Why Horse Hunting is THE Most Stressful Experience I've Endured

"What do you want for your birthday, Ash?" I think after my tenth birthday my parents probably stopped asking because my answer was always the same: 

a horse. 

I finally got to the point where I started just asking for a saddle. If I could get a saddle, then surely I'd be one step closer to owning a real live horse, right? 

I remember a couple of years ago I saw an old English saddle smack dab in the middle at a Goodwill. I don't have a clue how much they wanted for it but I ran over to my husband and exclaimed that I had to have it. "What are you going to do with a SADDLE?" he asked. "I don't know," I responded. "Hang it up somewhere? Just HAVE it?!"  

Needless to say, the poor saddle sat in our dark and dusty basement for another couple of years. Nowhere to display it, no horse to put it on, and back to the Goodwill it went when we sold our house. When we moved from one end of the city to another, I had zero hope that I would be anywhere near horses. We leaped at the chance to own a gorgeous house, newly built, with extra space, and as I glanced around the suburb, I remember thinking, "Nope...no horse for me for a while."  

And then upon driving and trying to get more familiar with the area, we went past a house that had a very pretty Bay horse, grazing in the pasture. I had a feeling that they just had the one, and I knew I had to contact them. If nothing else, I wanted to meet people in the area who would allow me to love on their horse! I prayed as I wrote a handwritten letter and I prayed again when I placed it in their mailbox. A couple of weeks later, and after feeling rather defeated, I had a message in my inbox from the owner. She stated that she would like to meet me and that they would *possibly* be open to allowing me to board one day in the future. 

At first, I texted cautiously every time I wanted to stop by and see their horse, Addie. Nonchalantly once I said, "Do you want me to check in with you when I'm planning to come? Please be honest!" and she said, "Nope! You don't ever need to check in, just come on by." I have told her often that she is one of the greatest blessings in my life, but seriously, I REALLY hope she knows! I started to feel so at peace and at ease and as many of you know, I visit Addie often. She'll see me coming from the yard and I holler, "Hi, Addie GIrl!!!" She whinnies SOOO loudly and mosies over to the fence. I climb through and I always tell her how much I love her. Addie has a Thyroid disorder and she also Founders easily; most often her gait is slow and some days, she prefers to just stay put--but she always welcomes me with her whinny, and rubs her head down my side. I've been telling her lately that I'm trying to bring her a friend, and her owner and I have had many conversations regarding this dream of mine. 

They gave me the green light recently, and have said that mid to late April would be ideal to bring a horse to live there. I want to cry and laugh and sing and dance and cry some more. Guys, this has been my dream since I can remember. I really think it was as young as kindergarten that I began to confess to everyone my love for horses. I dressed up as a jockey in fourth grade (and got in trouble for it because of the 'tight' pants; yeah my 4th-grade teacher hated me). And by my Sophomore year in college, I was hellbent that I was indeed going to leave Michigan, move to Kentucky, and pursue my dream of horses. At eighteen years old, I just did that. 

Flash forward and here we are. I've lived here for almost twelve years and you're telling me that this dream is finally becoming a REALITY!? 

Well, just like no one explained to me some really important things about childbirth and having a baby (like the fact you have to contract for hours on end AFTER the baby is delivered?! OH my word, Y'all! I was TICKED)--no one explained to me how heart-wrenching this process would be. A couple of weeks ago I met a horse and he is beautiful! He seemed perfectly sweet, well mannered, has been worked with a ton and would be a GREAT horse; but I left feeling reserved, unsure, and questioning if that's just what it feels like when you're searching for a horse. The following week I went to a different farm and met two horses: one 16'3 hand Thoroughbred and a 17' hand Canadian Warmblood. The Thoroughbred was tied near his stall and they shortly after brought out the Warmblood. "Both are so beautiful! This doesn't seem fair?" I said. But AS I said that, my feet, without me having any inclination that they were moving, carried me over to the Thoroughbred. Enter my heart falling head over heels in love with THE sweetest and gentlest giant ever, Bossy. 

My husband and I went to dinner that evening after he basically PULLED me from the barn and this horse. The entire time my mind was flooded with thoughts of Bossy, wanting to go back, missing him, wishing so badly I could just bring him HOME. The next day we had friends over and after they left, Asa said, "Go see Bossy. I know you want to, and it's okay." He didn't have to tell me twice; I changed clothes, grabbed a winter hat, and drove an hour to go kiss Bossy. Part of the problem though, at least for me, is that from the getgo, I have stated that my first horse HAS to be a sound horse. And it does. And it was very evident that this sweet, sweet horse has some stiffness, and that like all stiff joints, there has to be an underlying issue. Does it have to be big or drastic? No, not at all. Maybe he feels more comfortable with shoes? Perhaps he has a little bit of arthritis starting? And maybe he IS just simply sore from being worked and getting back into the routine of regular riding. There's absolutely ZERO way for me to know until I get a full pre-purchase vet exam. And waiting for that to happen is literally wrecking my heart. 

I've never done this before. I've never owned a horse; I've ridden most of my life, and am very comfortable around horses, regardless of how big and intimidating they may be to others. I literally feel like they are my soul mate, and don't hate me but I never dreamt of being a wife or a mom--I dreamt of being a horse owner. Thank Jesus that He called me to BE a wife and a mom and that I may just get the best of BOTH worlds, but this has to be one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I can't put into words what I'm feeling--I've been telling Asa and my mom that daily. I find myself just choking up and beginning to cry every time I talk about Bossy because I want this to work out SO badly. All my horse friends reassure me that my horse is out there. "If it's not Bossy, I promise you it's someone else," they say. And I KNOW they are right. I know that ALL horses are special for someone.

A gal on Instagram recently messaged me and said, "God has the perfect horse in mind for you. There'll always be another! They'll be DIFFERENT, but each one has their own special things to teach us." (Thank you, Ali, for this sweet, sweet message that really and truly, brought me peace this morning.) 

It's mostly hard because my heart hasn't been through this before. Sure, I've loved horses. Lots of them! And I love Addie! But there has never been the prospect of one being MINE. Guys, I used to pretend a gigantic red tricycle was a horse [his name was Ol' Red] and I tried daily to "walk" it around the front of the house to the windows I KNEW my mom could see me through, so she could SEE how well I could take care of a "horse." Oh. My. Word.

I envision my horse being an oversized teddy bear. One I can train to be a gentle giant to our family. Who I can teach our kids how to ride on. Who I can run to and bury my face into when I have good AND bad days. 

Is it Bossy? I don't know. Really I don't. His current owner is so kind and very patient with me. I hope to go and ride him this weekend, and his full vet check will be later next week. I'll have more answers then, and I'm just praying [hard] that I can keep it together better than I have the past couple of days in the meantime. I'm truthfully scared of the answers, regardless of what they're going to be. Pre-purchase exams are expensive, and on top of all the things I'll need to actually BUY said horse and get the things and products I need, it's just a LOT. That is one thing I am not naive about. I'm not a silly little girl living in la la land, dreaming of frolicking in pastures with my future horse one day. Except don't get me wrong, that WILL happen...but I KNOW horses are expensive. More than I can even imagine, necessarily budget for, and there are so many unknowns. 

I don't LIKE unknowns. 

But I was created by a God who KNOWS me. 

And as I often preach to others, I know that I have to release my anxiety, my fear, my questions, my doubt, and hand these rollercoaster emotions over to Him. 

I thought house hunting was stressful but by golly, this definitely has me beat! 

Lord, please be with me. PLEASE take the reins, and be with my future horse. Protect him, keep him safe from injuries, and show me exactly WHO he is. Be with my heart, as it's more than a wreck. I'm tired, I'm anxious, I don't want to do the wrong thing. I'm scared of failure--more with this than ANYTHING else. And I need YOU to tell me it's going to be okay. That you have my back. That you WILL tell me yes or no. That you will open and close doors. And that I will BE okay when all is said and done. I love you. And only want what you want. 

One Step at a Time

*don't worry, that coffee is uber cold for all you dog worried folk reading*

Recently church has been really refreshing for me. It's simple. Our kids are loving it. Both of them have memorized, "And Jesus says, Come follow me!" and "I love my church!" from the kids' ministry. I'm meeting new women and am excited to develop friendships + fellowship more. And this past Sunday we started a new series, 'Finding God's Plan for Your Life.' I mistakenly left my journal at home but I opened my trusty ol' iPhone and typed away in the Notes app. I seriously felt so pumped as a guy named Keith spoke, and thought it may be helpful for some of you to hear how and what inspired me the most.  

First, Guys, I've gotta tell you, 2016 has been an incredible year. I launched this blog in January, a post went viral days later, I've done some pretty badass collaborations and sponsorships [new bunk beds, yes please / mattress, YES! / dining room table, soon to arrive / and more]; and I am so THANKFUL to the many companies I've been honored to work with. I think most of all though... I am most the most excited about getting to stay home. When last December, I looked at my husband and I declared that I needed to STAY HOME (because my firstborn starts kindergarten in August!)...well, I'm blown away by God's grace and provision in that He provided for me, so that I GET to do that! We've been over the bank account, studied the budget, numerous, numerous times. Of course there's a part of me that is so SCARED to actually rely solely on my saved income for this--but I know that God has huge things up His sleeve! I don't have a clue what they are, but my dream wheels are spinning and I've got things on my radar for 2017 that I really believe He is orchestrating.

So how many of you like to dream big? Or how many of you like it when you have a PLAN? [If you're completely laid back and don't enjoy filling up your calendar, I have no idea how you function, BUT I love you anyway.] I'm just the opposite is all ;) I was the girl who at age five had her heart set on moving to Kentucky to become a horse racing jockey, who dreamt of being the first female to win the Kentucky Derby. Did it happen? Not all of it, but a huge chunk! When I turned eighteen, I got in my car and drove to Louisville. I made connections via e-mail with several people, found a roommate, got a job at Churchill Downs, and it all started to come together. I made a plan, at a very young age, and began my journey to live it out. One step at a time!

You all clearly know that I am NOT a jockey. I did not win the Derby, nor did I even get to become a full time exercise rider. I actually ended up working for a guy who didn't have too much respect for me. He definitely had alternative motives when he hired me, and eighteen year old me had NO IDEA. Let's just say when he packed up his horses and left Churchill Downs, that was probably one of the biggest blessings for me as a woman. I went to work for a more upstanding trainer, loved every second of it, but summer soon approached and I moved back home to Michigan. When I came BACK to Louisville, I very soon after met my husband, fell in love, and haven't actually WORKED with horses since. [If you've kept up, you know that's ALL part of my future dreams, but currently, it's on pause.]

What does all of this have to do with my current life or future dreams? Well, when Keith said, "God leads us in steps. He gives you one step at a time," in my head I was reliving these baby steps that have placed me where I currently am. Eighteen-year old Ashley wouldn't have ever told you that it was her dream to be a blogger and professional photographer. She was seeing 5 feet in front of her face and all she saw was horses. And then later, a Godly and handsome man who would become twenty-year old Ashley's husband. But a HUGE part of my story from the track is I believe, what has inspired twenty-eight year old Ashley's 2017 visions: to write, and specifically, to empower women from across the globe in believing that they are WORTHY and LOVED.

I don't actually know HOW all of this will pan out. I want to stay home and focus on our kids, and I get to do that for at LEAST eight months. And I want to write and meet SO many of you, have dinner with you and share your beautiful story. I want a farmhouse and a few horses, and I'm not even positive where that will BE. Yet I don't need to have anxiety over my future. I know that God is not afraid to bless me (us) if we choose to put Him first. Keith said, "Delight yourself in every season, allow Him to LEAD you, and he WILL fulfill His plan for your life." (Psalm 37:4 for reference). Right now, I am absolutely in the baby stages of planning. I'm launching a new series, spreading the word, and I'm going to soak in every ounce of my three and four year old. And with God, no step is ever wasted. I'll be honest in that not all of my life has been sunshine and roses. It STILL isn't. There was quite a bit of hurt for a period of time, abuse, self-doubt, you name it. But I believe it is ALL part of a very intricately woven story, that only my Creator could write.

"Despise NOT the day of small beginnings," (Zechariah 4:10) is going to be one of my 2017 mantras. Have you ever been overwhelmed by the BIG picture, when you are just starting out? Or maybe scared of what's to come, how everything plays out, where YOU end up? I am going to allow God to take me through the process. "Treat the little steps like they are the greatest opportunity you've EVER had," was the most powerful piece to me in our message Sunday. Life comes in stages and phases, and this is how God meant for it to BE.

Guys! Don't be SCARED for the coming year. Hey, maybe you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "Heck, I'm not worried, I've got it all figured out!" But did you know even in THAT, God is doing something you have absolutely no clue about? I am so excited, and yes, a little scared too, to look back on this post in a year. Maybe I'll actually really NOT enjoy staying home with the kids and I'll be knocking down the door of a classroom begging, "LET ME BACK IN!!! I need to teach!!!!" Maybe we'll still be living in the same home [God, please no......] Perhaps my blog will FLOP [hopefully not!!], maybe Instagram will disappear [doubtful] and at the end of 2017 I'll be like, "Ashley, what were you THINKING?!" But Y'all, THAT is the beauty in this.

God leads us in steps. And no step is EVER wasted.

Tell me, what are you dreaming of?! What excites you (or terrifies you!) about 2017? We are all in this TOGETHER. From wherever you are, I am standing there with you. Leave a comment below and let's talk, because friends, I am excited to know your heart!

"The steps of a good man are ORDAINED by GOD; and He delights in his way!" -Psalm 37:23

Through the Stillness

Alright, ya'll. If any of you are big dreamers like myself, then I really think you should run, not walk, to your closest bookstore. Lara Casey wrote a book that honestly, I was attracted to because of the cover... I know, I know--"Don't judge a book by its' cover," right? However, this girl likes pretty things! So, the vibrant colors along with the title, Make it Happen, quickly caught my attention. I haven't opened a book in probably years (yes, that's true and yes, that's sad) but when I began reading this one, I couldn't put it down. She wrote everything that my heart was in need of hearing and she sincerely inspired me to continue dreaming BIG! 

Chapter by chapter I found myself thinking, "This is so me," and "Yes, I can do big things!" When I was a kid, I used to sneak out to the hall night light to read books late at night. I found myself going to bed during our most recent spring break Michigan trip, and I just couldn't sleep. I would turn my bedside night light on, or if my husband was already sawing logs (usually he was), I tiptoed to my parents large upstairs living room. I continued turning pages, finishing chapters and before I knew it, I reached the part she titled: "Evaluate Your Life."

While my kids napped, I slowly read this section of her book and decided to journal my thoughts along the way. "Your worries today can directly affect what you write next, so don't shove them under the table" (148). I mean really, how often do you have a worry or a thought, and just run past it? Not all things are worth worrying over and Matthew 6:34 says, "For do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has its' own trouble."  However, when you are seeking the right words, direction in your thoughts and creative passions, I think it is important to slow down and think through them. Not lose sleep, necessarily; but process. What are you worried about? What do you need to ponder on in order to walk through this season of life effectively? I thought through and responded to some of her prompts that I'll share you with here: 

• How are you feeling physically? 
• What are your thoughts about your workplace? 
• How are your relationships? 
• Are you using God's gifts and how are your creative passions?  
• How is your physical space treating you?  
• How is your relationship with God? 

Do you want to know my BIGGEST dream? The one that I've always deemed 'too big' or 'too grand?'

I want a sixteen hand Thoroughbred horse. I want it to be Bay in color with a little speck of white on his face. I want him to be calm, but spunky. I want to jump hurdles and ride openly through fields and on trails. I want to wake up at six a.m. and greet him in the stall, as he's still lying down from a good night's sleep. I want to kiss his soft muzzle and wrap my arms around his giant neck, as I sit bareback across him. I want to watch my kids lead him across his pasture, to photograph their sweetness as they learn and discover the healing that he brings to their hearts. But I also want a large farmhouse. White, with a wrap around porch. I want to enjoy coffee there with my husband, and watch many sunsets on our horizon. 

But it's too big. 
It's too hard. 
It's too much money. 
It's not possible with our budget. 
I'll be forty before it happens. 
But... 

What if it's not though? What if getting there isn't impossible? What if I trusted Jesus that He created me with the desires burning in my heart for a reason? For HIS reasons?! What if I allowed my faith to move me forward, instead of using it as an excuse to hold me back?  

I've been a city dweller for TEN years now-- TEN! I was the girl lying on a giant trampoline, alone, watching the clouds pass overhead. I always had a journal, and I was always writing. My closest neighbors were my family members, My brother and I romped through corn fields and picked soybeans when the seasons changed. We were barefoot, always, as we chased and dreamed. And now it's quite the opposite: I've gotten used to a three mile drive to the grocery store, a Target within ten minutes, and I can almost reach out our windows to touch the neighbors' houses. My heart longs for things of my past, but the city has also done me well. 

Instead of telling myself that my biggest dreams can't happen, I am learning whole-heartedly what patience and contentment in our current life looks and feels like. I am way more at peace this year than I was last. I check Zillow and Realtor.com weekly, but I'm also okay giving this huge chunk of my heart to God. Lara said, "Stillness is hard, isn't it? We don't want to be still...But stillness enables us to move forward with a purpose. It allows us to be intentional instead of reactionary" (154).  

What are you waiting for? What does your heart beat for? Maybe it is to climb up the corporate ladder? Maybe it's trying to figure out what Motherhood looks like in this current season? Maybe it's wedding or event planning. Maybe it's the opposite of mine and you long to move TO the city! I can only share with you because I am in the learning phase of this myself, but while waiting is difficult, it is also so important! During this season, God is doing SO much work on your heart and in your soul, if you can just let Him. It is incredibly hard for me to believe that He actually wants to give me my dream horse and house, but what if He does? I've decided to dig deeper and to believe that my fear of failure and disappointment should never outweigh the possibilities of the future.  

God is good, friends. Always. Even and especially when you may not feel it. I'm praying for you and I more than welcome you to pray for me as well. (Hey, maybe you know someone who wants to donate a beautiful horse farm my way!? Ha ha!) 

Here's to uncomfortable waiting. To the unknown, to the stagnant pauses that make us wince. Here's to big things happening in our lives, to dreaming and believing because we were created for SO MUCH MORE!