The Dishes Can Wait: Let's Talk

What is ONE thing you need to hear from someone today? I mean seriously. Stop what you're doing for a second (well, keep reading...) and just think. How would you feel if someone checked in with you like this:

I'm proud of you. 
How are you doing today? 
You are so beautiful. 
Thanks for being so great. 
Do you need a hug? 
Hey, do you want to go see a movie? 
Let's grab dinner. 
You are so incredibly strong. 
I just love you!

As I've gotten older, I can't believe what a 'words of affirmation' gal I've turned into. Yesterday I scaled a rock climbing wall.. When I entered that gymnasium and looked all the way to the top, I didn't think for a SECOND it would be me ringing the bell at the very TOP. But when I heard my husband cheering from below, I heard him say, "Reese is going to be SO proud of you, Ash! Ring the bell!" I looked to my right and saw the next rock. I took a slow and deep breath, and I reached so high for that glorious bell. DING, DING, DING!!!! High fives and hugs greeted me at the bottom, my friend Liz (aka BEST workout buddy) beamed with excitement. I mean encouragement, y'all--isn't it great?! 

I think most days we just move through our routines. We go to school or work, put our kids on the bus or send them off to the sitter; some of us are homeschooling our preschoolers--making breakfasts and lunches and ordering toys and rooms to be cleaned up, and naps to be had. Our husbands come home and we are tired; hair untouched, teeth lucky to be brushed. The pets have been cared for, house is put together, kids are still alive, but it's now what we moms like to call witching hour; and we are TIRED. We check Instagram and scroll, scroll, scroll. Maybe we throw in a double tap for a 'like' if it's a photo that spoke to us. We check Facebook; scroll, scroll, scroll. Sometimes we comment when something is funny or there's a cute photo we like. We'll like each other's statuses all day long, but often we forget to text our husbands, "Hey Babe, I am proud of you. Thanks for loving me." We forget to call or message our family and ask, "How are you doing? Is there anything you need this week?" To check in with our friends, "Is there a time that would work in the next couple of weeks to get together? Let's get dinner and catch up. In the mean time, how can I pray for you?" 

We are busy creatures, somewhat stir crazy in our souls. The days can be hectic and the nights long. We have babies and young children who don't yet know the importance of a GOOD nights sleep, and the thoughts that rattle through our minds when our feet need to hit the floor to start all over; well, they aren't always the most pleasant. I wrote a post a while back about finding God in the crazy--to seek Him first and to pray more often. To speak to HIM, more often. I think I've improved greatly with this, but Lordy how there's room to grow. And thinking outside of that, of the prayers that need to be had, the more scripture that YES, I do need to read...is ensuring that we as a community are caring for one another. 

Who haven't you reached out to in a while? What face pops into your mind as your read this and you think, 'hey...I wonder how ______ is doing.' Don't just wonder, find out. I swear I probably have 10-15 women pop into my head all day long. Heck, as I sit here writing it's like boom, boom, boom!!! Name after name, just flying through my tired mind! My pregnant hair dresser, Michelle, seriously, so many prayers are said for you. Same for my preggo girlfriend Britney! My sister in laws, my brother, my DAD, women from our old church... I mean really, the list could go on! I don't think we are all destined to be best friends with one another and I don't think that's ever the expectation within friendships. But I think we could do better at staying in touch with the women and friends that we love. Stephanie who came to dinner, I loved you! I'm SO glad that you're 28 and we have that in common and that you love dogs and animals as much as I do. Chelcey who does my web design and helps me form emails and newsletters and is my soundboard for life in GENERAL. Peg, my childhood best friend who I dream about living closer to, with your two boys and husband; laughing with you is quite possibly the best thing EVER. Lisa who lives in Boston, who spent a season living in Kentucky WITH me. Jerrica, who is quite possibly my earthly angel, you're my everything!! 

No, I won't list every single person that I love here in this space, because there's just too many of you and my mind is too fuzzy for that anyway. But I wanted to just throw this out there, that you, whoever you are and wherever you may be, I bet it really means a lot when you hear someone tell you that they are proud of you. It feels GOOD to feel strong and beautiful, radiant and loved. 

Can I encourage you today to think about the top three people that keep popping into your head? Outside perhaps from the regular people you talk to on a consistent basis (aka my husband and my mom hear from me 300 times a day...) Who are those people?  Ask them how they are. What about them makes you proud? What do they do well that they would love to hear from YOU? And then keep going about your day! The clothes to be washed, dishes to cleaned, tables to be wiped off, prayers to be said, books to be read, kids to be tucked in...it's all still waiting for you. I even bet that somewhere along the way, you'll feel more energized and recharged to DO those things, BECAUSE you took the time to brighten someone else's day. Those dishes can wait, for all of 2.1 seconds, am I right? Let's love the heck out of each other because frankly, we're worth it. 

Friendship Breakups

Aren't seasons beautiful? Spring, winter, autumn, summer... but all of them are so drastically different from one another. If you think about flowers and plants, or maybe you have a garden, there is pruning and daily tending and nurturing to be had. Things bloom and things rest, and all is entirely necessary to transition to the next season. Also a necessary step to keeping a successful garden? Digging deep under the surface. Your hands will get dirty, but weeds need plucking, plants need trimming, and it's work. Hard work.

The same goes for friendships.

Lysa TerKeurst said, "I want the equation to be: make a friend, keep a friend. Live in a blissful place of fun connection. See eye to eye. Believe the best. Get along. Be nice. Collect hilarious inside jokes along the way. And fight for each other always. That's what I secretly hope for. But that's not reality. Sometimes the equation is make a friend, try your best with that friend, and things go cold" (66, Uninvited).

Lately, I feel like I've been in a LONG season of soul searching. Something happened after I had kids. Something switched inside of me. I became Mom and my areas of focus substantially changed. Two little hearts and bodies who need me, all the time. Scheduling hang outs became necessary, and often planned around the kids' nap and bed times. Honestly, it was terrifying to think about the kids being awake while I hung out with my friends. Noise and chaos? Who wants that when you want quality time. But that's not realistic. My kids aren't going to take a two plus hour nap every day, and they won't always be starting their bedtime routine at 7:30pm. They're going to grow up, and other people are going to have to be around them, and then what?

I went on a women's retreat to Nashville a few months ago with my Radiant Team. I was the only mom amongst the group and as we shared our hopes and dreams, emotions swelled to the surface. It all came spilling out of me one evening, I long for a friend who wants to be amidst the crazy. Who will be there during bath time and who doesn't mind talking over the chaos. Who sees the piles of laundry and doesn't think, 'Gosh this lady needs to get it TOGETHER,' but says, 'How can I help?' I don't mean to sound greedy--I really don't. Because if there's a lady out there who wants that from me, girl, I'm all in. I will bring my crazy children to your house to play with your crazy children and we can eat ice cream from the container and fold ALL the laundry.

 Lara Casey in her 'Fruitful Friendships' series said, "Little by little, meaningful relationships are cultivated. One small seed planted today can grow into a towering tree years from now. The little by little adds up. If we strive for overnight results, we might miss the good fruit that waits for us in the process—the growing part." How TRUE is this?? Deep and meaningful friendships do NOT happen overnight. They need pruning and cultivating and little by little; they can begin to grow. But what about the hurt you've experienced from prior friendships? Have you been there?

I never thought I would be the almost thirty-year old (ouch) woman who suffered from heartache over past friendships. I guess I shouldn't be TOO surprised, as I was always the sensitive girl who longed for everyone to be her best friend, but still in my adult life? There's just some pieces (big ones) that haven't quite healed. And when I sat in my first counseling session (yes, praise God for trained professionals to help us process!), she said, "For the next session decide what you want to focus on. Is it how to start believing that you don't NEED people in your life that don't help you feel complete? How to help you believe that you are the amazing woman that you?" I walked away thinking about all the things I needed to work on mentally and emotionally, not to mention spiritually and physically, and have decided that yes, that's what I need help with the most right now.

God is trying to teach me in this season. I can feel my heart being molded; I can sense my mind and soul becoming stronger and stronger. It's almost like HE is gardening my spirit. It's painful, but I'm beginning to sense the freedom. There are seasons for EVERYTHING. Springtime brings lots of rain and with it, fresh and beautiful blooms. Temperatures start warming and colors burst everywhere. In the summer so many crops are grown and harvested, I think back to the blueberries I picked growing up, how they took TIME to become the beautiful and sweet berry. Cooler air comes in, and the once green leaves begin changing color. Once they fall, the trees are left bare, and the fields are vast and empty. But Winter isn't really a season of death--no, it's a time of dormancy. Plants are busy storing their energy, preserving their nutrients, and waiting patiently to bloom  again in the spring.

Do you ever feel like you are living in a cycle of lack? Like you don't measure up? Have you taken it personally when it goes cold with your friend? All signs are pointing for me to seek God MORE. Lara says, "I am invited. Always welcome. Always loved."

Seasons change. Friendships and relationships change. It doesn't mean that they are dead, that you are cut off. It means you (and I) were loved for a period, and even if ended poorly, we can be grateful for the laughs and fellowship that was once had. 

"Little by little, meaningful relationships are cultivated." I'm so thankful for all the vastly different seasons of friends I have experienced. And I pray their time with me was blessed as well. For the long-lasting friends, the long-distance besties since age four, my heart will forever hold on to you. For my family and the dear sister-in-laws that I've been blessed to inherit, I am so fortunate. For the newer friends and Instagram friends and dear women I've met from this blog, I appreciate you SO much.

Let's be friends. And talk more in the comments below, I'd love to chat with ya'll!  

Who's Clapping?

Thoughts: I've been having a lot of them lately.

Most of the time, (honest moment), I feel like I'm 'in a rut' writing wise, but this is mainly because I have ten million things and thoughts scuffling around in my head, and processing them into a well-constructed and solid post, is super challenging. I'm sure you're with me; in the age of social media, the Internet being at our fingertips, the endless amounts of scrolling...

 We see SO much.

We compare SO much.

I've talked often about seasons of friendships and how life can just be funky. The ebb and flow of who sticks by our side (and whose side WE stick by), changes, all the time. But there are some friends that just stay; regardless of the amount of time we are able to spend together, regardless of our different opinions and beliefs. I have one girlfriend in particular who used to be my teaching assistant for my first two years in the classroom. On day one, I thought, "I am going to love this lady!" But then life, as it always does, proceeded to change--she took a different job, I was moved to a new school, and the seasons continued to press onward. Living on opposite ends of town, having completely different hours of availability, and not working together anymore means that we don't see each other often. But a couple of weeks ago, I took some goodies to her brand new house, we plopped down on the couch, and talked for HOURS!

During the conversation, she said something that has just stuck with me, a phrase that has been all gurgled in my mind but that I didn't know how to actually put into words, until she said it: 

"Be aware of who isn't clapping when you win."

I have another friend, she is climbing her way up the Blogging Ladder, and she works her tail off in everything she does. We meet for breakfast or lunch, text often, and as busy as she is, she has never put her successes above mine and vice versa. We write to a different platform, we were raised very differently, our ages are different, our words are different. When I have questions about websites and codes and social media, she excitedly lends a helping hand. She has never withheld information from me in fear that I would steal her thunder BECAUSE she doesn't allow for comparison to override our friendship. And when she told me some of her big and upcoming work assignments, I didn't slump over in a puddle of discouragement BECAUSE this girl deserves it!

Who is clapping?

Who is hugging you when you win? Who is holding your hand when you lose? The friend that I visited has told her daughter that phrase since she was tiny. And now that I have kids of my own, I really think it is going to be a mantra that I pass down to them--I don't want them to have friends who constantly compare. I don't want them to fear success OR failures, because I pray that as their seasons shift and change, the right friends will be placed at the right times.

There is so much room for negative headspace, especially with Facebook and Instagram. We find ourselves comparing, wondering why so and so is better than we are; why are they so successful? Why do they have more followers than us? Why does their house look brighter, their walls whiter, their clothes cuter, their bodies BETTER? But I just feel so DONE with these lies. You are you and I am me, and instead of competing with one another, I am ready to celebrate our accomplishments.

Maybe yours is that you'll run a mile straight without stopping. Or you'll start that blog that you've been day-dreaming about. Maybe it's that you've been featured on another site, and someone else found encouragement through your words. Maybe it's that you've struggled with sadness and have felt too blue to move, but you decided TODAY to get out of bed.

Be aware of who isn't clapping when you win.

And then take a deep breath, thank God for creating YOU, and hug a little tighter the ones who have stayed by your side. And as you journey, focus your attention on becoming a better version of yourself. Use what you see on your screen for inspiration, or turn the screen OFF. I have talents and so do you. I pray that you will find them, use them, and then help me celebrate others in this overly competitive world we live in.

*What are some ways that you cheer others on? What types of things encourage you the most in your friendships? Do you have a friend today, that you should text or call, just to say, "Hey, you're doing GREAT!" I hope you'll share this post, that if something resonated with your heart while reading, that you would tell someone else! YOU are wonderful and YOU are going to do amazing things, I have so much faith in that promise!*

Just Smile

My mom drove me down the long dirt road and together we waited for the school bus--the school bus that would take me to a brand new place, my first public school. I was leaving many friends behind at the Christian Academy I had attended and it was the first time that I wouldn't be in a place that my big brothers were. We spotted the big yellow vehicle in the distance, coming up over the hill. "Just smile, Ash," she said sweetly. "You might get nervous or scared but you're great at making new friends and showing people Jesus; so just smile at them when you feel unsure."

Fifth grade was a tough year. I loved my teacher, Ms. Guy; she rode a sweet blue Harley Davidson motorcycle and she made us laugh while we learned. I made a ton of great friends, some who remain among my favorites to this day, but one of the girls in my class was just mean. She was hateful and vindictive and strongly disliked me because the fifth grade heart throb developed a crush on ME, "the new girl." When she sneered things under her breath at me, I remembered my mom's words: Just smile. When she at one point, years later, turned our entire crowd of girlfriends against me, that phrase still remained. I held my head up high, I tried to still love the heck out of them and I smiled.

Looking back, there is quite a bit I would change about the way I did friendships back then. That fifth grade girl strongly impacted the next several years of my life. Through my smiling I also endured a lot of heartache, grief and even fear some days of just going to school. I didn't realize then that the 'friendship' I strove to have with her would never last. It was never of any substance or meaningful value, and in my 'I should be friends with everyone' mentality, I wish I had been more okay with the fact that I wouldn't. I wish I had recognized that not all friendships are worth fighting for; sometimes when the girls run and play in the opposite direction, you can still smile, but you should also believe that parting ways is for the best.

Friendships are a thing that as a twenty-something-year-old, I still think are just weird. There are seasons of life and with those seasons, friends come and go. You move to college and make brand new girlfriends. You join small groups and Bible Studies and you click with just a few other people. Some women like you and well, others don't, at all. As a woman, I've realized that jealousy is never something that will phase out with age--Freshman year of college, I vividly remember a conversation I had with one of my friends, and it could have potentially ruined our friendship, all because of jealousy. Once, I asked a girl to grab a cup of coffee with me. We had lots of mutual friends, she was even roommates with one of my good friends, and I frequently slept at their apartment. I wanted to be friendly, I wanted to get to know her better. But she was one who ignored me when I entered a room, looked the other way entirely; a crowd of people could be surrounding us, they all leave except for me, and still she couldn't make eye contact. "I really don't see the point in getting a cup of coffee with you," she responded. "Having a friendship with you is not something I think will be beneficial." Ouch. I appreciate honesty but dag, not that much! I won't tell you that I didn't care, because I did. My heart hurt and I didn't understand what in the world I ever did to this girl (nor will I ever). She may not have desired to be best friends with me, but she could have at least been kind. She could have smiled and carried on a conversation and we both could have been completely okay that we would walk away without any real intention of ever pursuing one another again.

Since moving to Kentucky, I've been blessed to stay friends with girls who I have known and loved since I was five-years-old. It's not that we haven't endured hardships or awkward adjustments to not living in the same state, but no matter what, I know they'll always be there. There are the select few who I know I can call in a state of emergency or simply because I miss them and need to laugh. Some of those I met later down the road, in middle/high school and of course, college. It's like as we've all entered adulthood, many of us motherhood, we know the bond between us won't ever be broken. Those are the friendships that I hope and pray my children will hold on to as they develop them. There's been the women I've been blessed to text in the middle of the night as we were both up nursing our infants. Some of us have walked through our pregnancies together, had our babies days apart- and we may live on opposite sides of town, life may be simply too busy at this time; grabbing a cup of coffee or scheduling a night out may take some real planning, but that doesn't mean we are done with one another. They know they can call or text me and vice versa, and we will always have that bond.

Recently my family walked to the playground across the street. A few days prior, just Reese and I walked and we met another family riding bikes and playing. The girls in that bunch immediately included Reese, picking her up and helping her up and down some steps to the pavilion. We came home and she proudly exclaimed, "I made FRIENDS!" So when we walked back a few days later, she of course went with the intention, "I play with friends." We got there and there were only two elementary aged girls. They were running up and down the steps to the big blue bridge and in deep conversation with each other. Reese drifted away from us and began pointing to the dogs. "That's Elsa and Humphrey," I heard her excitedly attempt to tell them. "And that's my mommy and daddy and Pierson!" One of the girls just stared at her. Reese continued, "Look! Watch. Watch me! I can climb!" The other very quietly said, "I'm watching." Her friend though, convinced her to run off to the second playground and Reese's eyes filled with giant tears. She pointed and whimpered, "My friends! My friends! I play with friends!" Oh I wanted to scoop my daughter up! I wanted to reassure her that this was a prime example of smiling and letting go. Her two-year-old self couldn't grasp the fact that the girls five or more years older than her, just didn't see a benefit of becoming 'friends,' but that this was OKAY!

It dawned on me that evening, Reese has a giant piece of me in her sweet growing heart. The piece that longs to amend friendships that never even existed by buying cups of coffee. The part that doesn't understand when mean things are said, when friends turn and look the other way. There is that characteristic that I see developing in her and I know now, my daughter is going to have her heart so badly broken. She is probably going to be the one in Kindergarten who can't quite understand why all twenty-five of her future classmates can't all just get along. She will be the one who longs for deep and meaningful relationships, the one who works hard to love others well. This part of Reese somewhat already breaks my heart; I hope and pray that she can choose her friendships wisely. I hope that I can teach her that not all friendships are necessarily worth holding on to or fighting for. That there are seasons of life and these seasons are absolutely okay--friends will all come and go, and there's many that will stay consistent. But all of them, each and every one, are placed there for a reason. It's okay to be friendly, to smile and be kind. It's not hard to spread joy and kindness to everyone; but over the years I have learned that simply because you spread love, does not mean everyone is going to be your friend.

Through these seasons, through my children growing and developing, making rational as well as unwise decisions, I will strive each and every day to be the voice (the help) in their heads that say, "Just smile and be Jesus to as many as you can. And it is completely and one-hundred percent okay to cling tightly to the friendships that mean the most while letting many of the others go."

*I would love to hear YOUR thoughts! What are things that mean the most to you in your current friendships? What have YOU learned over the years, as you've ventured into your twenties, thirties, forties, beyond? Leave a comment below and thanks so much for reading!*