I'll Keep Climbing Anyway

The last few years I haven’t made resolutions as much as I have prayed about a WORD for the year. This year as I was browsing Pinterest, I came to a quote that had CLIMB at the top of it, and this as the text:

“You are exactly where you are meant to be right now. Do not compare your journey to anyone else’s; yours is a WILDLY different journey up an entirely different mountain. If you were meant to be higher up your mountain, you would be. There might be more you need to learn from this spot before you can keep climbing. There might be something you need to see HERE before you continue forward. Maybe you are simply meant to REST before the journey ahead. Regardless of where you are on your path, know that the rest of your story will unfold when it is time. Until then, enjoy your beautifully unique CLIMB.

-Walk the Earth

This quote spoke to me on such a real level. So much so, that I shared with my high school students and several asked me for a print out of it; I think the words are so raw and relatable to SO many. As a full time teacher and small business(es) owner, I tend to easily become fairly (very) overwhelmed and stressed. As an entrepreneur I am always striving for ways to bring in extra income, and for my side jobs to be successful. As the New Year approached, I thought about having ‘grow’ or ‘succeed’ be my words for the upcoming year…and then I realized that felt like WAY too much pressure. My husband thought that I really needed to pray on the notion of ‘rest…’ I am pretty constantly go, go, going in my mind and with my work. And while I do agree with that, I DO need to rest more and be able to shut off my work mode; I think that can apply to the above quote. “Maybe you are simply meant to rest before the journey ahead…” Instead of comparing my journey to others’ this year I am really going to strive to simply embrace the climb, and that goes for ALL areas of my life.

Speaking of the Climb and Life Lately…

You know we basically have a zoo: two dogs, three cats, two horses, and two kids…(do kids count?) Therefore, there will literally ALWAYS be something going on, good and bad. In the past few months, our Golden Retriever started having some urine issues. She is a dog who never had more than two accidents in all of her life, so it was pretty concerning…More than a handful of UTI laters, we decided to have her blood work checked, and God bless our veterinarian, (shout out to Dr. Matt Thompson) for sitting down with me (and calling my husband) to explain his thoughts and what the numbers showed. Ultimately we all concluded that an ultrasound was the safest route to go so that we could see the big picture. I knew before going into the appointment, we would SEE something. I just knew in my heart, maybe because I’m often a ‘worst case scenario’ girl, that there would be. As Elsa lay on her back, acting like an angel per usual, I prayed I would be able to handle the outcome. They looked at her spleen, bladder, kidneys, and then they got to the liver—I heard the word ‘mass’ and tears instantly quietly started to stream. I stroked Elsa’s face and told her over and over what a good and wonderful girl she is. When it was all said and done, Dr. Thompson and I went to the office and talked. He knows me so well that he came up with a plan, and I was fully confident in everything that he said. Our Chocolate Lab Humphrey was diagnosed last Valentine’s Day and I sobbed on the floor of the vet clinic. This year I sat silently, petting Elsa’s head, feeling as though for whatever reason, I needed to be strong for her. The tears will come. Lord help me, I know that they will come.

SO…
In a few weeks, we will do another ultrasound of Elsa’s liver. It could be benign (you know I doubt that…) or it will have grown, and possibly even spread. I am praying that I can handle all of this in stride. “There might be more you need to learn from this spot before you can keep climbing…” I’m not sure what I’m supposed to learn in this season, but I will continue to pray about it and trust that though the tears may be plentiful, the joy will also abound. Elsa isn’t gone yet. I will love her every single second of every single day; I plan on kissing her goodnight every night, and thanking her for being strong.

What does ‘climb’ mean to you? What journey are you currently embarking on? Are you in a season of rest and quiet right now…? Not really sure where 2020 will take you? Have you heard of Christian author Lara Casey? She wrote a new book titled Cultivate and I absolutely love what she wrote here:

…as I’ve observed my garden over the years, I have noticed something. In the seasons, we find balance. The seasons allow my garden to rest and grow at just the right time, and it’s the same with our lives. The seasons teach us how to do life well, revealing a life-giving rhythm; we flourish through intentional periods of STILLNESS, growth, hard work, AND REST. We need this rhythm in our days, in our weeks, and in our everything.”

Climbing can look different to all of us. But to me, it means trusting where my feet go. If some days my feet are absolutely still and firmly going nowhere, I can lift my arms and ask Him to carry me. I don’t need to skip steps because there truly is a process; God designed my climb with extreme wisdom and absolute care. Even though many days will undoubtedly be tough, I know that I NEED to trust His process.

When You Don't Feel Ready

How did you know you were ready?

Have you heard that before? In relation to having children, or settling on your degree, or getting married; this is a common question I often hear. And honestly? It's a question I still ask myself in relation to a LOT of things. 

I recently listened to Dale Partidge's Startup Camp podcast and he was interviewing Pastor Steven Furtick. I had a long drive from Louisville to Wilmore, Kentucky and I turned it on right as my behind was getting super sore, my eyes a little fuzzy, and when I needed a boost of energy for the miles to go. 

'You will NEVER feel ready', was one of the many quotes that I audibly and to myself, agreed with. Dale related this to the day they were being released from the hospital with their first child and I laughed. My husband and I often remember this exact day and moment for us with our first born, Pierson. "We get to just take him HOME? And no one is going to stop us?" We felt slightly panicked and nervous; there was no user manual or 'one right way' that we would parent this boy. We didn't know anything about breastfeeding or burping or which of his cries meant what. We just had to DO it--be parents. Day by day, hour by hour, and as we buckled him in the carseat [seriously SHOCKED that no one was standing by to ensure that we were doing it correctly], that was just the beginning of the scares and thrills of parenting we'd endure. He hasn't even started kindergarten yet, I can only imagine the things we are about to experience. 

How did we know we were ready to have kids? We didn't. Because we still aren't ready. We aren't ready for the failures we'll endure, the heart ache they'll go through, or the immeasurable amounts of money that will be spent on them as the years pass by. We don't feel ready, but we can still trust. And I think God says, sweetly, not vindictively, "Daughter, just you wait." 

Beyond children and the typical scenarios this question is most often related to, in my heart of hearts there's something that I don't quite feel ready for--even though I'm already doing it: 

this. 

This season of quiet; this season of being still. The waiting, listening, praying, and being more present and open than ever. 

When I talk dreams to my husband, I tell him that it's like having a million little houses placed all around my brain. There's the photographer house, blogger, writer, mom, wife, teacher... the travel house, michigan house, and horse farm house. And just like that, they keep multiplying. A visionary is a much nicer label for what someone like me IS, but really and truly, I'm a dreamer, and it's not always a good thing. It's like God gave me all of these things and right now, I can't for the life of me figure out what the ONE thing is. But at the same time, I do. 

For an entire year, God blessed me with amazing clients and some really awesome collaborations. Why? Because I asked Him to. I wanted to take some time out of the classroom to stay home with my kids before our son starts kindergarten (which is in a mere six months, choking back tears here!) While I was teaching, I was basically working seven days a week with the photo sessions and product photography and blog posts that I was getting paid to do. So all of that honestly felt like extra; on the side, abundant, excessive, and really pretty awesome. And now, here I am. Home. The money is all in our savings, every other week my husband pulls what I need as a 'paycheck' to cover our expenses and bills, and I'm here. I am not what you would call 'hustling.' The emails are few and far between, photography sessions are kind of stagnant, and I went from doing it all, to feeling like that's almost vanished. My brain is spinning and I have a lot of questions, but I can faintly here the whisper again, "Daughter, just you wait." 

'You don't have a lot of vision when you start,' Steven said. 'But the challenge is believing when you see nothing,' he told Dale. Right now, Motherhood is calling. I asked to be MOM, and to have that be my sole responsibility, and God answered. But I don't have a lot of vision for this coming year or what life will look like. I don't have people knocking down my door to take pictures or to write for them; I don't have huge companies asking for a partnership. And I think that's because God is asking me to water what I DO have, even though I'm not sure what will come up. We've been looking for a new house for TWO years, y'all. That is a VERY long time. My heart is quenched with thirst for land and open space. I want to see horses in our backyard and actually, I want to SIT with my horses IN my backyard. While I drove through Versailles and into the cute and quaint Wilmore, Kentucky, tears swelled in my eyes. Foals ran next to their mothers, horses were rolling on their backs in the morning dew, some were sleeping lying down and I said aloud, "This, God. This is what you created me for." 

But my 'visionary' self isn't always very realistic. If I could sell my house and move to the middle of nowhere and not worry about jobs or money or bills and budgets, I would. Because in my fantasy world, I'd put on a cotton dress, hang our linens on a clothesline, pick fresh eggs from the chicken coop with my children, play tag in the pastures with our horses, and it would all be perfectly peachy keen. And then I would end up in JAIL because I wouldn't be able to make payments on our car, student loans, house, or medical bills. Thank God my husband can simultaneously push me forward to keep dreaming, as well as draw me back into patience and prayer.

There's a process here, and even though on quiet days it's sometimes the hardest to hear, I am being told, "Daughter, just you wait." 

If money were no object, I would own a horse farm and do equine therapy with troubled youth and special needs children. I would use our farm to bring fellowship and community throughout whatever zip code we lived in. Asa and I would love people, raise our children, and ride horses. I would do photography whenever I wanted, write all the time, and it would be simple. 

But money is obviously something that *most* of us do have to factor in. So while I have a huge chunk of freedom not working five days a week, I'm going to try hard not to worry about why things are quiet, and instead thank God that they are. My days consist of mothering and shepherding two young souls; a strenuous yet magical task. Whatever the Lord tells me next, I have a feeling it's going to be beautiful. Ready or not, He WILL pave the way, and He will make our path known. When you don't feel ready, just trust. 

This is Home

Recently I was sitting in my daughter's rocking chair. She rested on my shoulder, arms around my neck, her breaths collecting warmth in the crook of my collar bone. As I finished her song, You Are My Sunshine, she sleepily looked up at me. As clear and confidently as she could, she whispered, "Mommy, this is home."

"Yes, Reese," I smiled. "This is home." She continued though. "Mommy and Daddy and Pierson and me, we live here. Mommy goes to work, and Daddy works, but this is home. This is my room, and my bed, and my home, forever." I patted her back and for a second I wondered if she felt insecure that perhaps we were going somewhere else. Or maybe she questioned if we would be together, for the rest of our lives?  

But the next night she said it too and so joyfully. I then realized there was something consoling in her words. Through my two-year old baby girl, I was reminded once more, that no matter where we are, what is going on in life, and what position our heart may be in--we are together and together is home. 

Lately I have been pondering, "What are the things that light my soul on fire?" and there are clear, specific thoughts each time: 
-Writing
-Envisioning my future farmhouse, land and horse
-Photos and the stories that they capture
-and my family

Louisville, Kentucky is where I have called home the past ten years. But, I also call Michigan my home. Having been born and raised there, and spending my first eighteen years in a quaint, country town, it will forever be home. I honestly question that we will ever find our 'dream home' in this city or state. I just don't know if it exists and the longer we spend time in the neighborhood we are in, the more I hear the voice of God saying, "You won't live here forever." I have found contentment for the time being, but still, I just don't know. 

Sometimes, having dreams and passions are hard. It's like I have these tiny little video compartments inside my brain, and they're playing in the background all the time. I see the future house, the green grass, the old barn, the horse that runs there and I also see myself sitting at my desk, pencil in hand, journaling often and transferring those thoughts here. But what am I supposed to do with them? Lara Casey says, "Know that this is a process--Put your focus where God wants it, in His timing, not letting fear keep you from taking leaps of faith. Do what matters and forget the rest...there is only ONE path to purpose: Jesus." 

Who KNOWS where we will end up? My husband despises driving through Indiana to get to Michigan but jokes, "Watch... our future horse farm is going to end up being here." (We both DEEPLY hope that's not the case, ha!) But maybe it'll be Tennessee, or back to Michigan, or a completely random state like Texas? And regardless of where the next house is at geographically, regardless of how God allows me to use my gifts, I will trust the path that Jesus walks us down. When we are there and while we are here, I know that I can hold my children and husband's hands and say:

"This is home." 

How is your heart, friends? I am always available to pray for you and with you if you feel like sharing! Send me an e-mail, comment below, or find me on Facebook! And what places or people are home to YOU? 

Through the Stillness

Alright, ya'll. If any of you are big dreamers like myself, then I really think you should run, not walk, to your closest bookstore. Lara Casey wrote a book that honestly, I was attracted to because of the cover... I know, I know--"Don't judge a book by its' cover," right? However, this girl likes pretty things! So, the vibrant colors along with the title, Make it Happen, quickly caught my attention. I haven't opened a book in probably years (yes, that's true and yes, that's sad) but when I began reading this one, I couldn't put it down. She wrote everything that my heart was in need of hearing and she sincerely inspired me to continue dreaming BIG! 

Chapter by chapter I found myself thinking, "This is so me," and "Yes, I can do big things!" When I was a kid, I used to sneak out to the hall night light to read books late at night. I found myself going to bed during our most recent spring break Michigan trip, and I just couldn't sleep. I would turn my bedside night light on, or if my husband was already sawing logs (usually he was), I tiptoed to my parents large upstairs living room. I continued turning pages, finishing chapters and before I knew it, I reached the part she titled: "Evaluate Your Life."

While my kids napped, I slowly read this section of her book and decided to journal my thoughts along the way. "Your worries today can directly affect what you write next, so don't shove them under the table" (148). I mean really, how often do you have a worry or a thought, and just run past it? Not all things are worth worrying over and Matthew 6:34 says, "For do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has its' own trouble."  However, when you are seeking the right words, direction in your thoughts and creative passions, I think it is important to slow down and think through them. Not lose sleep, necessarily; but process. What are you worried about? What do you need to ponder on in order to walk through this season of life effectively? I thought through and responded to some of her prompts that I'll share you with here: 

• How are you feeling physically? 
• What are your thoughts about your workplace? 
• How are your relationships? 
• Are you using God's gifts and how are your creative passions?  
• How is your physical space treating you?  
• How is your relationship with God? 

Do you want to know my BIGGEST dream? The one that I've always deemed 'too big' or 'too grand?'

I want a sixteen hand Thoroughbred horse. I want it to be Bay in color with a little speck of white on his face. I want him to be calm, but spunky. I want to jump hurdles and ride openly through fields and on trails. I want to wake up at six a.m. and greet him in the stall, as he's still lying down from a good night's sleep. I want to kiss his soft muzzle and wrap my arms around his giant neck, as I sit bareback across him. I want to watch my kids lead him across his pasture, to photograph their sweetness as they learn and discover the healing that he brings to their hearts. But I also want a large farmhouse. White, with a wrap around porch. I want to enjoy coffee there with my husband, and watch many sunsets on our horizon. 

But it's too big. 
It's too hard. 
It's too much money. 
It's not possible with our budget. 
I'll be forty before it happens. 
But... 

What if it's not though? What if getting there isn't impossible? What if I trusted Jesus that He created me with the desires burning in my heart for a reason? For HIS reasons?! What if I allowed my faith to move me forward, instead of using it as an excuse to hold me back?  

I've been a city dweller for TEN years now-- TEN! I was the girl lying on a giant trampoline, alone, watching the clouds pass overhead. I always had a journal, and I was always writing. My closest neighbors were my family members, My brother and I romped through corn fields and picked soybeans when the seasons changed. We were barefoot, always, as we chased and dreamed. And now it's quite the opposite: I've gotten used to a three mile drive to the grocery store, a Target within ten minutes, and I can almost reach out our windows to touch the neighbors' houses. My heart longs for things of my past, but the city has also done me well. 

Instead of telling myself that my biggest dreams can't happen, I am learning whole-heartedly what patience and contentment in our current life looks and feels like. I am way more at peace this year than I was last. I check Zillow and Realtor.com weekly, but I'm also okay giving this huge chunk of my heart to God. Lara said, "Stillness is hard, isn't it? We don't want to be still...But stillness enables us to move forward with a purpose. It allows us to be intentional instead of reactionary" (154).  

What are you waiting for? What does your heart beat for? Maybe it is to climb up the corporate ladder? Maybe it's trying to figure out what Motherhood looks like in this current season? Maybe it's wedding or event planning. Maybe it's the opposite of mine and you long to move TO the city! I can only share with you because I am in the learning phase of this myself, but while waiting is difficult, it is also so important! During this season, God is doing SO much work on your heart and in your soul, if you can just let Him. It is incredibly hard for me to believe that He actually wants to give me my dream horse and house, but what if He does? I've decided to dig deeper and to believe that my fear of failure and disappointment should never outweigh the possibilities of the future.  

God is good, friends. Always. Even and especially when you may not feel it. I'm praying for you and I more than welcome you to pray for me as well. (Hey, maybe you know someone who wants to donate a beautiful horse farm my way!? Ha ha!) 

Here's to uncomfortable waiting. To the unknown, to the stagnant pauses that make us wince. Here's to big things happening in our lives, to dreaming and believing because we were created for SO MUCH MORE!