A Mom Meltdown and Pandemic Blues

It has been 251 days.

We walked out of our classrooms on March 13, having zero clue what to expect, what was REALLY happening, and what the future would look like.

First, I want to admit to you that I feel guilty even trying to write this post. I have a tendency to be way too hard on myself (shocker!!) and sometimes I instill shame or guilt for absolutely zero reason. I also often tread lightly, tiptoeing around certain subjects because let’s face it; there are a LOT of you who may read my work and you may disagree heavily. At the end of the day, that’s not why I do what I do; to please everyone—so clearly I am giving myself this mini pep talk before I move on. But let’s move on.

Tonight I freaked out. Not like, ALL the way freaked out? But I definitely freaked out.

Our kids fight, A LOT. This may sound dramatic, but both Asa and I feel like they bicker and pick and tattle and bicker some more…ALL DAY LONG. It’s exhausting. It wears me down. It deflates both of us, a lot. MOST of the time, I’m able to shrug it off. To remind myself that they are kids, they are seven and eight years old, and that “this too shall pass.” But tonight? Tonight was different. It’s been a long week, Guys. Yeah, it’s been a long YEAR, but let me focus a little smaller for now. Asa and I both teach from home, and our kids have been learning virtually as well. For 251 days we have been together, around the clock, more than we ever have before. There hasn’t been a seven hour break in our day where Asa goes to work at his school, the kids go to actual classrooms, and I am at my school. Truthfully?? And you might hate me for this?? Quarantine has generally speaking, been a blessing for us. Asa and I’s marriage has been STRONGER, we’ve fought less, and throughout the summer especially, we were in a GROOVE that I can’t explain. Life almost felt ‘normal,’ as we were able to be outside a ton, hike, a lot, and we spent a ton of time with the local siblings and family. It felt GOOD.

Today I taught from home, went for a run, exercised one of my horses, took photos for a family, came home, and instead of being able to ‘aaahhh,’ sigh a big sigh of relief because home is always wonderful right??…..I lost it. Pierson can’t stand when Reese whistles. Sadly, he learned that from me I think because I despise whistling, and he’s a lot like me sometimes. I can only take SO much of it, but I do TRY to let it go. The girl should be allowed to be happy and LIVE. Asa had worked hard on dinner and we were sitting down to watch a new Netflix movie as a family; mind you, in the glow of the Christmas tree and twinkly lights and our sweet wonderful Golden Retrievers (aka completely magical setting right?!?) The kids finished their dinner, we told them we would make them popcorn and they could have some Halloween candy. (Can you see how blessed/spoiled they are??) As they’re going up the stairs to get their bags, I hear fighting, whining, and this, “REESE! STOP WHISTLING!!” he didn’t say it once though…he said it numerous times and it was the icing on the cake after the longest week ever…A ton of bricks felt as if they dumped right out onto my chest. I’m not exaggerating when I say I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My chest hurt. I was overcome with such anger; I stormed to the bottom of the stairs, screamed at my kids (mostly him), kicked the floor, sped-walked to our bedroom, slammed the door, and sat in our closet in the pitch black burying my head in my hands.

WHY!?

Well first, thank God for Asa. He came in gently, reminded me that that’s really NOT the precedent we want to set for our kids, and told me to just breathe. Our orange wonder cat Alfie came to the closet to find me, sat in my lap and I practiced some big, DEEP breaths. After a few minutes, I came back out to the living room, tears in my eyes, and Asa was there, graciously parenting the kids. I grabbed my Peace & Calming essential oil, rubbed some in my hands and took deep breaths AGAIN. I apologized to the kids for losing my temper (I promise this is not a NORMAL occurrence for me.) I can get mad and angry and annoyed but tonight I will wholeheartedly admit I went over the edge.

Here’s where my heart is currently. This week has been HARD. Every year we host Thanksgiving with the local family. Every year, Asa looks forward to making our home beautiful and warm and cozy and filled with nothing but the BEST homemade food. The kids play and there is laughter and screaming and complete beautiful chaos. (Let’s face it, I basically hate noise, so it’s taken me some time to get to the point where I ENJOY their happy screams?? But after 12 years of holidays together, I promise I do now enjoy it.) We were planning to host this coming Saturday, with the same people we always have; and with the same people we have spent all of quarantine basically with. Our bubble has been small, we always ALL wear masks when going out in any form of public, we wash our hands and don’t put them in our mouth…I mean you name it, we are doing ALL the ‘right’ things…..so I didn’t really think twice about spending the holiday together!

And then gosh…our governor did his daily 4pm broadcast and he informed Kentucky that he is highly recommending that gatherings be limited to eight people, and a maximum of two households. He said this:

“Since March 6 – the day Kentucky had its first confirmed case – we have been under attack and at war with the coronavirus. It has upended our routines, damaged our economy, threatened our children’s education and taken far too many lives,” Gov. Beshear said. “Now, it is time for Kentucky’s third counterattack on the coronavirus. Let me be clear about a few things. This is not, and will not be, a shutdown. Our economy is open, and there will be no closings based on essential or nonessential services. But today we are announcing significant, but surgical and targeted steps designed to slow the spread of the virus and protect our people.”

That night, everyone decided that cancelling this year’s Kentucky Thanksgiving was the right thing to do, as much as it hurts to say and process that. My heart sunk for Asa…it sunk for my sweet niece who turns 13 on November 24 and who cannot have a party to celebrate…it sunk for our city and our people, period. Our kids MISS school. We miss seeing our co-workers and having that normalcy and routine in our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I have LOVED working from home in my sweatpants and fuzzy socks most days…but 251 days is a lot. And I KNOW we could have it worse. I KNOW our situation could be horrendous. I am THANKFUL that we have had our careers during this time and that we haven’t worried about unemployment or how the shut downs necessarily affect or don’t affect us. But my heart is still TIRED.

Pandemic fatigue is a REAL THING. Heavy hearts is a real thing. It’s okay to be and feel blessed, and to also be WORN OUT. I shared in my Instagram stories yesterday some of this (minus the breakdown part because I hadn’t HAD it yet… bless….) and I had some really sweet feedback. It was obvious I’m not the only feeling this way. I’ve also muted a LOT of Instagram accounts and hid things from my Facebook wall. I’ve realized now probably more than ever, my heart needs boundaries and it needs to be protected. Some people will post graphics and memes and such HARSH opinions ALL throughout their platforms and Y’all, it brings me DOWN. Thank God for the mute button. I still love my friends and it’s okay to follow people with different opinions and views (how lame would it be if we all THOUGHT the same exact way on every single issue and topic?!?) but I can’t do all the hate and bashing and one sided opinions.

So there ya have it, friends! That’s where I’M at. How are YOU?? How have your plans this holiday season changed (or not changed?) If you need someone to share frustrations or camaraderie with, always know you can email me. We can sit in it together. And Mamas? If you’re one who has freaked out recently (or ever), just know you ALSO are not alone. Or the worst mom ever.

PS: Please just be a good neighbor. Whether that’s wearing a mask, social distancing, waving from across the street or through a window…just BE a good neighbor. We are all in this together. Less fighting, less shaming, less preaching, more loving. Please.

Rock Island State Park and the Most Magnificent Waterfall

Safe at Home has been the famous phrase we’ve heard for months, right? But for us it’s been more like, ‘safe at home AND in nature…’ When Asa first told me though that he had booked a campsite in Rock Island, TN, I’ll admit I was not super excited about the three hour drive there. But I WAS excited for some family time, and that my big brother and his wife were even able to join us. I have never camped with my brother before this and it meant so much to have him there! But anyway, back to the camp site. When we arrived, there was a torrential downpour. My sister in law Jana is the most badass woman I’ve literally ever met, and she and her three kids were practically done setting up their tent and site when we arrived. Soon, all of us were together, (my brother and his wife came later, after dark, and they had to set up their tent with minimal light but hey, it got done!) At first I was super grumpy about the sloppy grounds, dirty feet and the fact that my white English Cream Golden was filthy within minutes of our arrival… but I pretty soon got over it. The kids were having a blast, we all brought our dogs and Emma was in literal dog and camping Heaven, and it felt so good to just BE together. (Quarantine STINKS!!!!)

Some may tease me, but I have ZERO shame in always getting a site with electricity. I also have zero shame that we have the worlds largest tent and that my husband who is six foot four can stand UP in said tent. We sleep best with a fan, so we always bring one. All of that means I am way LESS ornery when I am woken up at five a.m. to the sound of birds and the blinding sunlight pouring through, because I sleep WELL, and we are never crowded.

Asa brings the best food camping (he brings and makes the best food in general….) but I really love our mornings on these trips. Did I mention we also bring an electric coffee maker because hello, it’s faster, and it brews a very large pot?! Those cups of coffee spent with family around a fire are so dang special.

Now on to some more fun stuff… Rock Island has a bunch of trails, most are pretty short. The longest trail (on the map) is 2.65 miles, most are even shorter. You can grab a trail map, water guide, and other important info from the welcome center near the camp grounds. VERY close to the campsite is the Historic Cotton Mill, and Old Mill Gorge Trail. Unfortunately when we were there, the trails were closed to do extreme flooding. However, there is a stunning lookout at the parking lot/trailhead that allows for gorgeous views into the gorge! From there, if you look into the distance, opposite side of Center Hill Lake, you should be able to see one of the swimming areas. The trail there is short, if it’s open, and will take you down into the gorge, and to one of the swimming locations.

There’s a trailhead called ‘Down Stream’ and that is where you will find Twin Falls, and perhaps THE most breathtaking waterfall you’ve ever seen—at least that we’ve ever seen :) We climbed our way onto the rocky bank and made it to the water to truly appreciate the beauty of the magnificent falls.

From Twin Falls, follow the trail upstream until you get to a staircase. These will take you to the Upstream Trailhead and the road you originally drove in on. Upstream is the trail that leads to where we spent MOST of our time swimming. The climb down into the gorge is doable for small kids, (we even met an older gentleman on a cane who made the climb down), but I would NOT recommend a stroller or wagon. The water was cold but very refreshing. Swimming above water falls and down in a gorge was both scary and magical—absolutely an adventure worth having!!

Hiking was so much fun, but as always, please use caution and good judgement when exploring the gorge, especially along the water. The current was quite strong and I am very grateful for LOTS of hands and adults to help watch and monitor our kids and all the kids. Emma had a BLAST swimming, but ultimately she wore herself out pretty significantly and I kinda wish I hadn’t let her swim as much as I did… but we lived and learned and really, this trip was magnificent. We did NOT swim at Twin Falls, and there were plenty of signs reminding us and cautioning us that lives have been lost there. Be safe, use your head, go with people, have fun and remember how big and vast our Creator is!! PS: the country side and drives there were one of my favorite parts…I even had to get out and photograph some adorable cows. There were rolling hills for days and my heart was so full as I took it all in.

And here is a video of the most magnificent waterfall video taken by my brother Sean Rogers, isn’t it beautiful?!

Quarantined and Turning 32

All I hear is the sound of rain falling into the nearby creek. Oh, and Emma’s occasional snore as she switches positions on the hardwood floor. Why did I ever question coming here?

Quarantined in a cabin, and tomorrow when I post this, 32 will have woken me.

I could sit here and write the same thing that I have for the last decade, “Where did the time go? How did it all go SO fast?” but instead I will spare you of that. Time went because that’s what time does. It passes. Three hundred and sixty five days, year after year, and it doesn’t stop, until it does.

There are no street lights here. There are no cars, no construction, no people even within our view. We can’t see the stars because it has been so cloudy, rainy, and dark. Yet it is so beautiful. So quiet. So peaceful. So needed.

The world currently is experiencing things that I have never witnessed or been a part of. It is essentially, in many ways, shutting down, in ways that even my parents have never seen. What all of us are going through is textbook worthy—someday. People will write about this, our children will remember this, and we will probably be left wondering: how did I handle that?

Pandemics.

I don’t believe there is any way to predict them. And with this one, sickness does not discriminate…it does not pick and choose, it just barges in without notice, without permission, to whoever unfortunately is in its’ way. It does not care about your religion, your ethnicity, your stance on world issues, and by God it does not care what political party you represent. It just is and it just DOES.

So what are we doing? What am I doing? I’m here. In a cabin. In the woods. With my husband and our children, six and seven years old, and our one year old Golden, Emma.

It is an awfully strange time to be celebrating turning another year older, but just like I can’t control the Pandemic, I also can’t control aging. This year feels different. Not because I can’t celebrate with anyone besides my family or because I can’t go out to eat at my favorite restaurant—no…it feels different because this year FINALLY feels like the year I may have a lot more figured out than I ever have in any birthday prior.

I used to care SO drastically about SO MUCH. It’s not that I don’t anymore, it’s just that my priorities are shifting. I don’t have the energy or the time to sit and wonder and mope about failures. Wait. I don’t even want to say that. Were the things in my life that ended up being disappointments ‘FAILURES?’ I think I am realizing that the things in my past that have hurt me and that I thought at the time would wreck me tremendously…are actually things that stretched me into ME. I had a friend once who I absolutely adored. I think though if I am being honest, I had her on a very high pedestal. I wanted her approval, and for her to think that I was beautiful and wonderful and that she would look to me in the way that I looked to her; and what that ended up doing was push us apart. I had SO many damn expectations that should have never existed. I mourned the loss of that friendship, I grew bitter roots and had to tear them down time and time an time again. And then you know what happened? One day I woke and said out loud, “Dang I miss ____. I’m going to text her.” I literally felt the sun shine deep into my heart that day. Like the universe smiled and said, “Ashley, those things don’t matter anymore. Just tell her hello.”

It’s been the little things like that, especially over the last year, that have changed me. The past few months I wondered how in the world 32 would be ANY different than 31. I was scared I would dread it, want to ignore it, poo poo it, let it pass me by. Birthdays are weird for me, in my adult life they always have been. And then this dang Pandemic happened and my family and I were literally forced to STOP doing our ‘normal’ lifestyle, to stop physically socializing and STOP going IN to work every single day, and we were forced to just BE. It has made me think a WHOLE lot more and within that, check in on people I have maybe neglected to for too long… it’s made me see what MATTERS.

This is what matters.
My people. My dog. My family. My friends.
Letting go of bitterness, old regrets, shame, sadness, worries, and failures.
In the past I felt so sad about not having that ONE friend who you just did every single with: chick flicks, walks, Target runs, coffee dates, and whatever else comes with having a BFF. And then it dawned on me. Why would I crave anything else when what I DO have is literally right in front of me?

A husband that literally takes a riding lesson on your horse to prove to you that he loves you and wants to someday ride with you. Who binge watches ALL the shows, makes ALL the snacks, is the best shoulder to laugh OR cry on, who does all the Target runs, WOULD do all the chick flicks if I asked, and who loves me SO incredibly and tremendously well.

And it’s not like I don’t have friends outside of him. I’m just no longer incredibly STRESSED by the fact that they may ebb and flow and drift and wander and that all of that, is perfectly normal. By all means I don’t have it all figured out, Y’all. I’m still at heart, a natural feeler. ‘Big feelings’ is what I like to call my emotions. I still worry and do the what if game. I wonder what five years from now looks like. Control, success, BIG dreams are still very much things that I am drawn to. But my prayer is that this year, I can continue to knock down the things and hurts of the past so that even MORE sunshine pours in. Instead of dreading 32 or wishing that this was year 22…I really and truly am going to try my hardest to embrace it.

Here’s to another birthday. Another year around the sun. Another chance to be great, to work hard and to LOVE WELL.

* If there’s one thing I can suggest to you as you finish reading this? Go find a cabin. The one we are in has been absolutely wonderful. There’s a hot tub, a pond nearby, lots of trails, a cozy, cozy living space, and all the quiet in the world. Being in Kentucky, we are still practicing our social distancing by coming here, and what a needed retreat it has been. PS: you can even get 15% off from now until May 1st with the code GLASS15 so especially if you are a fellow, Kentuckian, I say do it!*

How to Make your Own Play Dough + Add Essential Oils

We’re all in this together. Stuck at home. Unsure of what’s going on in the world. Trying to avoid spreading germs and keeping those at risk around us SAFE. So with that comes a LOT of time. Our kids are in first and second grade and they love school. Their teachers are phenomenal, and daily they were being challenged to excel and shine in their every day lessons. We know that while we may not be first and second grade specific teachers, that our kids are blessed to have TWO teacher parents, who are able to be hands on and attentive during this time at home. We do not take this lightly, nor do we take it for granted. Prayerfully, nor do they…

Today after their math and reading lessons we wanted to do a fun science activity. We have been talking a lot about using resources that we already have on hand at home, so when they recently realized that their own store bought Play-doh was pretty dried up, we were inspired to make our own. The kids were so intrigued and Y’all, this was SO easy!

Here is what you would need:

• 1 cup of water

• 1 tablespoon of coconut oil (or I have read that vegetable or olive works)

• 2 teaspoons cream of tartar

• 1/2 cup of salt

• 1 cup of flour

• food coloring of choice + essential oils

You will mix everything together in a sauce pan on the stove over low/medium heat. For us it took less than two minutes to have it all stirred in and at that dough like consistency. We let it cool, then brought to the table to let the kids get started!

I saw this recipe from my friend Casey on Instagram, she is the QUEEN of DIY with her adorable girls and she is such a fun and totally real mama. (Check out her blog HERE!) Using Essential Oils to add to the homemade play-dough made this activity even more enjoyable for us as a family. We are treading through uncharted territories with this COVID-19 and stress levels can get quite high. Essential Oils in general tend to help support our emotions and today they definitely boosted our spirits AND made our house so delicious smelling. We used lemon, lavender, peppermint, and last minute I grabbed the ylang ylang to add to our pink play-dough.

Did you know that all of those oils have a huge variety of benefits when we use them!?
Lemon: refreshing, energizing, uplifting AND has anti-fungal properties
Lavender: also has anti-fungal and microbial properties, is calming, and uplifting
Peppermint: energizes, disinfects, largely energizing, and is a great oil to boost spirits
Ylang Ylang: “flower of flowers,” this one is a big mood enhancer and stress reducer and it smells heavenly!

We added about 5-10 drops of the chosen essential oil to each mound of play-doh, and overall, this activity was a WIN. The kids thanked us several times throughout the day for making it with them, they played with it super often, and the density and texture of the play-dough was spot on. Even if you don’t have kids, I still recommend making this. What a great sensory activity for you to do AT HOME, while you have a LOT of time on your hands. If you are local reading this and don’t have oils but would like to try them? E-mail or text me and I’m happy to gift you some samples. We can even practice our social distancing skills and I can leave them on the porch or in the mailbox for you ;) Seriously though. Need oils? Holler at your girl. And if you try this recipe, will you please tag me in any Instagram or Facebook posts/stories you may do!? Find me at Instagram here!

Praying for all of you, sincerely! Thanks for reading and browsing through these photos. As always, hit reply or contact me through this page.