I'll Keep Climbing Anyway

The last few years I haven’t made resolutions as much as I have prayed about a WORD for the year. This year as I was browsing Pinterest, I came to a quote that had CLIMB at the top of it, and this as the text:

“You are exactly where you are meant to be right now. Do not compare your journey to anyone else’s; yours is a WILDLY different journey up an entirely different mountain. If you were meant to be higher up your mountain, you would be. There might be more you need to learn from this spot before you can keep climbing. There might be something you need to see HERE before you continue forward. Maybe you are simply meant to REST before the journey ahead. Regardless of where you are on your path, know that the rest of your story will unfold when it is time. Until then, enjoy your beautifully unique CLIMB.

-Walk the Earth

This quote spoke to me on such a real level. So much so, that I shared with my high school students and several asked me for a print out of it; I think the words are so raw and relatable to SO many. As a full time teacher and small business(es) owner, I tend to easily become fairly (very) overwhelmed and stressed. As an entrepreneur I am always striving for ways to bring in extra income, and for my side jobs to be successful. As the New Year approached, I thought about having ‘grow’ or ‘succeed’ be my words for the upcoming year…and then I realized that felt like WAY too much pressure. My husband thought that I really needed to pray on the notion of ‘rest…’ I am pretty constantly go, go, going in my mind and with my work. And while I do agree with that, I DO need to rest more and be able to shut off my work mode; I think that can apply to the above quote. “Maybe you are simply meant to rest before the journey ahead…” Instead of comparing my journey to others’ this year I am really going to strive to simply embrace the climb, and that goes for ALL areas of my life.

Speaking of the Climb and Life Lately…

You know we basically have a zoo: two dogs, three cats, two horses, and two kids…(do kids count?) Therefore, there will literally ALWAYS be something going on, good and bad. In the past few months, our Golden Retriever started having some urine issues. She is a dog who never had more than two accidents in all of her life, so it was pretty concerning…More than a handful of UTI laters, we decided to have her blood work checked, and God bless our veterinarian, (shout out to Dr. Matt Thompson) for sitting down with me (and calling my husband) to explain his thoughts and what the numbers showed. Ultimately we all concluded that an ultrasound was the safest route to go so that we could see the big picture. I knew before going into the appointment, we would SEE something. I just knew in my heart, maybe because I’m often a ‘worst case scenario’ girl, that there would be. As Elsa lay on her back, acting like an angel per usual, I prayed I would be able to handle the outcome. They looked at her spleen, bladder, kidneys, and then they got to the liver—I heard the word ‘mass’ and tears instantly quietly started to stream. I stroked Elsa’s face and told her over and over what a good and wonderful girl she is. When it was all said and done, Dr. Thompson and I went to the office and talked. He knows me so well that he came up with a plan, and I was fully confident in everything that he said. Our Chocolate Lab Humphrey was diagnosed last Valentine’s Day and I sobbed on the floor of the vet clinic. This year I sat silently, petting Elsa’s head, feeling as though for whatever reason, I needed to be strong for her. The tears will come. Lord help me, I know that they will come.

SO…
In a few weeks, we will do another ultrasound of Elsa’s liver. It could be benign (you know I doubt that…) or it will have grown, and possibly even spread. I am praying that I can handle all of this in stride. “There might be more you need to learn from this spot before you can keep climbing…” I’m not sure what I’m supposed to learn in this season, but I will continue to pray about it and trust that though the tears may be plentiful, the joy will also abound. Elsa isn’t gone yet. I will love her every single second of every single day; I plan on kissing her goodnight every night, and thanking her for being strong.

What does ‘climb’ mean to you? What journey are you currently embarking on? Are you in a season of rest and quiet right now…? Not really sure where 2020 will take you? Have you heard of Christian author Lara Casey? She wrote a new book titled Cultivate and I absolutely love what she wrote here:

…as I’ve observed my garden over the years, I have noticed something. In the seasons, we find balance. The seasons allow my garden to rest and grow at just the right time, and it’s the same with our lives. The seasons teach us how to do life well, revealing a life-giving rhythm; we flourish through intentional periods of STILLNESS, growth, hard work, AND REST. We need this rhythm in our days, in our weeks, and in our everything.”

Climbing can look different to all of us. But to me, it means trusting where my feet go. If some days my feet are absolutely still and firmly going nowhere, I can lift my arms and ask Him to carry me. I don’t need to skip steps because there truly is a process; God designed my climb with extreme wisdom and absolute care. Even though many days will undoubtedly be tough, I know that I NEED to trust His process.

When You Don't Feel Ready

How did you know you were ready?

Have you heard that before? In relation to having children, or settling on your degree, or getting married; this is a common question I often hear. And honestly? It's a question I still ask myself in relation to a LOT of things. 

I recently listened to Dale Partidge's Startup Camp podcast and he was interviewing Pastor Steven Furtick. I had a long drive from Louisville to Wilmore, Kentucky and I turned it on right as my behind was getting super sore, my eyes a little fuzzy, and when I needed a boost of energy for the miles to go. 

'You will NEVER feel ready', was one of the many quotes that I audibly and to myself, agreed with. Dale related this to the day they were being released from the hospital with their first child and I laughed. My husband and I often remember this exact day and moment for us with our first born, Pierson. "We get to just take him HOME? And no one is going to stop us?" We felt slightly panicked and nervous; there was no user manual or 'one right way' that we would parent this boy. We didn't know anything about breastfeeding or burping or which of his cries meant what. We just had to DO it--be parents. Day by day, hour by hour, and as we buckled him in the carseat [seriously SHOCKED that no one was standing by to ensure that we were doing it correctly], that was just the beginning of the scares and thrills of parenting we'd endure. He hasn't even started kindergarten yet, I can only imagine the things we are about to experience. 

How did we know we were ready to have kids? We didn't. Because we still aren't ready. We aren't ready for the failures we'll endure, the heart ache they'll go through, or the immeasurable amounts of money that will be spent on them as the years pass by. We don't feel ready, but we can still trust. And I think God says, sweetly, not vindictively, "Daughter, just you wait." 

Beyond children and the typical scenarios this question is most often related to, in my heart of hearts there's something that I don't quite feel ready for--even though I'm already doing it: 

this. 

This season of quiet; this season of being still. The waiting, listening, praying, and being more present and open than ever. 

When I talk dreams to my husband, I tell him that it's like having a million little houses placed all around my brain. There's the photographer house, blogger, writer, mom, wife, teacher... the travel house, michigan house, and horse farm house. And just like that, they keep multiplying. A visionary is a much nicer label for what someone like me IS, but really and truly, I'm a dreamer, and it's not always a good thing. It's like God gave me all of these things and right now, I can't for the life of me figure out what the ONE thing is. But at the same time, I do. 

For an entire year, God blessed me with amazing clients and some really awesome collaborations. Why? Because I asked Him to. I wanted to take some time out of the classroom to stay home with my kids before our son starts kindergarten (which is in a mere six months, choking back tears here!) While I was teaching, I was basically working seven days a week with the photo sessions and product photography and blog posts that I was getting paid to do. So all of that honestly felt like extra; on the side, abundant, excessive, and really pretty awesome. And now, here I am. Home. The money is all in our savings, every other week my husband pulls what I need as a 'paycheck' to cover our expenses and bills, and I'm here. I am not what you would call 'hustling.' The emails are few and far between, photography sessions are kind of stagnant, and I went from doing it all, to feeling like that's almost vanished. My brain is spinning and I have a lot of questions, but I can faintly here the whisper again, "Daughter, just you wait." 

'You don't have a lot of vision when you start,' Steven said. 'But the challenge is believing when you see nothing,' he told Dale. Right now, Motherhood is calling. I asked to be MOM, and to have that be my sole responsibility, and God answered. But I don't have a lot of vision for this coming year or what life will look like. I don't have people knocking down my door to take pictures or to write for them; I don't have huge companies asking for a partnership. And I think that's because God is asking me to water what I DO have, even though I'm not sure what will come up. We've been looking for a new house for TWO years, y'all. That is a VERY long time. My heart is quenched with thirst for land and open space. I want to see horses in our backyard and actually, I want to SIT with my horses IN my backyard. While I drove through Versailles and into the cute and quaint Wilmore, Kentucky, tears swelled in my eyes. Foals ran next to their mothers, horses were rolling on their backs in the morning dew, some were sleeping lying down and I said aloud, "This, God. This is what you created me for." 

But my 'visionary' self isn't always very realistic. If I could sell my house and move to the middle of nowhere and not worry about jobs or money or bills and budgets, I would. Because in my fantasy world, I'd put on a cotton dress, hang our linens on a clothesline, pick fresh eggs from the chicken coop with my children, play tag in the pastures with our horses, and it would all be perfectly peachy keen. And then I would end up in JAIL because I wouldn't be able to make payments on our car, student loans, house, or medical bills. Thank God my husband can simultaneously push me forward to keep dreaming, as well as draw me back into patience and prayer.

There's a process here, and even though on quiet days it's sometimes the hardest to hear, I am being told, "Daughter, just you wait." 

If money were no object, I would own a horse farm and do equine therapy with troubled youth and special needs children. I would use our farm to bring fellowship and community throughout whatever zip code we lived in. Asa and I would love people, raise our children, and ride horses. I would do photography whenever I wanted, write all the time, and it would be simple. 

But money is obviously something that *most* of us do have to factor in. So while I have a huge chunk of freedom not working five days a week, I'm going to try hard not to worry about why things are quiet, and instead thank God that they are. My days consist of mothering and shepherding two young souls; a strenuous yet magical task. Whatever the Lord tells me next, I have a feeling it's going to be beautiful. Ready or not, He WILL pave the way, and He will make our path known. When you don't feel ready, just trust. 

Hurry Up to Wait

"Hurry UP!" I'll often say as I backseat drive with Asa (my husband). "You could have made it through that light," I've sighed. The cars in front of us are at a stand-still behind a train. "You want me to hurry up just to wait?" he'll respond.

I do this ALL. THE. TIME. Hurry up to wait. I'm impatient! I know it is obnoxious and far from righteous! I try to be a good listener, and most of the time I think my friends would vouch that I am; but when it comes to actions and time on the clock, I hurry. I'll catch myself on walks with the kids, "Hurry up, Reese," I'll rush my two-year old on our way to the playground. Why am I hurrying her? She's a 'stop and smell the roses' kinda girl, but what's wrong with that when we just have time to kill before Dad is home? Climbing in and out of the car, "Hurry up!" I'll exclaim to my still small toddlers. I know they're doing their best, that their tiny legs can only move so fast. I know I need to chill OUT.

And now I am at a point in my life where what I hear God say is this: just wait and just LISTEN.

Okay, God, I'll wait. And I'll listen. But then I forgot to adhere to that promise.

Do you want in on a little secret? Okay it's not little--it's actually huge. And I've been trying to contain my excitement but it's time to just let that loose: next school year, I get to just be Mom. Yup! Next school year I am taking some time off from teaching to focus first on my kids + in the midst of it, I'll get to dig deeper into photography + writing. There are still some kinks to work out, but for the most part, it is looking like after September I'll be able to take some time off to focus on these things. And I know I have heard God's voice in this direction. My husband has heard God's voice in this direction; and together we've decided, this just makes sense! Will it be breezy? Not at all! And our bank account will obviously be the deciding factor of when I need to return to the classroom... but this is the first time in a VERY long time that I have heard His voice say, 'Go ahead and jump. You can't see the future, but I can. And I'll walk with you every step of the way in figuring it out.'

But beyond this, which mind you is HUGE... I'm waiting to hear His voice. Let's be real--being honest is difficult. It's awkward, it kind of makes us want to gag, and social media for the most part, portrays the opposite of authenticity. But in this space, I promised to strive to be real and raw. I would write my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts and then I would take a leap by sharing it with YOU. So honestly? I'm at a weird time in my life. My friendships feel weird, our church situation is weird, my goals and hopes, it all just feels out of sorts.

Let's start with friendships:
I grew up with the best friends EVER. A group of girls and I have known each other since we were teeny, tiny four-year-olds. We went to church together, school together, lived at each others houses and then when eighteen hit, we all moved away. Different colleges, states, phases of life... some have kids, others don't. Some are married while others remain single. Though we're all the same age, we are all in a different phase of life. We keep in touch; texts, e-mails, sporadic phone calls, but obviously, it's different. I've written before about seasons of friendships--God has blessed me generously with women throughout time, that were all there at the right time. When I entered my first pregnancy, I had women within the church who were having babies at the same time. There were hundreds of middle of the night texts, sob-fests to each other, venting speals and at the end of the day, I knew they were by my side and could understand when it felt no one else could. The same went for my second pregnancy, a couple women who were always just there. But now I'm in a different stage; two toddlers, our church family has drastically changed, we are busy working parents and I have been missing so badly, having a close-knit group of girlfriends. I know I can call, text, comment on Instagram to ANY of the sweet women in my life, but my heart longs for that one girl. Have you ever watched Grey's Anatomy? Please say yes... Meredith calls Christina Yang, 'her person.' That's their theme, their friendship, how we as viewers refer to them. Maybe it's not practical for an almost twenty-eight-year old married woman/mom of two kids, but I want it--the type of friendship that knows when to bring a pint of ice cream over to empathize or the bottle of champagne to celebrate. I long for this, but a friendship like that takes TIME. It take lots of pursuing, lots of patience and lots of grace. Friendships are NOT to be hurried because if they become that way, usually they fizzle out. So: I've been asking the Lord to steer my heart, give me peace in my current relationships, and to just help me wait. ("Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act."- Psalm 37:7)

And now, Church:
Years ago, Asa and I left the Church he was raised in for twenty + years. There was a LOT that went into that deciding factor and for the first year of our marriage, we argued a LOT over theology, scripture, and how we understood these things. We walked in to a college church plant back in 2010 and after hearing the pastor speak, we both knew we had heard God say, "This is your new home." It was during that year that we also heard Him tell us that buying our first home in one of the worst zip codes in the nation, was His will. After our first walk-through in the house (which I knew I wanted just from the photos), we walked around the park. We watched a teenage girl get tackled by her mom and seconds later, police officers were crowded around. Tears streamed down my face not because I was scared, but because my heart was screaming, "You are needed HERE." Shortly after we purchased it, a prostitute broke into our home as I nursed my newborn son. My husband was getting groceries, she was strung out on drugs and as one arm shielded Pierson (my son), the other pointed her to the back door. Instead of feeling like it was time to look elsewhere for home-sweet-home, both Asa and I heard our Lord say, "I am here." Back to what this means for me church wise--I love our church. I love the people who call it home and our pastors have started an incredible mission. Recently though, we went through a merger and while I understand why it was necessary, my heart has been grieving the surplus of friends and families who have left. Before the merger, my heart had already experienced this; as lots of our friends made the decision to find somewhere else that had larger kids' ministries. I got it, we were still largely a College Church at this time, but our kids were young enough where they were still doing okay and loving where we were at. Zero for Two: that's how I have been feeling. I've said so many goodbyes and I have lost contact with so many people who were dear to my heart. I'm just at a weird place figuring out where God has ME in all of this. Where do I fit in? Where is my calling? Where am I needed? Regardless, this is not a decision to be rushed--church seeking or deciding. It's a matter that needs to be prayed upon, continuously; it is something that requires a ton of discussion and then honestly, a period of waiting. So: I have been asking Him to be my voice, to guide my spirit and that he will fulfill the immense void that I feel. ("I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for he has promised."-Psalm 105:5)

The In Between's:
How often have you heard me joke that all I want for Christmas is a horse? Except that it's not a joke... my heart beats everything horse! If you have ever been to the Kentucky Derby Museum with me, then you've actually witnessed me tear up in their wrap-around movie theater, where they play the movie The Greatest Race. Horses are the reason I moved from Michigan to Kentucky and they've always been my happy place. My heart longs for open fields, an old barn and a horse or two to house inside it. I want my kids to grow up opening their back door without worrying about a car flying past them. For barn kittens to be loved on, chickens to gather eggs from and a front porch worth sitting on as we sip coffee and overlook the pastures. As I approach my tenth year in this city (WHOA!) none of that is yet feasible. We've looked endlessly at properties on 1+ acre but every single thing has been unrealistic and out of our price range. Sometimes I get so down in the dumps, and I fear that my dream will never be a reality...This passion doesn't go away, it has not yet been stifled and honestly, over the years it's a fire that has burned even hotter inside my heart. But it is not something that I can rush. With our family practically going to one income next year, I know that this dream probably needs to be put on hold even longer. Maybe God will totally surprise us, but waiting for answers is a necessary step. Time, money, location... all such huge factors that at times, have me so restless. ("Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take courage, yes, wait for Him."-Psalm 27:14)