Mid Year, Mid Life, Mid 30's?!

That number feels super weird coming out of my mouth. 35. Thirty-FIVE? Officially MID thirties now, right!? Everyone said that ’30’s is awesome,’ buuuut is it….? Let’s see. Maybe reflecting on this phenomona will help me realize it….

I got my first HORSE when I turned 30. Dream come true. 

I lost my dream job I never knew was my dream job (voluntarily, that still counts.) Boo. 

I got diagnosed with MS. Weird. Tough. Kinda shocking.

I got to meet pregnant teens and mamas and establish meaningful and longterm relationships with several of them. What a cool opportunity!! 

We have fallen in love with our church, Northeast Christian, and are meeting new friends. 

I ran my self-made mini marathon in my 30’s all by myself, that was cool. 

I lived through a pandemic in my 30’s. Weird. Sad. Thankful for healthcare.

I started intentional and semi intense therapy for myself, and my marriage, in my 30’s. That’s been eye opening. 

My son got accepted into the best middle school in the district, state really, and I teach there for part of my work day. Pretty darn neat. 

I had some really fun and cool partnerships these past few years, and have done well photography speaking. That’s awesome. 

Had my first spinal tap, suffered immensely from the post lumbar migraine, and I NEVER want to live through that again..

Got a new tattoo on my bday last year, definitely want another. 

Kinda weird, but 35 means a whole new age demographic. I’ve surpassed 25-34 and now I’m in the 35-44 range! It feels weird to tell my students that I’m 35 or that I just had my 35th birthday, in which most say, “You don’t look that old!!” THAT old. 

But you know what? I feel like these days and with SOME things, I’m thinking more clearly. Like I can say, “look, this is me being transparent and honest and this is me.” Facing a brand new medical diagnosis was a huuuuge eye opener for me, and it was also one that showed me the greatness of God. Could I be mad and upset that I HAVE this disease? Sure! But instead I see how vastly He is has worked in my favor. Every time I lift weight and run and ride my horses, I thank Him. So this birthday I have decided that that’s statement I feel for myself regarding turning ‘another year older…’ grateful. Grateful for another year. For my health. For the Lord doing ginormous things in my sometimes mundane life. I am grateful for my family and my friends who surround and love me. There will always be another birthday to freak out about or become weirdly reflective during—but each year I HOPE I can always see how far I’ve come and that I’ll be GRATEFUL for all the steps it took to get there.

Only a Decade

A post I recently shared on Instagram said this:

“Who else’s son (or daughter) can barely fit on your mama lap anymore...? It keeps dawning on me we have a decade until this kid turns eighteen. Doesn’t a decade seem SO short when you think of it regards to our kids growing up?! Anyway, Pierson is going on an adventure with his dad today and I’m just holding on to his sweet self as long as I can. They are going on a fishing trip with a professional fisherman, staying in a cabin, and I just know they are going to create the best summer dad and son memory together. * Hang tight to your babes, friends. Soon their feet will dangle off your lap and holding them won’t be as easy!* ❤️”

Lots of other mamas shared their hearts with me there; all agreeing the years have gone much too fast. Our Pierson Clive turned 8 on June 15 and I am still in disbelief. I’ll never forget laboring with him, bringing him home from the hospital, and the precious newborn moments we had. Eight years of this boy…EIGHT! On his birthday I turned to my husband and said, “We only have a decade left until he’s an adult….”

Yeah, yeah I know…18 is very much still a teenager in many ways, but you know it’s that weird mix: teen + adult + brand new person ready to take on life full speed. I mean heck, when I look back at my OWN years, I was married at the age of 20! Two years past 18?!

I wonder where he will want to go to college..I wonder what he will want to be..I wonder what he will accomplish..I wonder what he will fail at..I wonder if he’ll still need me.

I’m sure you’ve had those thoughts too. I say it all the time and I’m not the one who came up with this phrase: “The days may be long but the years are short.” Only a decade, P Man…you’re growing so fast.

You are a brave and kind soul, Kiddo. Right now you are OBSESSED with ‘creatures,’ big and small, the creepier and crawlier the better. Recently you brought me a LIVE spider IN TO MY KITCHEN, and I quickly applauded you and asked you kindly to take him back OUT. You are my frog catcher, fishing lover, sweet, sweet son. In a couple of months, you start third grade, and I just can’t believe it. The end of your second grade year was pretty robbed by a pandemic, but you took it in stride and did amazing, as we knew you would. We are proud of you, cheer for you, and daily ask the Lord to keep you close to Him. Sure eight looks great on you, but my mama heart will always be a little sad that you are getting SO big. I wonder where the baby boy who fit so perfectly on my lap went…and then I look at you, and you’re right here. Growing, changing, maturing, laughing, loving, learning, and I love each and every single stage with you.

Quarantined and Turning 32

All I hear is the sound of rain falling into the nearby creek. Oh, and Emma’s occasional snore as she switches positions on the hardwood floor. Why did I ever question coming here?

Quarantined in a cabin, and tomorrow when I post this, 32 will have woken me.

I could sit here and write the same thing that I have for the last decade, “Where did the time go? How did it all go SO fast?” but instead I will spare you of that. Time went because that’s what time does. It passes. Three hundred and sixty five days, year after year, and it doesn’t stop, until it does.

There are no street lights here. There are no cars, no construction, no people even within our view. We can’t see the stars because it has been so cloudy, rainy, and dark. Yet it is so beautiful. So quiet. So peaceful. So needed.

The world currently is experiencing things that I have never witnessed or been a part of. It is essentially, in many ways, shutting down, in ways that even my parents have never seen. What all of us are going through is textbook worthy—someday. People will write about this, our children will remember this, and we will probably be left wondering: how did I handle that?

Pandemics.

I don’t believe there is any way to predict them. And with this one, sickness does not discriminate…it does not pick and choose, it just barges in without notice, without permission, to whoever unfortunately is in its’ way. It does not care about your religion, your ethnicity, your stance on world issues, and by God it does not care what political party you represent. It just is and it just DOES.

So what are we doing? What am I doing? I’m here. In a cabin. In the woods. With my husband and our children, six and seven years old, and our one year old Golden, Emma.

It is an awfully strange time to be celebrating turning another year older, but just like I can’t control the Pandemic, I also can’t control aging. This year feels different. Not because I can’t celebrate with anyone besides my family or because I can’t go out to eat at my favorite restaurant—no…it feels different because this year FINALLY feels like the year I may have a lot more figured out than I ever have in any birthday prior.

I used to care SO drastically about SO MUCH. It’s not that I don’t anymore, it’s just that my priorities are shifting. I don’t have the energy or the time to sit and wonder and mope about failures. Wait. I don’t even want to say that. Were the things in my life that ended up being disappointments ‘FAILURES?’ I think I am realizing that the things in my past that have hurt me and that I thought at the time would wreck me tremendously…are actually things that stretched me into ME. I had a friend once who I absolutely adored. I think though if I am being honest, I had her on a very high pedestal. I wanted her approval, and for her to think that I was beautiful and wonderful and that she would look to me in the way that I looked to her; and what that ended up doing was push us apart. I had SO many damn expectations that should have never existed. I mourned the loss of that friendship, I grew bitter roots and had to tear them down time and time an time again. And then you know what happened? One day I woke and said out loud, “Dang I miss ____. I’m going to text her.” I literally felt the sun shine deep into my heart that day. Like the universe smiled and said, “Ashley, those things don’t matter anymore. Just tell her hello.”

It’s been the little things like that, especially over the last year, that have changed me. The past few months I wondered how in the world 32 would be ANY different than 31. I was scared I would dread it, want to ignore it, poo poo it, let it pass me by. Birthdays are weird for me, in my adult life they always have been. And then this dang Pandemic happened and my family and I were literally forced to STOP doing our ‘normal’ lifestyle, to stop physically socializing and STOP going IN to work every single day, and we were forced to just BE. It has made me think a WHOLE lot more and within that, check in on people I have maybe neglected to for too long… it’s made me see what MATTERS.

This is what matters.
My people. My dog. My family. My friends.
Letting go of bitterness, old regrets, shame, sadness, worries, and failures.
In the past I felt so sad about not having that ONE friend who you just did every single with: chick flicks, walks, Target runs, coffee dates, and whatever else comes with having a BFF. And then it dawned on me. Why would I crave anything else when what I DO have is literally right in front of me?

A husband that literally takes a riding lesson on your horse to prove to you that he loves you and wants to someday ride with you. Who binge watches ALL the shows, makes ALL the snacks, is the best shoulder to laugh OR cry on, who does all the Target runs, WOULD do all the chick flicks if I asked, and who loves me SO incredibly and tremendously well.

And it’s not like I don’t have friends outside of him. I’m just no longer incredibly STRESSED by the fact that they may ebb and flow and drift and wander and that all of that, is perfectly normal. By all means I don’t have it all figured out, Y’all. I’m still at heart, a natural feeler. ‘Big feelings’ is what I like to call my emotions. I still worry and do the what if game. I wonder what five years from now looks like. Control, success, BIG dreams are still very much things that I am drawn to. But my prayer is that this year, I can continue to knock down the things and hurts of the past so that even MORE sunshine pours in. Instead of dreading 32 or wishing that this was year 22…I really and truly am going to try my hardest to embrace it.

Here’s to another birthday. Another year around the sun. Another chance to be great, to work hard and to LOVE WELL.

* If there’s one thing I can suggest to you as you finish reading this? Go find a cabin. The one we are in has been absolutely wonderful. There’s a hot tub, a pond nearby, lots of trails, a cozy, cozy living space, and all the quiet in the world. Being in Kentucky, we are still practicing our social distancing by coming here, and what a needed retreat it has been. PS: you can even get 15% off from now until May 1st with the code GLASS15 so especially if you are a fellow, Kentuckian, I say do it!*

So You Turned Thirty, What's the Big Deal?

Is turning thirty a big deal? Well, I don't know. A week or so before my thirtieth birthday I texted my mom VERY late at night. 

"Mom?" I said. "I think I'm freaking out about turning thirty."  

"Why?" she said. "It's just a number." 

There was more to it than that--she told me she loved thirty because that's the year she had ME (well ahem, of COURSE! haha!!) But I don't know, guys? Turning thirty just feels weird! 

Leading up to my thirtieth birthday I posted a photo on Instagram that asked my friends who were in their 30's (or older) to comment what their favorite part of this decade has been and I wanted to share some of the responses: 

• * I believe you will really begin to hone your craft. It’s the time to DO. 30’s are great.

• *You will love this decade! You will finally give yourself permission to love yourself as you are. You stop trying so hard and feeling so anxious about everything not being good enough... and then suddenly it IS good enough!

• *I love my confidence in my 30’s and also, the no BS. No time for that :)

I LOVED reading these and I believe every one of them to be true and things that I am looking forward to about this decade. Birthdays are a time of a lot of reflection for me (are they for you too?) so lately I've had a lot on my mind.

For instance, when I was recently in one of my riding lessons I had the strangest feeling. I had this memory of being TINY, [age, not size since not much as changed there height wise.....] leading this big giant lesson horse to the arena and over to the mounting block. I remember the very first lessons, the first jumps I took, the way that it felt to canter around a ring. And in many regards, nothing has changed, except for a number. But what feels so surreal is that those memories were decades and decades ago. Somehow, that ten-year-old girl is now thirty, and life just keeps flying by.

Do you know what I LOVE about turning thirty though? If you keep up with on Instagram or social media, you've totally seen that God granted me my biggest wish, my largest and most daring dream--my very own horse. He said, "Ashley, you doubted, and you doubted BIG. But I am going to give you a horse anyway. You are going to love him, learn from him, and get to ride him. His name is Paddy." A week before my birthday, Kathryn from the Horse Rescue in Nashville called me with the most exciting news: the horse I had met a couple weeks prior was still up for adoption, and she was offering him to ME.  

So while I feel kind of weird about the fact I'm wearing more wrinkles these days than ever, I'm also super excited to see what else my Creator has in store for me in this coming decade. My twentieth year brought me my husband, it was literally when I said, "I do." And my thirtieth brought me a horse. Asa (my husband) and I were talking recently and he said, "You have to promise to love me more than you love Paddy." While he was joking, I know there was a little bit of seriousness in what he said. I wasn't the girl who prayed for a husband or kids; I didn't actually really plan or dream about any of that. But my entire childhood consisted of me scheming for a horse--I was the weirdo who led a giant tricycle around the backyard with a dog leash tied to it, pretending it was a horse. I wanted my mom to see it and for that to be proof that I could duh, ACTUALLY take care of a 2000 pound animal. Are you shocked that DIDN'T work?? Yeah, me too. 

You know that I am so thankful Jesus gave me my husband. He is literally the glue that keeps my heart and soul together. And the fact that He also gave me two beautiful and healthy children? Pierson and Reese are my greatest and sweetest life accomplishments. But now I am also looking forward to *hopefully* growing old with Paddy; learning how he ticks, what he needs, and the two of us figuring each other out. I can't believe that I finally have my OWN horse that I can drive or walk to, to throw my arms around on a good or bad day, to kiss his nose and lay across his back. I'm looking forward to throwing a blanket in the pasture and reading a book beside him while he grazes. I can't wait to walk him and feed him and confide in him. And I ultimately cannot wait to bring along my family WITH me on this journey. When I look at Pierson and Reese, four and five years old, sometimes I want to laugh with delight that they are getting a horse in their lives at SUCH a young age! WHAT would childhood Ashley have done if that was me?! Oh my goodness, Y'all. Life is funny. Fleeting, beautiful, and funny. 

I don't think thirty has to be scary, and I don't think that is the word I would use to describe how I was feeling leading up to this year. It just feels surreal that the twenties are OVER--poof! They've disappeared, vanished, are gone.

Going back to what friends commented on the photo I posted, I pray that this IS the decade that I will hone in on my nitch, my craft, my passions. Also that my confidence will increase and that I will really and truly leave all the BS for what it is: BS. I hope that this is the year (decade) of lessened anxiety; of loving and accepting myself for WHO I am, and what I am. For crying out loud, I want to say to myself--ALL of your dreams have come true, what now?? 

{Full disclosure: I am a constant dreamer so I believe there will always be dreams on top of dreams on top of dreams...for instance, how I am praying that we can buy land and build a house there someday sooner than later, so that I can have my horse (and more!) ON our property!! However, I won't get too carried away and I'll admit that my biggest current dream has been checked off the list.} 

Here's my final thoughts leaving the twenties: "Something doesn’t have to be bad to be over. But maybe that season has given you everything it has to offer; it shaped and developed you, it stretched and inspired you. You’ve deeply incorporated its lasting values, and this place has been true to you and of you. Even then, you STILL have full permission to move forward or move on to something new, different, surprising, or risky." (Jen Hatmaker) 

Cheers to thirty, Y'all! If you have any fun thirty stories, feel free to share them in the comments below!