Your Past Could Save Someone's Future

Immediately following sharing my own personal story at our church service recently, I was browsing Pinterest and saw this quote:

“Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past, so it doesn’t become their future.” -John Acuff

WHOA, I thought. That’s DEEP.

I am hoping to share here soon what I talked about to our church, but I am still praying about the right timing. Nonetheless, prior to me getting on stage with my husband, I was pretty nervous that there would be no way I would have the words to say in front of a BUNCH of people sitting silently, especially because the lights at our church are SUPER bright and it feels like a total spotlight. Asa and I prayed beforehand that it would be the Lord’s words, not our own, that came to surface. Needless to say I was completely in awe that I did just fine. I was a little nervous? But not too bad deep down. I didn’t stutter, choke, or even tear up; the words just flowed. After it ended, a gal holding her baby approached me with tears in her eyes. “Thank you,” she said. “I can’t say more than thank you because I’ll just cry harder. So thank you.” I got her name and told her to please find me and talk with me if she felt she could. Then a few more women hugged me and encouraged me. One said, “I felt this was your first time sharing your story but I need to tell you that it shouldn’t be your last.”

So the thing is, with that quote above, we all have a story. Yours might not be that you had an affair, or were an alcoholic, or that you’re addicted to porn. But it’s still important! When a friend told me that she was currently dealing with what I did in my past, I almost started to cry.

“RUN!!!!!” is what I wanted to yell. But we were actually IN church when she told me and well, that would have been weird. If there is ANY way at all that I can spare another woman going through what I did; what I put my FAMILY through, oh friends I would. Do you have something that you wish could help someone be free? It took five years for me to fully heal. To feel okay with friends and family knowing some of my dirty laundry. The fact I was able to share openly in a congregation is 1000% because of the Lord and His healing. You might be thinking, “Ashley, I am not sharing my baggage, in a CHURCH…” But you don’t have to. I am just asking you to be open—if you have a friend or even acquaintance who you think NEEDS to hear your story? Be open to it.

And if you’re NOT there yet, trust the wait. Never in a thousand years did I think I would share the way that I have. Asa’s MOM, his sister, and his brother’s wife all sat in the front row. Stories are hard. Pain, suffering, guilt, shame—all very real things that make us want to be quiet and hush.

Brené Brown said it like this: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do,” and I agree SO much! Your worst chapters might be someone else's freedom. Twenty-year old Ashley got married QUICK and never thought she would really stumble. But twenty-five year old Ashley took a swing and a giant miss at that naive assumption. I don’t have it all figured out now, and you know what, sharing my story is still scary. To me there are a lot of factors; things that can go right and lots of people I can help with it, but there’s also things that can go wrong I am sure. I know that you give Satan an inch and he’s gonna take a mile—but I also know that stories where it is proof that we are HUMAN, are most often the very ones apt to change someone else’s life.

Quote by: author John Acuff

Life Lately: Get Back Up Again

From rockstar to rock bottom, let's face it, that's how I am feeling. On March 17, 2018, I was on cloud nine, after receiving the phone call that my childhood dreams were coming true: I was getting a HORSE! 

On April 14th, he arrived from Nashville TN to a stable in Louisville, KY. When he walked off that trailer, every ounce of him was trembling. It was spitting rain, kind of chilly, and as I held his lead rope guiding him through the pasture I remember thinking, "This is it. This is REALLY happening!" I had begged God to have the rain hold off that day and guess what--moments after he arrived the skies opened and all the rain cleared. I'll never forget how high I was on Cloud 9 that day. I was excited, nervous, scared, overwhelmed, a little hesitant, but mostly, in love. I was also relieved that he calmed down so quickly, adjusted super well to the mare he is living with, and in all hindsight, we had zero issues!

I had all the questions in the world but I didn't know how to spit them out. I've never done this horse ownership thing you see, and all my horsewoman friends and acquaintances seem so well polished--they are put together, calm, resilient, and just kind of badass in general. Will that ever be me? I wonder. 

Every day I've driven the 'whopping' one mile down the road to see Mr. Paddy. He has an array of nicknames: Paddy Cake, Pads, Paddington, Paddy Bear, and then, of course, just plain Paddy. Classy O'Prado (his registered name) is one giant and beautiful boy, standing at 16'3 hands tall. We've started small--me walking him around the pasture two times, one in each direction. I started to loosely drape the lead over his neck and teach him how to follow me, and quickly stop. Follow me, and turn, then stop. Follow me, slowly jog after me, stop. And for the most part, he has it down so well. When he stops and I praise him, he puts his gigantic head into my chest and blows out a deep, loving breathe.

Even on day one, I had zero fear of riding my majestic boy. I hopped on him after he had been in the field for less than an hour and slowly trotted around his pasture. I never thought it would or could be any different. I've learned just how naive I have been in this whole owner/horsemanship deal. You don't know what you don't know, right? The same goes for motherhood or any ownership of ANY new animal. How can you predict what will happen? Maybe your baby will sleep through the night and maybe they won't. Maybe they'll fall and have to get stitches--you can't predict that. Maybe your new dog will get potty training down pact right off the bat, and maybe they'll be terrors who chew every single thing in sight into shreds. Maybe your horse will be calm, well behaved, sturdy and quiet, and maybe, just maybe, he'll buck you off. 

You can't predict that.

There's one thing that I have been 100% honest from the beginning of this: I have no clue what I am doing. I thank God for Rene who has owned horses for 20+ years [the lady who owns where I am boarding], because she, honest to God, is my calm. I have gotten into a routine of feeding Paddy his grain (dinner) between 6 and 7 pm each night. Usually, before he eats, we will work on groundwork with the lead rope or I simply spend time brushing him; and then he gets his grain. There were a few days where I attempted to lunge him (again, having NO clue what I was really doing). I knew the basics, how to start and stop, how to stand (or so I thought) and how I should be positioned. I realized really quickly that he despises going clockwise on the lunge line, and one day I spent over twenty minutes trying to get him to listen. Thank GOD I found an amazing trainer who showed me what I was doing wrong, how I was confusing him (I'm so sorry, Paddy!) and it started to go SO well after that. She encouraged me to have him go a few times around, and as long as there were no temper tantrums or little fits while he worked, praise him and move on. End on a good note. Always.  

This year for Mother's Day, I made it pretty clear that I largely wanted to spend the day with Paddy. My husband packed an AMAZING and beautiful picnic, and after church, our whole family went out to the field and enjoyed the spread. Paddy even joined us periodically and stayed real close while we ate; he smelled us, snorted, and took some peppermints happily. The kids then went on to play on the swing set at the house, and I wanted to show Asa how well Paddy was doing lunging. He lunged for me at a walk and trot both directions--with no real issue whatsoever. He seemed, calm, put together, not anxious, and I had no reason to believe that he would be any different once I rode him. I knew that I didn't want to trot him...lately he has been throwing "mini fits" (I call them) with a half-buck and fast run when asked to pick up a trot. This happened a few weeks after he arrived. The first couple of weeks he trotted with zero issues, but he was starting to show signs that something had changed. I'd actually gotten so scared a little while ago when he did it and took off to one end of the pasture, I ended up sobbing atop his back, asking him WHY. He stood perfectly still while I had my mini-meltdown. (I hadn't yet met my trainer yet when that happened, but she came just a few days later). She came and worked with me, watched me ride some, and I admitted to her that I was already experiencing some deep fear riding. (How did it flood in so quickly? When in the beginning, I had none?!) She encouraged me to only do what I felt comfortable doing, so on Mother's Day, my plan was to walk him only. I wanted to show Asa the exercises she had taught me, like small circles, the pressure release with the reins he was learning, and honestly, that was it.

My husband recorded a video of me walking, I was beaming ear to ear and said, "Happy Mother's Day!!" at the camera. Split seconds later, Paddy put himself into a small trot (I should have stopped him) and I remember thinking, "Okay, just go with it." I was going to let him do a small circle when suddenly, my face smashed into his neck and I was catapulted into the air. "Please don't die," I remember thinking. For whatever reason, I put my right LEG out to stop me and landed on my tailbone and butt. As you can imagine, my brain was in warp mode. "Can I move?" I thought. "Is anything broken?" I wondered. I felt liquid come out of me from down there and wondered, "Did I just pee my pants?" I rolled onto all fours and watched the blood pour out of my mouth. I felt like I was going to black out, vomit, and then suddenly, I lost all feeling in both of my hands. I started to yell, groan actually, and I can remember snapping at Asa when he tried to touch my back. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed. I was so scared, so petrified, and so angry. I looked over slightly to see Paddy with the reins kind of loose on his neck, saddle still intact, and his head was down. Asa said he had walked into the stall to check on Addie (the mare he resides with who was being stalled), and then he had walked over to me. Pretty quickly the owners came out and checked on me, Rene prompted her husband to call 9-1-1. Within minutes, the EMT and firetruck arrived, and I was loaded onto a stretcher. My poor kids watched, wondering I'm sure if Mom would be okay, what happened, and what this meant for the rest of their day and night. Both of them were so brave and stoic, which made me weep even harder behind the closed ambulance doors. We definitely did not end on a good note this day.

Long story short and after eight hours at the ER, we discovered I ripped my perineum and needed three stitches. (The liquid after the fall was blood, I just had no idea yet.) That has happened before, in childbirth, and I remember back then thinking it was no big deal. I also was able to hold the really cute brand new babies when I got those big shots and the stitching occurred--not so much the case this time. The feeling came back to my hands shortly after being in the ER, but they did a full body CT anyway, which thank God was clear. I have a giant gash on my lip, that they literally 'forgot' to stitch up, and I am hoping that it will fully heal. I look like a monster for the time being. It has been three days and I am still experiencing slight bleeding and am in an incredible amount of pain 'down there.' The first day (Monday) I cried on and off all day. I have had moments of paralyzing fear and anger, feelings of hopelessness, and I feel very, very broken in all aspects: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I have laughed (and cried) over the fact that this thirty-year-old is only comfortable in adult diapers because hello, this is basically like postpartum all over again.

I haven't had many falls prior to this one. I can remember one when I was a kid on the Arabian I grew up riding, and I honest to God think I MADE myself fall off because I wanted that 'cool story' behind me. Wow, Ashley...

Everyone tells me that I'll fall again. That more than likely, he will probably buck again. He is a five year old Thoroughbred, who and how can you predict WHAT will happen? Will you laugh if I tell you I NEVER THOUGHT this would happen? You don't know what you don't know. There is a LOT to figure out, and I am not allowed to ride for at least four weeks. My trainer is going to come and work with him, ride him, and we are going to brainstorm together things like a round/circular pen where he has more confinement. I am sure there are lots of factors involved here--maybe he wanted to get to Addie who was in the barn, maybe his saddle pinched him, maybe, maybe, maybe...but I can tell you how I'm feeling right now. And that's that I don't feel strong enough. 72 hours since the accident, so my emotions are probably still on high alert. But I am fearful. I don't want another ER visit (I can't AFFORD another ER visit), I don't want to be paralyzed, and I am a mom to two very young children who need their mother. 

Emotions aside, I promise myself and you this: 

I am not giving up. I am not throwing in the towel. I am not giving up on my childhood dream. I am going to pray around the clock and ask my prayer warriors to join me, that Paddy will calm down and get used to pasture riding. I will get strong again. I will not be sore forever or have a busted lip forever. I don't know when, but I will be able to walk without a limp. I will be able to do groundwork with him and lunge him. I will get back up again. Yesterday was the first time I spent over an hour with him since the accident. I fed him and brushed him, sponge bathed him and held the lead rope as he grazed. I hugged his face and scratched his ears, I kissed his nose and I told him that we WILL get there. 

Life lately? Not at all what I would have predicted a month ago, but I will rise.

**I want to say a huge thank you to EVERYONE who has helped during all of this. My sister-in-law Jana stopped what she was doing and came to the hospital on HER Mother's Day. Our kids went to our pastor's house and played with his children, and it was their mama's Mother's Day! The care packages, tips and tricks on healing, the supportive messages from the girls at the Horse Rescue Paddy came from, my parents who have prayed nonstop, co-workers who have been checking on me. But especially I have to thank my husband, Asa. He has been with me every step of the way. While I was on all four's in the pasture groaning, I yelled at him, "PRAY!" "I am!" he said. "PRAY OUT LOUD!" I yelled louder. So he did. Oh goodness the tears are starting to flood as I write...I couldn't have married a better or more Godly man. After seeing his wife launched in the air, he has assurred me that my dream is worth fighting for. Asa Glass, thank you. Just thank you.**

When Your Anxieties Have Anxiety

I used to go to therapy. I was five or six years old. I used to pick my fingers until they bled, and it was an ongoing problem; one that I couldn't seem to resolve on my own.  [Truth be told, I STILL struggle with finger picking. Apparently it's genetic and my grandmother used to also do it? I also think it's stemmed from a great deal of worry and subconscious thoughts.] My mom started taking me to see a counselor, though I don't remember much. I vaguely recall coloring, and a small room glowing with lamplight. What I remember the most is talking to this woman about my 'hiding place' in the house--where I would go when I didn't want to be seen. For whatever reason, the counselor told my mom and somehow it got brought back up into a discussion with me; I don't remember ever going back.

It's crazy to me that I never realized everything I felt and was feeling as a kid, through adolescence, through my entire life--has been anxiety.

I have always been the person who needed to 'figure it out.'  I started journaling at a very young age and in those journals, I wrote down plans for my life and all the questions of what-ifs and then whats. It was never crippling as a kid. But there were days that I would throw up before school because I was so worried. Worried about what? I actually have zero recollection. One time a male teacher I had in high school asked if I was pregnant because I tended to get sick before his class, after my morning gym class. I can't remember very well, but I think I used to be anxious about being late and not having enough time to shower before his class? And then sometimes I would be sick and be late anyway! No, Mr. ______ I am not pregnant, I am not even having SEX. I have anxiety.

That's what I wish I would have said! But I didn't know that's what was even wrong.

Flash forward many, many, many years. I met my husband when I was nineteen, was engaged eight months later, and because I got sick while in my BROTHER'S wedding, I assumed I would surely get sick in my own. [Why sick in my brother's wedding? I locked my knees and their sermon was ungodly long...they're aware, no offending anyone here--and I started to yawn, lose oxygen, felt like I was going to pass out, and instead ran down the center aisle to vomit in the bathroom as they said their vows. Yep. It's on video.] I started to have mini panic episodes during our engagement and just felt stressed and worried, a lot. [Do you think it could have been the fact that I was nineteen-years-old and ENGAGED?! Bless me!!!!] My doctor prescribed something mild and super low dosage wise, and again, I really have no recollection of taking it on a regular basis? I did take a quarter of a Xanax the MORNING of our wedding, which I don't really think was necessary because I felt zero anxiety the day that I married my sweet, sweet Southern husband--but I believe my brain has always fought with the 'what ifs' and I felt safer having it.  

As you can see, there is a lot of time that has gone past, and a lot of things that I don't remember well. There's no clear pinpoint of a day or time that I realized, "I have anxiety." I can tell you bits and pieces and here and there's of when I was feeling it, what triggered it, and I think what it all boils down to is this: 

I put a shit ton of pressure on MYSELF. And it's not necessary. Like, at all. 

Can you relate? Do you ever feel as if there are eyes on you? A LOT of eyes? I grew up a horse crazed girl and vowed I would someday move to Kentucky. Well, I did, when I was eighteen and fresh out of high school. I knew NO ONE. I landed a job with a not-so-good-man who was a horse trainer, and I never talked about or told ANYONE what happened. How could I? I didn't want to be the screw-up. I didn't want to be the girl who moved far away from home to pursue her dreams who ended up just being emotionally and mentally scarred from the damage done there. Or I should say, I didn't want to ADMIT that truth. And throughout my engagement, I also didn't want to admit that I was scared--scared that I was too young, scared that I didn't know what I was doing, very concerned that I had a lot of baggage walking into this union with an incredible man. 

Pressure. On myself. When I had no reason. 

I have loving parents and they love Jesus. At any time, I could have confessed anything and everything that I needed to. And they would have held me. Loved me. Wept with me. Walked with me and prayed with me. But instead, I often see giant red flashing lights with four bold letters: 

F-A-I-L

Move to Kentucky and add a traumatic work experience to your resume? Fail. Getting married at twenty-years-old and later struggle immensely when your body/hormones/emotions change and you doubt your young marriage? Fail. And the newest one--the one that I have currently been struggling with for months: after 20+ years of dreaming and waiting, get a HORSE? Your biggest dream, your wildest adventure, literally the thing you have been waiting for your ENTIRE life? You have NO idea what you're doing, and you have two young children. You work full time and have multiple jobs and side hustles. You're already tired, like all the time. So what if something goes wrong....? FAIL. 

It's mostly the things that I have zero control over that I struggle with the most. We have five pets (well, six with the horse!) and all at different times have had a multitude of health problems. From ear infections, aging bodies, asthmatic cats, intestinal garbage, incontinence, and now a sweet and very young horse who has mild arthritis. The arthritis isn't a big deal [at least I think??] but the anxiety within me can send me down and around the rabbit hole of anxiety QUICK. The other day I found myself thinking this: 

"His first cortisone shot was in March. Oh my word, I forgot he has arthritis. How do you forget he has arthritis? What if he can't be ridden? What if he's in pain? What if he needs another shot and I don't know it? What if he needs one every few months and I can't afford it?"

What if, what if, what if, what IF. And for WHAT?! 

My new horse Paddy [I need to write more about him later!] is a SAINT. He JUST turned five in January and he's a baby. He isn't in pain, he has and is on excellent anti-inflammatories, I know I'll learn as each day passes, and I have lots of amazing horsewomen in my life I can get answers from, ANY time. I thought my anxiety would stop when he arrived, but the truth is, it hasn't. I have a GIANT fear of failure. I want to succeed, I want to do well, I want to have Paddy for the REST of his hopefully long and healthy life, but often I put immense pressure on myself. I've had time to heal on the issues in my life, and my marriage is actually doing incredible. By the grace of God I've found redemption + restoration and I believe that I can help other women with my story. So darnet, Ashley, STOP WITH THE WHAT IFS. 

The other day my mom told me that Dad sometimes teases her and says, "Your anxieties have anxiety" (clearly he got this from Charlie Brown, haha!) I decided that that nailed it, that's exactly how I have been feeling. Especially since having kids, there was something about becoming a mom that really heightened all of this? [Other moms, can you relate?] It's not all doom and gloom though and still, none of it has been crippling or debilitating. Annoying, tiring, and stressful, sure. But here are some things that have helped when I am in the midst of a spiral downfall of anxiety: 

*GoNoodle: I use this in my classroom with my students, but I have also honest to God used many of these videos for myself. It's a mindfulness and movement website and helps teachers and parents get kids moving with short interactive activities
*Prayer: It may sound trite or too simple, but I will often pray one or two specific Bible verses over and over and ask God to relieve the pressure and tension I feel--for instance, "Be still and know that I am God," is one of my favorites
*My husband: I have to be VERY upfront and honest and tell him very specifically, "I need you to help calm me down." I'll tell him exactly what I'm feeling, what I am feeling scared of, and he legit helps break my thoughts down for me. When I feel overwhelmed by time restraints or balancing life, he will come up with a very functional and easy schedule, which almost immediately brings my heart rate down to healthy levels. 
*Exercise: even though I have slacked IMMENSELY since getting my horse...running 10+ minutes ALWAYS boosts my mood and calms my spirit. Now my exercise looks like time at the barn and riding Paddy 20-30 minutes a few days a week :) I'll take it! And eventually, I'll get back into running I'm sure! 
*Journaling and writing: I've done this since I was in VERY early elementary and I pray I journal forever. My Gram journaled forever, and I love going through them and reading her sweet words. 
*Hugs and physical touch: sometimes I ask Asa to just hold my chest. It's like a weighted vest I suppose, there are days and moments I feel I need literal pressure to help my heart rate slow back down and get my breathing regular again. Having a supportive and loving husband who empathizes with what and how I feel is quite honestly the LARGEST and most helpful calming tool. 

When I sent out my newsletter a few weeks ago also regarding anxiety and how I feel it is very prevalent and NEEDS to be talked about--I had a HUGE positive response. So many of y'all e-mailed me back and told me how it's something that you too have struggled with for years. So tell me, what has been helpful to you? Counseling, medication, groups, friends, relationships, a happy place....please do tell! I'd love to give my subscribers more helpful tools and feedback. As always, thank you for reading. I pray that wherever you're reading from tonight, that you feel loved and heard. 

Why Horse Hunting is THE Most Stressful Experience I've Endured

"What do you want for your birthday, Ash?" I think after my tenth birthday my parents probably stopped asking because my answer was always the same: 

a horse. 

I finally got to the point where I started just asking for a saddle. If I could get a saddle, then surely I'd be one step closer to owning a real live horse, right? 

I remember a couple of years ago I saw an old English saddle smack dab in the middle at a Goodwill. I don't have a clue how much they wanted for it but I ran over to my husband and exclaimed that I had to have it. "What are you going to do with a SADDLE?" he asked. "I don't know," I responded. "Hang it up somewhere? Just HAVE it?!"  

Needless to say, the poor saddle sat in our dark and dusty basement for another couple of years. Nowhere to display it, no horse to put it on, and back to the Goodwill it went when we sold our house. When we moved from one end of the city to another, I had zero hope that I would be anywhere near horses. We leaped at the chance to own a gorgeous house, newly built, with extra space, and as I glanced around the suburb, I remember thinking, "Nope...no horse for me for a while."  

And then upon driving and trying to get more familiar with the area, we went past a house that had a very pretty Bay horse, grazing in the pasture. I had a feeling that they just had the one, and I knew I had to contact them. If nothing else, I wanted to meet people in the area who would allow me to love on their horse! I prayed as I wrote a handwritten letter and I prayed again when I placed it in their mailbox. A couple of weeks later, and after feeling rather defeated, I had a message in my inbox from the owner. She stated that she would like to meet me and that they would *possibly* be open to allowing me to board one day in the future. 

At first, I texted cautiously every time I wanted to stop by and see their horse, Addie. Nonchalantly once I said, "Do you want me to check in with you when I'm planning to come? Please be honest!" and she said, "Nope! You don't ever need to check in, just come on by." I have told her often that she is one of the greatest blessings in my life, but seriously, I REALLY hope she knows! I started to feel so at peace and at ease and as many of you know, I visit Addie often. She'll see me coming from the yard and I holler, "Hi, Addie GIrl!!!" She whinnies SOOO loudly and mosies over to the fence. I climb through and I always tell her how much I love her. Addie has a Thyroid disorder and she also Founders easily; most often her gait is slow and some days, she prefers to just stay put--but she always welcomes me with her whinny, and rubs her head down my side. I've been telling her lately that I'm trying to bring her a friend, and her owner and I have had many conversations regarding this dream of mine. 

They gave me the green light recently, and have said that mid to late April would be ideal to bring a horse to live there. I want to cry and laugh and sing and dance and cry some more. Guys, this has been my dream since I can remember. I really think it was as young as kindergarten that I began to confess to everyone my love for horses. I dressed up as a jockey in fourth grade (and got in trouble for it because of the 'tight' pants; yeah my 4th-grade teacher hated me). And by my Sophomore year in college, I was hellbent that I was indeed going to leave Michigan, move to Kentucky, and pursue my dream of horses. At eighteen years old, I just did that. 

Flash forward and here we are. I've lived here for almost twelve years and you're telling me that this dream is finally becoming a REALITY!? 

Well, just like no one explained to me some really important things about childbirth and having a baby (like the fact you have to contract for hours on end AFTER the baby is delivered?! OH my word, Y'all! I was TICKED)--no one explained to me how heart-wrenching this process would be. A couple of weeks ago I met a horse and he is beautiful! He seemed perfectly sweet, well mannered, has been worked with a ton and would be a GREAT horse; but I left feeling reserved, unsure, and questioning if that's just what it feels like when you're searching for a horse. The following week I went to a different farm and met two horses: one 16'3 hand Thoroughbred and a 17' hand Canadian Warmblood. The Thoroughbred was tied near his stall and they shortly after brought out the Warmblood. "Both are so beautiful! This doesn't seem fair?" I said. But AS I said that, my feet, without me having any inclination that they were moving, carried me over to the Thoroughbred. Enter my heart falling head over heels in love with THE sweetest and gentlest giant ever, Bossy. 

My husband and I went to dinner that evening after he basically PULLED me from the barn and this horse. The entire time my mind was flooded with thoughts of Bossy, wanting to go back, missing him, wishing so badly I could just bring him HOME. The next day we had friends over and after they left, Asa said, "Go see Bossy. I know you want to, and it's okay." He didn't have to tell me twice; I changed clothes, grabbed a winter hat, and drove an hour to go kiss Bossy. Part of the problem though, at least for me, is that from the getgo, I have stated that my first horse HAS to be a sound horse. And it does. And it was very evident that this sweet, sweet horse has some stiffness, and that like all stiff joints, there has to be an underlying issue. Does it have to be big or drastic? No, not at all. Maybe he feels more comfortable with shoes? Perhaps he has a little bit of arthritis starting? And maybe he IS just simply sore from being worked and getting back into the routine of regular riding. There's absolutely ZERO way for me to know until I get a full pre-purchase vet exam. And waiting for that to happen is literally wrecking my heart. 

I've never done this before. I've never owned a horse; I've ridden most of my life, and am very comfortable around horses, regardless of how big and intimidating they may be to others. I literally feel like they are my soul mate, and don't hate me but I never dreamt of being a wife or a mom--I dreamt of being a horse owner. Thank Jesus that He called me to BE a wife and a mom and that I may just get the best of BOTH worlds, but this has to be one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I can't put into words what I'm feeling--I've been telling Asa and my mom that daily. I find myself just choking up and beginning to cry every time I talk about Bossy because I want this to work out SO badly. All my horse friends reassure me that my horse is out there. "If it's not Bossy, I promise you it's someone else," they say. And I KNOW they are right. I know that ALL horses are special for someone.

A gal on Instagram recently messaged me and said, "God has the perfect horse in mind for you. There'll always be another! They'll be DIFFERENT, but each one has their own special things to teach us." (Thank you, Ali, for this sweet, sweet message that really and truly, brought me peace this morning.) 

It's mostly hard because my heart hasn't been through this before. Sure, I've loved horses. Lots of them! And I love Addie! But there has never been the prospect of one being MINE. Guys, I used to pretend a gigantic red tricycle was a horse [his name was Ol' Red] and I tried daily to "walk" it around the front of the house to the windows I KNEW my mom could see me through, so she could SEE how well I could take care of a "horse." Oh. My. Word.

I envision my horse being an oversized teddy bear. One I can train to be a gentle giant to our family. Who I can teach our kids how to ride on. Who I can run to and bury my face into when I have good AND bad days. 

Is it Bossy? I don't know. Really I don't. His current owner is so kind and very patient with me. I hope to go and ride him this weekend, and his full vet check will be later next week. I'll have more answers then, and I'm just praying [hard] that I can keep it together better than I have the past couple of days in the meantime. I'm truthfully scared of the answers, regardless of what they're going to be. Pre-purchase exams are expensive, and on top of all the things I'll need to actually BUY said horse and get the things and products I need, it's just a LOT. That is one thing I am not naive about. I'm not a silly little girl living in la la land, dreaming of frolicking in pastures with my future horse one day. Except don't get me wrong, that WILL happen...but I KNOW horses are expensive. More than I can even imagine, necessarily budget for, and there are so many unknowns. 

I don't LIKE unknowns. 

But I was created by a God who KNOWS me. 

And as I often preach to others, I know that I have to release my anxiety, my fear, my questions, my doubt, and hand these rollercoaster emotions over to Him. 

I thought house hunting was stressful but by golly, this definitely has me beat! 

Lord, please be with me. PLEASE take the reins, and be with my future horse. Protect him, keep him safe from injuries, and show me exactly WHO he is. Be with my heart, as it's more than a wreck. I'm tired, I'm anxious, I don't want to do the wrong thing. I'm scared of failure--more with this than ANYTHING else. And I need YOU to tell me it's going to be okay. That you have my back. That you WILL tell me yes or no. That you will open and close doors. And that I will BE okay when all is said and done. I love you. And only want what you want.