From Baby to Boy

Big fat tears streamed down his sad face. I had scolded him a few minutes prior because he had just spent the last fifteen minutes whining, following me around, and repeating a request that I had already said, 'no' to, repeatedly. I asked him to please go upstairs, to sit down for a minute and take a break. When I came to talk to him and saw that face, I stretched my arms out wide.

"Buddy, what is wrong?" I asked. 
A genuine voice answered me and he said, "I want to be best friends with you, Mom. I need to be near you."

This child, my first-borne. The one who turns four next month and will say good-bye to his toddlerhood...and right now, his biggest worry is that we aren't best friends.

"Baby, Mommy was really tired of you whining when I had asked you to stop. Daddy and I are working hard to clean the house and I gave you plenty of other options for fun. I will always be your best friend, but I also need you to listen," I responded. He hugged my neck tightly and I breathed in his familiar scent. The top of his head still smells like 'baby' to me--his soft skin still brings me back to his newborn days. He is so much of what 'home' is for me. But he's gone from an infant who relied on me solely for nourishment and growth, to a child whose heart longs for an actual friendship.

There are some days that the requests wear me out. Come bed time, this mama is more than ready to take a hot shower, change into pajamas, and decompress however I want to.
-One more drink, Mom.
-Let's read just one more book.
-I need another hug and kiss. No, I need ANOTHER hug and kiss!
-Come pick me up, Mom.
-Mommy put me down.
-Tickle my back, Mom. No, tickle my arm. Wait, tickle my nose. (What?!)

Guess what I not only know, but I inwardly wrestle with just thinking about? The inevitable truth that this toddler will grow into a young boy, who will transition to a teen, and then an adult. Chances are, he'll become a husband and later a father. Everyone promises, "You'll love every single stage!" I believe you. But he won't fit so perfectly in my arms anymore. And then what? (Scratch that, recently I tried to read to him in the rocking chair that I used to nurse him from, and his long and gangly legs drooped over the sides and his body stretched more than half-way down mine. We moved to his bed and I thought, 'When did you get this BIG?')

Pretty soon, he won't want me to put him to bed. He won't want me to read, because he'll be the one reading instead. The lullabies that I sing will eventually seem too childish, the sleepy-time glasses may at some point fade away. I won't be putting him into cute and cozy jammies. He will no longer demand to sleep with Lion. He won't beg me for another hug and kiss, he won't get his feelings so deeply hurt when I ask him to go to another floor of the house--he won't worry if his MOM is his best friend.

These days are fleeting and I'm still trying to convince myself that I will be okay as we move on to the next phases. His love for Little Einsteins and Curious George will be replaced with PG-13 movies and asking to go to the theatre with friends. His need to incessantly be by MY side will switch to a girlfriend's. It will be her hand that he'll want to hold and her phone ringing as soon as he comes in from school (where he will probably have just spent ALL day with her).

Each and every year has been encompassed with beautiful memories and stories. I prayed for my son before he was born and I promise to continue. I know that as time progresses, my heart somehow finds a way to love him more and more; so trust me, I believe you when you say that I will love it all. And on my hardest days, the ones that I want to hurry through his bedtime, enforce the 'one book' rule, and insist that his dad be the one to put him down--I will remember his voice:

"Mommy, we are best friends, remember?" 

Yes, sweet son, I will forever be your very best friend.

Joy in the Mundane

Headband by: The Sassy Olive

Routines: we all start getting into a rhythm of them as kids, right? I still remember my middle and high school 'getting ready' routine, which all began with my dad turning on the night light in my fish tank. I would hear the 'click,' and immediately open my eyes. That routine changed and shifted as I graduated, went to college, and now as a full-time mom and teacher. Life looks a lot different then it did when I was I was younger, but my new daily routines pretty much stay the same, day after day, month after month.

During the week, I have two alarms set on my phone. I press snooze on them both, staying in bed way too long. I go into our bathroom, our black cat follows, I close the door, and I do all my 'getting ready' steps. In my classroom, my students repeat the same norms and procedures every single morning. We stand behind our chairs, fix our posture and recite:

Be respectful.
Ignore negative behavior.
Follow directions the first time asked....

My toddlers too, have a pretty standard rhythm of life--breakfast, play time, snack, more play time, lunch, nap... Their bedtime routines are the same; they always want their favorite blankets, Lion and baby doll. They know the schedule and that's what they thrive on. I know you have your own rhythms of life too. Maybe you're a morning person (uggg) and you wake at the same time each day; drink your coffee and catch up on the news (or get in the Word!) Perhaps you prefer to get a workout in before your job begins. Or maybe you come home straight from work, change clothes and head to the gym? Whatever it is, however your average day appears, does it ever get boring?  

Lara Casey said, "When we work heartily for the Lord, the mundane becomes meaningful, and the bigger tasks are given greater energy and focus.” Lately, I have been struggling with sorting my thoughts and organizing them into creating purpose. I know God has gifted me with several attributes, but where does He want me to START? Lara also said, "“Do one thing at a time. Do it well. Or just get it done. Done is better than perfect, and doing one thing well is better than doing a thousand mediocre things.” 

I tend to get wrapped up in my head (and heart). I feel things deeply: words, emotions, thoughts, comments, conversations. A few days ago I visited the gym and as I was stretching, I caught my own eye in the full-length mirror. I was in a complete and utter haze. I didn't know what I was thinking, I felt sad and blue and blah and then I thought, "Ashley, just pray." I headed to the treadmill where I ran a very slow two miles, and began:

Jesus, I don't even know what I'm thinking. I feel so disorganized, so muddled. Please give me peace, help me to find joy that only You can bring. Give me the strength to keep putting my feet forward, help me to radiate You, wherever I go.  

And then throughout the weekend, I continued that prayer. Our weekend consisted of our normal routines and followed the same structure as it normally does. As much as I love my children, I deeply cherish their nap and bedtimes. During their rest, I painted a desk, read more of Make it Happen, journaled, and just prayed. Here I am, at the beginning of my work week, and I promise myself today to find joy in the mundane. There is purpose in even the smallest tasks, and I am confident that the Lord will be at work through them. I don't even think twice when I wash my hands throughout the day, but for my daughter, it's one of her biggest delights! 

 What type of energy are you going to radiate today? My Monday will be a fairly typical one. Our kids will eat dinner around six-thirty, have their baths, and be in their beds around 7:30pm. At the end of the day, I won't have climbed a mountain or watched a beautiful sunset from the white sands of a beach. I won't have published a book or produced a record smashing album. But I'll have taught and loved my students well. I will have hugged my children tightly and have tried to encourage the adults in my life in any ways that I can.

I'll still have lots of thoughts in my head, but I pray that I will continue giving them to the God who made me. One step at a time, day by day, and I think He'll make it more and more clear the radical that He has planned for my life. Not that being mom, teacher, wife, (insert a hundred more titles here) are small tasks--they're not. And yours aren't either. Instead of getting caught up in the haze of each one, I encourage you to fulfill your duties with zeal and heart.

How are you today, friends? What are the first five things that pop into your head as you've finished reading this? What is on your to-do list today or for this week? Are there tasks in your life that are starting to feel mundane or ordinary? Send me an e-mail, comment below and let me know how I can pray for you this week!

Precious in His Sight

And he said, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven." -Matthew 18:3

I've had the blessing of wearing my Mom title for almost four years and there's quite a few things I've learned. The biggest and most mind-blowing one though, has been this:

My children know how to love and they love SO well.

My son Pierson will turn four in June, and his baby sister Reese, is two. As toddlers; teeny, tiny little humans, they are ready and willing to love just about anyone. My oldest brother Nathan, thirty-three, was born with Cerebral Palsy. He resides with my parents and has many other special needs that factor in with his disability. His speech is altered immensely, and because of his extreme Osteoporosis, his movement is unstable. He loves to play on the computer and when he gets excited, he jumps up and down and flaps his hands back and forth. He loves music and when people read to him, that is one of his deepest love languages. He is loud, he is different, and yet by my children who can't quite understand, he is loved.

Since being able to form prayer requests on his own, Pierson never leaves Nathan out. He thanks God for him each night and prays that he won't get sick (a dangerous and common occurrence for my brother!) When we are in Michigan, he watches Nathan closely, but doesn't stare in a rude or disrespectful way, he is sincerely curious of his Uncle. Reese never hesitates and gives him 'head hugs' (Nathan's favorite way to show affection) and she eagerly tells him, "Love you!!!"

When I was a child, I was super protective and defensive of my brother. We would go into stores or restaurants and there were always people who would literally gawk at the site of him. Any chance I got, I hissed, "Stop STARING!" at them. In middle school, a boy I was talking to said, "No, your other brother," and I flat out punched him in the arm. He wasn't even trying to be offensive, he just didn't know how to word, 'your brother with special needs,' or perhaps didn't think he needed to. Flash forward twenty years, I'm still the baby sister, but now I'm also Mom--and it's my job to continue teaching my children how to love everyone, even and especially those who appear different than themselves.

So what will happen when I introduce my kids to their family member who is transgendered? What will their reaction be when they see that person, who was born a man, who they know as a man, who now identifies as a woman? This is no small discussion. This is not a simple conversation, nor one that I can even remotely come up with scenarios about. At this time, I'm just not ready. In my head, I want them to be a little older and to be able to rationalize complete sentences and questions that they may have for us. Pierson is somewhat of an anxious kid, and sometimes I worry that this introduction will scare him. That he will fear more of the unknown and things that he cannot articulate at such a young age. At two and three, our kids are just learning about body parts in general and the difference between boy and girl, man and woman. But I think that I know in my heart, deep down, that no matter when it happens or in what circumstance, Pierson will just love.

My husband and I love the Lord and we strive in every aspect and area of our lives, to be teaching our children to do the same. Unless you change and become like children, you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. In our twenties and thirties, a lot of life has happened to us. We've witnessed drug use, we've been around people who party too hard, we know stories of abuse, neglect, abandonment. We know the rights and wrongs that we want to live our lives by, and we know what we believe. We have a Biblical upbringing and understand what the Scriptures mean. We are bombarded with social media, with hateful posts, with gossip and with adults disagreeing over how life should be lived.

Our childlike innocence therefore, has been altered. We see black and white but we also see shades of grey. As adults, sometimes loving others doesn't come quite as easily, it becomes more of a choice. We have to choose to love. Many people don't understand my brothers' needs; I'm sure to some he seems strange or abnormal. But Jesus created him and I believe that He made Nathan the way he is for many reasons; one of them to show others how to love someone who is different. And because I believe in Jesus, I choose to love the rest of the population who is different as well. This doesn't just mean handicapped and transgendered people--this includes so much more. I make the choice to love those who look different, act different, who have completely opposing political views, who love the same sex, who aspire to be a different gender, who don't believe in my God, and those who heck, may not even like ME, at all.

Because I believe in these things, I will constantly strive to teach my children to do the same. There should not be judgment, there should not be any reason to love anyone less or differently. I am so far from perfect, and so are you. I'm in need of so much healing, as are you. I may not quite be ready to introduce my very young children to our family member as a she, but I'm confident that when we do, they will have innocent and open hearts.

You know reading this, that there has been excessive conversation about the transgendered community. But why? Why must we focus on a minority when we ourselves, have so many specks in our own hearts? I don't have any answers about what will happen, about the 'what IF' so many fear--if bathrooms in public places will change, if dressing rooms change, if locker rooms in schools will change, IF... But I believe that Jesus would never waste His time arguing or trying to prove His point, on ANY worldly topic. I know that He is the answer to our brokenness, and that loving every single person, is the very first step. And you know what else? He chooses you? I choose you.

How will you choose to love? With a childlike innocence, with an open heart and open arms? What an example my own children are, and how I pray that I continuously allow for their life lessons to shape and grow mine. Together, we await His Kingdom.

Who's Clapping?

Thoughts: I've been having a lot of them lately.

Most of the time, (honest moment), I feel like I'm 'in a rut' writing wise, but this is mainly because I have ten million things and thoughts scuffling around in my head, and processing them into a well-constructed and solid post, is super challenging. I'm sure you're with me; in the age of social media, the Internet being at our fingertips, the endless amounts of scrolling...

 We see SO much.

We compare SO much.

I've talked often about seasons of friendships and how life can just be funky. The ebb and flow of who sticks by our side (and whose side WE stick by), changes, all the time. But there are some friends that just stay; regardless of the amount of time we are able to spend together, regardless of our different opinions and beliefs. I have one girlfriend in particular who used to be my teaching assistant for my first two years in the classroom. On day one, I thought, "I am going to love this lady!" But then life, as it always does, proceeded to change--she took a different job, I was moved to a new school, and the seasons continued to press onward. Living on opposite ends of town, having completely different hours of availability, and not working together anymore means that we don't see each other often. But a couple of weeks ago, I took some goodies to her brand new house, we plopped down on the couch, and talked for HOURS!

During the conversation, she said something that has just stuck with me, a phrase that has been all gurgled in my mind but that I didn't know how to actually put into words, until she said it: 

"Be aware of who isn't clapping when you win."

I have another friend, she is climbing her way up the Blogging Ladder, and she works her tail off in everything she does. We meet for breakfast or lunch, text often, and as busy as she is, she has never put her successes above mine and vice versa. We write to a different platform, we were raised very differently, our ages are different, our words are different. When I have questions about websites and codes and social media, she excitedly lends a helping hand. She has never withheld information from me in fear that I would steal her thunder BECAUSE she doesn't allow for comparison to override our friendship. And when she told me some of her big and upcoming work assignments, I didn't slump over in a puddle of discouragement BECAUSE this girl deserves it!

Who is clapping?

Who is hugging you when you win? Who is holding your hand when you lose? The friend that I visited has told her daughter that phrase since she was tiny. And now that I have kids of my own, I really think it is going to be a mantra that I pass down to them--I don't want them to have friends who constantly compare. I don't want them to fear success OR failures, because I pray that as their seasons shift and change, the right friends will be placed at the right times.

There is so much room for negative headspace, especially with Facebook and Instagram. We find ourselves comparing, wondering why so and so is better than we are; why are they so successful? Why do they have more followers than us? Why does their house look brighter, their walls whiter, their clothes cuter, their bodies BETTER? But I just feel so DONE with these lies. You are you and I am me, and instead of competing with one another, I am ready to celebrate our accomplishments.

Maybe yours is that you'll run a mile straight without stopping. Or you'll start that blog that you've been day-dreaming about. Maybe it's that you've been featured on another site, and someone else found encouragement through your words. Maybe it's that you've struggled with sadness and have felt too blue to move, but you decided TODAY to get out of bed.

Be aware of who isn't clapping when you win.

And then take a deep breath, thank God for creating YOU, and hug a little tighter the ones who have stayed by your side. And as you journey, focus your attention on becoming a better version of yourself. Use what you see on your screen for inspiration, or turn the screen OFF. I have talents and so do you. I pray that you will find them, use them, and then help me celebrate others in this overly competitive world we live in.

*What are some ways that you cheer others on? What types of things encourage you the most in your friendships? Do you have a friend today, that you should text or call, just to say, "Hey, you're doing GREAT!" I hope you'll share this post, that if something resonated with your heart while reading, that you would tell someone else! YOU are wonderful and YOU are going to do amazing things, I have so much faith in that promise!*