Dear Mom- A Mothers Day Tribute

Photo by: Jana Glass 

You've always said that you love me. When I was younger, I used to say, "I love you too, Mom," and continue on about my days. You dropped me off at summer camps, where I was surrounded by my friends, and I never quite comprehended the big tears that rolled down your cheeks as you quietly said your good-bye. You corrected me, discipled me, and continued to love me, even and especially when I screwed up--time, after time, after time. 

And then something happened, where it all came full circle and my entire life just made sense. Martin Luther King Day 2012. I didn't feel great, I had been super emotional, and kind of as a joke, I took a cheap pregnancy test. Lo and behold, the lines weren't anywhere near being faint and they screamed, PREGNANT, as I put my head into my hands, beginning to cry. Nathan (my oldest brother), was in the hospital and going back and forth between doing okay and then being critical. You were exhausted and tired and your heart ached as it spent hours wondering and worrying for him. I called you, but couldn't even speak... my giant sobs were uncontrollable and you knew without me ever saying. "Oh, Ashley," you sighed. 

You knew. I had been at your house a few weeks prior and you had sheepishly asked, "Are you sure you aren't pregnant, Ash?" because of my obvious hormonal disposition. But Pierson was seven months old, I hadn't yet had a cycle, and there was just no way-- but you knew. 

I've realized that this pretty much sums up the last twenty-eight years of my life. That through all of my stages and phases, you just knew. As a teeny, tiny little girl, you taught me how to love Jesus. You took me to every gymnastic class, ballet recital, piano lesson, t-ball tournament, volleyball practice and horse riding lesson-- as I shifted and sorted through my strengths and weaknesses, I believe in your heart you thought, "Ashley, I know." 

There were moments in our relationship that I thought I wanted to stay with Gram (your mom) across the field and not come home for a while. There were things I wanted to run away from, arguments I wanted to forget and situations that I felt completely embarrassed by because after all, I was a pretty dumb kid. But yet you held your head high, rolled your shoulders back, opened your arms open wide, and made the choice to love me; time, and time again. 

How many boys did I fall in love with before meeting my husband? How many times were you reluctant to let me hang out with so-and-so, and yet you prayed in your heart, 'She'll be okay.' I used to run down our dirt road; sprinting full course ahead, angry and frustrated and sad and confused--the youngest of two older brothers, I felt alone. I didn't think anyone understood me, that anyone could relate to my hopes and dreams, that no one could ever feel as much as I did. 

And then it all finally made sense. 

The day I learned I was having a daughter changed my life. For several months before, I despised being pregnant again so soon. I feared what going into the grocery store with two kids would look like, or how I would climb up our steep steps to the front door with two on my hips. And then at our gender reveal party, I bit into a pink cupcake and you were there, celebrating from afar via FaceTime with Dad and Nate and it was so clear in your eyes--you knew. 

You knew my world would be forever changed. You knew that soon I would be staring into my own baby girl's eyes, and in them, I would see us. I would forever smell your perfume, feel your back tickle quietly lulling me to sleep, feel the strength and power of your words...all from HOLDING her. It's not that I didn't feel these things when I held my son, it's just that this time, it would be different. All of those times I pushed you away and didn't want you to kiss my cheek...well, you had to have just known. That sooner or later, God would give me my own baby girl, and with that gift, I would hold even tighter to you. 

I am so sorry for the mean things I've said. For the absolute grief I put you through during my adolescent years. For scaring you with situations I put myself in, for ever lying or hurting your feelings. As I hold my baby girl, her legs sprawl out around me and she tickles my face with her still toddler hands. She holds on to me for dear life and every single night, it's, 'Mommy Put Me Down,' that she requests. Every ounce of her demands me, but little does she know, every ounce of me demands her in return. Somewhere in the middle, did you know that my heart equally needs YOU? MY mother. My flesh and blood, the heart that for so long, beat in unison with my own. 

Life scares me. Letting go of my children and watching them grow, well, it's terrifying. I don't have hardly any answers, and four years in, I am still so new to this role of Motherhood. But you are there, six hours away-- praying, thinking, texting me and calling, and from there you are smiling, because you know. 

You know that it only gets better. That my heart only loves more, and more, and more. You know that I will endure heartache that I cannot even fathom, that I will trip and fall and get back up to repeat the entire cycle all over again. And you know that you raised a daughter whose heart now beats for her own flesh and blood, but who also needs someone along the way: you. 

It may have taken longer then you could have hoped for. I may not live in the same state as you anymore, and I don't get to see you NEARLY as often as I would like. But I finally understand, I finally get it--those tears that you cried when I thought the goodbye's were so simple. The 'I love you's' that you've promised since the day I was born. It all adds up now. I am yours, and you are mine and what a blessing my title of Mother will continue to be, as it gives me glimpses into the amazing goodness that is your heart. 

I love you, Mama. Happy Mothers' Day.

Joy in the Mundane

Headband by: The Sassy Olive

Routines: we all start getting into a rhythm of them as kids, right? I still remember my middle and high school 'getting ready' routine, which all began with my dad turning on the night light in my fish tank. I would hear the 'click,' and immediately open my eyes. That routine changed and shifted as I graduated, went to college, and now as a full-time mom and teacher. Life looks a lot different then it did when I was I was younger, but my new daily routines pretty much stay the same, day after day, month after month.

During the week, I have two alarms set on my phone. I press snooze on them both, staying in bed way too long. I go into our bathroom, our black cat follows, I close the door, and I do all my 'getting ready' steps. In my classroom, my students repeat the same norms and procedures every single morning. We stand behind our chairs, fix our posture and recite:

Be respectful.
Ignore negative behavior.
Follow directions the first time asked....

My toddlers too, have a pretty standard rhythm of life--breakfast, play time, snack, more play time, lunch, nap... Their bedtime routines are the same; they always want their favorite blankets, Lion and baby doll. They know the schedule and that's what they thrive on. I know you have your own rhythms of life too. Maybe you're a morning person (uggg) and you wake at the same time each day; drink your coffee and catch up on the news (or get in the Word!) Perhaps you prefer to get a workout in before your job begins. Or maybe you come home straight from work, change clothes and head to the gym? Whatever it is, however your average day appears, does it ever get boring?  

Lara Casey said, "When we work heartily for the Lord, the mundane becomes meaningful, and the bigger tasks are given greater energy and focus.” Lately, I have been struggling with sorting my thoughts and organizing them into creating purpose. I know God has gifted me with several attributes, but where does He want me to START? Lara also said, "“Do one thing at a time. Do it well. Or just get it done. Done is better than perfect, and doing one thing well is better than doing a thousand mediocre things.” 

I tend to get wrapped up in my head (and heart). I feel things deeply: words, emotions, thoughts, comments, conversations. A few days ago I visited the gym and as I was stretching, I caught my own eye in the full-length mirror. I was in a complete and utter haze. I didn't know what I was thinking, I felt sad and blue and blah and then I thought, "Ashley, just pray." I headed to the treadmill where I ran a very slow two miles, and began:

Jesus, I don't even know what I'm thinking. I feel so disorganized, so muddled. Please give me peace, help me to find joy that only You can bring. Give me the strength to keep putting my feet forward, help me to radiate You, wherever I go.  

And then throughout the weekend, I continued that prayer. Our weekend consisted of our normal routines and followed the same structure as it normally does. As much as I love my children, I deeply cherish their nap and bedtimes. During their rest, I painted a desk, read more of Make it Happen, journaled, and just prayed. Here I am, at the beginning of my work week, and I promise myself today to find joy in the mundane. There is purpose in even the smallest tasks, and I am confident that the Lord will be at work through them. I don't even think twice when I wash my hands throughout the day, but for my daughter, it's one of her biggest delights! 

 What type of energy are you going to radiate today? My Monday will be a fairly typical one. Our kids will eat dinner around six-thirty, have their baths, and be in their beds around 7:30pm. At the end of the day, I won't have climbed a mountain or watched a beautiful sunset from the white sands of a beach. I won't have published a book or produced a record smashing album. But I'll have taught and loved my students well. I will have hugged my children tightly and have tried to encourage the adults in my life in any ways that I can.

I'll still have lots of thoughts in my head, but I pray that I will continue giving them to the God who made me. One step at a time, day by day, and I think He'll make it more and more clear the radical that He has planned for my life. Not that being mom, teacher, wife, (insert a hundred more titles here) are small tasks--they're not. And yours aren't either. Instead of getting caught up in the haze of each one, I encourage you to fulfill your duties with zeal and heart.

How are you today, friends? What are the first five things that pop into your head as you've finished reading this? What is on your to-do list today or for this week? Are there tasks in your life that are starting to feel mundane or ordinary? Send me an e-mail, comment below and let me know how I can pray for you this week!

Precious in His Sight

And he said, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven." -Matthew 18:3

I've had the blessing of wearing my Mom title for almost four years and there's quite a few things I've learned. The biggest and most mind-blowing one though, has been this:

My children know how to love and they love SO well.

My son Pierson will turn four in June, and his baby sister Reese, is two. As toddlers; teeny, tiny little humans, they are ready and willing to love just about anyone. My oldest brother Nathan, thirty-three, was born with Cerebral Palsy. He resides with my parents and has many other special needs that factor in with his disability. His speech is altered immensely, and because of his extreme Osteoporosis, his movement is unstable. He loves to play on the computer and when he gets excited, he jumps up and down and flaps his hands back and forth. He loves music and when people read to him, that is one of his deepest love languages. He is loud, he is different, and yet by my children who can't quite understand, he is loved.

Since being able to form prayer requests on his own, Pierson never leaves Nathan out. He thanks God for him each night and prays that he won't get sick (a dangerous and common occurrence for my brother!) When we are in Michigan, he watches Nathan closely, but doesn't stare in a rude or disrespectful way, he is sincerely curious of his Uncle. Reese never hesitates and gives him 'head hugs' (Nathan's favorite way to show affection) and she eagerly tells him, "Love you!!!"

When I was a child, I was super protective and defensive of my brother. We would go into stores or restaurants and there were always people who would literally gawk at the site of him. Any chance I got, I hissed, "Stop STARING!" at them. In middle school, a boy I was talking to said, "No, your other brother," and I flat out punched him in the arm. He wasn't even trying to be offensive, he just didn't know how to word, 'your brother with special needs,' or perhaps didn't think he needed to. Flash forward twenty years, I'm still the baby sister, but now I'm also Mom--and it's my job to continue teaching my children how to love everyone, even and especially those who appear different than themselves.

So what will happen when I introduce my kids to their family member who is transgendered? What will their reaction be when they see that person, who was born a man, who they know as a man, who now identifies as a woman? This is no small discussion. This is not a simple conversation, nor one that I can even remotely come up with scenarios about. At this time, I'm just not ready. In my head, I want them to be a little older and to be able to rationalize complete sentences and questions that they may have for us. Pierson is somewhat of an anxious kid, and sometimes I worry that this introduction will scare him. That he will fear more of the unknown and things that he cannot articulate at such a young age. At two and three, our kids are just learning about body parts in general and the difference between boy and girl, man and woman. But I think that I know in my heart, deep down, that no matter when it happens or in what circumstance, Pierson will just love.

My husband and I love the Lord and we strive in every aspect and area of our lives, to be teaching our children to do the same. Unless you change and become like children, you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. In our twenties and thirties, a lot of life has happened to us. We've witnessed drug use, we've been around people who party too hard, we know stories of abuse, neglect, abandonment. We know the rights and wrongs that we want to live our lives by, and we know what we believe. We have a Biblical upbringing and understand what the Scriptures mean. We are bombarded with social media, with hateful posts, with gossip and with adults disagreeing over how life should be lived.

Our childlike innocence therefore, has been altered. We see black and white but we also see shades of grey. As adults, sometimes loving others doesn't come quite as easily, it becomes more of a choice. We have to choose to love. Many people don't understand my brothers' needs; I'm sure to some he seems strange or abnormal. But Jesus created him and I believe that He made Nathan the way he is for many reasons; one of them to show others how to love someone who is different. And because I believe in Jesus, I choose to love the rest of the population who is different as well. This doesn't just mean handicapped and transgendered people--this includes so much more. I make the choice to love those who look different, act different, who have completely opposing political views, who love the same sex, who aspire to be a different gender, who don't believe in my God, and those who heck, may not even like ME, at all.

Because I believe in these things, I will constantly strive to teach my children to do the same. There should not be judgment, there should not be any reason to love anyone less or differently. I am so far from perfect, and so are you. I'm in need of so much healing, as are you. I may not quite be ready to introduce my very young children to our family member as a she, but I'm confident that when we do, they will have innocent and open hearts.

You know reading this, that there has been excessive conversation about the transgendered community. But why? Why must we focus on a minority when we ourselves, have so many specks in our own hearts? I don't have any answers about what will happen, about the 'what IF' so many fear--if bathrooms in public places will change, if dressing rooms change, if locker rooms in schools will change, IF... But I believe that Jesus would never waste His time arguing or trying to prove His point, on ANY worldly topic. I know that He is the answer to our brokenness, and that loving every single person, is the very first step. And you know what else? He chooses you? I choose you.

How will you choose to love? With a childlike innocence, with an open heart and open arms? What an example my own children are, and how I pray that I continuously allow for their life lessons to shape and grow mine. Together, we await His Kingdom.

Who's Clapping?

Thoughts: I've been having a lot of them lately.

Most of the time, (honest moment), I feel like I'm 'in a rut' writing wise, but this is mainly because I have ten million things and thoughts scuffling around in my head, and processing them into a well-constructed and solid post, is super challenging. I'm sure you're with me; in the age of social media, the Internet being at our fingertips, the endless amounts of scrolling...

 We see SO much.

We compare SO much.

I've talked often about seasons of friendships and how life can just be funky. The ebb and flow of who sticks by our side (and whose side WE stick by), changes, all the time. But there are some friends that just stay; regardless of the amount of time we are able to spend together, regardless of our different opinions and beliefs. I have one girlfriend in particular who used to be my teaching assistant for my first two years in the classroom. On day one, I thought, "I am going to love this lady!" But then life, as it always does, proceeded to change--she took a different job, I was moved to a new school, and the seasons continued to press onward. Living on opposite ends of town, having completely different hours of availability, and not working together anymore means that we don't see each other often. But a couple of weeks ago, I took some goodies to her brand new house, we plopped down on the couch, and talked for HOURS!

During the conversation, she said something that has just stuck with me, a phrase that has been all gurgled in my mind but that I didn't know how to actually put into words, until she said it: 

"Be aware of who isn't clapping when you win."

I have another friend, she is climbing her way up the Blogging Ladder, and she works her tail off in everything she does. We meet for breakfast or lunch, text often, and as busy as she is, she has never put her successes above mine and vice versa. We write to a different platform, we were raised very differently, our ages are different, our words are different. When I have questions about websites and codes and social media, she excitedly lends a helping hand. She has never withheld information from me in fear that I would steal her thunder BECAUSE she doesn't allow for comparison to override our friendship. And when she told me some of her big and upcoming work assignments, I didn't slump over in a puddle of discouragement BECAUSE this girl deserves it!

Who is clapping?

Who is hugging you when you win? Who is holding your hand when you lose? The friend that I visited has told her daughter that phrase since she was tiny. And now that I have kids of my own, I really think it is going to be a mantra that I pass down to them--I don't want them to have friends who constantly compare. I don't want them to fear success OR failures, because I pray that as their seasons shift and change, the right friends will be placed at the right times.

There is so much room for negative headspace, especially with Facebook and Instagram. We find ourselves comparing, wondering why so and so is better than we are; why are they so successful? Why do they have more followers than us? Why does their house look brighter, their walls whiter, their clothes cuter, their bodies BETTER? But I just feel so DONE with these lies. You are you and I am me, and instead of competing with one another, I am ready to celebrate our accomplishments.

Maybe yours is that you'll run a mile straight without stopping. Or you'll start that blog that you've been day-dreaming about. Maybe it's that you've been featured on another site, and someone else found encouragement through your words. Maybe it's that you've struggled with sadness and have felt too blue to move, but you decided TODAY to get out of bed.

Be aware of who isn't clapping when you win.

And then take a deep breath, thank God for creating YOU, and hug a little tighter the ones who have stayed by your side. And as you journey, focus your attention on becoming a better version of yourself. Use what you see on your screen for inspiration, or turn the screen OFF. I have talents and so do you. I pray that you will find them, use them, and then help me celebrate others in this overly competitive world we live in.

*What are some ways that you cheer others on? What types of things encourage you the most in your friendships? Do you have a friend today, that you should text or call, just to say, "Hey, you're doing GREAT!" I hope you'll share this post, that if something resonated with your heart while reading, that you would tell someone else! YOU are wonderful and YOU are going to do amazing things, I have so much faith in that promise!*