A Letter to My Ten Year Old Girl

Dear Daughter,

Wow. Ten whole beautiful years of loving you. Of being your Mama. Of watching you grow and learn and live and love. You and I, dear girl, are quite the pair. God knew I needed you, more than I ever could have fathomed. When I learned I was pregnant with you, I had a seven month old baby napping upstairs. I cried because I couldn’t believe it…I cried because I didn’t feel ready. But the moment I found out that little baby on the ultrasound screen was a baby girl, everything started making sense. I. needed. you.

Sure you make me want to pull my hair out at times—your stubborn willful self is an awful lot like mine. But even after you and I may have a disagreement, I always know we will be okay. You’ve been a Mama’s Girl since the day you were born, and still today, at ten years old, you are. You’ll go to bed earlier if it means “Mom can tuck you in.” If it means Mom can lie with you, read, pray, tickle your back and listen to a song while holding your hand. Right now, you still feel you “need” that. And I can’t help but wonder how long that will last? “She won’t always like me…” I’ve said to myself.

Moms and daughters, Reese, often struggle. Maybe it’s when daughters start really coming into their own self and begin to have strong differing opinions or thoughts than their moms? Maybe it’s when daughters decide that their moms know nothing and just ‘don’t understand?’ I don’t think there is a magic age and perhaps I will be entirely wrong, but I keep expecting us to struggle. I guess even if you don’t have months or years where you just don’t want to be ‘close’ to me, I do know that we WILL struggle. But guess what? When we do, I will still need you. And I hope you will still need me.

I spent most of my life racing. By racing I mean wishing for the next thing—I wished to grow UP from a young age, and in many ways, as a kid I did grow up pretty fast. I think being the youngest sibling to a brother with severe special needs can do that. I couldn’t wait to drive, to finish high school. I couldn’t wait for college to move to Kentucky and to begin pursuing my dreams. I wished and I wished and I wished. Then God surprised me with YOU, and then time started to actually fly by. I found myself wishing for more of it…for it to slow down…for it to STOP even, like it could have a pause button, and I could freeze exactly where my kids were at in certain different moments. But we can’t do that, can we, Sis? Time is fleeting and I have said that from the very beginning of YOUR time.

You are so excited to be double digits. And you should be! You’re officially a “pre-teen” now and while I may not feel ready, YOU definitely are and regardless, it’s happening. If there is one thing I wish I could help you do though…it would be to try to stay present in the time you are in. Where ARE you right NOW? Let me tell you, dear girl.

You are perfectly, positively, YOU. You are such your own little person, with your own thoughts and personality and character and charm. You’re not me, or your dad, or your brother, or your friends—you are YOU and I pray you continue to love that little girl inside of you. You love deeply and have the gifts of empathy and compassion. This is your last year at the school your dad works at, 5th grade—recently it dawned on you that after this year, he will be “alone” at school, and you cried for him. Your heart is as big as the ocean, sweet girl.

You’re artistic and creative. You are genuinely funny and make me laugh out loud. You LOVE to dance and make videos. You’re discovering the world of makeup and flared jeans and skincare routines. I’ve worked hard to not display negativity around you when it comes to getting ready, or when trying on clothes. I know you are already sometimes struggling with looks and appearance and ‘what will people think…’ and I have taught you to remember the little girl inside of you. How would you talk to her? Would you be mean or hurtful or unkind? Of course not!! So I hope and pray DAILY that you will love yourself WELL. That you will find gentleness inside for the girl on the outside. Life is hard, Baby girl. But I hope you don’t yet know or realize HOW hard it is.

I look back at pictures, memories from Facebook, and I can’t help but beam. You are very much the same girl that you were when you were 6 months old, 12 months old, 2 years old, 4 years old, and beyond. You’ve been our WOO GIRL from the very beginning—an ER doctor actually was the one to describe you as that! When the sedation couldn’t really make you drowsy when they were going to stitch up your forehead as a toddler, the doctor exclaimed, “Boy you have a real woo girl on your hands!” One of my friends said she can see you being a CEO one day. You are strong. Determined. A go getter. And I don’t ever see that changing.

You might be mad at me for writing this next part, but I just have to. This space has been very much like an ‘online journal’ to me for many, many years. Recently you told your dad that you had seen a boy you had a crush on, in passing at school. You were so giddy about it and cute. You said the boy had nodded at you and smiled. Dad said, “How did that make you feel?” You replied, “My insides got all warm and fuzzy!!!” Oh Reese Elisabeth…I’m not ready for the seasons with boys. For the worries and wonders that will automatically come with that. But it’s okay—we aren’t there quite yet. When we ARE there, I hope you know that I am always here. You can ask me ANYthing, ANY time. I hope as you grow older, that you don’t shy away from your parents advice, and that you won’t ever, ever feel you have to hide. In all of your emotions, wonders, worries, and hormones, I AM HERE.

Last but not least, Brené Brown wrote, “We have to be women we want our daughters to be.” Elisabeth, you have seen first hand that I am far from perfect. I pray and hope so much though, that through my career of loving and teaching kids of all ages, mentoring young girls, coaching young girls, working incredibly hard in horse ownership and a photography business—I hope and pray that you see a woman you are proud of. I hope you see a woman who loves Jesus and who has trusted HIM with her whole life. Who though has been diagnosed with a serious medical condition, STILL chooses to trust and depend on Him. I hope you see a woman who loves her family and would do anything for them. A wife who has been head over heels with her husband for over fifteen years now! And I don’t want you to be ME, sweet girl, because I fully believe one day, you are going far surpass whatever ounce of greatness I may have.

Happy 10th Birthday, dear Daughter. I love you more than this post or any number of words could relay. Thank you for being mine, thank you for being such a friend and for needing me and truly loving me all of these TEN years.

Love,

Mama

Rocco, the Healer and the Gift

I have seen a quote floating around that says this,

“ I remember the days I prayed for what I have now.”

Little Girl Ashley is still in disbelief of Grown Up Ashley’s reality: two horses. Two gorgeous, Thoroughbred boys. But that wasn’t ever the plan. That dream of owning just one was fleeting and then just like that, God said, “Here you go.”

Y’all (or most) remember my traumatic fall from Paddy on Mother’s Day, only a month after getting him. 2018 seems like so far behind me and yet it’s still like yesterday. After that fall, I did get back on Paddy, and I was persistent as I tried to become a better rider on him, and become a better rider overall. The truth is though, Paddy in the yard he was living in, was getting more and more aggressive and dangerous to the humans in his life. I’ll never forget when he tore off on a tyrant showing his oats, trying to show all of us in the field “who was boss.” His back hooves came inches from the home owner’s head, and that was it for us. He had become such a liability living in that field with a mare, that I knew he had to go. I also knew that I wasn’t improving in my riding with him. Every spook he had, every time I felt his heart rate pound through him while I sat upon his back, I froze in complete fear. I called my trainer one day after a difficult and scary for me ride, and cried so hard. I told her I thought I had to be done…that this was it, I couldn’t do this.

“Hold on, Ashley,” she said so calmly. (She’s always been my calm since the day I got Paddy basically, and I am so grateful for her still today!) “I think we may have another option horse wise for you…” she said.

We made plans, and I went out to go meet a different horse. ANOTHER tall, chestnut gelding, with a white blaze on his face too. He looked SO similar to Paddy. With his current owner and my trainer we tacked him up and I went for a ride—I cantered freely down a huge open field, we went over some small jumps, and it all came back to me—>I DID know how to ride. I DO know how to ride. The owner told me that she simply wanted him to be loved by a sweet family, one who had kids and who would love him and care for him well. He was a gift to me, and it didn’t take much convincing for me to of course say YES.

So what then, with Paddy? What next? Well, he couldn’t stay where he was, that was for sure. He karate kicked my husband’s thigh, he had charged at he and my children, and he had almost killed the homeowner. Maybe not, but the point was, he couldn’t stay where he was. Little did we know it was just living with a female that had changed him SO much from the Paddy I originally met. . . my trainer suggested keeping him at her farm, and we worked out an arrangement with Rocco to be used as a lesson horse in her program. My board therefore, was a little lighter than expected it may be in moving barn locations. I assumed though, that I would find someone to lease Paddy, or that I would need to find him a new home altogether. I didn’t see how I would ever successfully or confidently be able to ride Paddy. I loved him SO much, and on the ground, he was my heart horse. While I thought I would find him a new home, my heart loved him still so deeply.

I got Paddy in April 2018, and said yes to Rocco in October 2018. Within six months of being brand new to horse ownership…I now had TWO horses!

I began to take lessons on Rocco with my trainer. Before no time, we were trotting, cantering , jumping, and galloping through fields. I started showing him, doing some dressage and jumping. I went trail riding with him at Shelby Trails, I rode him reins free, bridle free, bareback, all of the things. My daughter at first, was obsessed. She would come with me whenever she could, but over time, that changed. It’s okay (I guess..ha), that my kids don’t have the horse gene that I do. They don’t love being at the barn when I go, they bicker and fight and truthfully it’s a lot of work for ME to even have them with me. Especially when they’re together. And these days when Reese comes with me, she gets bored quickly. She’ll ask for a phone or to do her iPad, and I’m left wondering, “how in the world are they my children?” That sounds so harsh, but the truth for me is that it does baffle me how they are so different from me. My friend at the barn says, “It’s okay, Ash, they have their own interests that make them who they are” and I KNOW that’s true. But it’s also hard ;) [I don’t ever want to discredit my family—they have been nothing but supportive of me, a horse crazed girl (woman), and I couldn’t do any of what I’ve done with these horses, without THEM.

The last year, I started feeling the weight of the work and time two horses takes. Last summer as I rode Rocco, I vividly remember thinking, “Maybe I’m not supposed to have two horses anymore…” and then so much guilt and shame and negative thoughts flooded in accusingly saying, “How dare you, Ashley! Why would you ever consider not having both??” Once Paddy normalized, aka hormones went back to normal from living in a field with other geldings, he and I started to grow together again. I started spending time in the round pen with him, doing games and playing and laughing. I began to ride him with my trainer, under supervision at first, and then I got to the place where I could ride him independently. I once thought I’d never be able to canter him through a big and open field, and we’ve now done it many times. He has spooked with me on his back. I have felt his heartbeat anxiously thud beneath me in times he was scared, and yet my fear has dissipated.

Because of Rocco.

Rocco was my healer. My confidence booster. My hero, really, in transforming me as an equestrian. And he has been SO loved by so many other than just me at the barn. His lesson kids love him so much; he’s been used in the summer camp program, and he’s has even done horse shows with kids. Any time he goes to horse shows it seems like people everywhere call out, “Is that Rocco?! It’s Rocco! Awwww, Rocco!” He is so known, and everyone knows how incredible and one of a kind he is. He is patient, tender, loving, and SO smart.

Recently the feeling and thoughts came back, “What if I only had one horse…” Time, money, the kids getting older and busier, it has just felt like a stretch. I dialogued with my trainer and I actually have cried quite a bit at that phrase and nagging question. I kept feeling so much guilt and shame for feeling that way…he was a gift to me, and I didn’t want it to EVER come across that I was ungrateful whatsoever for his Saintly Self. With time and discussion, and LOTS of prayer, I began to feel at peace. Largely because there is a VERY sweet family who has dreamt of having Rocco for several years. These two sweet kids have used him during summer camp the past two summers…after talking with the mom (who is also wife to my horses farrier!) I knew they were his next people.

My gift to them.

My chance to pay it forward. To pass him on.

Nothing will change really, except for ownership. Rocco will now be loved by two little kids whose biggest dreams are to be horse kids. And get this…Rocco has the same birthday as the little boy. Rocco turns twenty on April 9 and Duncan will turn thirteen. How cool and ironic is that?

To those who have blessed me on my journey with my horses (there are so many of you), thank you. Thank you for believing in me, in us, and for never making me feel shamed or less than for downsizing to one horse. I told Paddy recently, “Hey, Buddy… you’re my only horse now, can you believe that…?” As we walked through the field the sun was setting, and I thanked God for the peace He has allowed me to feel. And for the love I have received through SO many in my journey with Rocco.

Without Rocco, I wouldn’t still have Paddy. Without Rocco, I wouldn’t have confidence. Without Rocco, I wouldn’t have experience. Without Rocco, I wouldn’t have trust. Without Rocco, I wouldn’t have the freedom I feel when I am atop either horse. Thank you, Rocco…for being who and what you are.

You were a gift. And you are my healer. Thank you for loving me. For loving your future kids and family. WE ALL LOVE YOU.

xx

2023, Here We Go!

2022 started with Asa testing positive for Covid. His Facebook status (which he rarely EVER updates), read this:

For the new year, I thought I’d do something I’ve never done. Tested positive for COVID today. Is it 2023 yet?

To which I responded: 

Hey, don’t wish away our year. 2022 is gonna have crisis, heartache, drama, stress, tears and more. But it’s ALSO going to have laughter, hugs, newness, excitement, and JOY. I love you!!!! I am sooooooo sorry you are so sick and that this break has been prettyyyyyyy miserable. You and we’ve got this!

He responded, “Ashley, it better be good!” and I said (yes, this is a lot of back and forth)... “It might not be? But we can handle anything together.” 

Today was the memory of that status. He scoffingly said, “Boy were you right, Ash!” I remember how I felt this time last year. That 2022 was a new year, I was excited about it, but knew that like all years, there would be challenges that came our way. Did I ever guess that would include being diagnosed with a severe autoimmune disease? Of course not. But NONE of us know the ‘hand we will be dealt,’ right? I feel like every single year for the rest of our forever (here on Earth anyway), is going to guarantee these things: 

Heartache. Laughter. Hope. Despair. Grief. Love. Friendships. Loss. Challenges. Accomplishments. Failure. Achievements. Smiles. Tears. And maybe it’ll all repeat, maybe not? 

And I also know this: If we stay united with Christ, and with each other, it will ALL be okay. So how about 2023? What’s next?

This year I didn’t set any MASSIVE goals. I don’t need to run a certain or set number of miles, I simply want to ‘increase my miles.’ Would I love to run 10-13 miles again without stopping? Sure! Right now I can do a solid 3-4 and I’m happy to maintain that for a little bit, and then I want to pick it up. Since finding out I HAVE MS, that alone has made my workouts way more doable and enjoyable. I find myself thanking God that I CAN do them, whereas before, I took a lot of runs and lifting workouts for granted. 

I also want to make more friends at our church (and really just in general, with Christ loving people.) We’ve attended our church a few years, since the Pandemic really, and while we know a handful of people, we aren’t fully plugged IN, if that makes sense. I am craving deep and meaningful friendship. I was never in a sorority, I don’t live in the same state I grew up in, and frankly since having to move churches several times throughout our marriage, that has made friendship hard! Oh and the fact that I got married as a sophomore in college / 20-year old…ha. Today a neighbor of ours texted, “I know it’s last minute but we are making a charcuterie board and some simple pasta. Would you guys want to come over for dinner?” and I died inside. Kidding–but I was so sad we couldn’t make it! I told my husband this was my dream friendship right in front of me. A charcuterie board, pasta, and amazing people!? YES, PLEASE! PS: Motherhood / Adulting / Friends = tricky to maintain and manage, at least for ME. 

My other hopes for this year are that I will read more, and that I will grow significantly in my walk with God. I want to read more books about Him, learning about His character and who HE is. I want to decrease screen time, and believe we should ALL be doing that. Today our pastor encouraged us that as a congregation, our goals should have rhythms AND restrictions, and I couldn’t agree more. For instance:

*Rhythms: daily prayerful engagement with Scripture 

*Restrictions: limit quality and quantity of screen intake 

Nothing was huge or out of the norm as far as setting my goals for 2023. I have seen how EASY it is to walk away, and I do not want to do that. I long for our family to be so deeply rooted in Christ loving friendships and community, and that together we will be rooted in Him. No one said the year will be easy, and it won’t be. But as I said above, if we stay united with Christ, and with each other, it will ALL be okay. (My dad loves to say, “It’ll all be good,” and it makes me smile.)

(Does this feel like a big, giant spoken ‘prove me wrong’ God, to anyone else?? I tend to be on the superstitious side sometimes, where I am scared to say things aloud because then they so freakishly HAPPEN?? That I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t kinda freaked myself out with this post.) 

What about you, Friend? Wanna share your 2023 goals with me? Feel free to email me or find me on Insta to connect and say hello! Whatever your aspirations are, I pray you well and thank you for sticking around in my little corner of the internet!

Nacho Island Night!

A few years ago we went to an epic nacho night at our friends house. They have an incredible island (it’s HUGE) and Asa had the idea to wrap it in parchment paper and throw down some nachos. Well, the last year or so hasn’t allowed to us to ya know, hang OUT with friends…so recently we were extra thankful to host our own epic nacho night with another great couple!

We don’t play when it comes to nachos. They are Asa’s favorite food and a huge family favorite. You can make nachos however YOU like, but here’s how Asa does his:

-Sauté onions and brown your Kentucky Cattlemen’s Ground Beef
-Season with your very taco seasoning
-Top with corn, black beans, tomatoes (jalapeños too if you like!)
-And NEVER skimp out on the QUESO, my friends!

Because of the parchment paper, clean up is SUPER easy!! Basically you each claim a corner of the nacho island and then that’s your very own ‘plate!’ It’s genius, it’s fun, and it’s delicious. Tell us when you try this, I want to hear what YOUR favorite nacho toppings are!