Your Past Could Save Someone's Future

Immediately following sharing my own personal story at our church service recently, I was browsing Pinterest and saw this quote:

“Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past, so it doesn’t become their future.” -John Acuff

WHOA, I thought. That’s DEEP.

I am hoping to share here soon what I talked about to our church, but I am still praying about the right timing. Nonetheless, prior to me getting on stage with my husband, I was pretty nervous that there would be no way I would have the words to say in front of a BUNCH of people sitting silently, especially because the lights at our church are SUPER bright and it feels like a total spotlight. Asa and I prayed beforehand that it would be the Lord’s words, not our own, that came to surface. Needless to say I was completely in awe that I did just fine. I was a little nervous? But not too bad deep down. I didn’t stutter, choke, or even tear up; the words just flowed. After it ended, a gal holding her baby approached me with tears in her eyes. “Thank you,” she said. “I can’t say more than thank you because I’ll just cry harder. So thank you.” I got her name and told her to please find me and talk with me if she felt she could. Then a few more women hugged me and encouraged me. One said, “I felt this was your first time sharing your story but I need to tell you that it shouldn’t be your last.”

So the thing is, with that quote above, we all have a story. Yours might not be that you had an affair, or were an alcoholic, or that you’re addicted to porn. But it’s still important! When a friend told me that she was currently dealing with what I did in my past, I almost started to cry.

“RUN!!!!!” is what I wanted to yell. But we were actually IN church when she told me and well, that would have been weird. If there is ANY way at all that I can spare another woman going through what I did; what I put my FAMILY through, oh friends I would. Do you have something that you wish could help someone be free? It took five years for me to fully heal. To feel okay with friends and family knowing some of my dirty laundry. The fact I was able to share openly in a congregation is 1000% because of the Lord and His healing. You might be thinking, “Ashley, I am not sharing my baggage, in a CHURCH…” But you don’t have to. I am just asking you to be open—if you have a friend or even acquaintance who you think NEEDS to hear your story? Be open to it.

And if you’re NOT there yet, trust the wait. Never in a thousand years did I think I would share the way that I have. Asa’s MOM, his sister, and his brother’s wife all sat in the front row. Stories are hard. Pain, suffering, guilt, shame—all very real things that make us want to be quiet and hush.

Brené Brown said it like this: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do,” and I agree SO much! Your worst chapters might be someone else's freedom. Twenty-year old Ashley got married QUICK and never thought she would really stumble. But twenty-five year old Ashley took a swing and a giant miss at that naive assumption. I don’t have it all figured out now, and you know what, sharing my story is still scary. To me there are a lot of factors; things that can go right and lots of people I can help with it, but there’s also things that can go wrong I am sure. I know that you give Satan an inch and he’s gonna take a mile—but I also know that stories where it is proof that we are HUMAN, are most often the very ones apt to change someone else’s life.

Quote by: author John Acuff

Expect Something Different: First Year of Marriage

Aahh the Newlywed stage. Have people ever told you, “Your first year will be the hardest!” When Asa and I got engaged, it was mind blowing just how many outright negative comments we received. The one common thread everyone said we would fight over, was money. They also said that we would be having sex, all the time. Guess right, they were WRONG.

Whenever we have friends in our life get married we alway ask them these questions:

-What is the best part about being married?
-What is the one thing you can’t believe nobody told you about?
-What is the hardest part about being married?

About 99% of the time we get these answers: “The best part is learning to do life together, making our home, nesting essentially. The part nobody warned us about is how fiercely independent we’ve been for so many years and how hard that would be to shake off as we become dependent on each other. And the hardest part is sex. Expectations were weird, physically it’s not what we expected… and not to say it’s “bad”, (though sometimes it is) it’s certainly not the movies either.

Truthfully this is the reality for so many newlyweds, regardless we’ve found of age or how long they’ve been together. Of course unpacking and arranging furniture is fun. Cuddling with your spouse, having morning coffee, sneaking into each others’ shower are all just awesome fun things. It’s LIFE. This is why we chose to get married, to do life with each other.

The trouble comes that we seem to not realize that sharing our life, really means SHARING OUR LIVES. We share finances and we share time. We share spaces and objects. Learning that I have to communicate my schedule, my desires for OUR money, and being upfront about my expectations is challenging. Somehow though we forget in the engagement stage of the relationship that we are independent people agreeing to intertwine everything in life.

And then yes, there is sex. Your predisposed notion is PROBABLY: “It’s going to be magical, it’s going to be often, and I’m going to be really good at it.” But the truth is, unless you are both quite versed in sex prior to your wedding night, (we weren’t), its going to be awkward. It might even be hard. Yes, it will definitely be fun. But you don’t necessarily think about prior to the marriage, that you will have to find a way to be as sexy as you can, and care as little as possible about the outcome. That’s difficult, right? Things just aren’t the movies, where everything has perfect candle lit angles, and its all extremely satisfying. But you know what it is? It is intimate, it is fun, it does feel good, and it will get better. Practice makes perfect. Stick with it slugger.

We recently saw this quote that resonated well:

“The devil will do anything to get you in bed before your marriage and everything after your wedding night to keep you out of it.”

Believe it or not, this is 1000% TRUE.

Our first year of marriage, we didn’t stress about money. We were poor. Plain and simple! We budgeted extremely well and looked forward to our Thursday night cheap Chinese takeout and Grey’s Anatomy. We didn’t overspend or even want to spend. We had each other, and we lived in the heart of the city of Old Louisville. We had our dogs, our love, and Chinese…what more could we ask for?

But the truth is, as the years went on, we quickly discovered that we didn’t have it all together. Our love, as strong as it was, wasn’t solely butterflies and roses. We struggled finding the time to pursue one another, to learn what the other needed: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intimately. The newly wed stage is magical for all the right reasons, but it’s just a phase. What we hope and pray you are creating is a healthy foundation of LOVE for all of the phases still yet to come. Each phase is beautifully tough. No phase is perfect, but ALL phases you get to face together.

Love,