Finding God Amidst the Busy

Happy weekend, Ya'll! I'm working through Lysa TerKeurst's book Uninvited and Ladies, if you haven't grabbed your copy yet, PLEASE CHANGE THAT! I'm basically highlighting the heck out of every paragraph because so much of what she says applies to my life, (did she write this book for me?! Because I feel like she did....??)

This line especially has pulled tightly at my heart strings:

"What is holding my attention the MOST is what I'm truly worshipping."

Lately I have been feeling a lot of conviction from that quote. So much, that I brainstormed with my husband through some of my thoughts, and I thought it would be helpful to share with you. If you know me personally, you know that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and am very passionate about the dude I call my Savior. But I think that even if you don't consider yourself a Christian, this is still a good self-check to see what you are focusing on, and to see if you need to set some time aside to take a break from what may be distractions.

Are you a mom? A wife? Maybe you're single and you live alone or with a house full of roommates. Regardless of your answer, how do you start your day? For me, my trusty iPhone is my alarm clock, as I'm sure is true for most of you. My phone is actually MOST things that I need: a calendar, a scrapbook, a notepad and journal--it's where I can read my devotionals [though I often forget] and even my Bible. But the first thing I find myself doing when I tap snooze on the screen, is to open Instagram and then Facebook, and mindlessly scroll through social media. NOT because those things are super uplifting or encouraging, not because I'm overly concerned with how many 'likes' a post received the night prior, but because I'm not thinking. OR sometimes it's because I AM thinking, but I'm thinking about the wrong things. Did so and so leave me a comment, or did so and so respond to my message?

"We have to remember that where we pay attention matters more than we know. Our minds and hearts are like dry sponges. What we focus on is what we will soak in and saturate us."

What do you do before bed? What's the LAST thing you look at on and focus on? Your phone or device? Because for me, once again, late at night, the kids are asleep, my husband's fallen asleep (because let's face it, as soon as his head hits the pillow he's blessed to be snoring), and as tired as my mind or heart may be, I can't quickly fall asleep. Every. single. night--I search houses for sale (there are NONE), I peruse Instagram, and I check Facebook.

Is that WRONG of me? No, not really. I'm not really comparing myself to others via the Internet (though I do sometimes!),  I'm not overly worried about the things that exist there; but I know that the fact is, those things do NOT need as much attention from me as they get. As a Christian, I DO long to have a God-centered and focused mind. And I KNOW that what I think about first thing in the morning and the last things I focus on before I fall asleep, those thoughts should be more aimed towards Him. But what can I do? I'm not a drastic 'go cold-turkey' kind of gal. (Basically why I have zero interest in ever doing Whole-30 or any other drastic food plan for my life... oops). But what changes can I make to help me create a more positive mindset? That's what I wanted to talk to you about, because accountability is key and if you're anything like me, you're a busy woman who has a million things on her mind and plate at ALL times. And there's a good chance that social media ALSO has a prevalent place in your day-to-day as well.

'If I want God to be my focus, I must give Him my first thoughts. And if I want my mind to be at peace when I sleep, I must keep my thoughts fixed on His promises at night..."

Something my husband and I talked about was our morning routine. Our kids are super young and 98% of the time we are being woken by one of them. But even if this happens and I want to roll over and close my eyes for 2.5 more minutes, do I need to check Instagram or Facebook? Do I need to open my e-mails and see if anyone reached out or responded to me? Newest conviction: I want to be eighty years old and look back on my life and remember how EVERY morning, my husband and I prayed together. If that can happen before our feet hit the floor, great. And if it can't, I can take that time myself to ask God for some strength, thank Him for allowing me to wake, and for protecting us through the night.

So, step one: Pray as soon as I wake.

I always go downstairs and make our coffee before even looking in the mirror. Most days I'm super rushed and I don't give myself enough time to sit and have any moments of real 'quiet.' But even between the coffee run, brushing my teeth, and applying my makeup I've realized I still have TIME. Do any of you have the She Reads Truth app on your phones? I do and I have for YEARS. So why don't I ever OPEN it? I'm not encouraging that our quiet times or devotionals be rushed, but I'm super convicted that in the 5-10 minutes of slowness in my mornings, I haven't had ANY time with the Lord. Can I read the app during planning or even when I get to work in the morning? Sure. But it's the things that have taken FIRST priority that I just want to CHANGE. Why not check social media or e-mails AFTER I've read a lesson or scripture and had a few minutes of prayer?

Step two, read a devotion and/or intentionally dive into the Word.

Something I have struggled with probably most of my life is that I'm very often a glass half empty type of gal. ONE thing can go wrong and my entire mindset is flipped upside down. I have a tendency to feel trapped by my own agenda; the busy weekends filled with photo shoots, the laundry that needs to get done, the kitty litter that needs to be vacuumed for the 100th timebecause our kitten is CRAZY. So I know that I personally need to work on speaking positively to myself, and I'm wondering if you could benefit from this too?

Step three, speak at least three encouraging truths to myself as a mantra for my day.

Some examples of this could be:
-I will be patient this afternoon with my students (and children) (and husband!) (and SELF!)
-I will be forgiving.
-I will have grace for myself and others when there are moments of error.

And at the end of the day, when everything has come full circle all over again, reflecting on these goals can be incredibly beneficial. Where did I succeed and what are some praises that I have about my day? How did I mess up and where do I need to ask for forgiveness and grace? What can I look forward to tomorrow?

And instead of finishing the day by opening my social media apps, why not practice these instead?

So, step four, set the alarm clock, turn my phone OVER or put it out of reach, and count my blessings.

That sounds SO simple, doesn't it? But I'm a busy working mother, one who tends to overbook, over commit, and who is still learning how to truly prioritize. CLEARLY, I need help prioritizing my spiritual life! But instead of begrudging my tired days; the times I was woken by my small children, the times that they are sick, the laundry that never ends, the floors that need to be cleaned... I want to be excited that the Lord has chosen ME for this life. 

You guys, I'm not saying social media platforms are bad. But you know as well as I do that sometimes they ARE. Sometimes they take away from how carefully we are paying attention to our children (or husbands). Sometimes we respond to our kids like, "Yes, Dear," and "Uh-huh" without even looking up to see WHAT they just begged us to look at. And there are many mornings and many nights that I'm realizing I need to just focus on something else--Someone else. We aren't promised tomorrow, so how can we help our minds, bodies and souls be more pure? 

Hurry Up to Wait

"Hurry UP!" I'll often say as I backseat drive with Asa (my husband). "You could have made it through that light," I've sighed. The cars in front of us are at a stand-still behind a train. "You want me to hurry up just to wait?" he'll respond.

I do this ALL. THE. TIME. Hurry up to wait. I'm impatient! I know it is obnoxious and far from righteous! I try to be a good listener, and most of the time I think my friends would vouch that I am; but when it comes to actions and time on the clock, I hurry. I'll catch myself on walks with the kids, "Hurry up, Reese," I'll rush my two-year old on our way to the playground. Why am I hurrying her? She's a 'stop and smell the roses' kinda girl, but what's wrong with that when we just have time to kill before Dad is home? Climbing in and out of the car, "Hurry up!" I'll exclaim to my still small toddlers. I know they're doing their best, that their tiny legs can only move so fast. I know I need to chill OUT.

And now I am at a point in my life where what I hear God say is this: just wait and just LISTEN.

Okay, God, I'll wait. And I'll listen. But then I forgot to adhere to that promise.

Do you want in on a little secret? Okay it's not little--it's actually huge. And I've been trying to contain my excitement but it's time to just let that loose: next school year, I get to just be Mom. Yup! Next school year I am taking some time off from teaching to focus first on my kids + in the midst of it, I'll get to dig deeper into photography + writing. There are still some kinks to work out, but for the most part, it is looking like after September I'll be able to take some time off to focus on these things. And I know I have heard God's voice in this direction. My husband has heard God's voice in this direction; and together we've decided, this just makes sense! Will it be breezy? Not at all! And our bank account will obviously be the deciding factor of when I need to return to the classroom... but this is the first time in a VERY long time that I have heard His voice say, 'Go ahead and jump. You can't see the future, but I can. And I'll walk with you every step of the way in figuring it out.'

But beyond this, which mind you is HUGE... I'm waiting to hear His voice. Let's be real--being honest is difficult. It's awkward, it kind of makes us want to gag, and social media for the most part, portrays the opposite of authenticity. But in this space, I promised to strive to be real and raw. I would write my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts and then I would take a leap by sharing it with YOU. So honestly? I'm at a weird time in my life. My friendships feel weird, our church situation is weird, my goals and hopes, it all just feels out of sorts.

Let's start with friendships:
I grew up with the best friends EVER. A group of girls and I have known each other since we were teeny, tiny four-year-olds. We went to church together, school together, lived at each others houses and then when eighteen hit, we all moved away. Different colleges, states, phases of life... some have kids, others don't. Some are married while others remain single. Though we're all the same age, we are all in a different phase of life. We keep in touch; texts, e-mails, sporadic phone calls, but obviously, it's different. I've written before about seasons of friendships--God has blessed me generously with women throughout time, that were all there at the right time. When I entered my first pregnancy, I had women within the church who were having babies at the same time. There were hundreds of middle of the night texts, sob-fests to each other, venting speals and at the end of the day, I knew they were by my side and could understand when it felt no one else could. The same went for my second pregnancy, a couple women who were always just there. But now I'm in a different stage; two toddlers, our church family has drastically changed, we are busy working parents and I have been missing so badly, having a close-knit group of girlfriends. I know I can call, text, comment on Instagram to ANY of the sweet women in my life, but my heart longs for that one girl. Have you ever watched Grey's Anatomy? Please say yes... Meredith calls Christina Yang, 'her person.' That's their theme, their friendship, how we as viewers refer to them. Maybe it's not practical for an almost twenty-eight-year old married woman/mom of two kids, but I want it--the type of friendship that knows when to bring a pint of ice cream over to empathize or the bottle of champagne to celebrate. I long for this, but a friendship like that takes TIME. It take lots of pursuing, lots of patience and lots of grace. Friendships are NOT to be hurried because if they become that way, usually they fizzle out. So: I've been asking the Lord to steer my heart, give me peace in my current relationships, and to just help me wait. ("Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act."- Psalm 37:7)

And now, Church:
Years ago, Asa and I left the Church he was raised in for twenty + years. There was a LOT that went into that deciding factor and for the first year of our marriage, we argued a LOT over theology, scripture, and how we understood these things. We walked in to a college church plant back in 2010 and after hearing the pastor speak, we both knew we had heard God say, "This is your new home." It was during that year that we also heard Him tell us that buying our first home in one of the worst zip codes in the nation, was His will. After our first walk-through in the house (which I knew I wanted just from the photos), we walked around the park. We watched a teenage girl get tackled by her mom and seconds later, police officers were crowded around. Tears streamed down my face not because I was scared, but because my heart was screaming, "You are needed HERE." Shortly after we purchased it, a prostitute broke into our home as I nursed my newborn son. My husband was getting groceries, she was strung out on drugs and as one arm shielded Pierson (my son), the other pointed her to the back door. Instead of feeling like it was time to look elsewhere for home-sweet-home, both Asa and I heard our Lord say, "I am here." Back to what this means for me church wise--I love our church. I love the people who call it home and our pastors have started an incredible mission. Recently though, we went through a merger and while I understand why it was necessary, my heart has been grieving the surplus of friends and families who have left. Before the merger, my heart had already experienced this; as lots of our friends made the decision to find somewhere else that had larger kids' ministries. I got it, we were still largely a College Church at this time, but our kids were young enough where they were still doing okay and loving where we were at. Zero for Two: that's how I have been feeling. I've said so many goodbyes and I have lost contact with so many people who were dear to my heart. I'm just at a weird place figuring out where God has ME in all of this. Where do I fit in? Where is my calling? Where am I needed? Regardless, this is not a decision to be rushed--church seeking or deciding. It's a matter that needs to be prayed upon, continuously; it is something that requires a ton of discussion and then honestly, a period of waiting. So: I have been asking Him to be my voice, to guide my spirit and that he will fulfill the immense void that I feel. ("I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for he has promised."-Psalm 105:5)

The In Between's:
How often have you heard me joke that all I want for Christmas is a horse? Except that it's not a joke... my heart beats everything horse! If you have ever been to the Kentucky Derby Museum with me, then you've actually witnessed me tear up in their wrap-around movie theater, where they play the movie The Greatest Race. Horses are the reason I moved from Michigan to Kentucky and they've always been my happy place. My heart longs for open fields, an old barn and a horse or two to house inside it. I want my kids to grow up opening their back door without worrying about a car flying past them. For barn kittens to be loved on, chickens to gather eggs from and a front porch worth sitting on as we sip coffee and overlook the pastures. As I approach my tenth year in this city (WHOA!) none of that is yet feasible. We've looked endlessly at properties on 1+ acre but every single thing has been unrealistic and out of our price range. Sometimes I get so down in the dumps, and I fear that my dream will never be a reality...This passion doesn't go away, it has not yet been stifled and honestly, over the years it's a fire that has burned even hotter inside my heart. But it is not something that I can rush. With our family practically going to one income next year, I know that this dream probably needs to be put on hold even longer. Maybe God will totally surprise us, but waiting for answers is a necessary step. Time, money, location... all such huge factors that at times, have me so restless. ("Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take courage, yes, wait for Him."-Psalm 27:14)