Home for the Holidays: [What Do You Love about This Season?]

"Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.""
--Edith Sitwell

I used to be textbook American. No Christmas allowed until the day AFTER Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving would come and go, and THEN the tree could be set up, decorations could be sorted, and holiday music could be turned on. But not this year. 

Shortly after Halloween, our kids started asking about Christmas. "Is it Christmas yet?" "Two more weeks?" "Can we write letters to Santa?" "NOW is it Christmas?" At first I wondered if it was all about the toys... is Christmas to them, all about getting? But then I realized, no, to children it's not simply about receiving--it's the beauty in this season: warm scented candles, the soft glow of twinkling lights, anticipation of where to place their ornaments on the tree. It's setting the villages up, re-arranging all the porcelain people, the molasses cookies and time spent in the kitchen with their mom. It's family and warm blankets, more time for popcorn + movies on the couch as the temperatures steadily fall outside.

In my husband's family, Christmas IS their happy. All year long, they count down to December 25, and it's never too early to play Christmas carols or bust out a tree...sometimes even in September! So this year, when I told him that I was ready to start decorating, I think his heart leapt from his chest. And the more we got out from boxes in our basement, the more we wanted to set up. After we voted on Election Day (which was later a pretty traumatic day), we had a day-date and browsed Hobby Lobby. We decided to get the kids their own small tree, to set up in our son's bedroom. That night after dinner we spilled the good news, that WE would start decorating for Christmas! Quickly the villages came from their boxes, I was on timer duty for our homemade cookies, and Pierson exclaimed as he ran up the stairs with one in hand, "THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT EVER, MOMMY!" 

Each year I've noticed that this holiday gets more magical, but hearing those words, that sweet proclamation from my sweet 4-year old, just proved that THIS is what our hearts need. Our country is currently amidst a lot of chaos. After the Election, some people were relieved and others mourned. Still, almost a week later, social media platforms are plastered in hateful jokes, hurtful statuses, and a lot of hostility. People are trying to convince their friends that they voted for the wrong person, they are trying to prove why or why not the President-Elect is a victory or failure. So we decided that our hearts needed to be lifted and the bricks needed to be taken off. We've decided; the more family, the more celebration, the more Jesus in our household...the better this month is going to be.  

It is not yet winter, and Kentucky is bright with a still gorgeous Autumn, but I want to take it all in. The changing colors, the cooler air, the foggier mornings, and darker evenings. And I can't tell you how happy my heart is to come down the stairs (freezing cold, because we refuse to turn on the heat), and step on the floor button to turn on the Christmas tree. As the coffee brews, and my children race to the couch to be covered up by fuzzy blankets, we stare at the tree and are together. The world is out there. And while I love people outside of these walls, I have been reminded that here, is where matters the most. 

Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, I pray that in this season, you too will find peace. And whether or not you'll wait until after Thanksgiving has passed to do YOUR holiday decorating, may your heart find the joy and love it's been missing. I want to remember our children in these ever fleeting years; their laughter and footsteps racing up and down the stairwell. I want to remember the way in which they smiled as the lights were plugged in and the room around us began to glow. My daughter's voice whispering, "That is so BEAUTIFUL," as the star was placed on top. And I want to remember how I feel; here in my joggers, fuzzy socks, and sweatshirt, as the glow of the candle beside me warms my heart. 

What is it that you love about Christmastime? I am so thankful for these memories, this old home, and the love that abides. I would love to hear from you! Will you comment below and tell me where you're reading this post from? What warms your heart in this possible season of cold and darkness? Wherever you are, know that you are loved, and I so appreciate you reading! 

Office Space Oh Holy Night Print: BlursbyaiShop on Etsy
Vintage Red Truck: Target
True Love Pallet and Village: Hobby Lobby

This Body

This body has held two babies; when they were first placed into its' arms, and now, as their growing bodies stretch down more than half of its' torso. This body may be thin, but it is strong. And this body, it has ran up and down flights of steps thousands of times in search of binkies, special blankets, baby dolls, and stuffed lions. Many a night is this body exhausted, but it never gives out, it never gives up.

Since becoming a mom, I've watched every inch of me change. The increased smile lines around my mouth from all the laughter that escapes, and the brow indent from none other than that worried and cringed face when times were tough. The veins on my calves beginning to spread, the core I've been working on has flattened and yet kept its' faint stretch marks. My tummy that has gotten tighter, but yet refuses to let go of that mom skin.

Giving birth seems like a lifetime ago, yet each one is permanently engraved on my heart. I remember, just when I thought my body couldn't handle the pain, another contraction would come and go, and I found myself surviving. Two times, I was blessed to have experienced it, two times, my body carried an eight pound, full-termed baby. I'd kick my legs or I would drop to all fours, crying out, "Oh no," with each pained breath. And then, just as I realized how long I had been at it, just how tired I was, I was holding someone that was half ME. And just like that, I was given an entire second wind, un-phased by the pain.

My daughter tripped and fell when she was fifteen months old, requiring a couple stitches and a late night in the ER. She has a tiny scar in the top left of her forehead, and really, that's her only 'flaw.' Maybe I should call it a beauty mark--there's no such thing as flaws. Sure in error, when one has physically messed up or didn't mean to do something; but on our bodies, no. As my daughter continues to grow, her skin will no longer be as smooth; she too, will begin to show the test of time, she too, will reflect on these years. Both of my children will grow tall, probably like their daddy, and so much of them is destined to change. Will her hair forever hold her now tight ringlets? Will he always smile with his eyes and crinkle his nose when he laughs?

Time.

Passing.

Transforming.

Each mark, each scar, each year, telling all of our stories.

My body has told the story of TWO bouts of Postpartum Thyroiditis. It has seen two-digit numbers on the scale when it crashed after my son's birth, and it has rebounded back to healthy. A year ago I had begun to slightly panic at my reflection in the mirror; I wasn't yet ready to love this new body, all of its' progressions, all of its' pain. But now?

I'm beginning to see a victory--I don't mind as much the mom skin that still exists. I have worked hard; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually-- to accept this body. To be proud of this body. To share its' story with whomever needs to hear. And to show my children that these changes are okay.

When I first launched this blog in January 2016, my goal was this: write for yourself + your family. Enjoy it. And if you don't? Don't do it! Days after it went live, I was strongly convicted that I needed to write about my body and the journey it has been on. I talked about body shaming and how these last few years have brought lots of shame, from lots of different people. Never fathoming that it would go viral, I realized it was a story that needed to be heard. [Click here to read]

Today my message lives on--there is grace in this body. We are given these bodies ONE time. Let's teach our children to be strong, let's show them how to love their bodies, and while we are at it, let's work on loving ours.

Friendship Breakups

Aren't seasons beautiful? Spring, winter, autumn, summer... but all of them are so drastically different from one another. If you think about flowers and plants, or maybe you have a garden, there is pruning and daily tending and nurturing to be had. Things bloom and things rest, and all is entirely necessary to transition to the next season. Also a necessary step to keeping a successful garden? Digging deep under the surface. Your hands will get dirty, but weeds need plucking, plants need trimming, and it's work. Hard work.

The same goes for friendships.

Lysa TerKeurst said, "I want the equation to be: make a friend, keep a friend. Live in a blissful place of fun connection. See eye to eye. Believe the best. Get along. Be nice. Collect hilarious inside jokes along the way. And fight for each other always. That's what I secretly hope for. But that's not reality. Sometimes the equation is make a friend, try your best with that friend, and things go cold" (66, Uninvited).

Lately, I feel like I've been in a LONG season of soul searching. Something happened after I had kids. Something switched inside of me. I became Mom and my areas of focus substantially changed. Two little hearts and bodies who need me, all the time. Scheduling hang outs became necessary, and often planned around the kids' nap and bed times. Honestly, it was terrifying to think about the kids being awake while I hung out with my friends. Noise and chaos? Who wants that when you want quality time. But that's not realistic. My kids aren't going to take a two plus hour nap every day, and they won't always be starting their bedtime routine at 7:30pm. They're going to grow up, and other people are going to have to be around them, and then what?

I went on a women's retreat to Nashville a few months ago with my Radiant Team. I was the only mom amongst the group and as we shared our hopes and dreams, emotions swelled to the surface. It all came spilling out of me one evening, I long for a friend who wants to be amidst the crazy. Who will be there during bath time and who doesn't mind talking over the chaos. Who sees the piles of laundry and doesn't think, 'Gosh this lady needs to get it TOGETHER,' but says, 'How can I help?' I don't mean to sound greedy--I really don't. Because if there's a lady out there who wants that from me, girl, I'm all in. I will bring my crazy children to your house to play with your crazy children and we can eat ice cream from the container and fold ALL the laundry.

 Lara Casey in her 'Fruitful Friendships' series said, "Little by little, meaningful relationships are cultivated. One small seed planted today can grow into a towering tree years from now. The little by little adds up. If we strive for overnight results, we might miss the good fruit that waits for us in the process—the growing part." How TRUE is this?? Deep and meaningful friendships do NOT happen overnight. They need pruning and cultivating and little by little; they can begin to grow. But what about the hurt you've experienced from prior friendships? Have you been there?

I never thought I would be the almost thirty-year old (ouch) woman who suffered from heartache over past friendships. I guess I shouldn't be TOO surprised, as I was always the sensitive girl who longed for everyone to be her best friend, but still in my adult life? There's just some pieces (big ones) that haven't quite healed. And when I sat in my first counseling session (yes, praise God for trained professionals to help us process!), she said, "For the next session decide what you want to focus on. Is it how to start believing that you don't NEED people in your life that don't help you feel complete? How to help you believe that you are the amazing woman that you?" I walked away thinking about all the things I needed to work on mentally and emotionally, not to mention spiritually and physically, and have decided that yes, that's what I need help with the most right now.

God is trying to teach me in this season. I can feel my heart being molded; I can sense my mind and soul becoming stronger and stronger. It's almost like HE is gardening my spirit. It's painful, but I'm beginning to sense the freedom. There are seasons for EVERYTHING. Springtime brings lots of rain and with it, fresh and beautiful blooms. Temperatures start warming and colors burst everywhere. In the summer so many crops are grown and harvested, I think back to the blueberries I picked growing up, how they took TIME to become the beautiful and sweet berry. Cooler air comes in, and the once green leaves begin changing color. Once they fall, the trees are left bare, and the fields are vast and empty. But Winter isn't really a season of death--no, it's a time of dormancy. Plants are busy storing their energy, preserving their nutrients, and waiting patiently to bloom  again in the spring.

Do you ever feel like you are living in a cycle of lack? Like you don't measure up? Have you taken it personally when it goes cold with your friend? All signs are pointing for me to seek God MORE. Lara says, "I am invited. Always welcome. Always loved."

Seasons change. Friendships and relationships change. It doesn't mean that they are dead, that you are cut off. It means you (and I) were loved for a period, and even if ended poorly, we can be grateful for the laughs and fellowship that was once had. 

"Little by little, meaningful relationships are cultivated." I'm so thankful for all the vastly different seasons of friends I have experienced. And I pray their time with me was blessed as well. For the long-lasting friends, the long-distance besties since age four, my heart will forever hold on to you. For my family and the dear sister-in-laws that I've been blessed to inherit, I am so fortunate. For the newer friends and Instagram friends and dear women I've met from this blog, I appreciate you SO much.

Let's be friends. And talk more in the comments below, I'd love to chat with ya'll!  

Counting Down

28

As I write this, that is currently the days left remaining until I adventure into this whole 'stay-at-home' Mama type life.

I love my teaching job. And the people I work with. I've been blessed with amazing bosses as I've journeyed through this career, and I've learned a lot. But it took one particularly rough day recently and a whole bunch of co-workers asking, "Have you started your count down?!" Up until that point, I hadn't. I thought, "Well, heck, may as well!"

Christmas break 2015 I sat across the couch from my husband. I was all cuddled up in my fleece blanket and sipping something warm. The reflection from the Christmas tree lights were sparkling off my mug as we reminisced about days gone by with our babies, and how excited we were to see their faces Christmas morning. We talked about how they would be in school in no time, and that these 'little years' really did seem fleeting.

"Remember how I used to say I wanted to stay home with the kids before Pierson starts school?" I said. "I still want to do that."

My husband responded, "You know next year is his last year at home, right...?"

I remember the way my heart dropped. I mean, obviously I KNOW when my kids will start school, but how did he only have a YEAR left?!

"Well! Then I have to quit my job!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me and said, "Okay, then we'll figure it out."

Did I actually think that was going to happen? Not really. But I felt so motivated and dedicated to finding out how and if I could make this a reality. He did the numbers, told me exactly how much I would need to make a month, explained that I would need to defer my student loans and get more photo gigs. When the wedding inquiries began to trickle in, I booked them. When clients wanted family sessions, I did them. And since January, we've saved almost every single penny so that I could do this. I've e-mailed the family leave center, printed out every e-mail and have them saved in a binder, (ha, YES, I'm nervous!) and come January, that's it: my time "off" begins.

I'm returning to my classroom the very last week of school in May, and a lot of people ask what I'm doing the following school year. My response: Let me have this portion of time off first and then figure it out. Right now? I have no clue! I am a creative person, constantly dreaming and scheming of ways to make money, reaching out to businesses and working with brands that I believe in; I love photography and have a real passion for inspiring sessions. But for the next year and beyond, I just don't know.

There is one thing that I DO know though...that I need this time with my kids. With my son going to kindergarten August 2017, I know that I will be so thankful for these next few months. We aren't sure when our daughter will start school, as our school district just changed the date and age kids need to be when they enroll; so as of now, she may start the year right after him, or she may have to wait two years. Regardless of what happens, if I go back to work full time, part time, or WHATEVER, having these coming months to focus more on being MOM, sounds so wonderful.

During this time I hope to write more, book more sessions, dig deeper with this blog and find out really, what I want to do when I grow up. That's funny isn't it? It just dawned on me that I am 28-years old, have 28 days remaining of a Monday-Friday job, and I'm PUMPED because I know that God is good and has a plan! I have LOTS of dreams...but for the moment, I'm going to sit in this one for a while, and be grateful that I have these days TO count down.