A Letter to My Ten Year Old Girl

Dear Daughter,

Wow. Ten whole beautiful years of loving you. Of being your Mama. Of watching you grow and learn and live and love. You and I, dear girl, are quite the pair. God knew I needed you, more than I ever could have fathomed. When I learned I was pregnant with you, I had a seven month old baby napping upstairs. I cried because I couldn’t believe it…I cried because I didn’t feel ready. But the moment I found out that little baby on the ultrasound screen was a baby girl, everything started making sense. I. needed. you.

Sure you make me want to pull my hair out at times—your stubborn willful self is an awful lot like mine. But even after you and I may have a disagreement, I always know we will be okay. You’ve been a Mama’s Girl since the day you were born, and still today, at ten years old, you are. You’ll go to bed earlier if it means “Mom can tuck you in.” If it means Mom can lie with you, read, pray, tickle your back and listen to a song while holding your hand. Right now, you still feel you “need” that. And I can’t help but wonder how long that will last? “She won’t always like me…” I’ve said to myself.

Moms and daughters, Reese, often struggle. Maybe it’s when daughters start really coming into their own self and begin to have strong differing opinions or thoughts than their moms? Maybe it’s when daughters decide that their moms know nothing and just ‘don’t understand?’ I don’t think there is a magic age and perhaps I will be entirely wrong, but I keep expecting us to struggle. I guess even if you don’t have months or years where you just don’t want to be ‘close’ to me, I do know that we WILL struggle. But guess what? When we do, I will still need you. And I hope you will still need me.

I spent most of my life racing. By racing I mean wishing for the next thing—I wished to grow UP from a young age, and in many ways, as a kid I did grow up pretty fast. I think being the youngest sibling to a brother with severe special needs can do that. I couldn’t wait to drive, to finish high school. I couldn’t wait for college to move to Kentucky and to begin pursuing my dreams. I wished and I wished and I wished. Then God surprised me with YOU, and then time started to actually fly by. I found myself wishing for more of it…for it to slow down…for it to STOP even, like it could have a pause button, and I could freeze exactly where my kids were at in certain different moments. But we can’t do that, can we, Sis? Time is fleeting and I have said that from the very beginning of YOUR time.

You are so excited to be double digits. And you should be! You’re officially a “pre-teen” now and while I may not feel ready, YOU definitely are and regardless, it’s happening. If there is one thing I wish I could help you do though…it would be to try to stay present in the time you are in. Where ARE you right NOW? Let me tell you, dear girl.

You are perfectly, positively, YOU. You are such your own little person, with your own thoughts and personality and character and charm. You’re not me, or your dad, or your brother, or your friends—you are YOU and I pray you continue to love that little girl inside of you. You love deeply and have the gifts of empathy and compassion. This is your last year at the school your dad works at, 5th grade—recently it dawned on you that after this year, he will be “alone” at school, and you cried for him. Your heart is as big as the ocean, sweet girl.

You’re artistic and creative. You are genuinely funny and make me laugh out loud. You LOVE to dance and make videos. You’re discovering the world of makeup and flared jeans and skincare routines. I’ve worked hard to not display negativity around you when it comes to getting ready, or when trying on clothes. I know you are already sometimes struggling with looks and appearance and ‘what will people think…’ and I have taught you to remember the little girl inside of you. How would you talk to her? Would you be mean or hurtful or unkind? Of course not!! So I hope and pray DAILY that you will love yourself WELL. That you will find gentleness inside for the girl on the outside. Life is hard, Baby girl. But I hope you don’t yet know or realize HOW hard it is.

I look back at pictures, memories from Facebook, and I can’t help but beam. You are very much the same girl that you were when you were 6 months old, 12 months old, 2 years old, 4 years old, and beyond. You’ve been our WOO GIRL from the very beginning—an ER doctor actually was the one to describe you as that! When the sedation couldn’t really make you drowsy when they were going to stitch up your forehead as a toddler, the doctor exclaimed, “Boy you have a real woo girl on your hands!” One of my friends said she can see you being a CEO one day. You are strong. Determined. A go getter. And I don’t ever see that changing.

You might be mad at me for writing this next part, but I just have to. This space has been very much like an ‘online journal’ to me for many, many years. Recently you told your dad that you had seen a boy you had a crush on, in passing at school. You were so giddy about it and cute. You said the boy had nodded at you and smiled. Dad said, “How did that make you feel?” You replied, “My insides got all warm and fuzzy!!!” Oh Reese Elisabeth…I’m not ready for the seasons with boys. For the worries and wonders that will automatically come with that. But it’s okay—we aren’t there quite yet. When we ARE there, I hope you know that I am always here. You can ask me ANYthing, ANY time. I hope as you grow older, that you don’t shy away from your parents advice, and that you won’t ever, ever feel you have to hide. In all of your emotions, wonders, worries, and hormones, I AM HERE.

Last but not least, Brené Brown wrote, “We have to be women we want our daughters to be.” Elisabeth, you have seen first hand that I am far from perfect. I pray and hope so much though, that through my career of loving and teaching kids of all ages, mentoring young girls, coaching young girls, working incredibly hard in horse ownership and a photography business—I hope and pray that you see a woman you are proud of. I hope you see a woman who loves Jesus and who has trusted HIM with her whole life. Who though has been diagnosed with a serious medical condition, STILL chooses to trust and depend on Him. I hope you see a woman who loves her family and would do anything for them. A wife who has been head over heels with her husband for over fifteen years now! And I don’t want you to be ME, sweet girl, because I fully believe one day, you are going far surpass whatever ounce of greatness I may have.

Happy 10th Birthday, dear Daughter. I love you more than this post or any number of words could relay. Thank you for being mine, thank you for being such a friend and for needing me and truly loving me all of these TEN years.

Love,

Mama

Mid Year, Mid Life, Mid 30's?!

That number feels super weird coming out of my mouth. 35. Thirty-FIVE? Officially MID thirties now, right!? Everyone said that ’30’s is awesome,’ buuuut is it….? Let’s see. Maybe reflecting on this phenomona will help me realize it….

I got my first HORSE when I turned 30. Dream come true. 

I lost my dream job I never knew was my dream job (voluntarily, that still counts.) Boo. 

I got diagnosed with MS. Weird. Tough. Kinda shocking.

I got to meet pregnant teens and mamas and establish meaningful and longterm relationships with several of them. What a cool opportunity!! 

We have fallen in love with our church, Northeast Christian, and are meeting new friends. 

I ran my self-made mini marathon in my 30’s all by myself, that was cool. 

I lived through a pandemic in my 30’s. Weird. Sad. Thankful for healthcare.

I started intentional and semi intense therapy for myself, and my marriage, in my 30’s. That’s been eye opening. 

My son got accepted into the best middle school in the district, state really, and I teach there for part of my work day. Pretty darn neat. 

I had some really fun and cool partnerships these past few years, and have done well photography speaking. That’s awesome. 

Had my first spinal tap, suffered immensely from the post lumbar migraine, and I NEVER want to live through that again..

Got a new tattoo on my bday last year, definitely want another. 

Kinda weird, but 35 means a whole new age demographic. I’ve surpassed 25-34 and now I’m in the 35-44 range! It feels weird to tell my students that I’m 35 or that I just had my 35th birthday, in which most say, “You don’t look that old!!” THAT old. 

But you know what? I feel like these days and with SOME things, I’m thinking more clearly. Like I can say, “look, this is me being transparent and honest and this is me.” Facing a brand new medical diagnosis was a huuuuge eye opener for me, and it was also one that showed me the greatness of God. Could I be mad and upset that I HAVE this disease? Sure! But instead I see how vastly He is has worked in my favor. Every time I lift weight and run and ride my horses, I thank Him. So this birthday I have decided that that’s statement I feel for myself regarding turning ‘another year older…’ grateful. Grateful for another year. For my health. For the Lord doing ginormous things in my sometimes mundane life. I am grateful for my family and my friends who surround and love me. There will always be another birthday to freak out about or become weirdly reflective during—but each year I HOPE I can always see how far I’ve come and that I’ll be GRATEFUL for all the steps it took to get there.

2023, Here We Go!

2022 started with Asa testing positive for Covid. His Facebook status (which he rarely EVER updates), read this:

For the new year, I thought I’d do something I’ve never done. Tested positive for COVID today. Is it 2023 yet?

To which I responded: 

Hey, don’t wish away our year. 2022 is gonna have crisis, heartache, drama, stress, tears and more. But it’s ALSO going to have laughter, hugs, newness, excitement, and JOY. I love you!!!! I am sooooooo sorry you are so sick and that this break has been prettyyyyyyy miserable. You and we’ve got this!

He responded, “Ashley, it better be good!” and I said (yes, this is a lot of back and forth)... “It might not be? But we can handle anything together.” 

Today was the memory of that status. He scoffingly said, “Boy were you right, Ash!” I remember how I felt this time last year. That 2022 was a new year, I was excited about it, but knew that like all years, there would be challenges that came our way. Did I ever guess that would include being diagnosed with a severe autoimmune disease? Of course not. But NONE of us know the ‘hand we will be dealt,’ right? I feel like every single year for the rest of our forever (here on Earth anyway), is going to guarantee these things: 

Heartache. Laughter. Hope. Despair. Grief. Love. Friendships. Loss. Challenges. Accomplishments. Failure. Achievements. Smiles. Tears. And maybe it’ll all repeat, maybe not? 

And I also know this: If we stay united with Christ, and with each other, it will ALL be okay. So how about 2023? What’s next?

This year I didn’t set any MASSIVE goals. I don’t need to run a certain or set number of miles, I simply want to ‘increase my miles.’ Would I love to run 10-13 miles again without stopping? Sure! Right now I can do a solid 3-4 and I’m happy to maintain that for a little bit, and then I want to pick it up. Since finding out I HAVE MS, that alone has made my workouts way more doable and enjoyable. I find myself thanking God that I CAN do them, whereas before, I took a lot of runs and lifting workouts for granted. 

I also want to make more friends at our church (and really just in general, with Christ loving people.) We’ve attended our church a few years, since the Pandemic really, and while we know a handful of people, we aren’t fully plugged IN, if that makes sense. I am craving deep and meaningful friendship. I was never in a sorority, I don’t live in the same state I grew up in, and frankly since having to move churches several times throughout our marriage, that has made friendship hard! Oh and the fact that I got married as a sophomore in college / 20-year old…ha. Today a neighbor of ours texted, “I know it’s last minute but we are making a charcuterie board and some simple pasta. Would you guys want to come over for dinner?” and I died inside. Kidding–but I was so sad we couldn’t make it! I told my husband this was my dream friendship right in front of me. A charcuterie board, pasta, and amazing people!? YES, PLEASE! PS: Motherhood / Adulting / Friends = tricky to maintain and manage, at least for ME. 

My other hopes for this year are that I will read more, and that I will grow significantly in my walk with God. I want to read more books about Him, learning about His character and who HE is. I want to decrease screen time, and believe we should ALL be doing that. Today our pastor encouraged us that as a congregation, our goals should have rhythms AND restrictions, and I couldn’t agree more. For instance:

*Rhythms: daily prayerful engagement with Scripture 

*Restrictions: limit quality and quantity of screen intake 

Nothing was huge or out of the norm as far as setting my goals for 2023. I have seen how EASY it is to walk away, and I do not want to do that. I long for our family to be so deeply rooted in Christ loving friendships and community, and that together we will be rooted in Him. No one said the year will be easy, and it won’t be. But as I said above, if we stay united with Christ, and with each other, it will ALL be okay. (My dad loves to say, “It’ll all be good,” and it makes me smile.)

(Does this feel like a big, giant spoken ‘prove me wrong’ God, to anyone else?? I tend to be on the superstitious side sometimes, where I am scared to say things aloud because then they so freakishly HAPPEN?? That I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t kinda freaked myself out with this post.) 

What about you, Friend? Wanna share your 2023 goals with me? Feel free to email me or find me on Insta to connect and say hello! Whatever your aspirations are, I pray you well and thank you for sticking around in my little corner of the internet!

Let's Make the 2021 Derby Winning Burger!

Y’all love recipes so I am here to DELIVER! The Kentucky Derby is SATURDAY, hello!!? That is amazing and it is one of my very favorite times of the year. If you’ve been here long enough you probably remember that I moved to Kentucky FROM Michigan at the age of eighteen in hopes of becoming a jockey. What!?? Sure did. I worked at Churchill Downs my Freshman year of college at U of L and what an experience it was. Obviously I’m not a jockey…and now owning my own off the track Thoroughbred I kinda have a love/hate relationship with the sport?? But still! This time of year is SO FUN, especially when you live here!

So let’s chat about the running for the 2021 Derby Burger Challenge. Judges selected the top 8 burgers and voting happened online—guidelines included judging for creativity, burger descriptions (photos + videos that would make the judges crave a TASTE), and ease of preparation.

DING DING DING!!! Want to know which burger WON???

A burger made by Brian Capps of Louisville, KY!!! His burger, made with 100% Kentucky Cattlemen’s ground beef is packed with FLAVOR. The patty is topped with brie, thick-cut bacon, a blueberry bourbon sauce and arugula - all on a brioche bun. So leave it to Asa, to completely re-create this dish, and to do it to a TEE. I am not typically a cheeseburger gal, I’m going to be 100000% honest. I have preferred veggie burgers the past five years (if not more) when Asa makes burgers in our household. But when he made this one, I literally could NOT resist. I firmly believe it was the Kentucky Cattlemen’s ground beef that made the biggest difference. On top of that, the blueberry bourbon sauce is to die for, not to mention the brie (I’m definitely a cheese gal…) and the delicious crispy bacon.

We think YOU should make it! And I want to hear all about it when you do. Who is up for the challenge? I knowwww I have a lot of women following/reading here whose men love to grill and whip up some burgers; so why not try this one in honor of our 147th Kentucky Derby!

INGREDIENTS
1 pound Kentucky Cattlemen’s Ground Beef or 1 package Kentucky Cattlemen’s Ground Beef Patties 
4 slices cooked thick cut bacon, halved 
1  wheel of brie cheese, rind removed, sliced ¼ inch thick 
1  pint fresh blueberries 
1 lemon, halved 
1/8 cup white sugar 
2 tsp. cornstarch 
1 1/2 tsp. bourbon 
2 - brioche buns 
2 Tbsp. salted butter 
Arugula
¼ tsp. course kosher salt 
¼ tsp. coarse black pepper

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HOW TO MAKE IT
1. Form ground beef into two patties that are slightly larger than your buns, set aside. Preheat a cast iron skillet over medium heat. Add butter and sliced buns, cook until golden brown, set aside. 

2. Salt & pepper both sides of burger patty, cook over medium heat in cast iron skillet. Cook until internal temperature reaches 160°F degrees, turn off heat add cheese and cover with lid until melted. Remove to a plate to rest. 

3. Add blueberries to small pot, add sugar, and juice from half of a lemon, cook on med/low heat for 5-7 minutes, stirring occasionally. Mix cornstarch with just enough water to become a slurry. Slowly add just enough slurry to thicken blueberry mixture slightly. Remove mixture from the heat and stir in the Bourbon. 

4. Build burger: Place bottom bun down, add burger patty with brie cheese, bacon and pour some blueberry sauce over bacon until it runs off, add arugula and top bun.

That recipe is straight from Kentucky Cattlemen’s Beef website, who we were privileged to partner with when making this divine burger, and one thing I want to add, is that the QUALITY of your beef MATTERS. Both Asa and I have noticed a huge difference when we use Kentucky Cattlemen’s ground beef, as opposed to when we don’t, and this is completely authentic on my behalf (they haven’t sponsored this particular blog post!) We paired the burger with a side of curly fries, and while it’s pretty rare for me to completely clear my dinner plate? I definitely cleared this one.

Fun fact if ya wanna be lazy and NOT make this? This exact burger will be served at 80/20 @ Kaelin’s as a featured menu item from 4/21 – 5/2!

So what do you think?? Are you making this? Share in the comments if you’re game or if you’re gonna go grab it at a local restaurant :)