and truly am going to try my hardest to embrace it.

Here’s to another birthday. Another year around the sun. Another chance to be great, to work hard and to LOVE WELL.

* If there’s one thing I can suggest to you as you finish reading this? Go find a cabin. The one we are in has been absolutely wonderful. There’s a hot tub, a pond nearby, lots of trails, a cozy, cozy living space, and all the quiet in the world. Being in Kentucky, we are still practicing our social distancing by coming here, and what a needed retreat it has been. PS: you can even get 15% off from now until May 1st with the code GLASS15 so especially if you are a fellow, Kentuckian, I say do it!*

Fearless, Feisty, Fabulous, FOUR

You know it's strange, with this one, I kind of felt like she would stay three forever. Two flew by but there were weeks and months of her being three that I remember longing for her to turn another year older. Well, here we are...at 9:56pm on September 14 she came into this world with hardly two pushes. "Look out world, I'm HERE!" is what I felt like her newborn self declared. From that minute, our Reese Elisabeth-Morgan has been nothing short of fearless, feisty, fabulous and NOW, she's four! 

Today for the most part, was pretty magical. I took the day off work to celebrate her birthday and we were so excited to spend a whole day together. Asa bought cupcakes for she and I to take to her preschool to celebrate snack time with her friends. We got there a little early so I was blessed to make it to some Chapel time. Reese sat on my lap and we listened to the story of Baby Moses and the kids recited Bible verses and the Lord's Prayer. It reminded me so much of my own Christian school elementary days, and I truly felt so blessed to be a small part of that part in their day. She sat with her friends at their table, everyone enjoyed seconds, and she colored some before we left to go back home. Once we were there, I surprised her by telling her I had made her a nail salon appointment; she has gotten her nails done once before with me and she absolutely LOVED it. My sweet friend Jess at Dollface Beauty and Brows booked me a slot with her co-worker Amy, who now runs the Glossry inside the shop; an adorable mani/pedi setup! 

Beforehand, we got ourselves some hot chocolate and a hot caramel apple cider, thanks, Please and Thank you! And Reese was feeling all sorts of spoiled, as she should! I had so much fun chatting with her in the booth; we talked about what a great morning it had already been and what she wanted to do next (which was go look around different shops nearby). 

At the salon, Reese sat perfectly still and picked out a shade of pink and a second bottle of all pink glitter. Amy was so sweet and patient, listening as Reese chatted her ear off. The other ladies who came in and out of the shop complimented Reese for her beautiful curls and for how good she was being. 

And I think that's where I just want to mention that it's been a little hard for me to write this post tonight. Wait, what? Ashley, what are you doing? Okay hold on. Do any of you have a 3-year old? Or at one point HAD a 3-year old? No, Reese isn't three anymore; but technically all day today until 9:56pm she still was, right? The past year has just been really hard on me emotionally and mentally--not constantly, but her moods would come in waves, and sometimes Reese has been sweet as pie and others, she's cutting straight to your heart with words and statements you can't believe just left her mouth. Tonight for instance, after everything we did together and the money spent ON her, she looked at me and said, "I don't like you." Shortly after that, I told her that she couldn't open another birthday present in THAT moment, and she said, "You're mean." 

Didn't I just spend literally ALL day with my daughter? Spoiling her and helping her feel beautiful and loved and celebrated? I know that you're not supposed to take the words of a toddler or ANY child to heart. But sometimes that's just not possible! It felt like a slap in the face. Like everything I had just done didn't matter. That maybe, just maybe, my daughter DIDN'T like me. 

Anyway, I won't continue a giant sob fest here on the blog, and the truth is, I'm fine. The end of her fourth birthday didn't go as I had planned, there were way more tears than I ever want to remember (so why am I writing it down?!!?), and overall, my mom heart is kind of aching at the fact that my kids ARE getting bigger--they're getting older, they're turning MORE human, and I know with that, comes lots of hurtful words, calloused phrases, and tons of opportunities for growth and redemption on ALL our parts. But I also know that she DOES love me. There's really no one else that she prefers (she loves you too, dear husband, but we all know this has been the last several years!) She isn't trying to be purposefully hurtful, at least I don't think? And I know she too, is just learning what's right and wrong.

I promise we really did have a GREAT day, and the weather temperature wise was just right... before the coffee shop and nails, Reese let me take some portraits of her in a tree covered space near our house. We talked about the colorful leaves, looked at different bugs, and she made me laugh, a lot. 

And we also explored some shops downtown Louisville this afternoon, admiring things we couldn't afford and sending me into panic at several moments at the thought of her dropping something expensive (ahem, everything we saw!) It was fun to hold hands and just giggle together, and I had some sentimental visions of our probable future together. My girl loves shopping, but I think more than anything else, she loves quality time. 

Reese Elisabeth-Morgan, I do love you. And no matter what you say over the years, I promise to forever be your very best friend. You are brave, passionate, independent, and you have already in four short years, taught me SO much. While it hurts a bit to watch you and your big brother grow so quickly...please know that I will always be here. I'll always be your shoulder, your hug, your belly tickle, your lullabye, your prayer warrior, your friend, and your mom. Thank you for being you, I am so excited (and slightly terrified) to see where four leads you! 

xox
-Your Mama